Anniversary of death

[alice]

It's hard to believe it has been nearly a year since my husband took his own life. As the one year anniversary of his death approaches, people have asked what I plan to do that day. I was already scheduled to work so I wasn't planning on doing anything differently.  Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries have been tough enough this year and I would rather remember Matt on happier occasions rather than the day he ended his life.  My son was 5 months old at the time and will have no recollection of his father. While he is still too young to understand, some  people have suggested starting a ritual to acknowledge this day in some way,  like releasing a balloon, so that he doesn't feel like we are ignoring the fact that his father is no longer here with us.  For those of you with young children, is there anything that you do or have done to mark the anniversary of your loved one's death which you have found helpful? Have your children ever said, "I wish we would have done xyz?" Thank you in advance.

[Trying]

Just my opinion but maybe a tradition to celebrate DH's birthday instead of marking the anniversary of the day he died would be a more positive thing.  Since your son will have no memories of him you may feel more like sharing memories on a date that holds more positive memories  for you.  There is no right or wrong, you need to do what feels right to you and not feel pressure from those around you. 

[Julester3]

Exactly - there is no wrong or right, just what works for you. Our end of the year of firsts is also coming up and I am letting my kids stay home from school that day and I do not plan to go to work. We simply need to do something diverting. It's too hard to ignore the day so I am going to try distraction to help us get through it. My kids are much older (teenagers).

 

At our grief group, many with really young kids sort of let the day pass by. I think the issue is more present with older kids who have some recall and memory. We can't ignore their feelings or what they remember so we have to try to convert the negative to positive. In our group, some people do the balloons, some people launch paper boats at a local pond, some people plant something in their garden.

[twin_mom]

Mine are not interested in marking the date- they're 14. The first year, they were 10 and were like, hey didn't dad die around this time? I thought this was a good sign that I wasn't letting my distress overflow too much.

We instead mark his birthday. Alone, I mark his diagnosis day, the day we knew the chemo killed him, the day he came home from the hospital because they couldn't do anything else for him, the day he went on hospice, the day he stopped communicating, the day he died.... Yeah, I'm a lot of fun the whole month of August, let me tell you.

[Captains wife]

I'm so sorry. I too lost my DH suddenly (accident) when my son was very young (9 mths). We are now almost 5 years out and doing well, considering....We write a message and put it in a bottle and throw it into the sea on our sadiversary every year, then go sit on his memorial bench (by the water) and talk about him. It is one way to keep the memory alive for my son and its very relatable for him. Then we go and do something "fun".

 

I don't celebrate by DHs birthday, btw, just the day we lost him. I hope this helps. There are also some really good books on talking to children about grief as they are growing up (but still really young) and these helped me immensely. ("Talking to Children About Loss" by Trozzi was one I found useful).

[Adley]

We let the balloons go on her birthday, a week before the death anniversary. The kids tie something to them, a note or something pretty. Year three will be here in a couple weeks and I'll ask if they'd like to do that or something else. Good luck!

[Max2507]

I am coming up on the his 4th birthday since he died and then a month later the death anniversary. On the first birthday we released butterflies and went out to eat. We just make a family dinner of it now. For the death anniversary, not really anything although I did take off from work and just gave my self breathing room. Its hard not to think about it that day. It seems like a physical reaction almost. I also took off for our wedding anniversary.

[alice]

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice. It is greatly appreciated. I think part of my struggle was that we had my husband's remains interred in a memory garden at his childhood church which is several states away. I've decided to have a memorial stone placed in a local garden so that there is a tangible place for my son and I to commemorate his dad's life when he is older, and I will let him take the lead on whether he wants to do anything on the anniversary of his dad's death.

[Guest Lost35]

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