There it is

[Mizpah]

How are you faring, mikeeh? 

[mikeeh]

I would like to say better Mizpah.  Thank you so very much for asking.  It means so much, maybe too much, that someone thought to ask.

 

I have a wonderful friend from this board, and the old board, who has maybe saved my life (literally??) by being there for me and letting me talk and cry and whine on her shoulder, or her phone.  May be the only thing that has gotten me this far.

 

I am still in the limbo area of half the time missing her greatly, and half the time missing having someone in my life that cared.  Once you have experienced love like I thought we had it is hard to go without it.

 

Everything triggers.  The moon when I walk the dog, a smell, a phrase that I use and she jokes about or the way I pronounce some words in my strange US/Canadian accent.    Anything that refers to love or sex in anything I watch, listen to or read.   

 

The ratio of crying to non crying time is starting to get a little healthier but still feel empty and alone.    I am really just now starting to grasp the idea that it is really over.  I still wait for a text or email telling me it was a mistake, she misses me too much and needs me back.  Just now sinking in and hope dying out that she will do that.  I guess that is progress.

 

I wish I could look at this from the perspective so many of you have about how she treated me.  My friend says the same thing, that she is manipulative and selfish.  I see it to some degree but just still see her as the wonderful loving woman who made me so happy for 10 months.

 

I wish I felt better.  I know breathe..but sometimes that is so damn hard to do, literally.  My chest will tighten and I just have a hard time taking a breath.  I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be with someone else.

 

I just have to get use to the idea of being alone again, and forever.  That is probably the only way I am going to even start to get over this.

 

Thank you so much for asking though.  It meant a lot to me. 

[Abitlost]

 

I wish I could look at this from the perspective so many of you have about how she treated me.  My friend says the same thing, that she is manipulative and selfish.  I see it to some degree but just still see her as the wonderful loving woman who made me so happy for 10 months.

 

I wish I felt better.  I know breathe..but sometimes that is so damn hard to do, literally.  My chest will tighten and I just have a hard time taking a breath.  I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be with someone else.

 

I just have to get use to the idea of being alone again, and forever.  That is probably the only way I am going to even start to get over this.

 

Mikeeh,

 

I went through an excruciating breakup just over a year ago. We were together 4.5 years and while there was a lot of love between us, there was far too much dysfunction in his life for me to ever consider moving in together (which was what he wanted and why we broke up). Everyone told me I deserved better. There was a collective rejoicing among all my friends when we broke up; they reminded me daily of all his shortcomings and dysfunction (which honestly didn't help, it only made me defend the relationship.) He himself told me I deserved better; someone on this board wrote to me that if a guy tells you you deserve better, believe him because he knows himself better that you will ever know him. Still, I was convinced that love was enough; it took me several painful months to recognize, in fact, that he wasn't good enough and I am SOOOO much better off without him. Now I am greatly relieved to be free of him and look back on it as a very bad, very long mistake but one from which I have learned a lot, such as not to settle or put up with drama and dysfunction. There wasn't anything anyone could say or do, it just took me a long time to take a good, honest look at the relationship and all the negatives to realize they weren't how I wanted to live my life. A lifetime with the wrong person is a dreadfully long time.

 

It is highly unlikely that you will be alone forever. Once your wounds heal over and you are in a good place to welcome a new, healthy relationship into your life, you will. If nothing else, this experience has shown you that you still have the capacity to love deeply.

 

abl

 

[mikeeh]

Please don't take this the wrong way Abitlost, I appreciate your input.  At first when I read your response today I was encouraged and enjoyed it.  Then I realized that she could have written that about me.

 

I don't think her friends are celebrating or high fiving because she ended it with me but they knew it was coming long before I did.  They knew that her being with me was bothering her in some ways and that is was doomed to end.  That she would need to end it.  My dysfunction of sadness, and general attitude towards life and lack of spirituality was bothering her more than she told me until she said good bye. 

 

This was apparently a topic of discussion for months and it seems it was only an over night trip involving hotel reservations and show tickets is what got it to last as long as it did. 

 

So she could say the same thing.  She thought she loved me, and maybe she did/does.  But despite that the casual thing that grew into a beautiful, loving, intimate in so many ways, relationship she had to end it and her friends were probably relieved when she did it.  And I would say not happy because I am sure she suffered with the decision and the loss when it happened.  I just don't know anymore how "over it" she is.

 

I un-followed her on FB for about a week after our final goodbye.  The night our "90 days" started.  Then later that week I sent her a text, just a waving hello emoji.  We reset the 90 days to the day after that, and after a brief discussion she unfriended me "for both of our sakes".  Besides the horrible sound of that term, especially in relations to us, I can no longer cheat and go check out her FB and see what she is up to.

