The downside of my wife being my best friend

[Brenda]

After she died, I became hopelessly lonely.  We were each other's best friends, and the downside is that now she's gone, I have very few people around (like none) I would actually consider my friends.  My wife was the person I wanted to spend my time with, and I did just that instead of hanging around with college friends or work friends.  But now, there's nobody I can call, nobody I can talk to, nobody who I can possibly rely upon to even try to help plug the massive hole she left in my life.  I just didn't ever put any effort into building good friendships outside my marriage.

 

I'm not even sure I know how to make friends, it's been so long since I needed to even try.  Really wish I had one or two good friends before I needed them.

[Jen]

(((Brenda)))) I could've written this same post, just substituted my Jim's name. I have no idea how to socialize-- I never had to, I never wanted to. I don't really want to now... but the thought of spending the rest of my life alone is unbearable. I have no clue what to do, none at all. I have this community and a few dear souls who've supported me this far, but they all live in the computer. Sometimes I wonder if it's actually possible to die of loneliness...

 

 

[WifeLess]

Brenda,

 

For decades, my deceased wife had been my best friend and nearly only friend who lived nearby. So immediately after her death, I felt pretty much totally alone in the universe. I previously described my first year of widowhood this way:

 

I know what ALONE really means.

 

I spent nearly every night for more than a year completely ALONE in my home with no other living being's presence. No children since I have none; no parents since they're long gone; no siblings or old friends since they live hundreds of miles away and I haven't seen them in many months, perhaps years; no pets since I don't have any. And during that entire year, I stayed overnight with no one, and no one stayed with me.

 

For most of that time, I received perhaps 2 or 3 personal phone calls per week. Not per day, per week. About that many emails/texts as well. Almost no conversation ever took place here, and no voices were ever heard, not even from the radio or TV since I had no interest in turning them on. Though my head was filled with many thoughts about life, death, my wife, loss, grief, etc., as well as about everyday events, big and small, those thoughts seldom needed to be formulated into words and voiced since no one would ever hear them.

 

So I spent virtually every evening for more than a year completely ALONE in my home and in its total unrelenting silence. And long after the loneliness passed since I got used to it, this ALONENESS continued. Finally, after about 13 months, for the first time a widowed friend stayed a few nights at my place.

 

I now know what ALONE really means.

 

But the good news is that I did eventually return to the land of the living, gradually forming many new friendships with fellow widows and widowers. Fortunately, my life has changed greatly from those early lonely days.

 

--- WifeLess

[gracelet]

Brenda,

 

I had friends, but those friends blamed me for Elle's suicide, so overnight I was shut out. I know a lot of us find our friendship groups shift after being widowed, but my shift came about through actively, willingly being abandoned.

 

Like Wifeless, I was lucky if I got a few phone calls. It's actually only ever my mother or the bank that calls me even now.

 

Do you have any loose acquaintances? Do you work? This was my route to meeting new people. I figured I had nothing to lose so I dropped a couple of notes to people I didn't know very well and asked if they'd like to go for coffee. I looked through the near strangers who had sent messages of sympathy and decided to get in touch with a few of them. Only a handful have blossomed into friendships but, my goodness, what special friendships they are.

 

On the work front, I'd stay behind if someone ever asked if anybody wanted to go for a drink after work. I found there was a band so I joined that as a singer. I guess it depends on the size of your organisation but mine had a few options. Does yours offer Ny opportunities?

 

I can't stress how important it is to meet other wids. It's worth the long drive or journey. You must actively seek these out though so check in on our widowbago section of the board. I'm fortunate in that I live in London and within a couple of weeks here I met another london widow on the board. She's been invaluable and we've been crazy together. I also facetime a lot with MissingSquish and text a few of the others. That's a good half way point. There are also things like Camp Widow - not everybody's cup of tea but very good for people who have been isolated in the middle of nowhere and need some structured support for a few days. Google it,

 

Hope that sparks some ideas.

