Why isn't it okay to have a bad day?

[PhotoJunkie]

This is something I have noticed in my friends and family circle of late (not here).  If I or someone mentions having a bad day, everyone is always "oh it can't be that bad." or "keep positive....it will all turn out for the best."  or any other number of ridiculously keep the faith type comments. 

 

My question is why can't I have a bad day?  This week every day I wake up saying, "Okay today till be better.  Today we will get answers and solutions to the major problems I have been dealing with."  Except that as the day goes one, the news gets darker, bleaker, more expensive, or no answers to the problem at hand.  How many days do I have to keep doing this before Im allowed to just have a damn bad day.  How many days in a row of bad news, negative feelings, problems etc without any real solutions or silver linings does it take before Im allowed to just say fuck it, Im throwing a damn pity party?  How hard is it to answer back to me with "you are having a bad day.  Lets get ice cream?  "  or something like that, instead of the fake positivity of those who don't  have a damn clue what it is like to be me. 

 

I try to keep positive, I really do.  But some days there is no positive.  Im not talking living in negativity and darkness for days, weeks, months etc.  Just one day can I be allowed to feel the bad day and the pressure without forcing myself to fight it and "think positive"?? 

 

Vent over.  Thanks for listening

 

 

[Lmsmdm]

Yes we are allowed to have bad days!!!!!! Big hugs to you!!! I point blank tell people I am having a bad day, that I will get over it, and walk away.

 

I remember one particularly bad day, I yelled at my mother "Jesus, just for once can I have a bad day without you trying to make me better!!!!"

 

Of course I felt like an ass afterwards, but for that fleeting moment it sure felt good.

[Captains wife]

I agree ! And sorry you are having a bad day....sometimes I think we should just allow ourselves to feel bad once in a while. We have all been through a lot and its not natural to be positive ALL THE TIME.

 

I was also having a bad week - little sleep as 4 year old getting up in the middle of the night, was sick, problems with late husband's estate, problems with house etc etc and I just felt awful. Sat in my car on the way home Monday and just cried and felt like going to bed for 2 days. But people around me (including guy am dating) are, like, well, "its a nice day, spring is here ! That's good". And, yes, that's good but it also reminds me my 3 year sadiversary is coming in May and I still feel overwhelmed by everything I have to deal with. So I too want to just feel bad and have a bad day !

 

Hope the week gets better for you.....

[Guest Questions]

I totally get what you're saying.

 

I noticed it when DH got sick how people left us in droves. & I had people trying to guilt & blame me if I showed any signs of sadness after he died. To the point that we became estranged.

My SIL (who was staying with me during DH's memorial) even called me rude because I cried after the service reading the condolence cards. "You read those cards knowing it would make you sad!"

she yelled as if I'd committed some heinous crime & I was like wtf?? What do you want me to do, sing & dance for you? I don't feel like it. I just essentially buried my husband!

 

But you know, there are two sides to every coin & together they form a whole.

Happiness/sadness. Can't know one without the other & isn't life like that? It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of..

 

I learned over time to allow myself to feel however I needed to & if someone had a problem with it they could just take a rain check. I'm not a trained monkey.

 

You have my permission to be human & have a bad day!.. 

(((hugs)))

[Trying]

I have learned to keep my pity parties to myself because some times I really need to just wallow in the bad and not be cheered up or told how to fix my problems.  If I really want someone to tell me that they understand, I come here to vent.  No one in my real life can just listen and offer me ice cream either. 

 

I'm sorry you're having a bad week.

[canadiangirl]

Hi PJ, I hope you give yourself permission to just go ahead and have a bad day.  There is currently a real cultural issue in North America with "positive thinking" --people equate positive with morally correct/good and think that positive thinking cures all evils.  I think that's why people are constantly under pressure to put on a happy face (that, and of course it is not super fun to be around someone who is sad, and sad widow(er)s in particular remind people of their mortality).  It is the topic of an interesting book from 2009 by Barbara Ehrenreich called "Bright-Sided:  How The Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America."  I read the chapter on "Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer" with interest - it talks of patients being so pressured into positive thinking that it becomes a form of victim blaming- like if a person was not hopeful or positive enough, s/he was going to succumb to cancer.  That's how much crazy pressure there is to be "positive".  At least in 2009, there was no science correlating positive thinking and cancer outcomes.  I think it's a societal thing, and for me it is very exhausting, adding more pressure on the bereaved, when it probably is better for one's health to just wallow in it from time to time.  I remember someone here commenting that s/he had noticed that those who really dove into their grief in the earlier months seemed to progress faster and there may be something to that, in my opinion.  ((Photojunkie))