 

We were "talking" but not talking to each other on FB for that week.  Liking and sharing stuff that was really directed to each other.  One morning when I wasn't sleeping at 3 AM I deliberately shared something so she would see I was up at 3.  Two minutes later she shared something.  She knew I was up because she could see I just shared something.  She did it on purpose, to say hi.  So I said hi.

 

It is so amazing how similar the feelings are to when I lost my wife 3 years ago.  How much I don't want to "get over it" or stop missing her because then I will have lost more of her.  I have a hard time convincing myself it is really over with no hope of recovery.  When I lose that I lose the only thing I have, and as painful as it is at least it is something.

[singinmomo4]

I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship Mikeeh.  Loss is always hard.  Go ahead, cry and mourn this loss and just like any other, you will find your way back from it.  ((((hugs))))

[Abitlost]

Mikeeh, I apologize if I caused you any added grief; that certainly was not my intent. I was just trying to relate that I was so destroyed by my breakup but with time and perspective I realize I didn't respect him in so many ways. I am now happy to be free of his dysfunctional lifestyle. (And by that I don't mean anything like sadness, attitude or lack of spirituality...I'm talking serious dysfunction with his mother that abandoned him as a child moving in and resuming the role of mothering, everyone ignoring the fact that his father was on meth until he keeled over, his brother forging a drug test for the father, constant combative and competitive engagement with his ex-wife resulting in manipulative and undisciplined kids, I could go on and on...I wouldn't let any of that touch my life or my kids' lives. My friends were appalled by his dysfunction because it is not at all how I conduct my life; that's why the collective rejoicing when it ended.)

 

For what it's worth, I know he was completely torn up about our breakup as well, although he handled it quite differently.

 

I know you're in pain. My message to you is that as acute as that pain was for me, my experience is I am 110% over it and happy to be without him now...something I will never say about DH.

 

abl

[mikeeh]

Please don't feel bad ABL.  I know where you are coming from and meant well.    I just have an incredible knack of taking everything the wrong way.

 

I did hesitate to say anything because I was afraid it might bother you or seem ungrateful for the help. 

 

I do appreciate all the support and feedback.

 

Mike

[Mizpah]

Mikeeh, I will never forget my worst breakup.  The day after the breakup, there was a blizzard.  The streets were empty, except for heartbroken me, wandering in one of his big winter coats and my boots and sweatpants, crying, looking like a crazy person.  The hopelessness and emptiness were palpable.  A few weeks later, once I'd recovered a bit, I was in a grocery store, and I happened upon the yogurt he liked.  I burst into tears, thinking about how I didn't need to buy it anymore and how I'd never see him eating it across the table from me while we chatted.  In retrospect, I smile at my sweet sad former self, but at the time it was so intense.  I hope you'll look back at this from a happier future place, and that it comes quicker than you think it will. 

[Guest Justme2]

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[mikeeh]

Not that it comes down to who wins or who loses but if it did then she is clearly the "winner" and I am most definitely the loser.

 

Both of us are suffering this loss.  At least we were.  It was a month ago today that she broke up with me, ended our relationship.  We talked a couple more times after that for the next week or two until a final in person goodbye a week later and our final text exchange a couple days after that.  Then she unfriended me on FB, for both our benefits, and that has been it. 

 

As far as I know she has forgotten I even existed.  She has started a new program at college so engaged in that to keep herself occupied.  She is young, she is beautiful, and she is fun so she could have 10 guys lined up already to get her through this tough time.

 

She definitely won.  She has moved on and having a good time.  I often think that if my son were a few years older, on the other side of college, I just might not be here anymore.

 

She won, she kicked my ass. She has friends and family and people to help her if she were suffering.  I have one person, an amazing friend from this board, well the old board, and I feel I am overwhelming her as much with my neediness as I did my lost love.  Of course she will read this and yell at me that I am not, but I fear I am.  All the pressure I put on my love I am now putting on my friend, and then some because if my love thought I was unhappy before...........

[Mizpah]

She won, she kicked my ass.

 

Please take my little internal chant.  It's the only present I can give you.  (Yes, apparently I *am* gonna keep pushing it on you!)  I'm not into what you call "the woo stuff," but chanting this in my head truly helped me: "She is irrelevant - I am my center."  Breaking up is a recentering - from that space between two people, to inside of you. 

