I've stopped wanting things

[still_lost]

It's been almost seven years since losing my husband. I've discovered over the past few years that I've given up on so much. I don't have the drive or the energy to do anything outside of raising my child. When he was alive, I felt like anything was possible. I felt empowered to pursue any goal that I set for myself. Now I couldn't care less. I honestly don't have any hope for the future, and i feel like the beat parts of me died with him. I'm strong, I have to be for my child, but I'm exhausted. I've had my share of problems even before my husband died, but losing him has been the worst thing to ever happen to me. I'm not sure that I can ever come back from it. Does anyone else feel the same way?

[patswife22]

We all deal with our grief differently.  Doesn't make any difference how far out we are.  However, how we ourselves travel it can be different.  I will admit about 4 years ago when I started my journal I was angry and it seemed like I was tired of going through this dark period of my life. 

 

My life changed when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I look back and think I dealt with it the best I could.  I thought a miracle would end this nightmare.  But it didn't.  My husband died.  Since his passing I was in a near fatal car accident with a drunk.  No broken bones but alot of bruising.  Almost one month to the day of that accident I was terminated from my job.  Considering a month after his passing I received a glowing review and a huge raise.  When I was terminated my boss who was so understanding of my situation had left the company.  Her replacement was a woman who had absolutely not one care in the world about my situation.  So not only did I lose my husband now I was on my own to look for another job along with hundreds of thousands of others. 

 

I felt like I was in a rut.  Only I could get me to the point that I had to do what I needed to do.  I didn't care what others thought I should do with my life.  They didn't know what I was dealing with.  How could they?  Their spouses were still alive.  Eventually, my life turned around.  In fact it did a 360 degree turn.  I met a great guy who also happens to be widowed.  He put that smile back on my face that was missing for quite sometime.  I finally found a job to help pay the bills.  I realized I and only I can make my life to what I want it to be.  I had a daughter who lost her father and I had to be around for her.  I made sure that she did not know about my depression and my grief.  So here I am 9 1/2 years into this journey of Hell on Earth and right where I need to be.  I looked around and now I am thinking more clearly.  I met some great widows who helped me immensely in my darkest period of my life.  Don't wait for others to guide you.  Only you know.  Do it at YOUR own pace but I also found that I needed to get out the rut I was in.  The fog has finally lifted and I can now walk through life with my head held high and I know what I had I cannot get back.  But as I move forward I now walk with my eyes wide open and go with the flow.  I don't think what could happen but what will. 

[rae]

I feel this way too.  It's been 5 years since my husband died.  Before his death, I was an optimist and always had goals and plans for the future and I worked hard to get what I wanted.

 

After he died, for the first couple of years, I worked so hard to keep going, to create a new life, to find a way to be happy again.  It was a frenzy of activity for about two years, all in emergency mode, then I burned out.  I did my best to build a new life, and I did, and it's ok, but it's not the same.  I'm not the same. 

 

These days I'm apathetic about almost everything.  "I've stopped wanting things" describes the feeling perfectly.  These days I just go through the motions.  I put on a mask and do what I have to do and smile when I'm supposed to smile, but my heart just isn't in it.

 

I tell myself this is just a phase of grief (a really looooong one) that I need to be patient with.  Maybe I'm still recovering from the burnout.  It's frustrating to feel so stuck, and scary too. 

 

For a long time I had absolutely no goals for the future.  I told my sister this, and she, not really understanding the depth of the problem, suggested I just make a list, and start with "Learn to fish."

 

What??? 

 

But I have slowly started to develop a few goals.  I've been reading historical fiction, decluttering my closets, sprucing up the yard.  I tell myself these are real goals, small, but a start.  One day I think the kinds of hopes and dreams I had before my old life ended will come more naturally. 

 

So maybe you could learn to fish?  That would be my sister's advice...  hang in there, none of this is easy. 

