Almost 11 months, my birthday today

[lsi13]

This is my first post, glad to have found a forum like this because lately I've been needing to read and speak to others who have the pain I do...

My love was taken from me 8/18/15 while we were riding our dirtbikes in the sand dunes on vacation. All of our friends were there, and one of his friends in a truck collided with him head-on, killing him. It was a freak accident, both came around the opposite corner too fast and when they tried to swerve they swerved the same way.

 

Today is my birthday and I have uncontrollably been crying since the minute I woke up - I've survived his birthday, all the holidays and although they all hurt, today my heart is extra heavy. I went to work and couldn't keep it together (I am good at hiding it though, so there's a plus - not looking like an emotionally unstable widow in front of my boss and coworkers). I cried so hard driving home I thought I was going to get in an accident, and I didn't care. I am irritated at those around me who keep hassling me for not wanting to do anything on my birthday - why would I? Why does it matter so much to them on what I decide to do with my day?

 

I just feel so empty, and there's no reason to celebrate me being a year older without him.

[Wheelerswife]

Welcome to our club, Isi13.

 

I'm so sorry you had to join us, but I'm glad you found us.  Special days are hard for many of us and I'm not surprised you don't feel like celebrating.  I think the important thing to do is to listen to yourself.  Know that it won't always be this hard.  The pain softens over time.

 

There are several young people here in your age range that I imagine you can find common things on which to connect.  So...read to your heart's content, post when you want to and don't be afraid to make friends here.  It is good to know you aren't as alone in this ordeal as you may feel.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Trying]

Well meaning people sometimes want to cheer us up and think they can take our minds off our loss but it doesn't always work that way.  I'm sorry this birthday is hitting you so hard, I can completely understand it.  Some days a really good cry is what we need more than anything, especially when you've been working so hard to keep up the facade that you are "fine".

 

You will find lots of understanding here and no need to ever hide from us how you are really feeling.

 

Birthday hugs.

[TofinoMan]

I have no wise words to share with you.

And I am very sorry that you lost the man you loved so deeply, causing you to join the worst forum there is....but these are great people they will listen and help...I know because they helped me.

Blessings

[donswife]

I am so sorry about your love and him not being here with you

Birthdays are truly tough

because the person who loved us the most would be the one we would be celebrating with 

Our hearts will tell us what we need to do these days

so don't be hard on yourself and do what feels right for you

Take care

 

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hello lsi13

Im so sorry for your loss. My husband died on 09/18/15 so we are on the same timeline. I so understand birthdays being hard. I turned 30 just 5 month after he passed. It was a very hard day. I just stayed in bed and cried all day. I did not go to see anyone I could not pretend to be ok on that day. I remember that on his 30th we got into a small car accident and he had a really shitty birthday because of it. But mine was so much worse not having him with me. I hope you get through the day. I think of it in that way now, just one more day to have to get through. Hugs.

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry.  It's so hard, the first birthday.  The person who witnesses and values your life most isn't there, and life feels sad and empty.  On my first post-death birthday, I left town and got a hotel room on a river in the mountains.  I sat on the balcony in the chilly air under a blanket and stared.  I just stared.  DH died when he was 28, and I had 28 hours of not speaking.  It sounds dramatic now that I'm retelling it, but it felt like exactly what I needed.  (People gave me $h!t too - they even had the hotel send a special fancy dinner up to my room, and paid a local massage therapist to come give me a massage (and not speak to me).  I appreciated it, but also in my head was unable to understand why it was so unacceptable to people for me to just retreat....)  My widow friends and I, in the first few years (I'm at 5+ now) would always say, instead of "happy birthday," just "Birthday!"  Thinking of you.  I hope you're doing as well as you can be, whatever that means for you right now.