In love with a divorcee

[Guest Mel4072]

He hasn't been divorced very long and is trying to sell "their" house. She has made it EXTREMELy difficult. I love this man and enjoy our relationship. I hate hearing about this house problem. My stomach sinks because I feel like I'm intruding on a life, like the other woman. They were married 24 years. He left. She was very abusive.

This weekend she had their 17 year old daughter call him (daughter lives with him) and ask him to go to the house and talk to mom about selling it it. He said "No." I thought it was because she would start yelling and fighting with him. He explained that her boyfriend was out of town and fighting was not what she was after. She wants to keep the house and would try to get him to have sex with her so that she could manipulate. She even had their old neighbor call him and tell him that although she loves her boyfriend, it's not the same as him. The neighbor wanted them to get back to together. (He told the neighbor about his relationship with me.)

This made me feel very insecure. We have gotten to know each other but not in a sexual way. I am so in love with this man. I hate that his daughter had to go through their divorce but she seems like a pretty well adjusted kid. I am very open to how she feels and I am sad that mom would put her in that position.

Anyway, I am just wondering if anyone else has experience with this and what wisdom you can impart.

He has talked about marrying me pretty much from the get go. Showed me a receipt for an engagement ring and told me it would take 60 days to come in. I am just scared, sad and a little insecure right now; even though this great guy is telling me that he's in love with me. And I am so in love with him....

And he swears he would NEVER go back to her.

[Guest TooSoon]

As you well know, I can be very mama bearish about these things.  My instinct tells me you might benefit from setting up some boundaries and parameters.  For instance,  no more talk of marriage at all until (insert your parameters here.  just as a for instance, perhaps until the house issue is resolved).  He cannot be wholly there for you if he is pulled in this other direction and still enmeshed in the ugliness of divorce.  I am not you and I don't know him, but if it was me, I would also be inclined to insist he keep these two worlds completely separate and that his relationship with ex-wife involves nothing other than kid logistics. 

 

Try to think what you would say to a friend who told you that her BF's ex-wife was trying to manipulate him with sex?  That it even came up sends off all of my bells and whistles.  It might help to think about these things with a bit of emotional distance. 

 

I don't know if this helps in any way, and as you know, I've just got your best interest at heart.  Feel free to ignore.  Hugs.

[Sugarbell]

Nothing wrong with being in love with a divorcee....probably the majority of us who have decoupled it's been with either another widow or divorcee. That's par for the course.

 

Going to sound black and white here.... But I have learned to think logically without emotion before getting in too deep.

 

1. how long has he been divorced ?

2. Why has he been talking marriage to you from the beginning?

3. Please remember their are 3 sides to this divorce....His side, her side and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.

4. Are you willing to deal with the drama?

 

Have they slept together since being divorced or separated on the side? I mean...before you came into the picture.

 

I see red flags. But you know him and the whole situation....as an outsider just reading this....something doesn't add up.

 

But happy for you if it does work out with him and I am wrong.

[maddalena]

Too soon and Sugarbell give excellent advice.

 

I look forward to you answering Sugarbell's questions

[Guest Mel4072]

Honestly, I've been afraid to ask if they have had sex since divorce but I don't think so. The fact that he won't meet with her says something to me. They only talk about the house and kid, to my knowledge.

Yall really didn't make me feel any more secure. It's my insecurity, not anything he's done. I don't want to put that on him.

I didn't intend on falling in love, it just happened. He's done all the right things. Trust me, I'm a tough cookie! It doesn't take much to make me run screaming like bloody hell! An accent, hair parted on the wrong side, a fart, or trying to fix my grief. 😊

[momtokam]

Mel, please be very careful.

 

Some things don't seem right to me.

 

Why would he show you a bill for a ring? Most men would like to make it a surprise or shop with you if it's a mutual decision.

I'm with sugarbell,  way to fast on the marriage talk.

 

Why would he tell you his ex wants to sleep with him?

You have mentioned before that you told him no sex until he puts a ring on it. Is this driving his decision?

 

It is still a very new relationship. Marriage talk would make me run for the hills?  But I'm not you and don't know him but I worry about what I am hearing.

 

If he is newly divorced, he needs to get his house in order (pun intented) before there can be any marriage talk. There should be no rush.

 

 

 

 

[lcoxwell]

Not knowing the situation fully, I can easily see this situation from two different sides, so I am not offering advice in any way. I am only sharing a couple of perspectives, to allow you to consider things from various points of view.

 

On the one hand, I agree with the previous posters, on pretty much everything they have said. There are parts of the story you have shared, that might throw up red flags and suggest that you proceed with caution. I am not going to take the time to point out those particular areas of concern, as others have already listed them.

