Moving and Freaking The F Out!

[geminigirl]

I'm moving to a new house next week and I'm starting to freak out. I've been in my house for 13 years and it's the only home I shared with my husband. I have to leave because the house is literally falling apart and I'm mentally falling apart from all the memories that it holds but I'm still sad because it feels like leaving this house makes it real, he's never coming home.

 

It's just a house but it's more than that. I just moved into this house when I met my husband so this house is where our entire relationship took place over almost 13 years. This is where we had our first kiss, the first time we said “I love you", he proposed to me in this house, our wedding reception was in our backyard, we brought our new baby home to this house, I saw him for the last time in our kitchen and it was in our livingroom where two police officers told me he was killed.

 

Moving for me usually means a fresh start but I don't want to start over, I just want him. I'm scared and I don't know how I'm going to start a new life without him. I know it's silly but I feel like I'm abandoning him, like I'm giving up on him. I feel like he's going to come home and wonder where we went. I'm terrified to leave but I can't stay. I feel like I'm not just physically moving but I'm moving on from him and I hate it. Overall this just sucks!

[Trying]

Moving brings out a whole crazy mix of emotions, I completely get how you feel.  I was almost 2 years out when I moved and I can say it really was for the best but it was so hard.  Good luck with the move, take any help you can, it won't be easy but you are doing what is best for you. 

[Kater]

I was just looking around my house last night wondering how I will ever be able to leave here, so I can only imagine the emotions you are feeling. 

 

I heard the advice before to take lots of pictures, maybe even video.  I will do that when I leave. Even though I know I will not forget (I still can picture every nook and cranny of my old house in my mind), I will feel better knowing it is documented.

 

Sending you a hug.

[geminigirl]

Kater- For some reason it didn't even occur to me to take pictures or to make a video but I'm going to do that now. Thanks for bringing that up. I've been in this house so long it feels like I'll never forget it but I know over time I will. It feels so weird that I'm leaving without my husband. The more I think about it the more I start to panic. I need to stop thinking.

 

Also my next door neighbor has become one of my closest friends over the last six or seven years and I'm sad that I won't be so close to him. He's been a huge support through all of this and whenever I'm freaking out and need somebody to talk to he comes right over and calms me down. I'm scared to not have him to lean on. I'm just scared of everything right now.

[SoVerySad]

Feeling scared of everything is a common emotion many of us feel, because so much has changed and we are left with a lot of unknowns. I also moved our 2 children and myself for reasons similar to yours. We had lived there for a long time. I can tell you that I didn't leave any part of my husband behind when I left the house. All my memories came with us. I was so relieved. It still was hard to do that final walk through each room, but I have peace with it now.

 

In fact, the person who bought it flipped it and did so many of the improvements we had been planning to do. It was uncanny how closely what they did had been on our to do some day when he felt better list. I panicked seeing it at first, thinking it was going to break my heart, but it didn't. I looked at it and hoped that the next family who lived there would be as happy as we had been there. I know I could never have been happy there again without him.

 

I hope your experience will be similar. Any changes we make feel monumental and moving is a big change. Since your memories live in your heart and not in the house itself, you will find they accompany you.

 

Tight hugs to you!!

[mbanyard]

That sounds really hard and I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. My DH's family tried to convince me to sell our home a couple of weeks ago (my DH passed on July 23). I could not do it for a lot of the reasons you state, even though it's also REALLY hard to be here without him too.

 

In your case, though it is very difficult, I would like to encourage you to think of the safety of you and your kids, since you say the house is literally falling apart. Perhaps thinking of it as a necessary move, where you have no choice, will help (?).

 

Hang in there through this...you are not alone!

MB

[Ruth]

I'm late, and for that I apologize.

 

But I understand can (somewhat) relate and I'm so sorry! ((hugs)) if ok. The circumstances of Michael's death were so messed up that I never got the chance to go back to our apartment and I was forced to moved away from the place we lived two weeks later. After a year I had to move again, to something a bit more 'my own' this time. It was the first place that was 'mine' and it was and still is hard to wrap my mind around that. Sorry, I'm rambling, not sure if this makes much sense to you, just, you have my support!