[Guest Justme2]

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[RobFTC]

Hi Mike,

 

Eons ago, after I initiated a breakup with my first girlfriend, I didn't know how to deal with all of the emotions.  I had friends who lived near her, and I would drive by her place for some unknown reason on the way home.  And would feel like shit after, and weaker.  When I would listen to the urges to do that and tell them "no", I would feel stronger, not weaker.  The next time I was in that position, it was much easier to say "no" to the urges to see the woman, think about her, etc.  Every "no" got easier and made me stronger.

 

If the emotional swamp is truly drained, maybe something can be rebuilt, but you can't hurry it.  I saw a friend I treasure this summer, with whom I had a relationship 25 years ago.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[mikeeh]

Keep on pushing it Mizpah, I need someone to give me an answer, to help me get through this.  I am certainly not finding any answers on my own. 

 

Thanks Rob,  I have managed to only drive by her house once, but was very tempted another time but my friend talked me out of it.  Our mutual friend I think.  Though I still go to her facebook page daily even though I can't see much.  Not being friends anymore there is very little she shares with the public. 

 

The latest chapter is that she posted a Missed Connection ad on Craigs List to me.  We met originally on CL and she was always really into the Missed Connections.  She like reading them and making up stories behind them.  Yesterday morning when I woke up 2 hours before my alarm and couldn't get back to sleep I checked it out.  There is was, a message clearly for me from 11 days ago.  Eleven days after our last text exchange and when she unfriended me.  There is was a message for me telling me she still missed me and still loved me.

 

We are only 20 days into our 'no contact" period of 90 days.  I have no idea what I am going to do after the next 70 days is over. 

 

I replied to her post with just my signature emoji, a pair of glasses.  Just to let her know I saw it without violating our no talking rule.  She replied with her emoji, together we signed our texts with our two emojis with a heart or a kiss.  I was okay with it last night but really suffered today.  I just can't wrap my head around it being over.  I confess I still think that this 90 days is just something I have to get through and then we go back to the way it was.  And I know that is not true.  We will only be able to communicate if we do it as friends, but I can't not love her.

 

I wish I could use your mantra Mizpah.  I wish I could make myself believe it.  But she is still the center of my universe and I don't know how to not make it so.

 

It is nice to know she has not forgotten me or gotten over me.  It also still makes this pain on both our parts seem so pointless.  I can't respond directly to her but am thinking about placing my own missed connection to say what I wanted to say.

[serpico]

I'm going to say this because it feels like the right thing.  Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm right, but I'm not sure it really matters.

 

I think you're prolonging the pain by maintaining contact, even if what you're doing isn't really 'talking'.  This woman has told you all you need to know about her, and yet you are clinging to some ideal of what you think she is. By holding on you are preventing yourself from moving on to something better.  And yes, moving forward is scary and unknown and much worse than what you used to have with this woman.  But by bidding her farewell you would be doing yourself a huge favor by taking control of the situation - by not letting her dictate your happiness.

 

You can disregard this advice and maybe people will tell me I'm not being empathetic, and I'm fine with that.  But your situation mirrors one that I went through in so many ways that I can't stay silent.  I got a lot of well-meaning advice about how I could maybe win her back or that I should just take a break and see if she will have a change of heart.  What I didn't get was someone telling me to cut my losses and move the fuck on.  Bluntly.  So that's what I'm doing here.

 

One last thought: If I had gotten the advice I'm giving you now I'm not sure how well I would have taken it.  I may have lashed out and maybe that's how you'll take this, but I think it's something that needed to be said.  Best of luck to you know matter what you do.

[mikeeh]

Thanks Serpico,  I think you are right and absolutely no hard feelings.

 

Every time there is any contact direct or otherwise it sends me into a complete tailspin.   

 

I placed my own Missed Connection as a kind of reply to hers.  She did not really reply directly to me. 

 

Because I am a glutton for punishment and because I torture myself I still check out her FB page.  We are not friends anymore on FB and she doesn't share much with non-friends.  I think she will selectively share stuff publicly as a message to me because I am sure she knows I still check it out. 

 

She shared something this morning that seems to be a message to me.  And it of course is making my day miserable. 

 

I think I have to come to terms that it is over.  I just can't do that.  It is so hard when the feelings are all still there for both of us.  At least she says they are for her, and I know they are for me.  How these feeling can still be there for both of us and yet we are still apart I just cannot wrap my head around.

 

I have a hard enough time every day dealing with not having her.  But then to be told that she still loves me and always will, but we cannot be together.  That I can't deal with.

 

I can't figure out now if she is being sincere or just messing with my head.  Today is day 24 of our 90 day separation.  I have no idea what I am going to do in another 66 days.  I don't know if I will be able to reach out to her and not just completely fall apart. 

