Just when I thought things were improving...

[Trying]

With my oldest, things are worse than I imagined. A lot of you have heard my stories of his struggles, DH died 3 weeks into his senior year of high school, he had to have shoulder surgery and didn't get to finish his hishschool swim season, had many angry meltdowns and signs of depression, was on academic suspension after first semester of college and had to have another shoulder surgery ending his college swimming career.  Forced him into counseling but he refused to participate. He went back last fall and failed out again, came home and dragged his feet finding a job.  He worked part time until his summer lifeguarding job where he's been full time and doing well but that ends after this coming weekend.  He has been pleasant to be around and helpful, no real trouble for a while, no outbursts except one at Easter, getting along with everyone. 

 

This morning I discovered he has been taking money out of an account earmarked for college expenses that he should not have access to.  No explanation of where money is going.  No signs he has been looking for full time employment to replace summer job, no short term or long term planning.  He says no drugs other than pot and I know he's only a very rare drinker.  I can't find any evidence of drugs in his room.  He barely goes out except work and after work but is usually home before 10:00.

 

I flipped out about the money this morning, the lack of positive forward planning, the need to grow up and take responsibility for his life.  His response was that he knows he's a loser and screws up everything.  I gave ultimatums and he chose to pack a small bag and leave.

 

I don't know where he is or what he is going to do.  I have known this was coming for a long time but dared to hope that his improved mood and responsibility of full time summer employment meant thing we're improving. 

 

I've been accused since DH died of always fearing the other shoe dropping.  Well this is why, it always does.  I am beside myself worrying but I know he needs to hit rock bottom if there is any hope he will change.  I pray that my tough love doesn't end up with dire consequences. 

[Abitlost]

((Trying)) I can only imagine how you must feel. I don't believe someone has to hit rock bottom to change so I will continue holding out hope that the tide will peacefully turn. Please keep us updated when you hear from him.

 

abl

[tybec]

So sorry this has come about, to a head, from what you wrote.  Since my DH's untimely death, I have been humbled to now know I can't say it won't happen to me, can't happen with my kid, etc.  Another shoe dropping?  Maybe. I worry about that, too.  I think sometimes I was just so damn fortunate to have such an easy life, even with the struggles we had, working out or having support to get through, my dad's Alzheimer's, infertility, my DH's treatable cancer.  But DH's death did pull the rug out, my house built on sand versus rock.

 

I hope your son comes around soon.  So much to deal with at critical times in his life.  But, not an excuse for poor choices. I hope he weighs the consequences and comes around soon.  I hope you can just keep swimming, Mom.  Tough stuff.  ((((hugs))))

[Wheelerswife]

Trying,

 

I have absolutely no experience on which to give you advice, but I know you are a thoughtful, loving and caring woman and you have your son's best interests in mind.  I hope you can keep the door open for him to come back and talk to you when he is ready.  He is at the stage where he needs to figure some things out for himself. 

 

Still, I try to imagine your anguish.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Julester3]

Just hugs to offer here.

 

I do know sometimes when kids come to a certain age you need to let them find their way, let them stumble, get themselves up, and keep walking. I have had to back off my eldest teenager and as much as I want to be proactive, my direct involvement begets more negativity than positivity. So I hopelessly sit here, be a spectator, and hope when she needs support she'll ask me.

 

I hope what can happen for you is with this space he has gained and put between you that he realizes you do care and that he recognizes a need for counseling to help him work out what has been troubling him. There is something there he isn't addressing and it seemingly affects the other realms of his life.

[Sugarbell]

Wow. I am so sorry...Sending you peace and strength.

 

My kids are younger...but I know this could happen to any of the 3 of them. Any of us...and really in my experience..with what I have seen with my friends kids...any type of situation. It's a tough tough age post high school...and for whatever reason seems more common with boys/young men.

 

I know you are sick right now with worry...but you did do the right thing. I think you would be second guessing yourself no matter what decision you made. We are here for you.💜

[Trying]

Thank you all so much for being my sounding board and for offering me support and compassion.  He did come home just a little while ago and laid out the tough love in no uncertain terms with what I expect of him.  I tried to convey my compassion and love and to let him know that I believe in him and that this is the driving force for me insisting he take responsibility for his life.  The pain he is in is unbearable to witness as a mother and my heart is broken.  I want to fix him and make everything better like I did when he was younger but I know that I can't.  I'm sad and I'm angry.  My father and DH had no control over the cancer that destroyed their lives and they would've done anything to fix it if they could have. So why the hell does my son think it's ok to waste the life he is privlaged to have? That's what pisses me off.  He needs to fight dammit!

[mmg19]

((Hugs)) As a Mom I feel and emphasize  with your worry, anger, and love.  From everything you have ever posted you represent the best of parenting.  Our kids are going to hurt and go through the pangs of dealing with life and I truly feel love and yes tough love always wins.  For many it is more difficult to figure out what is going on in their head.

