Guest Lost35 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 It will be seven years in November. My little guy is almost six. I've been staying home and taking care of him, the animals and renovating a couple houses to keep busy. About four years ago, a shop-owner asked me out after we had chatted a few times. I told him I couldn't date, but he was welcome to come over for dinner. We spent some time together, never dating, and then it ended. About a year later, I met someone online and tried to see if that was going to work, but I just couldn't date with a toddler and he wasn't an honest person, so in the end, that didn't work out either. Other than that, it's been just the two of us. I have a really good friend who I don't see too often. She is one of the most understanding people in my life. We were at the movie theater with our little ones not too long ago and she leaned in and asked me if I have, "still sworn off men." I'm still thinking about this. I don't think I've sworn off anything. There is just no great long line of eligible men in the circles I tend to inhabit. Most or all are married themselves. I'm not out searching, as I think I'll just end up "finding" someone who, while maybe a good enough match, is not perfect for me in the way I've known before. I would love to be loved again. I would love more life in the house. I've not sworn off any of that, surely. It was such a funny question. Just thought I would share it here and maybe get some feedback... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I am always in awe of all of you who walk this road with children. As for the question, you probably in the throws of grief, or just after the liar stated you were done, and that was it, no more men. She believed you. Maybe she has someone in mind, and was feeling you out? I have no real advise, as while I am currently involved, lately I have been thinking that maybe I'm better off alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I don't recall saying anything that would have suggested I felt one way or another, though it's been so long, I just don't remember. I don't think I would have said I was done with men as that one poor experience was just that. I know I did say no more online attempts and still feel the same. Ah well, for some reason it has me thinking, and that must mean something... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Ah well, for some reason it has me thinking, and that must mean something... Tall, helpful neighbor? : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I'm thinking it means when the right one comes along in the right time you will know it. Yeah, what's happening with that tall helpful neighbor. I'm thinking you need a bit of help around the house . Trust when the time is right it will happen. Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I told him I couldn't date... ...I just couldn't date with a toddler I'm not sure what your reasons were for not being able to date at these times - and they really don't matter - but I'm wondering if since you've expressed it twice in one post maybe you've done so more than that in your everyday conversations, and that's where your friend got the idea that you've sworn off men? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Tall helpful neighbour remains a bit of a mystery. I'm trying to avoid becoming "creepy lonely widow neighbour". Ha. With my little guy in school, I can at least be free to meet for lunch, and there are times when I'm out and about town on my own, so perhaps I just need to look up every now and then? Geez, I feel guilty even writing this. I still have a way to go, I guess. It seems seven years is long enough that I should be able to start thinking about things. When did I become such a hermit?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Strange - some folks think because you don't happen to have anyone that you must have 'sworn off' men/women - as if it were that easy! But your friend sounds more understanding than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Sometimes it can just be a vibe you give off, not anything you said in particular. If you are thinking you might be ready to think about dating then your vibe will change slowly. Start with some innocent flirting with men you see in your every day life. Random guy at the grocery store, guy working at the hardware store. Just subtle, not suggestive or creepy, smile and make eye contact with some flirty chatter. Start to notice men. See how it feels look at men in a different way. See how that makes you feel, does it wake up that part of you that reminds you that you are a woman with natural desires to connect with someone. If yes, then maybe you are ready to start casually dating. I think your friend means well and it sounds like she got you thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 People seem curious when we aren't out to meet another mate...especially people who are coupled. It sounds as though you had such a sweet marriage and love so that must be hard to think will be replicated in some other form. I started dating again when my son was 14 months old out of pure loneliness and admittedly I have had a number of disaster relationships - which tells me I jumped in too soon. For you, it seems that you haven't been rushing to meet someone - and that is perfectly understandable after losing your husband suddenly + having to raise a small child on your own. But it doesn't mean you have sworn off men : ) you just want to meet one on your own terms. Honestly, online dating really opens up a lot of possibilities but it is difficult, exhausting and you can meet a lot of nut jobs. Maybe join a few hobby type groups (i.e. through Meetup.com) for some more socialization ? I have met a number of male friends that way (sailing, wine tasting etc.) and have been asked out a number of times through these groups as well. I really enjoy the group type meet ups as the groups I joined were not dating groups but do happen to have a lot of