[marjoe]

i get it. Over the years, there have been many times I've been energized, forging forward (I know, just slap me) - and then, there are other times where my motivation is nil. It's worse than that - it's like I want to do something, but I'm too pumped to even concentrate, and, at the same time, sloth-like. Oy. I hate it when I feel like that.

[Trying]

I am about to hit 3 years and for a little over a year I have been setting some pretty big new goals for myself. I've done this because I think it's what is good for me not because I'm really motivated or energized about new challenges. I keep hoping that feeling will kick and while I get some glimpses of that it really is not sustainable.  I end up procrastinating and everything takes far longer than it should.  I guess it's a bit of the "fake till you make it" mentality I'm trying to use.  I can't tell you if this approach is going to work in the long run for me or not, I'm still a work in progress.  I do know that solo parenting is exhausting and can be all consuming of emotional, physical and spiritual energy and allowing myself to put some of that energy towards myself has been challenging.  I realized that if I didn't start filling my own well I would end up having nothing left to give my kids.

 

I don't know that anyone ever gets back to who they were before the loss of a spouse, a piece of us will always be missing.  I hope you don't beat yourself up for the way you feel but don't give up searching for something that can ignite a small spark in you.

[Guest TooSoon]

Still_lost, I have tried not to look at it as giving up but as moving forward.  Some things that used to matter simply don't anymore.  Other things (my ridiculous house) are just too big for me to take on if it means sacrificing the things that matter most to me (doing things with my daughter, career stuff).  Going from life as a two parent/two career/one child household to a one parent/one career/one child household was a monumental change - and I had to change accordingly.  It took me some time to accept that this was not giving in or giving up; it was simply adapting to a new reality.  Sending support.

[MauiMermaid]

I totally understand. 3.5 years have passed and I feel the same. It's like my passion for life evaporated when he died. Things that used to bring me so much joy simply don't anymore. I feel like my battery is worn down so much with just living this new version of life that I have little left over for interests and rediscovery. That sounds terribly bleak and dark but the most accurate way of describing it. Apathy is the most succinct term I guess. I just don't have the energy or will to try new things and truly "live" again. Feel like I'm sort of going through the motions without much purpose or drive.

 

Many would say that is classic "depression" but I truly believe it is just the heavy hand of grief. I never had issues like this before he died and, believe me, I've had my share of trials and tribulations in life.

 

Life is about turns and twists and I'm hoping there comes a day where the light shines on me a little brighter. It feels so dark and lonely without him here. ((((Hugs)))) to you, I understand. Hang in there. xoxo

[sikeuritgadeun]

I also feel this way.  I have lost all motivation.  There is no joy or happiness for me anymore.  I am overwhelmed and tired.  When my husband was alive and well we did things, alone and together.  Now knowing that he is not here has stopped me in my tracks.  I gave up somehow,  I am trying to pull myself out of this place but it's hard.  Losing him has changed my life forever.

I do have some good days and I keep moving on, I do what I have to do to survive.  Hopefully I will get that spark back and not feel that life is so pointless.

[tybec]

I relate to this, too. I am moving forward.  I am doing okay with rearing my child.  I am surviving, and sometimes a little bit thriving.  I did purposefully try new things the 2nd year out, to just be different, experience novelty. But if you asked me where I see myself in 5 years, 10 years, I can't tell you.  I could before.  There were goals, ideas, things to look forward to, reach for with my DH.  Now, I just want to get my child independent someday, but then what?  In a society, culture, that believes you should have the 5, 10, 20 year plan, and your plan is wiped out as you PLANNED to do it as a couple, whatever it was, it is hard to regroup.  I don't find a career satisfying.  It doesn't hold your hand at the doctor's office or put its arm around you at your parents' funeral.  Money doesn't solve it all, either, though it helps, I know.  Human interdependence with someone who has your back and vice versus.  That is what matters in the long run. Could be a new spouse, a circle of friends, but people and relationships.  So, I get the lack or change of motivation.  It is just hard. 