 

As much as I would like to just talk to her, just have my best friend, my only friend back I know I will never be able to just be friends with her.  I know that I will love her and will not be able to have the platonic, just friends relationship that she may allow us to have.

 

Any contact just kills me and I am afraid that the only way I can deal with this and get any better at all is to end all contact and just accept that it is over.  I just don't know how I can do that.  I haven't been able to so far. 

[klim]

Although it was good, very,very good......something was wrong!.........That is why you are not together.

 

Focus on that....there is a reason.....whether you can fully understand that reason doesn't matter.

 

The way you talk about the 90 days and the counting down.....I think you need a good dose of distraction. Do you have any vacation days where you can immerse yourself in some form of adventurous distraction?

It'll take the edge off and give you a chance to view the situation from not just further out in time but with your whole focus not being on the  missing relationship.

 

Distraction, distraction, a little rationalization and more distraction.

 

Again Mikeeh I can relate and am just sharing what has helped for me.

 

Good luck

[daysofelijah]

Is there a counselor, a pastor, someone you saw after your wife passed that you would be willing to go talk to?

 

It just seems like this was an unhealthy relationship despite the great love you felt for this woman. And the continued breaking of no contact is making it even harder on you. Maybe someone in real life would be able to help you talk through and process the extreme grief you are having through this break up.

[Guest Justme2]

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[mikeeh]

Yes, something was wrong with the relationship.    It was never meant to be a relationship but it did become one.  She wasn't ready for it and I didn't think I was either.  Maybe I wasn't and that is why it didn't work out.

 

Please nobody worry about hurting my feelings or saying the wrong thing in response.  I obviously need some harsh advice and willingly accept it.  I know I am torturing myself and making it much worse for myself.

 

My job stinks.  We have been low on people and under pressure for almost a year now.  And just as we got back up to full staff find we are going to be down a person for a month again.  And this is a busy time for us.  So while I have lots of vacation time, I am actually losing time because I have accrued to the maximum will not accrue more until I take some, I cannot take time off right now.  And honestly if I did I would just sit around thinking about losing her.

 

Plus my son just started his senior year of high school so he would have to be off in order for us to get away.

 

I am seeing someone, a therapist.  I was not able to see him last week because of work but I am seeing him more regularly than I have since my wife died.

[Guest nonesuch]

I haven't met this woman...but I don't like her.

 

Asking to go no contact and them leaving cryptic messages for you is unkind. This isn't isn't a nuanced concept.  It isn't no contact if you're still sending messages to one another through Craig's List and Facebook. 

 

If she was as smart and as kind as you say, she wouldn't be doing these things. She'd have blocked you on Facebook.  You can block her, by the way,  and not see her timeline. You'll be able to see one another's profiles, but not your timelines.  it's just a thought. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

[Guest Justme2]

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[mikeeh]

Thank you all.  It is so nice to see people care so much.

 

Most generously I can only offer two opinions.  One is she still misses me almost as much as I miss her and she just has to say something.  She cant say it directly so she does it in an indirect way that gives her deniability that she talked tome because there is no way to be sure I see it.

 

Or she thinks, correctly, that I am still suffering greatly and do doubt often if her feeling were real or if she was over me.  It is her way of trying to reassure me that she does still miss me and that it was all real. 

To validate all the things she told me about myself to make me feel better when we were together.

 

She puts them all in places I would have to search to find so she can put it on me that I found them. 

 

I am not sure about being blocked on facebook but she has unfriended my so her regular posts do not post to my wall.  But because I am so stupid and pathetic I still go to her page through the messages we had sent to each other.  So I open up the last goodbye message all the time to click on her name to get to her page.  But she doesn't share everything with non friends.  You have to be her friend to see most, but she will occasionally share something publicly that I can see and they seem to be directed at me.  Again, my own fault if I go to her page when she knows I won't see anything.

 

I know I am torturing myself but I can't help it.  Maybe someday I will, and maybe I will start to feel better but I just can't muster the strength right now.

[Guest nonesuch]

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[mikeeh]

I wish I could nonesuch, but to me it isn't a tug of rope, it is a lifeline.  The one thin thread of hope I have that the happiness and joy that I had for a few short months will once again be part of my life. 

 

I know it is manipulative and I know I am letting her manipulate me.  I know that I should just come to terms with it and try to move on.  I just can't.  I just can't forget her and I can't stop loving her. 

 

I have been told to get mad.  Get mad at her.  She certainly has done enough to warrant it.  And if I were a stronger man, or if she wasn't so incredible maybe I could. 

 

One thing those messages do is still suggest there is hope that we might be together again. I know it is a false hope but a hope I am can't give up on yet.  I still just miss her so much and miss having someone who cares.