Stuck with indecision

[Trying]

I am starting to feel that in some ways I am moving beyond active grieving yet I don't seem to be able to make any decisions about what I should be doing or where I should be going.  I realize that I have had DH by my side for every major decision I have made since I was 20 and I need to learn to trust myself to make these decisions on my own. 

 

I want to make a career change yet I can't seem to decide what exactly I want to do.

 

I want to sell my house yet I can't figure out when would be best time or what exactly I am looking for in a new house.

 

I want to  make my health and fitness a priority but my commitment is inconsistent.

 

Many of you have made major life changes that I am in awe of.  What did it take to make that leap?

How do you get past the fear of change or in making a mistake?  Has anyone used a life coach or other type of advisor with success?

[Wheelerswife]

When I made big decisions in my life, I felt like my choices were just right.  I think, though, that it was easier because my decisions didn't affect anyone else.  I'm contemplating future decisions right now as well, but for the moment, it seems pretty clear that the timing isn't right to make any changes yet.  So...for now, I keep envisioning the aspects of the change that I'd like to see.  Those remain vague.  For instance, I like small town living.  I'd like greater access to more populated areas, but I don't want to be so close that I'm caught in traffic all the time.  I'd like to live somewhere closer to mountains or lakes or the ocean.  I'd like to get a job at a smaller college or university. Since I'm not ready to move anywhere, it helps that I'm okay staying in the hypothetical for now.

 

Maybe you can create the image of what you want without many specifics?  That might help you define what you really want. 

 

I left the same profession that you are in.  It wasn't hard to leave after 26 years, although I'd never envisioned that change.  It was definitely trickier to figure out what I wanted to do next.  That took me about 4 years to figure out!  I know you don't feel satisfied right now, but it does earn a good living and it pays the bills.  Maybe look to a local university career advisement office?

 

Good luck, old colleague!

 

Maureen

 

 

[Needytoo]

I totally understand this.  I still have some things that for some reason I procrastinate or just can't make up my mind about it.  It is so frustrating, but then I look back at how I use to be and there is progression. 

 

I am starting to look elsewhere for employment (current job is just contract) and I might have to relocate.  Part of me is excited and the other part is totally terrified.  I did change careers in my early forties, this was before my husband's passing.  It took me two years to figure out what I wanted to do before I grew up.  There is so much out there.  I went from being a veterinary technologist to working at a college in the chemistry field.  I had no idea I could do it. 

 

Maybe start going to open houses and see what you like in homes. 

 

I am trying to get back into exercise as well and having a really hard time. 

 

 

[Trying]

Maureen, you are an inspiration to me with the way you picked up, moved, quit your career, went back to school.  The fact that it felt right and you took that leap is amazing to me.

 

Needytoo, good luck with your job search, hopefully this will bring you a wonderful new opportunity! 

 

I think I use my kids as an excuse to not make changes.  There's a masters program I've been looking into but it would mean I would miss several of my sons football games in the fall and it's his senior year.  I've been looking at houses for months but can argue that a move would be too hard on the kids and talk myself out of anything.

 

I never really was a risk taker.  DH took the risks and I would be the practical one who would put the breaks on when the risk was too high.  I have to learn to take chances, to dream, to challange myself.

But at 46 (gasp!) how do I break free from the role I lived for so long?

[Wheelerswife]

D,

It was a huge risk in many ways to pick up and leave the life I'd known, but really, my life had drastically changed.  Things didn't happen all at once, either.  I didn't intend to leave my career when I moved.  I just never followed through on getting my license and that pretty much told me that I didn't want to do it anymore.  The biggest risk was letting go of control and letting John support me in the years-long transition to a new career.  I've definitely taken that slowly, but I had a lot of fun in the time that John and I were together, too. 

 

Because of the nature of your career and the demand for workers, you can always find work - be it full time, part time or per diem.  If you don't get so far away from the profession (like I have done) you can always go back.

 

I broke free at 48.  If you think you want to make a change...make just one step.  Try a college class..even online.

 

Maureen

[Mizpah]

I moved at five months (because I had to - couldn't afford our apartment without him).  I changed jobs twice (first within my organization because an appropriate opportunity for upward movement arose, and then because I had to move far away - more on that in a moment).  I got pregnant (not planned).  I moved hundreds of miles (to be with the father, as I didn't want to raise the baby alone and we were in love).  I changed jobs, bought a car, had a baby, left all of my friends behind.  Totally new life, very challenging.  Almost none of this was a result of planning or big decisions.  I took things as they came.  I agree that it's step-by-step.  Most things aren't big decisions, but a bunch of gradual, little ones.  Maybe you should just start looking at houses even if you don't know what you're looking for - you'll find out what you are and aren't looking for by looking at them.  Do you have any friends or family members who also want to get healthy?  It really helps to have a partner - increases accountability.  Or get an app - myfitnesspal is great.  Or keep a food and activity journal.  Or get a fitbit.  As for career - network?  Talk to people who've changed careers, pick their brains?

 

(As for what it took, perhaps insanity.  Did I fear I was making the wrong decisions?  Absolutely.  I was always 50/50 on each one of them, and still am.  And as for an advisor, I went to therapy weekly, and highly advise it to any and all people.)

[Guest Mel4072]

Trying,

I use my kids as an excuse too. I have a 16 year old daughter and every decision I make affects her. I'm very careful. I've made many HUGE decisions. Staying in my house with less than half the income, teaching her to drive, getting her a psycho dog, dating, and many others. Each one affects her and puts me on edge.

