so sad :(

[Carey]

I'm feeling like I could quite possibly be the worst parent on the planet. My 17 year old daughter is a Senior.  She missed prom last weekend. She told me it was because she just didn't feel like going, but I know its because I couldn't afford for her to go.  The tickets alone would have been $90, not counting a dress, etc.  I couldn't afford announcements or a class ring.  I got lucky that someone donated a cap/gown/tassel for her. I also couldn't buy her senior portraits.  I managed to get my camera out of the pawn shop last week and I'm going to do those myself this weekend before I have to put it back in, but that also means I won't have it for the actual graduation ceremony.  Graduation is a measly 5 days before my Social Security nightmare will finally be fixed and I would have had a  little extra to do some of this stuff.  As it is, I'll be lucky to get her lunch bill paid off so they will let her walk.  It's so unfair to her!! I am so upset with myself and even a little with Chad for it being like this.  My oldest son graduated in 2009 and he had the party, the announcements, a laptop computer from us as a gift, the pictures, the works and she knows it.  And it makes me physically sick that I can't do for her what she deserves and mad at him all over again because he should be here for it damnit! He should be here helping me get ready, planning a party for her.  My brain is cut down the middle; I KNOW that alcoholism is a disease and he was as much a victim as me and the kids.  But there's still that huge part that screams, Why was drinking so much more important than us? Why could you not tell it no? I feel like we didn't matter enough.  I just want to scream. I can take the crap that's thrown my way most of the time and the money issues have been a constant worry every day for the last 17 months.  But she doesn't deserve this. She deserves a special graduation day, it's a big moment for her and it will already be bittersweet without her dad.  Me not being able to make it right for her will only enhance his absence. I wonder if the anger will ever fully go away?

[Virgo]

Can you have an 'after graduation' party for her after your SS gets straightened out?  I would still do it all for her as you can afford it. Just make out some cute IOU cards for her.

 

Personally I think class rings are a waste of money. I don't know anyone that still wears their class ring. My oldest is going to be 16 this month and I told her I would rather buy her a birthstone ring.

 

I'm sure she knows that you're doing the best you can! Just remember that all of this is probably bothering you more than it's bothering her.

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry you are hurting, Amy. I know it is hard when we can't give our kids all that we would like to, especially when it seems like the school events are so overdone and expensive and let many kids out. For example, my daughter is in Glee Club. She has to have a floor length formal gown for her concerts. I find this excessive and would have even before I was this financially strapped. Why couldn't a nice simple dress suffice for a high school event? Graduation expenses can really add up, too.

 

Do you have a friend that might let you borrow a camera for graduation? If I were close, I'd let you borrow mine. I know it might feel bad to ask, but hopefully someone can help you out. In addition, if you do have a little extra cash when the SS gets on track, maybe you can plan a special celebration then. It may be a little after the fact, but you can still celebrate later. Maybe you can start planning it with her now so she knows she has it to look forward to. I can see that it hurts not to be able to have a similar celebration for your daughter as you did for your son. Sadly, your life is different now and so you aren't in a position to do things as you did before. Feeling anger at Chad seems like a normal response to me. Heck, some days I feel angry with my beloved T for leaving me to handle this all on my own and he couldn't control his heart arrhythmia either. It is just a response to the magnitude of the changes that have been thrust upon us.

 

I think a heartfelt letter to your daughter about how much she means to you would mean a lot more as a keepsake than a formal graduation announcement. I hope it doesn't sound like I am minimizing your disappointment in not being able to provide the things you want to. I really do understand how that hurts.

 

Tight hugs...

[MissinGrizz]

I work at a high school. We have programs for financially struggling kids. Did you speak to your daughter's counselor about all of this? For example, we have a program called "Cinderella's Closet" which has prom gowns past prom-goers and others have donated so that students in need can have a dress. We also have fund-raising or work study options for kids who can't pay their fees. As for lunch, doesn't she get free lunch through your school? I'm actually quite angry at her school right now for letting this happen.

