Introducing myself

[Julkron8110]

Hi my name is Julie I just joined the page today and I wanted to introduce myself and give a little back sorry.  On the night of a December 22 2016 at 7:36pm I lost my fiancé and the love of my life.  He was on his way to our families anual Thursday night dinner from work when he went left a center and met head on with a truck..he was in a tiny Honda Civic.  They say he was killed on impact and didn't feel a thing which I am not fully convinced well because I'm just not sure about anything. We had been together for seven years have a beautiful 1 year old baby girl and we're planning a wedding for July 22 2017.  I am having a really hard time excepting this as my reality he was my soul mate my better half and now I feel almost empty inside I say almost because my daughter is helping stay some what sane but I just don't know any more lmyblife has spun completely out of control and I hate that I can't fix it I wish it were all a dream.  I am struggleing with. It having the right kind of closure because it went from kissing him goodbye in the morning to 5 days later seeing him laying in a casket with nothing in between. How can I find closure? I've went and looked at his car I've red the accident report I've looked at on scene pictures of the accident my next 2 steps to decide on is reading his autopsy report and looking at pictures of his body on scene.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Julie,

 

I'm so sorry that you had to join our club.  Your loss is so fresh and your mind is trying to make sense of something that is unfathomable.  We understand, here, however.

 

I understand the need to know...but I don't know if seeing some of the graphic photos will offer you comfort or bring you more agony.  Nothing that you will see will bring him back.

 

Many years ago I was a volunteer EMT and I responded to fatal car crashes.  Just believe that if they did not immediately transport his body, it is highly likely that he was killed on impact and nothing could be done to help him.  People who respond to crashes like this will do anything in their power to save a life...if it is possible.  It is highly unlikely he had awareness of injury or pain.

 

As far as closure...I don't even know if that is possible.  There will come a time when you will integrate his death into your mind, but this takes time.  If you are anything like me, I relived much of the circumstances surrounding the deaths of my husbands for many months.  I think, for me at least, I needed to do that in order to truly grasp my reality. 

 

Some of our best advice for you is to take care of your basic needs.  Drink water.  Breathe.  Eat when you can.  Sleep when you can.  Treasure your precious daughter.  Accept the help that is offered if it is helpful.  Allow yourself to enjoy little pleasures without guilt.  Come here and vent to your heart's content and connect with other young people who understand your circumstances.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

 

[Portside]

Hi Julie - My personal take on viewing the scene photos and reading the autopsy report is to avoid them. If you view the pictures, your last memory of your BF will be of his shattered body - not how you currently remember him. The images of his broken body may possibly never leave you memory and who really wants that?

 

Similarly, autopsy reports are filled with medical terms and jargon that will mean very little to laymen such as ourselves.

 

Everyone is different, of course, but I don't suggest that course of action.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[Wife of Tomasz]

hello Julia,

I am so so sorry that you had to join us here. You will find people here that truly understand and have gone through a lot of the same feelings. It has been a life line for me, even though I don't post often. I am also widowed by sudden death. I remember the early shock and disbelief. Your body is in fight or flight mode and nothing makes sense. Everything feels like a dream, and everyday is filled with a fog. Be gentle with yourself. At this point you are in shock, and this can last for a few month. It takes a long time to process what has happened to us and even longer to adjust. I am more then a year out and I still have times when I feel like I am waiting for him to come home. I think that you don't need to do anything at this point but breath. As you will hear many here say. Take it one day, one hour, one min at a time.

I will say that I saw my husband die, I called 911, and still it did not make it any more real for me in those early days. However it did give me a lot of PTSD. Those images I cant get out of my head and they cause me enormous pain. Therefor I don't know if exposing yourself to the detail of the accident would be more harmful at this point. Once again be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself and your little girl, the rest will come with time. big hug

[Wife of Tomasz]

sorry I miss spelled your name. You can see my widow brain kicking in. 

[beth_krkswidow]

Hi Julie, I  am so very very sorry that you had to join the worst of all clubs.

I am so sorry. My advice is to make no decision regarding this. You are in total shock. I am still in partial shock at 7 months.  I still cannot make any major decisions. YOu don't have to decide now, so don't.  I am a master at procrastination now I Scarlett O'Hara just about everything,  and I  suggest you do that too, at this mind numbingly painful point.