 

On the other hand, I can put a more positive spin on things. Sometimes, you just KNOW when things are right. The fact that he has talked about marriage from the start could simply mean he knows he found a good woman in you, and that he wants you to know his intentions are to spend his life with you. As far as the ex goes, my mother always said that you do not need to worry about cheating, when the other person is being upfront and honest; it is when they start to hide things, that you need to worry. Maybe, just maybe, he is telling you about his ex wife's attempts at manipulation, because he wants to be honest and wants you to know there is nothing to worry about. The fact that he refuses to meet with her and that he keeps communication restricted to daughter and house might be telling you that he is doing his best to keep things on the up and up and not give you any reason to feel insecure.

 

Again, not knowing the full situation, I can see where each of these perspectives could be valid points of view, so I am not making any judgements or offering any advice, whatsoever. Just food for thought.

[Guest look2thesky]

On the side of caution.

Why show a receipt ?

Are you certain he is divorced, and..

The question of sex.

That's a hard sell (imho), why would he bring this up ?

It certainly wouldn't help me feel secure with a relationship.

Sorry don't mean to be negative but this to me wouldn't make me do cartwheels.

 

I dated a similar type situation.

Only reversed. He wanted "meetings" to discuss

divorce resolution. Like can't one talk on the phone,

or send requests. I ultimately backed off.

I guess I need to see it in writing.

Best to You.

[serpico]

My world is about to topple completely over ( ), but I think I agree with Sugarbell pretty much all the way here.

 

And Mel, you may not like hearing this, but I don't think it's YOUR insecurity at work here. When two people with mindsets as different as SB and me see the same red flags, it means they're flying tall and whipping madly in the breeze.

 

I hope like hell this guy is the real deal and we're all wrong about him, but something doesn't seem right.

[Guest Lost35]

Mel, I stay away from these threads for a reason; I've no right to be in them.  However, I have had enough history that a few things are making me very uneasy about what you've written.

 

To be blunt:

 

The receipt and the pressure of the ex wanting sex, makes me wonder if he isn't trying to manipulate you and your beliefs.  Why mention it otherwise?

 

I am also always weary of wonderful people who find themselves surrounded in evil-do-ers as well.  The evil (second?) ex-wife manipulating a poor child and trying to make him have sex sounds unusual at best.  And if he truly is surrounded in bad people, why would he bring that to you?  What could you possibly do with all of that?  Why would he risk scaring you away if it is something he wants to put behind him?  He knows you have high ideals in this area, so it makes me question his judgement to even bring this into your relationship.

 

I'm really sorry.  I'm very jaded when it comes to these things.  Please take this with a HUGE grain of salt!!!

 

Any time you find you feel guilty or bad or at fault in any way for the difficulties in another person's life, there is a very good chance there is some form (perhaps completely unintended) of manipulation at work. 

 

This man has a house to clean, before letting you set foot in it all.  How much have you worked to find the inner strength you need to be a good partner, post-widowhood?  I'm not saying he can't do this as well, but simply from what was written, it makes me wonder how much work has been done one his end, at this point.

 

That said, sometimes life is difficult because a person tries too hard in the wrong situations.  Perhaps that is his only difficulty and all will make itself clear, with time.

 

Regardless, I wish you all the best.  Take care and may it all end well for you.  You deserve it.

 

(Please feel free to disregard any and all of this!!!)  I promise to stay away from this section in the future!

 

 

-L.

[widowat33]

I can't add much to this besides what's already been said.

I try to look at both sides or points of view for almost any situation, and I think it's great that he's honest however why feel the need to mention that even the neighbour wants him to get back together with his ex?

You may be dealing with insecurity, but is it because he is making you feel insecure? I know you say he's not but if he's mentioning how she says it's not the same without him, or that she would use him and manipulate him, etc..I think that would be enough to make most people insecure and wonder about the relationship.

Marriage talk would also make me very uncomfortable early on in the relationship, in fact I once dumped a guy cause he told me he loved me early in the relationship..but that is just me and in no way means that everyone feels that way! Some people do just know when it's right, my dh also told me fairly early in our relationship that he loved me, but we had also been friends for four years prior so it didn't scare me as much!

I don't know you or this man, but from what I'm reading I don't think you are insecure for no reason! I know you don't want to put this on him, and maybe he doesn't even realize that you are feeling this way! If it were me I personally would be upfront with him and openly tell him how I was feeling. I would also be cautious, but I am just naturally a cautious person when it comes to who I trust!

Good luck and hopefully things work out the way you want them to!

[Guest look2thesky]

 

Just a feeling no way this guy is ready for anything other than friends yet.

