Lingering grief issues

[Trying]

I have been seeing a new therapist trying to tackle some issues I'm having regarding motivation, anxiety, and insomnia.  We hadn't been focusing on grief because I thought I had worked through it pretty well on my own and with the time I spent with my previous therapist.  Sure I still miss Tim and some times I get sad but I have worked hard to move forward with the cards I was dealt.

 

Today he brought up grief and the waterworks started.  Maybe it is because my birthday was yesterday and I dreamed about him last night that my emotions were on the surface.  My fiance arranged for me to have dinner alone with my 3 sons last night for my birthday which was the first time the 4 of us have had a meal alone in a long time.  I don't know. He suggested that in my efforts to keep moving forward I may have avoided dealing with my grief.  He also suggested an antidepressant which surprised me. 

 

It's not that I thought I was done with grief or that I ever really would be but he really touched a nerve today and I've been weepy ever since.  I don't want to examine those painful feelings again but do I have to "go there" to deal with these other issues?

 

For those of you further out (I am at 3 1/2 years) do you feel like you still have to actively address your grief?

[Bunny]

Oh god. I am also dealing with motivation, anxiety, and insomnia. This place has been my only therapy but I think I'm finally desperate enough to finally go talk to a grief counselor. As a widow friend of mine said 'It is just getting over the anxiety of actually going to a therapist about talking about the anxiety.' I feel like I've come so far but I'm super reluctant to 'go there' in terms of the pain. It hurt so much for so long. I'm terrified to address any of it but it's affecting my quality of life and relationship.

 

Next month would have been my 20th wedding anniversary and in June it will be 5 years. I tell myself it's these round numbers that are affecting me so greatly, but it's more than that. I remember someone on the other board described trying to get better as 'unfucking myself''. That's what I've been telling myself lately- I just need to figure out how to unfuck myself already.

[Trying]

I think I must be in denial about the ways grief is still affecting me.  Yes, I have 30 pounds to lose and no motivation to do so even though I'm getting married in September.  Yes I have let go of many friendships.  Yes I have too much anxiety to go to church because in that first year people would whisper and point at me and the kids.  Yes I still have days a few times a month that I don't want to leave the house.  But I tend to focus on all of the things I have accomplished, selling our home and buying a new house, going back to school, opening my own business, overseeing renovations on new home, getting engaged.  It looks to,the outside world that I have my shit together.  Only fiancé and my kids see the problem areas because I don't let anyone else in close enough.

[Guest TooSoon]

I've been thinking about some of these same things lately.  I'm completely exhausted from so much stress and anxiety for so long, and I'm also noticing unwelcome hormonal changes that just exacerbate it all. 

 

This year with Andy (and sometimes his daughter) living here have been stressful.  Good in lots of ways but stressful for all of us.  Things didn't work out as we'd hoped vis a vis a permanent life/work situation; we're facing another stressful year with him on the job market but with me being the sole earner now.  It will be fine but we're going to have to make some big changes in how we live due to the loss of income and it is already hard to keep the anxiety at bay - it seems, sometimes, like life is now just a series of constant unknowns.  I do better accepting that on some days than on others.  I do think that, no matter how one approaches "moving forward" or "facing grief,"  there is some kind of cumulative build up of "stuff."  How can there not be after so many years of forging ahead into the unknown, whatever that unknown is, and recovering from the trauma (whatever flavor of trauma each one of us experienced). 

 

Though I probably should, I haven't seen a counselor in a while.  However, in my long history with counseling, I have sometimes sought help for a single issue and told the counselor that I don't want to get mired in rehashing my entire life story.  Rather, I wanted to address one specific problem and if parts of that life story need to be addressed, fine.  Maybe one approach might be to try to compartmentalize or prioritize so that you're not opening up the entire Pandora's box but instead working on specific issues or areas of concern? 

 

I'm sorry you're suffering.  Sending you all my support and empathy. 

[trying2breathe]

Just recently I feel like I should again actively address some of my grief issues.  I'm at a similar timeframe as you, Trying, a bit past 3 1/2 years.  This past year has been relatively tranquil, I think because I've been busy and worked hard to set up a new life and routine.  But for whatever reason lately, there have been several dark days and weepy moments.  In my earliest dark days, there were times when I wouldn't get out of my pajamas.  I've had a few of those days lately.  It's surprising to me that deep grief waves are still coming around this far out, and I wonder why?

[Captains wife]

I'm 5 years out now (almost) and I'm tired of being a widow. By that I mean I too have felt like I have dealt well with the grief but the whole experience/change/single parenting has recently left me exhausted and  unmotivated too - work wise and in my personal relationships. I'm tired of people pitying me too and the awkwardness with my inlaws.  Trying to build a new relationship right now with their crazy ex and situation  etc just feels exhausting. I'm not sure the grief ever really goes away and while I was going through a great patch for a long time, I've recently felt sad and exhausted...and weepy. And it's more noticeable when my life slows down a bit. Just sad about how my son constantly talks about his dad he doesn't remember and feeling somewhat isolated. Usually I try and be upbeat and try to be positive (I am very thankful for what I do have)- but lately I'm not feeling it. Going back to my therapist and lots of self pampering as well as lots of time with my son. I don't feel like I can avoid how I'm feeling so I do think our grief may be underlying other feelings or issues. And it comes out somehow. With all the good that is happening in our lives I think sometimes we think we have left the grief behind but recently I've wondered if it lingers in other ways. Wishing you all the best,

[Trying]

Captains Wife I have always admired your active choice to be positive and have tried with varying success to live that way too.  Early on it was more "fake it until you feel it" and a very active choice to make positive changes and appreciate the good things in my life.  Anger and self pity got in the way initially but I do think over time it became easier.