 

One thing I have learned being a single parent is that change is inevitable and it is up to me to keep myself on firm ground and deal with issues one day at a time.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this hurt right now but you are handling it so well.  Sending prayers and hugs to you and your son.

 

 

[trying2breathe]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, and can't imagine the worry and stress that this is bringing you right now.

 

 

It's difficult if not impossible to help somebody if they don't want to help themselves.  Your son is  capable, I hope that his desire for responsibility and independence starts to kick in.  As hard as it is to practice tough love, this seems to be the right approach. 

 

 

Big big hugs to you and your son ~ 

[klim]

Shit girl,... did not realize this was going down...sooooo stressful!

 

Breathe deep and know he is not doing this on purpose, as you said he is hurting. Everybody on some level wants to be a success. Sometimes what they aim for and what is their reality of what they can do, differs. Your son has been knocked down a couple of times and probably feels very battered. keep nudging him keep proding him,it's obvious your love for him and hopefully he'll respond.

 

Once again these words of advice are coming from me as I repeat them to myself with regards to my son. After a full year off and doing nothing,he is going to try school again. I don't have great confidence but we shall see. He is bocking at counciling but at least is keeping regular appointments with our family doctor.

 

Another thing I tried to keep in mind was what I heard my brotherlaw say...He suffered from  severe depression and having had experience within his family knew what was happening to himself but...(and this is where I tried to listen hard)...some of the recovery just takes time....he was almost 3 years of working through things till he was back to himself. He said sometimes he knew what he was supposed to be doing to get better but just couldn't...... he said sometimes he just wasn't ready for that next step. My sister was very patient with him, nudging , prodding......so I try and keep this in mind when working with my son.

 

Never give up, be patient and loving.

 

 

 

[kpgct]

I'm sorry that your son is continuing to struggle, and as the mom of a similarly aged young adult with his own issues, I get how hard it is to know how to support him.

 

There's a book that I read recently & have thought a lot about lately. It's called: Beyond Addiction, How science and kindness help people change.  It's written by a team of psychologists who work with people in recovery, and it's for their families. It's about nurturing motivation and supporting change. While much of their work is done with substance users, it's really about helping anyone who's struggling. I think it offers practical, realistic advice, and encourages people to find a way to stay lovingly and compassionately engaged while managing good boundaries and clear expectations. It offers good insight into how & why people change and how & why they get stuck.

 

I like it a lot. It takes the simple premise that we are most effective in shaping behavior when we acknowledge & reward movement towards the behaviors we want to see & refines it in a way that makes sense for adults. It also reinforces the idea that people are complex, and when we can remember & enjoy their strengths (something that can be pretty hard to do when your kid seems to be set on making careless or confusing choices), we help them to remember & draw on those strengths themselves.

 

It's helped me to feel more optimistic...though, like with many experiences with uncertain outcomes, I need to work at it. It's really not just about addiction, though that piece is certainly covered. Both personally & professionally (I work with kids and their families), it's helped me to feel like I have more power to effect a positive outcome, and given me some good tools. Perhaps you might find it helpful, as well?

 

Solo parenting. <sigh> Not for the faint of heart.

 

Maybe we should start a support group of our own, seems like there are quite a few of us!

[Trying]

I was at a family party yesterday, oldest son was working and not there, and DHs cousin made a wonderful offer to have DS work for him and even has an apartment next door he could stay in because they are over an hour away.  It would be good hard manual work but DHs cousin is also a very smart business man and would teach him so much.  I mentioned it to my son casually last night when he got home from work and will talk to him more about it today.  I'm not sure if he is ready to take on such a big challenge because he has had a lot of trouble facing the extended family and feels judged and insecure but I know it would be so good for him. This particular cousin went through his own challenging times as a teen and young adult before I knew him and now he is one of the hardest working people I know.  He has a beautiful wife and family and a wonderful life and could be an amazing mentor for my son if son allows him to be.  Fingers crossed.

[SoVerySad]

I hope that opportunity works out for him, Trying. Sending love and hugs...

[mmg19]

Sounds like opportunities are happening.  Hope this works out.  It is so difficult when we see what could be and hurt because a child does not see it, but love and patience will help.  Good Luck and glad you have family support. 

[trying2breathe]

 

This is so good to hear, I hope that this works out for all of you. 

 

 

 

 

[Trying]

Another line crossed tonight.  I made him call DHs cousin on the spot and he is headed out early tomorrow morning to go work for him and hopefully to stay there.  I don't want him back until he gets his head straightened out and starts taking responsibility for himself.  My heart is too shattered to break any more and admitting that I can't be the one to help him has been hard. This is the opportunity that can turn things around for him, I really hope he is ready.  Good thing I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.

[klim]

ok this is good.....he's approaching a new adventure.. you helped him get there.