Sending hugs, and, again, I am so sorry,

Beth

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry.  My DH was standing on a sidewalk when he was hit by a car that flew up onto the sidewalk from an accident in the roadway.  It's different, because he didn't die instantly, but had severe brain (and other) injuries, and I was at the hospital with "him" (he was not really there) for a couple days before the doctors declared him gone.  I try to push the image of him like that - powerless and broken and bloodied - out of my mind, to remember the so very alive, strong, dynamic, beautiful young man he was.  There was video footage of the accident because of businesses' security cameras around the area, and his father chose to watch it.  I chose not to.  It was, I believe, one of the best decisions of my life.  It is different for everyone, but the suddenness of his death, the shock, all of it - I had some pretty severe trauma to grapple with, as I'm sure you do too.  My advice - wait.  An autopsy report and photos aren't going anywhere.  Seeing it all could be very damaging.  Not seeing it could be an itch in your brain, but can't be very damaging.  There's so much that's rushed in the beginning just after their deaths.  But a lot of it really is not urgent.  Try to remember that.  Some of it is only urgent if you decide it is.  It doesn't have to be, and this is one of those.  If you're at all open to it, I suggest you start going to therapy (I did, and it was another of the best decisions of my life).  Thinking of you, and wishing you comfort and solace. 

[Laura1612]

Hi Julie,

 

I'm sorry you are joining us. I am a little more than two months out. I have relived every aspect of my husband's death, but it was illness. I really suggest that you don't look at those photos. Don't let that be your memory.

 

Like everyone else has says, keep breathing. We all know what you are feeling.

 

Laura

[Julester3]

To one Julie from another, I am sorry you are joining us here. I agree with a lot of the advice. My husband died suddenly so I needed the autopsy for closure because the cause of death on the death certificate was inadequate for me. I too recommend passing on viewing the photos. You honestly don't need the added stress and trauma to look at them at this time.

 

I think for me the pivotal point that really helped me move forward (not the same as moving on, I'm not even there) was accepting that this was a circumstance that could not be controlled and to simply accept it. Recognize you never have to like it and know that it was not only unfair but completely sucks. I also gather purpose from my own kids and making sure they know how much he loved them.

 

Hugs and strength to you.

[Mizpah]

Agree with Julester.  For me, for a long time, I felt like the idea of "acceptance" made complicit.  Lots of "idea words" like acceptance suddenly made me really angry.  How can I accept this?!  It is unacceptable!  And that's the thing: bearing the unbearable. 

 

Also, as for not necessarily believing he didn't suffer..... I went on this journey.  I talked to his boss, who was present and with him from impact, in the ambulance, til the hospital doctors took him toward surgery and I arrived, I talked to his doctors (about 6 months later - still didn't look at medical records or photos or video), I talked to the nurses and people who are neuroscience experts, etc., etc.  I *HAD* to know that he did not suffer.  If he suffered, I couldn't live with it.  But as time has gone on, I've realized not only that I will never know, not only that maybe perhaps NO ONE knows, but that it changes nothing.  Whatever suffering he had in that moments or moments is over, has been over, was over before my suffering began.  What happened to him is horrible, just horrible, and I lost the most important person/thing.  That's bad enough.  The hunt to know if he suffered, no matter what the answer, it only tortured me.

[serpico]

I'm of a different mind regarding the accident pictures in that I needed to see them. My wife died instantly in a car wreck, and I found out when I drove up to the scene while I was out looking for her.  I wasn't close enough to actually see her, though we were fortunate to be able to have an open casket funeral so the kids and I could say our goodbyes face to face.

 

My wife blew through a stop sign at full speed for no apparent reason and collided with a semi trailer.  She wasn't on her phone, though she did talk to a friend a few minutes before the accident, so we don't believe she fell asleep.  The not knowing how and why it happened really bothered me, so when I finally requested the police report four months later and I found out that pictures were taken I just felt that I had to see them.

 

I didn't do it until around the seven month mark, and I brought along a friend who coincidentally lost a son in a similar way.  I do not regret seeing the pictures one bit, and since they gave me copies I have been able to share them with her family as well (after they decided they wanted to see them).  I still don't know why the accident happened, but I do feel better knowing that I've seen every piece of information related to that horrible day. Heck, I even spent an hour in her car a few weeks after she died, if only to take everything in.  I can't explain why I did it, but I knew I had to.

 

i will echo what others have said and suggest waiting before making the decision because I'm not sure how 'ready' one can be just a few weeks after the accident.  it sounds like you're still torn as to whether or not to view the pictures, and I can only speak for myself but I waited until I was 100% sure it was something I wanted to do.

 

I wish you the best in this decision and for you and your little girl. I'll be praying for you.