Strangest feeling

[Blue green]

Losing my husband and him simply not being here is the strangest sensation I have ever experienced. I think about his skin that I will never touch again. The way he hugged me and the nuances of simply being close to him. It will be 12 weeks tomorrow. He had a stroke one day and died the next. When I think about never touching him again, a feeling just comes over me. It's strange, like I said. It's still hard to believe and put words to it. He was cremated and it is unreal that he can be here one day and gone the next. Just so strange that I will never touch him again and that the skin that I was so accustomed to is no longer even exists. I think that's one of the biggest adjustments, his body not longer exists on this earth. He didn't believe in God. He didn't believe he had a soul. I don't know where he is, just that he is not here. I'm not sure if there is the peace that I've felt with other loved ones' passing. Just some ramblings. Thanks for reading.

[Julester3]

I hear you on touch and skin. I am almost obsessed with it because I don't want to forget the feeling. I was upset the day my husband died. I wasn't allowed to touch him since he had to go to the medical examiner. I was devastated but I understood the protocol. I could no longer touch or caress him and I knew once I saw him at the visitation that he was going to be altered and would no longer be able to associate with the feeling I had when I touched him when he was alive. It's weird and surreal trying to explain it.

 

Hugs today.

[SemperFidelis]

Yes....It's really a very surreal thing..... Even 16 months out its surreal and nonsensical to think about. I can't really wrap my mind around it.

[TornApart]

It is strange. Surreal. I'm still not accustomed to it almost 4 years later, but I have learnt to live with it.

 

I had 4 days from when they told me he would never wake up from the surgery to when we switched off life support, and I spent as much of it as I could in the bed with him, stroking him, memorising the feel of his skin, his heat, the shape of his ears... I was in bed with him when they switched off his life support and they let you stay with him for about 5 minutes after, but as soon as his heart stopped beating, I had to leave. What was him was gone. I could fool myself when he was in a coma, but not once he stopped feeling like him.

 

He was buried after organ donation and even though we had talked through all of in the few days we had been his diagnosis and his death, and I am a quite logical atheist, it was just so incredibly difficult to get my head around it. Him not being here. Anywhere. The difference between his body and him. I ended up getting specialised counselling around it all from the organ donation psychologist. I finally came to terms with the idea that there were echoes of him, imprints, copies of him inside me, in my head and my heart. Thats when I kind of felt that he was somehow still with me.

 

Sorry. Not sure if that helps at all. But it is just all so much to get your head around. It takes time. Feeling your pain, Blue Green.

[Maverick86]

I absolutely know what you mean. When my SO died it had already been over three weeks since I had seen him; he was over a thousand miles away for work. I used to cry because I missed him so much but I had no idea. That is what I miss the most- just waking up next to him and snuggling. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I roll over to his side of the bed and close my eyes and picture him there with me. I miss his warmth next to me and his smell. It's so surreal that I will NEVER feel that again. I touched him at the funeral home but obviously that was not nearly the same.  I'm sorry you are going through this as well. It is hell.

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry you all are feeling this loss. I still miss being able to touch my husband. Touch is really important to me and I've felt the loss of it very deeply. My husband died suddenly from a fatal heart arrhythmia. They tried to revive him without success. When I was allowed to see his body, I ran my fingers all over his skin, just wanting to memorize how he felt. I loved holding hands with him, so I lifted his hand to intertwine fingers as we so often did. His hand was cool and his fingers were getting hard to easily bend, but I had to have that feeling one last time.

 

I'm further out (3.5 years) and while I don't exactly remember the physical feeling of touching him or him touching me now, I totally remember the emotions I felt touching him and being touched by him- how much reassurance and comfort it brought me. I'm thankful to have those memories. If you feel you are losing the sensation of how your love felt, try to just remember how wonderful it was to touch him - the emotions doing so brought to you. It really helped me.

 

Hugs to each of you...

 

[JustLola]

When I look at pictures of my DH I can still feel his touch, the hair on his arms, the scruffiness of his face. If I look too long it becomes overwhelming because I know I'll never have it again for real. I hope I never forget.

 

I recently found one of his t-shirts in the hamper. It was buried in the folds of a laundry bag and I must have missed it. It still had his scent on it. I folded it up again in the bag. I will never wash it.

[Catnip]

It's almost 10 years for me.

I look at pictures and get that feeling. In one picture he has his arm around me, it's on my shoulder. He was standing right next to me!

In another picture, I'm sitting next to him with my hand on his leg, holding my coffee cup. I was right there next to him, there's proof!

 

It is surreal that he was actually here at one time, oh so long ago.

[JustLola]

It is surreal that he was actually here at one time, oh so long ago.

 

So true! Sometimes I wonder if he was ever real or if I imagined him, and it's only been 7 months for me. Wonder how much more surreal it will feel after 10 years.

[beth_krkswidow]

I was fortunate in that I got to lie with my husband's body for hours. If you had told me prior that I would lie with and cuddle with, a dead body, I'd have said you were nuts. But I did, and I am so thankful for those many hours. I lay with him,  I hugged him, I smacked him, I told him how much I loved him, I yelled at him for leaving me, etc. etc. It was insanely surreal, but I am thankful for that time.

Hugs to you

[Julester3]

I recently found one of his t-shirts in the hamper. It was buried in the folds of a laundry bag and I must have missed it. It still had his scent on it. I folded it up again in the bag. I will never wash it.

 

That was one of the first things I did. I went through the hamper and chose 4 shirts and put them in ziplock bags to preserve his scent. I don't need them as much now as I did the first few days. It was how I coped when the police wouldn't let me touch him. Now I am content on wearing a shirt or hoodie of his now and then.

[MauiMermaid]

Thanks for posting, Blue green. Big (((hugs))) to you... sorry you have to go through this.

 

You and the others explained it so well. It's just surreal, like we're living in a different universe or something. Like you, my husband died suddenly. Here and healthy and then poof... gone. It's indeed a very strange feeling and hard to describe... too visceral to put in words.

 

I'm going on 4 years and I can't figure out which is more difficult to believe... that he lived or that he died. Sometimes I feel like I just dreamed up my "old" life. Still can't seem to fathom that I'll never touch him, kiss him, hear his voice, laugh with him, see him get old.

 

Big hugs to you and thanks for posting. xoxo