single members. I am trying to manage a dating life with a small child - my son is 4 years old and, like you, I lost my husband suddenly so even after 3 years I am personally finding it hard to get "attached" to anyone. Sometimes the trauma of it all just puts me into short periods of depression and men I date find it hard to understand. I do take the odd night to go out with someone I am dating (ie. once a week or every week and a half + the odd weekend) so I am away from my son and either ask our nanny to watch him or he stays with my inlaws. I do feel mama guilt sometimes but I also want to find love again and I know its going to take me a while. I wish you all the best, even reading your posts make it seem like you are ready to dip your toes in the dating waters again, and since your son is older, it will give you more time to go out on dates : ) So I hope some lovely man crosses your path at some point in the near future..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Thank you for the lovely and insightful responses. Captains wife, I would truly love it for some lovely man to cross my path. I think that is what I'm waiting for as it's what happened the last time... -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marian1953 Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 You are a beautiful woman, both inside and out- it will happen when you least expect it. That, at least, was what happened to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 You know, it really helps to know you all and to have support and encouragement along the way. I'm glad that happened to you, Marian. Very glad for you and also glad for the possibilities that may lay ahead for the rest of us. -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IronBear Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 I have no idea how those with young kids manage the whole dating thing but I have never been any good with multitasking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Today I went to a local fair with a new friend of mine and our two boys. It was a conscious decision to dress up and to lift my head at one point and have a look around. No one caught my eye, but at least I tried... We never broke up. Never went through an end, other than the obvious. I loved him like crazy, so looking elsewhere seems very counter-intuitive. Almost seven years later, I realise I'm still trying to be loyal, but not sure what then means in the long term. Perhaps the first step is to look, and to forgive myself for not having the perfect life for my son that I imagined when we decided to bring him into the world. The guilt is overwhelming, but if I try to change the way I think about it all, perhaps the guilt will lessen? This is really hard stuff. -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calimom Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Seven years is a loooooong time to bear the weight of whatever guilt you're feeling, whether it's real or imagined. Maybe it's time to cut yourself some slack and step out into the world a bit? Forgiveness for yourself or for whatever party or parties is creating such turmoil might help in creating some healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Just remember that you honored your vows, " till death do us part", you did not choose for your marriage to end, you did not choose to have your son raised without his father. There is nothing to feel guilty about because this happened TO you. I think you are taking baby steps in the right direction. I don't think recoupling has to be the answer for everyone but I do think it's healthy to make connections with people, emotional and physical intimacy are a big part of who we are. Acknowledging the part of you that deserves that is a good step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddalena Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 i think your husband would like you to be loved. In my case, I know if i just waited for a guy to show up, I would have died of old age. 8) so.. Once I started thinking about it, I did something about it too. I bet there's a wonderful guy just looking for you now. good luck and hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Ah, we didn't have vows. We slowly made the cautious decision to be each other's home over time. It was a lot of work. We each had one foot out the door for many years and because of that it felt more like home than anything...I remember him on the phone one day telling someone I was the female version of himself and it was too true. He was the male version of me, which meant he had to be very "boysie" indeed. I miss him. I miss his Hawaiian shirts and Marguerites and afternoons working on the cars. I miss his accent and sensibilities that aligned with mine. I grew up in a country different enough from my own that when we met and he talked it was like breathing pure oxygen. I didn't have to explain myself. Nor did he. He really was, once in a life-time. I will forever love him for this. Now, what to do after? I really am and have always been, "Lost". Just lost. I just need to hold his hand and all of this will be okay...there is no way to make this better, and the difficulty lies in finding a life that is tolerable afterwards... -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuggets Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 ...."still sworn off men." .... I found this funny -- I think men have sworn off me! My interest is directly proportional to how busy my life is -- busy life, no interest... things are quiet, I start thinking I should date. I would love to be loved again, but I don't think I can sit on my front steps and wait for someone to come along and love me. It's tough, and I wish it was easier for all of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I never was good at looking for someone. And agreed waiting just makes us older . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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