How did you know?

[widowat33]

A couple of months ago I joined an online dating site. I have chatted with some pretty cool people, and some not so cool ones,lol..but overall my experience hasn't been that bad!

I have met a few guys in person, probably would've met more, but my location and level of anxiety prevent me from doing so..

The first guy and I remain friends, chatting on the phone, texting each other. The other two, there was just nothing there..

Then recently I started chatting with another guy. It started out with messages back and forth, then turned into several hour long phone conversations every day. We met in person about a week after meeting online, but by that point already knew so much about each other it kind of felt like we had already met. He's a great guy, thoughtful, kind, honest and has a great sense of humour. We were at a store when I saw a cousin of mine and understanding my anxiety over dating again, he left through a separate exit just so she wouldn't see us together because he knew it would be uncomfortable for me. He also encourages me to talk about dh knowing that he was such a huge part of my life. I felt like we were on the same page..just taking it slow and seeing what happens..but last night he asked where this was going, and then laughed it off saying he was kidding around. I don't think he was kidding though, and honestly he has every right to ask. I'm just so confused about what I want. I look forward to his texts and phone calls, I really enjoyed spending time with him and even stayed with him longer than I was intending to. But I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship. I'm not sure that's even what he wants..although he has made little references to the future..

How did you know that you were ready? With my dh I knew..but my life is more complicated now, with grief and children (and everything else that you all understand about)!

[Portside]

How did I know? Oh, that's easy.

 

I, like you, used on-line dating sites. I dated many women but one set herself apart just from her profile. I contacted her and we communicated once via email before setting up our first meeting. At that meeting she showed herself to be happy, bright in outlook, intelligent, lovely, exceedingly kind and patient with children and understanding of my situation. A major bonus was we shared the same religious background with corresponding ideas of morality and traditions.

 

After a few more dates we discovered our ideas of child-rearing and finances were very much in sync.

 

But, more importantly, we both had that spark for each other from the start. Each of our positive attitudes toward life in general were immediate draws for us. Our communication styles were also very similar. 

 

Honestly, for us, it was an easy decision to decide to date each other exclusively and to start plans for marriage not too long after that. All aspects of our lives just seemed to flow into each other's with a minimum of fuss.

 

Seven years later, it still proves to be the right decision.

 

 

Good luck, Mike

[Trying]

It is more complicated now than it was before children and widowhood.  He sounds like he is sensitive to your unique situation so maybe you can just be honest with him.  Would you feel comfortable being "exclusive" but asking him to proceed slowly with the relationship? Let him know it may take a little longer for you to completely open your heart? My chapter 2 and I moved very slowly to introduce our children and my friends and family to each other for my comfort but we were exclusive after one date (which was after 2 weeks of multi hour nightly phone conversations).

 

Proceed in whatever way makes you comfortable but be open to the possibility that this man could be someone special. 

[JudyF418]

My late husband had pancreatic cancer, and we lived with he last 3 1/2 years of his last life with the knowledge that his time was probably limited

We knew each other since high school and married in our mid  20's.

 

He wanted me to go on, and I was so lonely after he died.

 

I started looking at online dating sites, and almost 2 years after he died, I "winked"' at a kind looking man.

 

We chatted on the site, had an in person coffee date, started seeing each other regularly

 

After dating for 6 months, I knew  I was in love with him.

 

That was 5 years ago.

 

We married 2 years ago.

 

I found that I had to "open my heart" to love again.

 

I love him dearly.

 

Judy

 

[Mizpah]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you being "not there yet."  It seems you've met this person only once?  Even with lots of communication, that seems only a bit of information (emotional or otherwise) on which to base a conversation about the future together.  In my opinion, see him a few more times before committing yourself even to a conversation on this.  I'd slide out of it by suggesting another date or saying, "For now, let's see where it goes," or something like that.  (For me, it's never worked to "see" more than one man at a time, and if you're not seeing anyone else, there's no harm in saying that, but also that you want more time to have "that" discussion of where it's going.)

 

But that's just my opinion. 

 

How did I know?  Like you, my boyfriend and I had texted and communicated a lot before meeting - for months.  When we met, I hadn't foreseen what was coming - it wasn't a date (in my mind).  But that's what it became it seemed, and between our first and second meetings (during which time I was traveling in the Middle East and Europe, and I was surprised by the fact that we texted the whole time), I had a sense of inevitability.  Do you have that sense?  I had a feeling - I'm going to sleep with this man!  It was almost outside myself.  I suppose I wouldn't have had that feeling unless I'd been into him, and now, seeing as we're together three years later, I guess I *was* into him, hahahaha. 

 

My advice: take it as it comes for a little bit, see where it goes, see if you still really like him after getting together a few times, etc.