 

I am also tired of being a widow.  I know it will always be a part of me but I don't want it to be my identity any more.  I'm tired of my kids being the ones without a Dad.  I'm tired of explaining to people I am widowed not divorced.  I'm tired of people judging me based on their bias of how a widow should be living her life.  I'm tired of all of my stories being divided into "before" and "after".  As much as I want to live in the present, my past is and always will be a very big part of me.

 

I have less structured busy time for the first time since Tim died because I have started my own business and it still a little slow.  I think this down time is a big part of my problem, too much time in my own head and too much room to procrastinate getting things done.  I guess I need to acknowledge that grief is still very much a part of me.

[Needytoo]

I am sorry you are feeling this way Trying, but I understand.  I find now I am more in tuned with my emotions more than I ever have in my life and I am also more open to therapy and other wellness options.  I worked hard on my grief issues, and then it just kept opening up other “issues” I have. I will admit I was, so damn determined to go forward and refused to deal with things in the past.  I felt some things should remain as a distant memory. But I took the advice and at first it was utterly horrible but then another brain switch went off, and more things just fit into place.  Can’t say everything is perfect and I am still a work in progress. 

I still have issues with procrastination but also know I do a lot and sometimes I just need to be kind to myself.  I am trying to get off Ativan and sleeping pills, but sometimes I still need it. I am back on Weight Watchers, and the weight loss isn’t happening quickly at all, and I am trying not to get too discouraged on that.  I know you are also into the Wellness Ways, there are Ted talks and books by Brene Brown that have opened me up to a slightly different way of thinking.  Also, I am back receiving Reiki treatments, and wow that stuff is making me a believer. 

Thank you for sharing, I think all of this helps us all.

 

[Lisa]

I'll be 8 years in June. Most days aren't grief  filled. There are triggers now and then. Getting married is a big deal. Keep going to counseling. Maybe you need to try meds. I don't know. I've been on them since 1998 so I was already on meds. Some people need them short term. For me, my brain seems to need them. I find no shame in that.

Take a deep breath. Be gentle with yourself. Best of luck with everything 💕

[TornApart]

Yes. Over 4 years out. The grief still comes. I often think I can't even recall how deep the grief was back at the beginning and then I am immersed in pain again. I know the pain isn't anywhere near the scale of back then but it reminds me. Just every few months. Deep, wracking grief to my core. A friend that was with me on Saturday, a new friend that didn't see me during that time, was so surprised that it was still affecting me. I am so much in control of my new life and look like I am owning it all, but it doesn't mean I am not scarred. We all get so practiced at hiding it, that people can't even conceive that we might still be feeling it. Last week my anxiety swamped me. After over a month of insomnia. I guess that I am surprised how anxious I still get, even though I know I have actively worked with my grief and pain to the point that I thought the general stresses of life couldn't affect me any longer. But they can. The grief is etched so eternally in my soul that it will never be completely erased. But now that I write that, I realise I actually never want it to completely disappeared. I don't want the pain to ever fully go away, because it is an aspect of my love for him. I want him to always be with me, so if that means I have to deal with my grief every few months, I can bear that. I don't ever want to forget. I don't enjoy the pain, but it has so much meaning for me.

So, sorry for the rambling Trying, but yes, at over 4 years out, I still need to actively deal with the grief. Even after some serious hard yards and therapy. And when I get into it, I remember how important it is to truly face the grief and experience the pain. It took me 18 months to really confront the pain and let it flow over me, and I wish I had done it sooner back then. Now I find I have to remind myself how important it is and how much faster it goes when I just face it and don't try to hide from it.

Thank you for your post - I have obviously been dealing with the same things lately.

[fairlanegirl]

I often think I can't even recall how deep the grief was back at the beginning and then I am immersed in pain again. I know the pain isn't anywhere near the scale of back then but it reminds me. Just every few months. Deep, wracking grief to my core.

 

We all get so practiced at hiding it, that people can't even conceive that we might still be feeling it.

 

The grief is etched so eternally in my soul that it will never be completely erased. But now that I write that, I realise I actually never want it to completely disappeared. I don't want the pain to ever fully go away, because it is an aspect of my love for him. I want him to always be with me, so if that means I have to deal with my grief every few months, I can bear that. I don't ever want to forget. I don't enjoy the pain, but it has so much meaning for me.

 

 

All this resonated so much with me at over 6 years, and I did start 'feeling' the grief straight away. Thank you for expressing it so beautifully.

[Sugarbell]

I don't have active grief or lack of motivation..I'm more motivated than ever..and happy.

 

At 9.5 years..no sadness the majority of the time.

 

HOWEVER...like clockwork...Sept 24th..the day he died..it's also my middle sons birthday (and we've had a blow out party every single year for him) and it's ironically also the weekend of the Out Of Darkness Walk for Suicide prevention. I have anxiety/hyperness all weekend because it's hella busy...I'm carrying my hidden secret that it's the day B died..it's the one day I year I still fake it like a rock star.

 

When the day is over...I cry...I really really cry hard...Can't control it. Cry alone in the dark..never wanted the kids to see me cry on that day..cause it's my sons birthday. I will probably cry on that day for the rest of my life...no matter how much I move on.

 

And that's ok.

[hachi]

And that's ok.

 

Yep