[MauiMermaid]

I also feel this way.  I have lost all motivation.  There is no joy or happiness for me anymore.  I am overwhelmed and tired.  When my husband was alive and well we did things, alone and together.  Now knowing that he is not here has stopped me in my tracks.  I gave up somehow,  I am trying to pull myself out of this place but it's hard.  Losing him has changed my life forever.

I do have some good days and I keep moving on, I do what I have to do to survive.  Hopefully I will get that spark back and not feel that life is so pointless.

 

Ditto. {{{Hugs}}}

 

p.s. love your quote.

[MauiMermaid]

I am moving forward.  I am surviving, and sometimes a little bit thriving.  I did purposefully try new things the 2nd year out, to just be different, experience novelty. But if you asked me where I see myself in 5 years, 10 years, I can't tell you.  I could before.  There were goals, ideas, things to look forward to, reach for with my DH.  Now, I just want to get my child independent someday, but then what?  In a society, culture, that believes you should have the 5, 10, 20 year plan, and your plan is wiped out as you PLANNED to do it as a couple, whatever it was, it is hard to regroup.  I don't find a career satisfying.  It doesn't hold your hand at the doctor's office or put its arm around you at your parents' funeral.  Money doesn't solve it all, either, though it helps, I know.  Human interdependence with someone who has your back and vice versus.  That is what matters in the long run. Could be a new spouse, a circle of friends, but people and relationships.  So, I get the lack or change of motivation.  It is just hard.

 

Totally this. Outwardly, you'd say I've "progressed". New relationship for the past 2 years, new job, new place to call home, trips here and there. But I feel no purpose and I'm just always so damn exhausted all the time. When your life goals are wiped clean, how do you regroup? I feel like I was born again into an entirely different life. It's so unsettling. I miss being two. Being one and starting over at your most fragile - not so much. I'll keep plugging away at this but everything in my life feels likes it's coated in a constant hurt.

 

{{{Hugs to all}}}. Thank you still_lost for starting this thread. It clearly resonated with many of us.

[Jen]

It clearly resonated with many of us.

 

All of the above. I'm glad it's not just me, but I'm sad that it's not, too. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone.

[Mrskro]

My DS and I were just having a conversation about this, what I'm going to do next.  He just started high school and both he and my daughter know my only goal is to get them off to university/college and started in life. 

 

My only response was "I'm a woman without a plan, I don't have a what next...."

 

I work, I'm raising my kids, I have friends but I don't have any goals or frankly the energy to set them.  I feel like I have no future.

 

 

[serpico]

Many would say that is classic "depression" but I truly believe it is just the heavy hand of grief. I never had issues like this before he died and, believe me, I've had my share of trials and tribulations in life.

 

I'm not qualified to say what is or isn't 'depression', but couldn't depression be caused by grief?  That sounds obvious, but what I'm saying is that there are things you can do when you have depression, whether it is caused by grief or something else like an inherent chemical imbalance.

 

I guess I see a lot of these posts and I worry about the apathy and its effect on people and those close to them.  I understand the loss of hope due to being widowed but I like to think these feelings are temporary - even if 'temporary' in this case can mean many years.

[MisterWes]

I'm 7 years out now, and I have had a really difficult time with this.

 

I wouldn't have described it as 'not wanting things', but more that I can't see my future anymore.  Which, I realize as soon as I say it, is pretty silly--when could I ever really see my future?  And yet, that's how it feels.  Before my wife was diagnosed with cancer and then died only a handful of months later, I thought I had control over my future.  I had plans and goals and a map for my life.  And then, suddenly, I had no future.  None.  It was all a blank fog in my mind when I thought of anything ahead of me. 

 

But it wasn't just that my future was wiped clean.  I couldn't even fill that void--I was too terrified of finding that my sandcastle futures would be washed away again, that I simply couldn't even imagine anything in my future.  For the first several months, I couldn't conceive of anything more than 24 hours ahead.  I lived one day at a time.  It was all I could do to just stick to a daily routine of taking care of my 8 year old son and trying to function at work and at home. 