[MrsDan]

I knew that I wasn't interested in seeing anybody else when I was getting ready to meet another guy for lunch I thought, "I sure wish I was having lunch with N instead." I had figured I should continue to see other people, that it wouldn't be a good idea to presume where things were going with N. But after that lunch I thought, "Screw that, N is the only one I want to see, and regardless of what he thinks, if he's the only one I want to make time for, that's what I'm going to do." That didn't mean we were in an exclusive relationship at that point, or even that I was ready for one, but just that I really liked him and wanted to spend my time getting to know him rather than seeing what else was out there. I can't say when I definitively knew I wanted to be in a relationship with him, in part because it was gradual and in part because I think I was in denial about it for a bit. I didn't really think I would develop the feelings I did for him. I thought more that I wanted to find companionship and sex, but deep love? I don't think I thought that was possible, but it happened. 

 

I'm not sure when he stopped seeing other people but I think it was around the same time. He told me that at one point we had gone a couple dates and been texting, talking on the phone, and he was doing the same with this other woman. He was talking about it with a friend of his, and his friend pointed out that while the other woman seemed okay, N didn't get excited about her the way he did when talking about "museum girl," as they referred to me at the time. Like he lit up when talking about me. So we are at something of a disadvantage when giving advise to you, because you can tell a lot about how someone feels about someone from their demeanor and body language.

[Wheelerswife]

After I was widowed the first time, I connected pretty early out with John, who was also widowed. We initially didn't see attraction, but began very long long distance phone calls. At first they were quite platonic, but we developed and interest and caring for the other person. After a few of these long phone calls, we found ourselves flirting and were quite surprised by the turn in our tone. But it was fun and genuine and we enjoyed it. By this point, we had already talked about much of our pasts. We decided to meet and made the long distance connection a few weeks later. We had instant chemistry and just knew things were right. Within a couple of months, we decided we didn't want to be apart. We decided I would make the move. I left my job, sold my house and moved half way across the country. We married a year after we met.

 

I think we just knew the connection was right. We had similar outlooks on life, although we had very different personalities. We complemented each other well. We were comfortable, happy, challenged and supported in the relationship and our love and devotion to each other was apparent to those who knew us.

 

We just knew. Even though I lost him less than 4 years after we met, I have no regrets.

 

Maureen

[robunknown]

I thought more that I wanted to find companionship and sex, but deep love? I don't think I thought that was possible, but it happened. 

 

This ^^^ is exactly where I started.

 

Don't get ahead of yourself, enjoy the moment!

[widowat33]

Thanks everyone.

We live a two and a half hour drive away from each other..he's already asking when we can get together again..and I would like to see him again.

I'm just trying to enjoy whatever it is that is going on! There was definitely chemistry and attraction when we met in person, and I think part of the reason for that is the amount of time we've spent talking.

I just don't want to "waste" his time. I'm not sure if that makes sense? I really feel like he's thinking more future than I am.

Again thanks for the different perspectives and advice!

[SemperFidelis]

I have been with ch2 for nine months now......and we started seeing each other three months after my husband died. Me, I was emotionally numb.....severely.....and I still am in many ways. He fit the bill in so many ways but I felt nothing.  It just didn't make sense for me..... And I felt bad about "leading him on" and continuing to date when the feelings were not mutual. I had been very upfront about my emotional numbness and lack of zest for him but he held out. Three months in I broke up with him and less than 24hrs later I undid that....realizing that I had a good guy and I should just give it more time....I realiZed more than ever that I wasn't cut out or ready to be in the dating pool. I got over some kind of hump here and some things are clicking and lining up. O can at least feel gratitude for him. It is a radically different type of relationship for me so I have a long ways to go BUT the key is that he is willing to be patient with me and doesn't expect anything from me emotionally. Anyway. I enjoy and appreciate his company and believe this will last.  It is definitely a new experience for me to have someone grow on me over time....and the feeling of "yes" has been slow to develop..... My dead husband was an instant "this is the man for me" situation....

 

Anyway. Sorry to ramble and repeat. I encourage you to give him more time but yet be totally honest with where your heart and head are at.  I hope this is some help to you.

[Captains wife]

I think dating can mean different things to different people and there is no one path to dating. I also am not sure if we know if we are ready 100% of the time. There are times I felt ready to recouple but then certain events would happen that would tell me again I was not ready (I have a young child which complicates the recoupling process). I have tried to recouple but its not working out well - although I enjoy dating generally and think I will stay in the more casual zone (and I am 4 years out). I think as long as you're open with this person you are not wasting his time - and he is an adult and make up his own mind as to what he wants. With your travel distance too, you will get the space you need. Its a good start there is chemistry ! Wishing you all the best - chapter 2 is an adventure !