[Guest TooSoon]

Embrace the bad day.  I had bad days when Scott was alive.  Lots of them, especially during the year of nursing the baby while working full time while preparing a tenure case and adjusting to being a mother. 

 

I'm on my last $%^&* nerve with my students right now.  They skip class, they miss tests, they come up with all manner of excuses and have been parading into my office like lost sheep with two weeks left in the semester to go and only now are they groveling and trying to negotiate for a higher grade (I have about 250 students a semester so it is some parade).  Um, no.  I'm not sure I'm having a bad day in as much as I've had enough.

 

My aunt, whose husband recently died (at age 80) has been really hard on me.  "You have it better than most people."  "What do you mean you HIRE someone to shovel your snow?  Can't you pick up a shovel?"  And I loved it when my mother's next door neighbor said to me the other day, "You have such nice white teeth."  And before I could even say thank you, my mother cut me off and said, "Have you made a dentist appointment for M yet?"  The next day my mother said, "Does anyone ask you why your skin looks like that?"  and I said, "Only you, Mom."  What the eff?!  All of this from two women who don't have careers, who may have run households but not while making all of the money, too - I mean fine and I respect them and all women and men who make other choices, but that's not my reality. 

 

Some days just suck.  They just downright suck.  Yesterday my kid had a 103 temperature at school, my absurdly obese cat needed surgery and I had a migraine (thank you mid-life hormones)....it was all a bit much.  And it downright sucks that there is no one here to cushion that for us, to deflect those feelings and change the subject or tell us yes, that sucks.  Or what can I doto make things easier for YOU? (no one ever asks what I might need; only what my daughter needs).  I don't have the answers but I get it and it is not a pity party and it is not exclusively because we're widowed; it is because sometimes, things just suck. 

 

Solidarity and hugs and sorry for the rant.

[Guest Questions]

I had to post a link to this.

George Carlin- "Have a nice day"

 

[lcoxwell]

Every single person on the planet has bad days. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a complete fool, or lying. You are absolutely allowed to have bad days. We get that, even if no one else in your life does. Sometimes, life just plain sucks. Sometimes, there are no answers, or at least none that are easy. Sometimes, no amount of "everything will turn out roses and sunshine" pep talks can erase the fact that you are struggling with very real problems. So go ahead and give yourself permission to have a bad day, though I am sorry you are struggling and that you need to have one.

[PhotoJunkie]

Im just overwhelmed with everything going on.  There isn't anything anyone can do to help either so its not like I can ask for relief from the pressure.  Im trying to move to be with my daughter.  having major issues with my sister and her husband in this regard.  Had a family counseling session last week that to me didn't help anything and Ive been in a bad place since. 

 

The movers were supposed to be here Monday to get most of my belongings out of here.  They cancelled two hours after they were supposed to be here.  The house is in absolute Chaos and I can't do anything until all this stuff is out and can see what is left.  I don't live well in chaos and there is no end to it.

 

Ive had more strangers in my home, looking at my things than I am comfortable with.  To the point of panic attacks, which is completely stupid but yet here I am.  There is no end to it as the movers will be coming at some point and they will actually touch my stuff  

 

The house was supposed to be on the market this week but because of the movers, we have no hope of getting it on the market this week, and the pest inspection found that my porch is rotted (nobody can figure out why my pest inspection didn't find it as they all believe this is a long term problem and was there before I bought it) and before anyone asks no there is no recourse that we can find.  Not that I have time to look.  So the entire front porch has to be replaced before I can sell.  Per the county assessors office the square footage is off and we had to have them come out and officially measure, which they did, and Im now 350 sq feet smaller than when I purchased. 

