Can we talk about guilt?

[Trying]

Guilt is something I struggle with still, although definitely less than in the first year.  Not so much guilt that I could've done anything to prevent his death because I don't believe there was.  I have felt guilt that it was him and not me because I think in some ways our boys would've handled it better if it was me.  Guilt that I'm not doing a better job with the kids and the house. Guilt that I didn't insist harder that we work on the problems in our marriage when he was alive.  Guilt that I've fallen in love with another man.

 

 

[Brenda]

Plenty of guilt here.  Not over how she died - I had no control over the disease whatsoever (although I do feel like I froze at the very end and I could have spared her from such an unpleasant moment of departure, but that's another story); no, I feel lots of guilt about the stupid stuff we bickered over while we were both healthy and alive.  The dumb arguments that I caused.  The idiotic things I did that caused her so much emotional pain.  I can't say I was the nicest person.  I used to think that we'd have the rest of our lives to make up, to deal with the past, to get over this stuff and to focus on simply loving each other like I think we did.  Turns out I was wrong and those few peaceful, wonderful decades of the future we had looked forward to were nothing but an illusion.  So yeah, guilt over making her short life a fucking miserable existence at times.  She could have done far better than me.

 

Getting over it?  I want to.  Despite the guilty feelings, I can't help think that she would in no way want me to live as a guilt-ridden wreck for the rest of my life.  She would want me to (try to) be happy for the children, for the family, to (try to) enjoy the time I have left.  I'm certain that she would never want me to spend the rest of my life in penance.  If I've learned my lesson, even at her expense, I've become a better person who can pass that on to others.

[JacklessSally]

I just talked to my therapist about this on Friday.

 

The day he was killed, Blaine called me to tell me what medication they were going to prescribe him. It is a substance that should not be prescribed to people with a previous drug history. A few days before we had gotten into a argument about how he needed to stop taking nights off at work, and then taking his lack of funds out on me. So that night I didn't even think to tell him to stay home. I let him be hard headed and go to work. He messaged me telling me he didn't like how he felt.. I should have made him come home then. His last message to me was at 6:45pm, he told me he was sorry because he thought I was mad at him... He was hit at 7:02.

 

I should have made him stay home, or I should have driven his deliveries.. He shouldn't have died alone.