Trying Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I'm sitting in the waiting room while fiancé has a colonoscopy, same waiting room I sat in every year when DH had his annual colonoscopy and where he had multiple procedures when he was dying from cancer. Different doctor but from the same practice and I saw DH's doctor's name on the board for who is here today. I'm fighting a major panic attack as the memories are flooding in. It doesn't help that fiancé is a horrible patient and has been snapping at me since he started his "prep" yesterday. I've worked hard to keep my anxiety from him but now that they took him I'm about to fall apart. This really sucks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I still sort of shudder every time I drive past the hospital building where he died in hospice. Some things can't be unseen. Hoping for you that time passes quickly. Breathe! xoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I hate driving by the various hospitals we visited, I can't imagine having to step inside one of them! Yes, deep cleansing breaths... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 Thanks for understanding. It really was a crappy day. I have always been a natural caregiver but for some reason everything I said or did in the past 2 days has annoyed fiancé to point he really isn't speaking to me. The way I walked, talked, sat, didn't talk, any offers of comfort were wrong. I know he is a terrible patient but not being able to help him and feeling like I made the whole experience worse has really upset me. All I can think is that if he ever gets sick like DH I don't know what we will do. It was hard enough to go through that with someone who appreciated me and who I felt I was providing comfort to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wecouldbeheros Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Why is he snapping at you, he should be grateful you are by his side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 I wish I knew why. The rational me knows that it has nothing to do with me, it's his issue. However the emotional me is hurt and concerned that I can't be a comfort to him like I have been for so many people in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Again, I am so sorry you are feeling hurt. How are things today? I am hoping for you it is a one-off and after things calm down, maybe you can discuss what happened and why. Intimacy is hard. Andy has had to leave for two extended trips and a few short trips; I anticipate at least two more upcoming in the next month or two. I do not handle leave-taking well (neither does my daughter) and while I know and can openly acknowledge that it has to do with the many times my husband was taken to the hospital or hospice and we never knew if he was coming back or not and we were just waiting for that final call to tell us he wasn't coming back, it doesn't matter. In the build up to the day he leaves, I start to brace myself, I pull away, I stop talking. Its this primordial defense mechanism over which I have almost no control. Talking about it, even if it doesn't make it go away, though, has at least normalized it; we both know it is going to happen now so we can manage it better. No one feels as isolated or shut out. Not sure why I'm relaying this but when we've gotten ourselves into those kinds of situations, talking is the one thing that helps, even if sometimes those conversations are difficult to have. Together, you will find a way to work it out. Sending lots of empathy and hoping for a better day today. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pammy Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Having a colonoscopy is a breeze compared to the prep. UGH. I snapped at everyone when I was going through my "prep" time too and I consider myself a pretty amiable patient with regards to medical treatments. Try not to take it too personally Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 Thanks everyone. He apologized today for being such an ass and admits he is an awful patient but still seems to think I should just let it roll of because I know it's not about me personally. That's never going to happen! I told him I'm concerned about what would happen if he was ever really sick, I don't think he really gets it. So I'm glad he apologized but I don't think I can expect any change in the event of future medical events. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calimom Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Knowing your care taking and history of anxiety, this guy owes you a huge apology for allowing you to sit in a waiting room shaking and freaking out. For a 50 year old, a colonoscopy is a predictable rite of passage. All he needed, really, was a ride home, and it sounds like he put you through hell. Sure, he's a "bad patient", but please, he is not sick, he was simply having an unpleasant medical test. I hope you're dong better and it's OK to have a looooong engagement as you sort all this stuff out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 He's not yet 50 and it was not entirely routine so that added to both of our anxiety. We continue to talk about it. The thing that gets me is he went through a big surgery and extended rehab when he was first separated and really hated that he was alone through it all. He told me what a horrible patient he was then but I thought it was because he didn't have a loving caregiver, like me, by his side. He has been very apologetic and I'm trying to let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Here's the thing- there are people who, when experiencing high anxiety, express it in a horrible manner. They don't mean it, and they're actually very happy to have someone there with them, they just don't always know how to express their emotions in a sane manner. My husband had this problem. He had so much gratitude the entire two years I took care of him. He adored the hell out of me. But sometimes his depression or anxiety made him act like a complete and utter asshole towards me and it was very hard not to take it personally. Awareness and willingness to work on the problem did make things more bearable for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Thinking of you, trying, and holding you up in love and light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Bunny you are absolutely right. My LH had debilitating ptsd to begin with, so his reactions were pretty severe and don't represent normal folk....but nevertheless, they exemplified the worst of just what you are describing. Just a horrible human being when his anxiety levels were sky high. I'll never forget driving him to the ER one night and he actually grabbed the steering wheel because he freaked out feeling like I wasn't driving fast enough (to be fair, I wasnt driving fast enough....I was a novice driver at the time) .....scary times. The next time I took him to the ER he was drunk and that was much easier. He was a happy camper lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Thank you, SF. my husband had an unusual, difficult childhood- compared to my relatively calm one. So, in the beginning, I didnt understand his issues. (For example- it seemed silly to think we were gonna wind up living under a bridge any minute. But that was his reality.) I learned to take a step back- view things from his perspective -and then share my own while trying to respect his concerns no matter how irrational they seemed. Both parents had tempers (which he inherited) and sucked at teaching healthy coping skills. He could have benefited from therapy So Much, but the religious cult he was raised in left a lasting distrust of such things. I have resentments towards his parents for their failures and neglect that I'm trying to let go of. He worked on bettering himself always, but life was such a difficult thing for him in many ways. We loved each other deeply, and losing him has been devastating and complicated, but a part of me is happy for him being released from his demons. Sorry for the hijack, Trying. I hope you two are back in calmer waters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Hugs, Bunny. Some of what you shared reminded me of my first husband. He was abusive to me and our son before he died ... eventually I got to a place of being glad he was away from his own demons as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 No hijack at all! Fiancé doesn't have PTSD or an abusive upbringing but obviously has issues regarding medical care. I would like him to get to the root of it for both of our sakes since we are not getting any younger and there is a strong likelyhood of more medical appointments in our future. He has been really trying hard to make it up to me since but while I appreciate he acknowledges it I would rather he work on not letting it happen again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wecouldbeheros Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Communicating to him. Letting him know it's not ok because it caused you distress. If it happens again take yourself to the appointments, and see how fast it stops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 I get it - I take my elderly father to his cardiac appointments, which is very triggering for me. Although a much different relationship, my father is grumpy and unappreciative even on his best days. Despite being told how distressing it can be to be in our shoes, I don't think that others can ever fully understand the impact of what we go through. Wishing better days ahead for you, Trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I will never forget taking care of Big Guy, and he was treating me awful.....I flipped out, said I don't get it...you were down right flirty with the nurses and yet you're treating me like shit!!! His response was priceless ha ha ha...."but woman, I had to be nice, they were wiping my ass...." as I was snapping on the rubber glove to do just that. Needless to say, I might have gotten a little rough, and he saw the light 😂...hugs to you, and hope you're able to work it out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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