 

My sister took my daughter prom dress shopping this week and nobody thought to include me, even though I specifically asked to be included.  My daughter has never been to prom much less wanted to wear a dress.  I wanted to be a small part of that but I was forgotten. 

 

And all this comes with that stupid thought in the back of my head that if he wasn't dead, I wouldn't be here right now.  I wouldn't be dealing with all this crap, my sister wouldn't have my child and so forth and so on.  For the first time in three years Im going to admit that yes I do need a man sometimes.  Much as I love snuggling with my Wid friends in chat ,  a real man is much better   I just need one of those big manly hug things to reset.  Does anyone know if Jon Bon Jovi is available for kidnapping and cuddling?  I promise to return him

[ATJ]

If I or someone mentions having a bad day, everyone is always "oh it can't be that bad." or "keep positive....it will all turn out for the best." 

My question is why can't I have a bad day?

 

How many days in a row of bad news, negative feelings, problems etc without any real solutions or silver linings does it take before Im allowed to just say fuck it, Im throwing a damn pity party?

 

 

 

 

 

((PhotoJunkie))

 

I hear you!! By nature I am a positive thinker, which greatly helped me during the years of my husband's cancer battle. HOWEVER, when he was in the middle of deep physical pain, I did not tell him to "be positive", or "tomorrow will be a better day".  Instead, I did whatever I could to help and otherwise would just quietly be near him - hold his hand, or lie next to him to let him know that he was not alone, and that he did not have to hide his pain. Encouragement I gave later when the pain had somewhat subsided.

 

The same should be true of our emotional wounds and pain, only people can't see them. So it's EASY for them to spew platitudes instead of lending practical or silent support.

 

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."

 

~~ Henri Nouwen

 

"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. - Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together."

 

~~ Dinah Craik

 

Our society has been inculcated by the proliferation of 'self-help gurus' and brainwashed through a growing assortment of pop psychologists that all negative feelings we experience have to be banished, expunged or at least sanitized. There is a tacit or not so subtle rebuke if we express our true feelings. Does ANYONE ever truly mean it when they ask "How are You"? It's rhetorical, insincere and meaningless, and I detest all insincerity!

 

And how I HATE that expression "Pity Party".  -  Reason: It implies a chronic, negative behavior pattern - an excessive, endless complaining about trivial matters and whining about it ad nauseam. - Yes, there are indeed chronic malcontents in life, but that's not what we are talking about here. THEY belong into a therapist's office.

 

People should not have to listen to a stupidly grinning, baton twirling cheerleading team when they are in emotional overload or distress. Would anyone treat an ICU patient that way?? We have been pretty much taught that physical agony is acceptable to express, but emotional pain and distress are taboo and to be quelled instantly, or one becomes 'persona non grata'.

 

Message to the world:  I have a certain hand gesture for you in response! ;D Wait until it's YOUR turn, and let's see if you STILL feel so sanguine about it!

 

So there! YOU are allowed to fully express your bad day feelings to THIS reader and have a rant, without any rebuke!

 

Wishing you well and hoping that the dark clouds will part soon!

 

ATJ

 

 

[smabify]

Wanna get some ice cream and kick some dragons?

 

Life sucks.  Wallow, sit in bed and eat chocolates, and tell everyone else to suck it.  Life is hard!  Why shouldn't you get your day?

 

[me=smabify]kicks everyone[/me]

[Baylee627]

Hi PJ, I hope you give yourself permission to just go ahead and have a bad day.  There is currently a real cultural issue in North America with "positive thinking" --people equate positive with morally correct/good and think that positive thinking cures all evils.  I think that's why people are constantly under pressure to put on a happy face (that, and of course it is not super fun to be around someone who is sad, and sad widow(er)s in particular remind people of their own mortality.

 

Ain't this the gospel truth? I get so wearied of having it inumerated to me the various ways in which life could be *so much worse* when I'm weathering a bad day, or as I have termed them: yucky lil wid days. As if I'm going to somehow experience an illumination, and deem this wid gig merely a blip on my radar because it doesn't rate as highly on someone else's tragedy barometer...

 

Riigghht.

 

Baylee