 

Don't worry about the class ring. Many kids don't get them. As for the senior portrait, I assume they took a shot of her for yearbook (here everyone gets that at least done for free). Could you call the photographer and make some sort of deal/explain your situation? Maybe you can at least just get a sheet of 8 wallets. Then you can have one, and she can share with friends. Also, I bet her school or public library can loan you a camera. We have cameras and laptops available for check out. Stop by and ask.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. But, don't beat yourself up about it. If she really wanted to go to prom, she could have gotten a part-time job or found a dress at a thrift shop or borrowed one from a friend. When I was in high school, my widowed  mom couldn't afford all of these things for her three kids. I worked three jobs in high school to pay for it all myself.  I'm sure she also was angry at my step-father for his choices (also alcoholism but suicide was cause of death), but I never blamed her. I'm sure your daughter doesn't blame you either. And, in the long run, it made me a stronger person. I worked hard and appreciated everything I got in life. I didn't feel jealous for the kids who got computers and cars for graduation or regret not getting a class ring. Instead, I felt strong for having bought my own car through hard work, and when I was eventually able to afford a few special items, they meant so much more to me.

 

((hugs))

 

p.s. SoVerySad . . . There are so many consignment stores that sell formal gowns for no more money than a simple dress, especially right after prom when they have leftovers. If she isn't a senior yet, coming up might be a great time to find her one for next year.

[Carey]

The funny thing is, my sister is her principal. But it's a different kind of school. Its an early middle college high school and they are a SMALL school on a much larger college campus so they don't have a lot of the programs or funding that other high schools do. They don't even have an assistant principal.  My sister is the one that found a benefactor for her cap and gown and tassel. I'm a pretty good photographer so I'm going to do her senior pics this weekend and THEN put my poor baby back in the pawn shop lol.  And yes, the only thing she has really asked for is a beach trip so we are going to do that the weekend after graduation.  I can't believe they are having graduation on memorial day weekend. It's messing up a long held family tradition of ours, but in a way it is a blessing. The next week I will have SS and will be able to afford a beach weekend. I just feel bad about the whole "senior experience' and I feel like I've let her down.  AND...even though she is walking this year, her school has what's called a "super senior" year.  It's a 5th year of being considered a high school student, but you take college classes and all expenses are paid.  So she technically can still get the prom experience, next year.  Hopefully things will be better by then. I almost wish her graduation walk was next year too. I hope to be on more secure ground then. She tells me she understands and she tells me that she knows money is tough right now and she's not being ungrateful or bitching about not having things. I guess I just remember what my senior year was like and I just wanted to be able to do that for her too, my only daughter.

[Guest marian1953]

she is one special girl, Carey! You are blessed to have her- but I'm sure you know that! ;D

Marian

[Trying]

Not being able to give our kids everything we want, seeing them go without, is the most difficult part of this journey.  Even though she is being mature and understanding about your financial circumstances I am sure she appreciates hearing that you would give her the moon if you could. None of it is fair.

[lcoxwell]

I am so sorry, that you are struggling and cannot give your daughter all that you would like. I can completely relate to struggling financially and not having the money to pay for all the things, that every other parent in the world seems to come up with the money for, and I can completely relate to the devastation and sense of being an inadequate parent, because I haven't been able to pay for things, either.

 

My children missed out on so many things, while my Kenneth was still alive, because all of our time, resources, energy, and money had to go toward him. My daughter was the only one in her band that did not get to make a trip to Hawaii, because we did not have the money. She also missed out on Disneyland, several dances, and other school activities; and I had no money for either her senior portraits, or my son's. My son missed out on pretty much everything, but he always said he really didn't want yearbooks or dances, anyway.

 

My daughter is academically gifted, skipped a grade in school, and graduated just three weeks, after turning 17. She has taken a few community college classes, that she had to pay for, but I have not had the money to send her or her brother to college. What a waste, for such a brilliant mind, who has so much potential. This past December, she got married, and she and her husband paid for everything, because I could not even afford to help pay for any of it, even though a bride's parent is supposed to pay for the wedding, and nearly five months later, I am still struggling to recover from the financial loss of taking time off work, without pay, and traveling across country to attend her wedding.

 

I say all this, to let you know that, at least on some level, I truly understand how you feel. I, too, often feel like a failure as a parent. In the grand scheme of things, though, I have learned that the single, most important thing you can possibly do for your children is to simply love them and to tell them and show them each and every day just how deep that love is. Yes, it is disappointing that they are missing out on certain aspects of life's key moments, but in the long run, what they care about the most, is that they are loved.