[AprilRain]

geminigirl, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I can totally relate. My husband died six months ago and I need to sell our house for financial and emotional reasons. This was not our first home together but we built this house together from the ground up (not physically but you know what I mean). Leaving is going to be very hard because every inch of this house from the floors to the cabinets, paint, lighting, finishes, etc. we chose together. But the hardest part for me was selling his stuff - all of his exercise equipment and his office furniture. Also going through his office and throwing away files, papers, and supplies that are no longer of use. I told my therapist that I felt like I was erasing his life. I know I'm just doing what I need to do to move on, but like you said, in a way it feels like a betrayal.

 

As others have said, you will take your memories with you no matter where you go, and photos and videos of your home will help you to keep that special place close to your heart.

 

I wish you strength and peace in the difficult days ahead.

[geminigirl]

I've been at my new house for four days now and it's been hard. I've only unpacked the essentials and I don't have the motivation to start making the new place a home yet. My mom asked me when I was going to hang pictures and curtains and I'm not sure that I even care to make the new house look nice. I feel like I don't have a home anymore and I'm just waiting for something. I'm still waiting for him. I feel like I'm slipping. I've been holding it together pretty well but now I'm just tired and I don't give a shit about anything that's not him. I just want him, nothing else matters.

 

I went back to my old house yesterday to finish cleaning and to leave the key and I spent about two hours just crying hysterically. I let my mind remember all of the moments we had in that house and it was overwhelming. I could almost see him walking down the hall and in the shower. He's everywhere yet nowhere. I don't want to let go. I want to hang on to him forever. I hate this! I hate my new house. I hate everything about my life now and I especially hate everyone for thinking I should be over it by now. Sorry for the rant, I'm a mess today.

[Ruth]

No need to apologize geminigirl and you definately don't have to be 'over it'! Your feelings are real and valid and they deserve to be there. I would say it's NORMAL that you have these feelings. This move in a way makes it more real and of course you're fighting that and don't want that to happen and of course it makes you struggle and hate all this! It's normal and you have nothing to apologize for, nothing at all.

 

You can do this. At your pace, at your time, in your way. It's no one else's business anyway. And when things overwhelm you, you come here or you cry for hours or you eat ice cream or whatever it is you feel like doing. It's ok. We're here for you if you need or want us to be.

 

Safe warm and gentle hugs to you,

Ruth

[geminigirl]

Thanks for responding, I've been in a dark place this last week and I feel like I'm falling further down the rabbit hole. It doesn't help that everyone around me seems to think that I should be happy now that I'm out of my old house and they're giving me shit for being down. My husband is still dead and a nicer house and a new washer and dryer doesn't change that. I don't care where I live or what I buy I just want him back!

 

I'm so tired of hearing that “everything is going to be okay" or that “everything is going to work out fine because it always does." No, it doesn't always work out fine. It didn't work out fine for my husband and it's never really going to be okay for me because he's never coming back. And the next person that tells me to “think positive" might just get slapped upside the head.

 

Everything is fine for them because they didn't lose the love of their life. I know my family and friends are trying to help but this be happy bullshit that they keep preaching is only pissing me off more. No, I'm not happy, I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. I know for sure that I won't be happy tomorrow or next week and probably not even next month. Maybe I'll stay sad forever. Maybe it's up to me to decide how long I grieve for the man I love more than anything in this world.

[Trying]

The people who love and care about you want you to be "better" and happy because they hate to see you in pain and they feel helpless.  Also, for people who haven't walked in our shoes they really just don't understand.  It's not the same as losing a grandparent, a pet or even a parent.  I faced all of those losses before DH died and while I thought losing my Dad was the hardest thing I could imagine, it did not compare to the grief and life altering effects of losing my DH.

 

I think it's ok to say to people something like "thank you for your support and advice but right now my goals are a little more basic than what you are suggesting.  My goals are to get out of bed, take care of the neccecities of life, and to remember to breath.  Hopefully this will lay the foundation for happiness in the future but for now I am just trying to survive and grieve the best way I know how". I wish I had said this to people in those early months instead of just shutting them out. 

 

Sending you virtual ((((hugs)))).