I've done some other things too that wouldn't have happened if her Dad were still here. I've taken her zip lining, took her to Disney Land, I'm taking her to New York in June. Those things wouldn't have happened. Big decisions. Sometimes, I make mistakes. It's ok.

If I didn't have my daughter, I probably would've already moved in with my boyfriend, sold my house, changed jobs... But the reality is that I DO take the time to think and because of it, she is comfortable with me raising her. (She doesn't always like me, but she loves me.)

I bet it's pretty similar for you.

Yes, I've wanted a different job for 4 years and I'm still waiting for the opportunity to take.

[Mancino]

I'm right there with you, Trying.  I have suffered with chronic indecision all of my life.  I was always in awe of how my husband could weigh pros and cons and make a decision so easily when I would fret about the most minor things for days/weeks/months.    (I remember how he used to groan whenever we were in a restaurant that had a big menu...he knew I would be sweating over trying to decide what to eat, LOL)

 

I really want to move away.  I've got stuff to get rid of, but I don't know where to start or what to do with it.  I need to sell the condo, but I can't decide when or how to do it.  I want to move out of state, but I can't decide where to go, or if I even have the nerve to move somewhere where I don't know anybody else.    Since I have trouble deciding about a meal, trying to make these big ticket decisions are just overwhelming to me.  Meanwhile, 5+ years have ticked by.  Oh how I would love if someone would just come in and tell me what to do.

 

It's just me here, so my nonstop hamster-wheeling doesn't affect anyone else.  But being alone also doesn't help light a fire under my behind to get moving in some direction (any direction!) and I'm getting frustrated with myself.  Sigh!

 

 

[calimom]

I've made a number of big decisions in my widowed life:  the first one was moving at two months out.  I couldn't really afford our house; it made sense to move to a less expensive area and be near my relatives.  My family and friends micro managed every detail, which was good as I was in no clear space to even decide on what color to paint the walls.  7 years later, still in this house, which is not perfect, but does seem to suit our needs.

 

At 18 months, I made an impulsive decision to buy a business basically at the spur of the moment.  It felt right, for me, for the seller, for the clients, and for our family life.  No regrets.  About a year ago, I was faced with a a very appealing job offer.  I bounced it around, asked everyone close to me what they thought, and decided against it because of the time constraints.  The money would have been nice, but overall the whole thing wouldn't have worked.

 

Also last year, I took my ailing car  (the one my stepfather helped me buy to replace the one totaled in my husband's fatal crash: for another round of repairs.  At the shop, there was a gorgeous Volvo wagon on consignment.  I phoned the owner, it turned out she was a recent widow and didn't need the extra car.  I made the decision then and there to buy it, it felt right, she met me to sign the paperwork.  My family, who normally would have been consulted, were bemused but supportive.

 

I guess what I am saying, from my own experience, is that some decisions work and some don't.  Some need lots of research and some just need to be made head on, devil may care.  Start small, break down the pros and cons.  With exercise, there really isn't a downside.  Maybe pick something you'd like to do and just do it, like the old Nike ads used to say?  I swim usually 3 times a week, and take the kids and whoever else wants to join for a hike on Sunday mornings.  A few months ago, I wanted to get back into yoga, which I'd once practiced regularly, and signed up for (and paid in advance) for an 8 week course.  Once I'd committed, there didn't seem to be any reason not to go, and I felt better for it.

 

We all weave around and hem and haw, which is natural, but there are few decisions that can't be undone.  If you're dissatisfied with your current work, and want to return to school, that seems like a pretty positive goal.  Good for you, and good luck.  You can do this!

[Trying]

Mizpah and Calimom I am so impressed with the major decisions and life changes you were both able to make. 

Mancino, I think some of us were born over thinkers. When a decision really needs to be made I can do with some confidence but when it's about me and what will make me happy or more full filled I get wishy washy.  My current job pays the bills, is flexible for raising kids  and something I should be proud of. I can afford to stay in my house a few more years so I'm not being forced to decide anything now.  I almost wish there was some external pressure on me to make changes.

 

I am keeping an eye on every new listing in our town so if the right house comes on the market it will spur me to get this one ready to sell quickly. 

 

As far as career changes, I am looking for a new challenge and more job satisfaction.  The thought of going back to school and taking time away from my kids feels so selfish and the direction I'm thinking of going would not bring in more income most likely.  So is it really worth pursuing?

 

I guess I'm looking to feel passionate about something, to find that fire.  Something to make me want to jump out of bed and embrace each day. Something that I requires me to think and learn instead of just living on autopilot.

 

 

[lcoxwell]

I guess I'm looking to feel passionate about something, to find that fire.  Something to make me want to jump out of bed and embrace each day. Something that I requires me to think and learn instead of just living on autopilot.

 

This is exactly how I feel, right now. In the grand scheme of things, considering all I have been through in the last few years, I am doing as well as could be expected. I have a decent job, and surviving on autopilot is getting me through my days, but I want more than that for my life.

[Jen]

I guess I'm looking to feel passionate about something, to find that fire.  Something to make me want to jump out of bed and embrace each day. Something that I requires me to think and learn instead of just living on autopilot.

 

This is exactly how I feel, right now. In the grand scheme of things, considering all I have been through in the last few years, I am doing as well as could be expected. I have a decent job, and surviving on autopilot is getting me through my days, but I want more than that for my life.

 

Much as I hate to quote a quote, I can't say it any better. This is me as well. By and large, I'm *okay*. But okay is not great, it's a bleak, grey existence, and I just can't face that for the next 30 or 40 years. I want to live again. I just don't know how.