 

After a few months, during my son's summer vacation, I planned a two-week trip with my boy to go see my brother out of state.  That was a difficult thing for me at the time, though, planning is a loose term for what I did.  I was merely taking advantage of an unplanned break in my contracting schedule, and it was simple for me to make the decision to go, and then a few days later, pack up a few things, and start driving.  Even then, I couldn't make any firm plans about what I would do when I got there, or even exactly how long I would be staying.  Look two whole weeks ahead to a point at which I would drive home again, was a difficult stretch for me. 

 

After nine months, I moved into an apartment.  I wanted to go month-to-month, but couldn't find a place I liked that would offer it.  Signing even a six month lease filled me with dread and anxiety.  I'm not sure how I even managed to do it.

 

It was still a couple years before I could look ahead to the following year.  I'm getting better.  Now I can think about and plan for the holiday season, and into next summer without too much trouble.  5 years, 10 years, 20 years, retirement... those still look pretty empty, though, and I simply can't imagine how to repopulate that vast blankness.

 

On a more positive note, though, I have come to terms with the fact that I really don't have control over my future, and never did.  I could lose my job due to unforeseen circumstances.  I could lose all my earthly possessions in some crazy natural disaster.  I could lose the function of my hands, eyes, legs, ears, or mind in an accident or from some terrible illness.  I could (heaven forbid) lose my current wife, or my child.  And, terrifying as those things might be, I know that those futures are just as insubstantial as anything else I can dream up.  I've learned that to cling to an ephemeral future is folly.  I've learned the peace of living one day at a time.  I have plenty that I enjoy in my life *right now*, and I've learned to be grateful, content, and happy with my world *as it is today*.

[MauiMermaid]

Many would say that is classic "depression" but I truly believe it is just the heavy hand of grief. I never had issues like this before he died and, believe me, I've had my share of trials and tribulations in life.

 

I'm not qualified to say what is or isn't 'depression', but couldn't depression be caused by grief?  That sounds obvious, but what I'm saying is that there are things you can do when you have depression, whether it is caused by grief or something else like an inherent chemical imbalance.

 

I guess I see a lot of these posts and I worry about the apathy and its effect on people and those close to them.  I understand the loss of hope due to being widowed but I like to think these feelings are temporary - even if 'temporary' in this case can mean many years.

 

Well in my case, I personally still seek professional therapy (a therapist specializing in PTSD and grief therapy). And, at one time, a Psychiatrist in conjunction with that. The latter wanted to put me on every pharmaceutical under the sun. I'm talking heavy anxiety meds 3x day (Klonipin), anti-depressants (Wellbutrin and others), sleeping pills (Trazadone, Ambien) and the like. I don't begrudge anyone taking medication but it's not for me. Therapy has helped (she practices EMDR) and something I continue.

 

If you met me, you wouldn't imagine that I'd write the things I do here. I keep it together outwardly and have continued my Chapter 2 because, well, life is short and I have to do my best. I have a pretty darn good job that I perform very well and a loving and caring Ch 2 relationship. But deep in my soul, that is the broken part. There is the deep empty. A pulsing void where he used to be. It feels like my heart is just permanently maimed if that makes sense. I don't believe that this is chemical... that's just me knowing me.

 

So I'm not sure about the "effect on people close to me". I don't cry to them daily or keep myself in my bed shielded from the world. This is just a deep personal hurt that I can't imagine them to understand so I have learned to process it myself. BF understands and knows this. Sometimes I confide in him but the majority of the time keep it concealed. I wouldn't say he is affected negatively nor anyone I work with or friends, family.

 

As far as time, I don't doubt it may be years and years. I grew up with my husband, spent more than half my young life with him, and have a small circle of family (that was mostly his). So, erase him from the picture and I was literally left with a clean slate and 22 years of memories that only I hold now.

 

I hope my words help others feel less alone in their feelings. I hope it helps them know they that are understood. Those are powerful things in this journey.