Three simple words...

[SoVerySad]

Yesterday I was helping at a local campaign office. There was a man there I recognized that had known my husband, T. He told me I looked familiar. I told him I believe he had known my husband, T. He said he had and how shocked he had been to learn he had passed away and he was sorry as it must be hard without him. Then he turned to his wife and said, "Hey, Judy, this is "T lastname's widow". It was an accurate description and I'm in no way complaining about him describing me as such.

 

But those 3 simple words sucked the air right out of me. I guess I've never been called that in person before. It felt so matter of fact, which in turn felt so sad and painful. The fact that I'm going out a little and involving myself in life again rather than holing up at home as I had been is proof that I'm making progress. But the emotions tied to being separated from T haven't lessened. I still painfully miss him - no softening of that yet. And three simple words have the ability to remind me of that - to trigger an intense wave of grief again.

[donswife]

yes I can only imagine how that must have felt

it is the surprise attacks of grief that are hard to manage

I still remember the first time someone said the Widow word to describe me

it was one of my dearest friends and no bad intentions were meant . like you said it is the truth

still stopped me and I truly had to catch my breath , still do sometimes as it seems still so unreal

sending you hugs and as usual we get that feeling and it sucks

[Trying]

It's one thing if I refer to myself as a widow, which took me a long time to do outside of this forum, but I have felt similar to you hearing someone else say it.  I can be very contradictory which leaves people in a no win situation.  When I am regarded as "Tim's widow" I want to scream that I am still an individual with my own personal identity.  But then, if someone treats me as if I should have it all together by now I want to scream "don't you know I'm a widow and I will always have a piece of me missing!"  I guess the progress is that I now realize the problem is more often in me than in the person whose comments trigger the reaction.  It sounds like you get that too.  It doesn't soften our reaction but makes us kinder towards the well meaning person who unknowingly hit a nerve.

[SemperFidelis]

Yeah that would definitely be jarring. I haven't heard the word referring to me yet.....but I think it would be a little surreal to say the least.

[trying2breathe]

Those words would take me aback too, SVS.  I wonder if we will ever be okay with the word "widow" to describe ourselves.  Three years out and then some and it still doesn't seem right. 

[Max2507]

That was hard to read, like it must have felt like a punch in the stomach. In my head I just imagine he said it in a casual way like hey its Susie from soccer's sister or the wife of a guy he knew from the gym.

[SoVerySad]

It is so validating to post here and have people who understand how something seemingly small can trigger such heartache. Thank you all for responding.

[canadiangirl]

I'm sorry about this - I have actually never been referred to this way, yet.  You are that, it's true, but also much more.  That's great you are working in the local campaign office- very inspiring to me, as I am still holed up for the most part.  Hugs.