kmouse Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Many of us wids without kids...whether by choice or by circumstance...feel pretty isolated in and out of the wid world. Naurek made this post in February of 2010 and lots of us thought having an island just for us misfit wids was a pretty fine idea. I hope she will be ok that I brought the island with us in the move from YWBB. I think it's pretty important that we remember we are as valuable as any wid, have our own unique pains and loss, and we need a safe place to express just how hard it can be to walk in the isolating world of the wid without kids. Grab a drink with an umbrella from the tiki hut and join us! Sorry, this is a so long. I just think if I'm feeling this way maybe someone else is and it'll bring some misery-loves-company type of comfort. I find this section of the forums to be pretty quiet. There is an enormous focus in society on being married and having kids. If you're not in that situation, the rest of society's focus seems to be on pushing towards attaining that golden standard. Obviously I'm generalizing here and there are lots of people who have all kinds of different circumstances that don't fit neatly into these categories and/or don't want to. I enjoy when those people come out of the woodwork and offer different perspectives, both here and in real 'life'. It's just that lately I've been feeling so far removed from everyone. I always felt different, like an outcast, but it didn't matter when I had him. Things/friends were very family-centric and only becoming moreso as I near my 30s, but again it didn't matter because I had him. I don't have that many friends but the ones I do have I'm very close to. (unfortunately, not geographically). Now, I feel like there is regular society full of married people with 2.5 kids living in their own microcosm of happiness and with friends in similar situations. I don't fit in that part of society at all. I can't relate to diapers, to pregnancy, to schools and little Johnny stories, to building a deck for the kids to play on, to the annoying DGI husband/wife complaints, none of that. Another level of society, single parents who feel like they don't fit into that first 'ideal' (by society's standards) category. They may feel outcast, but there are still tons of them. The other parent might be absent, might be helping. They might be on good terms or full of bitter hatred. Either way they're not dead. I can't relate. Then there's others have lost their husband or wife, but still have kids. The majority of widow/ers I see seem to fit into this category. It's a rarer thing, but the internet allows us to at least form a community. I don't feel that comfortable with this either. Then there's single people. Whenever you say 'single' all the focus gets put on partying, fun, dating, trying to attain that 'ideal' of the partner + (probably) kids. I don't fit into there either. I don't want to date now. I don't want to be around the shiny happy people 24/7. A lot of people seek out friends that are 'like them', us included. That's not to say we can't learn or relate in some ways to those that are different from us, but it's often hard when the divide is so big, when someone's life is consumed by their coupledom, their kids, a scene they're into, whatever. I feel like my place in society is the boring, depressed, still a 'wife' in my mind (even though that was ripped away), non-contributing burden to those around me. Fun! I just miss my nice life full of middle ground like I used to have as half a couple. I never used to have to resort to hanging out at the library alone, and at the other extreme I was done with the days of clubbing and never had the desire to pick up random guys. Everything we did was ok because it was We. Now it's just Me, and suddenly I'm noticing just how terribly Different I am. By the way, I don't mean to knock on anyone, I just feel like I don't fit in. Not a little bit, but by a long shot. Having kids is a huge part of one's life. Generally, 'the family' seems to consume people and of course their entire lives change. They can no longer relate to me anymore than I can to them. I feel like that divide would have happened anyway, but again... I had him and didn't need a ton of friends. Now it just seems so sad, I open this forum and see the "I have no purpose" thread and it really hits home. I went on vacation recently (alone...) and it sparked most of these thoughts. Suddenly I realized how much is out there that I can't do. Most things are either family activities or full on scandalous type things that happy unwidowed college students do. The only middle ground is for couples. I felt terrible even eating in a restaurant, "Only one?", "Yes." I'm really out of ideas and just... for those days when I feel like exiting the house, I just feel so isolated and alone. There is no group of buddies that were always there to do something with for the sake of doing something, like there was in high school. I'm just at a time of life when things should be SET, everything should be working smoothly in it's nice routine, clicking into place as part of the plan toward some nice goals. Instead it all crumbled to shit and I'm just spinning around in the darkness reaching out, but nothing is there. I'm not even asking for answers, I know I can take a class, volunteer, fake it at work. But even when I do those things I still feel alone, like a part is missing, like I'm watching it all from behind some foggy glass. I just wanted to get that rant out really.. hoping someone feels the same (but at the same time... not. You guys know what I mean.) If there was an island for us outcasts, I'd live there in a heartbeat just to feel human again. _________________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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