When you have to tell someone your spouse is dead - three years+ later.

[piecesofapart]

I was in the supermarket last weekend..one I usually don't go to...I round the corner and hear my name. It's one of my old bosses (left the job 15 years ago.) In my line of work I get pretty close the boss and her family- and she to mine. So she knew my husband.  Of course the second question out of her mind is.

How is your husband? I was taken a back...a billion thoughts went thru my mind....of how do I tell her.

 

I just said..Oh, you don't know...sadly my husband passed away. Of course the shock...a few tears..a hug..Im so sorry...

 

Then..she asks- What happened?

(Well I don't want to say the shocking story...only my closest family knows...- he completed suicide in his mother's basement by bleeding to death.)

 

I just tell her...it's hard to talk about. She says..Oh sure...

 

So we talk about some other stuff....she really is a nice person.

 

As we are saying good-bye..she hugs me and says..Again I am so sorry...you'll see the first year is hard but it will get better.

 

I wanted to say WTF? like you know? is your husband dead?

but I just said...From my first hand exp. not really..as it's been 3 years...it never leaves you- you just learn to live with it.

 

Well...I've been back down a hole the entire week...just when you think you've got the grief thing all organized...something like this happens and rips the wound open again...

 

Ugh...will widowhood ever stop slapping me in the face?

[Forgottenwife]

This can take you out for a bit - I understand.

 

My husband also died by suicide and telling people is so hard. I hear you and I'm feeling for you today.

[Portside]

I'm almost 10 years out and it still occurs when meeting old classmates or previous workmates, etc. Telling them "oh, T. died some time ago" has never been an issue for me.

 

I made my mind up long ago I'd be pretty straight forward with her manner of death if anyone wanted to know. Normally, I'll say something along the lines of "T. took her own life after a very long illness". That seems to answer most everyone's questions. I'm fine with it.

 

I disagree being widowed never leaves you. It can if you want it to and you work hard to make it happen. But that experience is not for everyone. We are all very different.

 

I have never experienced the supposed shame of my spouses' suicide. Why should I? I didn't do anything. My late wife was very ill - it's as simple as that. If anyone needs to know the gruesome details of her passing, I'll tell them. It really isn't an issue for me. It was, as we all know, a major event that most folks are fortunate to never experience. Since it is unusual, I'll explain what it's all about if that is what they want.

 

The fact of the matter is, I am proud of myself for raising my sons into happy, productive and well-balanced young men even though they have been through the meat-grinder of life. 

 

If we can handle this, we can do anything.

 

And that is something.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[Wheelerswife]

I disagree being widowed never leaves you. It can if you want it to and you work hard to make it happen. But that experience is not for everyone. We are all very different.

 

I'm sorry, Mike, but I can't let this sit here without comment.  I understand that some people may be able to move forward to a place where the impact of being widowed lessens significantly or is even eliminated.  I don't think, however that this is a significant majority of us.  Your comment insinuates that it takes a certain attitude or resolve or strength or something...to "overcome" the impact of widowhood, and that all of us should be capable of finding a way to manage this task.

 

I personally don't believe this is possible, and I don't believe it is even desired.  If I were able to overcome the impact of widowhood, I would have to deny my very self, which is the person that I am that has evolved because of my experiences of being widowed.  Of course, I am not just a person who has been widowed and many other parts of me contribute to my identity.  My other experiences in life, such as my education, my careers, my family, my friends (I could go on) impact the person that I am.  How could losing a spouse not have a lasting impact on me?

 

Perhaps there are people who have the ability to choose to ignore the impact of widowhood, or who overcome some of the the impact of widowhood because positive experiences in their life begin to supersede the challenges due to loss.  I suspect that this could be the case where the relationship with the late spouse was stressful and challenging and there is relief that comes in addition to grief when the spouse dies.  But I don't know that this is possible...or, as I said, even desired...by those of us who have had really wonderful and beautiful relationships with our late spouses.

 

I worked for over 2 decades in health care, and with more elderly people in my last 10 years of work.  I was often in positions where I spent hours with people during their physical rehabilitation.  Patients often asked about my family as we passed the time doing exercises or resting between them.  After I lost my first husband, I would sometimes tell patients this information in response to their question, "Are you married?"  I had a good handful or two open up to me about being widowed young.  Not once did any of them ever tell me that I would get over it.  Their stories were more about how they didn't have anyone in their lives that knew of the persistent feelings of loss that they had, even in spite of the positives in their lives - including remarriage.  Some of these people had been widowed 30 years or more and could clearly recall memories of the happy times they had had with their late spouses, as well as admitting to the reality that the loss still impacted them many many years later.

 

I'm sorry to hijack the original thread, but I wanted to address this comment.  Quite honestly, if loss still wasn't impacting those of us who are years out, we wouldn't still feel the need to be checking in on this type of board, even if we only believe we do it to encourage others who have also walked this path.  I know that after remarrying, I still stayed on the old board (YWBB, which has since shut down) precisely because I knew that in spite of the wonderful relationship I had with my second husband, the loss of my first husband continued to have - and still has - an impact on me.

 

Maureen

[marjoe]

No offense, Mike, but I agree with Maureen's post and thoughts. I'm a different person, with a different perspective, and there is no turning back. It is what it is. My feelings of mortality, and control (or lack of), stay with me.