 

 

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, Brenda. I really can relate to this post. T was an incredible best friend - we started out that way before growing into a romantic relationship as well. I am so lonely without his company - somedays, like yesterday, are still almost unbearable. The friends who did reach out to me after T died have since moved on. It seems like when I hit the year mark, they were just tired of my still being sad. They missed the old me who only resurfaces fleetingly in bits and pieces. I  was really hurt at first, but I understand. I miss that me a lot, too. Given that I'm pretty sure I'll never return to that person they expect and apparently need, I think new friendships will be important. I have made a few wonderful widow friends through these forums, but no one local to me to just meet up with for a coffee, etc..

 

I wish I could offer concrete suggestions rather than just understanding and hugs. I feel like I was so blessed to have T who so completely filled my life. Unfortunately, that has made the vacuum he left with his passing much harder.

[the_master]

I seem to have a tiny advantage, in this area. I had pretty much shut people out of my life, before I had even met Wanda. I am very used to being alone and I am quite comfortable with it, on the whole. Before we met, I would get lonely, maybe once a month or 2, but normally, I was ok.

 

Now, I miss HER. I don't miss company or talking to "people."

 

Only HER... I have a few options for talking, though. Here, DS, facebook, and her family & her best friend. They have not abandoned me.

 

My family and friends haven't, either, but they are harder to talk to. Oddly enough, I am more comfortable talking to the few others that feel the horror as much as I do, if not worse (her parents).

[Mizpah]

I'm four years out (today, actually), and my baby daddy is a widower.  He was in the exact same position, and I think it's quite common for men.  He was showered with female attention, but it was all with an agenda.  I ended up being his closest friend, and I didn't even know him before he was widowed - he was working on my mom's apartment and so I reached out to him to pay forward the YWBB support I got.  We texted for months, and that was his main grief support system - we got together later - I swear (I had no agenda, he initiated!!!  I'm innocent!).  I say use the $h!t out of the people who are available to you here.  I still lean on my widow friends from YWBB from my same timeline, daily.  It really doesn't substitute for real life friends/community, but it help gets you through.  Maybe now is a good time to reconnect with old friends, or co-workers?  Thinking of you. 

[Brenda]

Giant hugs back at everyone here, which is turning out to be a lifeline.  I always thought it somewhat weird to have "online" friends, but you're all becoming rather helpful in getting through some of the difficult times.  Time for me to rethink the idea that contact has to be old-fashioned to be worthwhile, because I honestly get more out of my visits to this site that I would have got from visiting half of the people I once knew in real life before my wife passed away.

 

That said, I've got to get out and meet people at some point, although I'm in the process of moving house and kinda don't want to put much effort into forming new relationships only to have them lost immediately when I relocate.  But once I'm settled down in a new location, I guess it's time to figure out where other young widows and widowers congregate and make myself known to them.  I imagine that they're the only people who won't think I'm absolutely crazy and who will understand what we're all going through.

[linda5]

My husband was my best friend also.  Luckily, I still had friends, but I truly preferred his company over anyone else's.  Now that he's gone, I want to warn my daughters not to make their spouse (one engaged) everything to them.  I want them to keep a little piece of their self and not share it.  I know that sounds selfish, but the pain I experienced when my husband died was awful.  I wondered if I could have coped better if he wasn't everything to me.

[BrokenHeart2]

Couldn't agree more Linda5. DH used to always say get out and find something for you.  I wished I had listened to him.  I was too busy and tired.

[keeptrying]

I had no desire for friends. I enjoyed my husband every minute I can spend time with him. We have a bunch of kids and we never had time or wanted time for friends. Never had a babysitter and were so happy doing things as a family. We were always out doing things. I would try to get him to go out with family and he said I would rather spend any time I have with you and the kids. He is all I wanted, all I needed. I always thought I would have him by my side and not want or need anything else. I am alone now. I go between thinking that not having friends is a good thing, or maybe a bad thing. A good thing because people can't understand or related to what I had in my relationship and what I lost. A bad thing because my heart aches so much. He was my everything. I wish I had someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. But then I think, that may be uncomfortable, because it isn't coming from him. I don't have time for friends and to be honest, I don't even know where I would even find them. I don't even know if I can relate to people on the outside to be honest. I was a wife and a mother, happily living a dream. I would thank my husband all the time for making that real. I am thinking it may be better I didn't have friends until I figure out a way to just keep moving forward.