[Euf]

What Maureen said.

 

Being widowed is not the end of your life. But I don't understand how ones experiences (and being widowed is a doozy of an experience) don't influence who you are. The sum of our experiences seems to me to be who we are.

 

Sorry also to hijack.

 

piecesofapart  (((hugs)))  I still have those moments at 10 years where I have to tell someone that Jim died. 

Ugh...will widowhood ever stop slapping me in the face?

  Yes.  I think the slapping stops and it becomes more a pinch or a scrape. I would hate for it never to matter so I'm OK with those scrapes and pinches.

[SemperFidelis]

Portside: 2nd everything Maureen said.

That said, I wonder if instead what you were suggesting was more to do with widowhood as an identity? Not as much widowhood itself?

 

If that's the case then I can see how you might be able to cognitively separate yourself from the widowhood identity a bit easier than some others. I think when you are married to someone who is mentally ill(and I was also) and you KNOW they are mentally ill too, 1st off the relationship dynamic is already seriously different than other relationship dynamics... You/we/I learn to cognitively separate ourselves from the mentally ill person early on. Im not sure how to better explain that. Maybe we learn to live on our own mentally before the death even occurs. Just speculating.

 

On another note, I wholeheartedly agree with you about the "shame of suicide" thing. I can not relate to feeling any shame for my husband's acts....whether it's to do with suicide or some other ACTUALLY shameful thing he might have done. None of it is any reflection on me. I was an excellent wife and caregiver, no matter his level of participation in his death.

[SemperFidelis]

And OP, I can see why you were so jarred and thrown off. I would be equally stirred. Several months ago I had a similar but far less extensive interaction with the hardware store clerk who hadn't seen my husband in a while. It was totally weird.

[piecesofapart]

Thanks everyone. I hope you all know how much it means to me that you took the time to share. No one understands like you all here. And this is the only place I can talk feely- and once I do- I feel better- after reading your comments and words of support.

 

Honestly I am not ashamed to tell anyone he died by suicide...well at least not anymore.

 

I actually don't say it to shield THEM from the shock. (I know screw em..but I am just like that..I don't ever want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. )There are still quite a few people in my life that I have never said how he passed..they never asked..so I never mentioned it. If they do ask I feel I have a better understanding now...and could help educate them- as there are still so many misconceptions about people who take their lives.

 

I am very proud of my husband for fighting for so long- toward the last few months his quality of life was horrible...the meds had so many side effects...even though he tried so hard..did everything the doctors told him too..but he just could not come out of the depression or lessen the anxiety.

 

I never felt it was a reflection on me...yes- there were many things I could have..should have done things differently...but I tried the best I could- especially toward the end- after one of his more serious attempts- (honestly the others he brushed off- so I believed him- but hindsight is 20/20).

 

But the one before the final one- was really bad- took an enormous amount of pills- was in coma for 3 days...and opened my eyes widely. So I was much kinder and understanding- but he hid so much from me about his illness- I only saw the craziness. Even though his behavior got even more erratic and I was always wondering what I was going to find when I came home. (The last year he had three arrests for stupid stuff...related to huffing...driving up a curb and on the sidewalk in a school zone after huffing and stealing a can in a store and huffing it right there in the store while he was shopping with his mom.)

 

Portside- I hope you did not take offense to how some reacted to your comment about how you feel about widowhood leaving you. Everyone is different. I tend to feel more like Maureen so eloquently shared. But can understand how you can feel the way you do.

 

SemperFidelis you are right- it's the widowhood identity. I am getting there. I never could say widowed until almost 2 and half years out. I know it's reality- but it's not one I was ready to live in- I am getting there now. I guess these experiences- like having to tell someone 3+ years out..push us along.

 

You are also so right about the dynamics being different when you are married to a person who is mentally ill- and how you start to separate yourself. He tried to end his life 8 times before he succeed. I knew it was coming...one day. And now that the day came- you relive everything that lead up to it- as you can see more clearly when you are not so stressed out- after living with madness for 16 years- it takes a long time to process it and start to live a life without that craziness. What sucks is that the craziness was replaced by deep grief and sorrow- he was so wonderful when I meet him- before he got so sick. He put me thru a lot...But even then he was the best "husband" where it mattered most.

 

Slowly I am building a new life...but like I said sometimes it comes back and slaps you in the face....

but like you said Portside..if we can handle this..we can do anything...and that is the thought I am keeping forefront in my mind.

 

Thanks again everyone...wishing you all peace...

[cassandra]

I was in the supermarket last weekend..one I usually don't go to...I round the corner and hear my name. It's one of my old bosses (left the job 15 years ago.) In my line of work I get pretty close the boss and her family- and she to mine. So she knew my husband.  Of course the second question out of her mind is.

 

 

Piecesofapart,

 

I am sorry you had to deal with your former boss's insensitivity.  I still sometimes get this, even at almost nine years out.  Having to say my husband is dead or that I am a widow is what I call dropping the death bomb.  Sometimes it's hard to deliver, but we can't avoid it.  Other times I have done it just for effect and the nearly universal head tilt and reply of "how arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre you?"

 

Cassandra

[Beyondlife]

I agree with Maureen.  My husband died suddenly. Six years later, I am still grieving him and the life we had.  I have moved forward and am content with my life, but it still takes me out sometimes.

We all have our own journey.