 

[Trying]

Mel, I'm glad that others brought up the issue of showing you a receipt for a ring that won't come for 60 days. I keep going back to that when I read your post.  Why show you? Why would it take 60 days? Why tell you that he could be having sex with his ex if he wasn't so virtuous?  It feels manipulative to me based on you telling him that sex would have to wait until he "puts a ring on it".

 

I think while it is possible to know someone is "the one" in a short amount of time I also think that it's hard to think clearly when you are in the throws of rainbows and violins in early infatuation.

 

Again, none of us are there and only you know all of the facts so mine is just one opinion based on what you have shared.  I wish you nothing but the best.

[Guest mawidow]

Mel, I am wishing you and your heart the very best. I have dated divorced men, never-married men, men with broken engagements, serial monogamist co-habitating men...

 

I was naive about divorce. I have learned that divorce is hell and incredibly complicated with children involved. I thought being a young widow was hell and incredibly complicated. But after divorce with kids involved, all of that emotional complication is still walking around on the planet. I have learned that it takes a long, long, long time to heal from the wounds of divorce and get into a parenting groove that works. I am with someone who's been separated for 2 years and divorced for 1.5 years and the wounds are still fresh, fresh, fresh. The systems for co-parenting are still getting hammered out and everyone is still very unmoored and disoriented and in lots of pain. 2 years now seems like a drop in the bucket to me - kinda like widowhood. I think 5 years out, 10 years out, the picture will look much different. Also, dating someone who has been a husband for decades can mean that he acts like a husband as second nature, he does those little husband-y things that can make it feel like things are really far along. And I know I act wife-y and do and say those little wife-y things that can give the appearance that we've been together for a long time. But the emotional reality is that things are still new.

 

So this is not advice, just a note to say I respect your situation and how nutty it is to re-couple. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

[Guest Mel4072]

Wow. A couple of things hit home.

1. When people start hiding things, that's when you worry. My LH was a hider and I learned in my marriage that the truth always comes out; don't have to worry about that. (This would be part of my insecurity.)

2. Husband-y and wife-y. YES!!! Huge yes! I realized the first guy I dated that o acted like a wife and began working to shed that skin. I still wear it at times. It's hard to let go of something that you worked so hard to perfect over 24 years!!! I hadn't considered that he may be dealing with the same issue! It is tough recoupling. I am still in a learning curve. No doubt I am in love though, for reals....

He treats me really good. He's honest, upfront and communicates well. Those aren't red flags.

He told me about the ring AFTER I said "put a ring on it". His intentions are honorable, no need to run from that. He's looking for a good woman to spend his life with and felt like he found one. Me.

Yeah, I'm careful. As careful as I can be. I try to be VERY understanding that he comes with his past issues and I come with mine. Cancer death, he went through drug addiction, we separated a couple of times, years of him not being fully present. We didn't have a great marriage until 2007 and he died 6 years later.

I've also discovered that I have a fear of communicating. I know where that comes from... LH. Do the math, 18 years of him keeping secrets and telling me my fears were unfounded, wounded me. So, great advice. I definitely need to open up and share with new guy what I am fearing. He's not my LH.

Yep.... Thanks yall!

[fctyler]

Mel, It sounds like you really enjoy this new man and feel confident that you want to spend the rest of your life with him.  You've talked about his good qualities which seem numerous....that's awesome.  If you feel this in love and want to marry this man, I am concerned with your comment, "Honestly, I've been afraid to ask if they've had sex since the divorce, but I don't think so." 

 

The concern doesn't even center around the fact that they might have had sex.  They are consenting adults who have a history, and if they did have sex, it might have been before you met.  The concern stems from the fact that something is keeping you from asking because you don't want to hear the answer.  You want to keep things in the positive which I fully understand.  But, if you are truly ready to marry this man, you can't be fearful of asking questions and wanting honest answers.  When fear creeps into the equation and you'd rather stay in the dark than know the truth, then it's probably better to step away from thoughts of marriage and life commitment and focus on getting to know him, enjoying him, and not fearing his answers when asking him an honest question.  Taking the focus off marriage may be less pressuring so that you can just enjoy this wonderful new relationship.

[Sugarbell]

Again...please ask yourself (and you don't need to share "How long has he been divorced?"

 

I know there are a plethora of reasons for "drawn out separation or divorce" but the house isn't even sold yet. I know I am being black and white here. The gray justifying and making excuses is always what got me in trouble in the past.

 

Why the marriage rush ? Is it the sex thing? Kinda manipulative of him to mention "Ex wife offering up sex when he knows you aren't ready to sleep with him"

 

You all maybe true soul mates...you do seem to care very deeply for each other. I have just learned (the hard way)the gift of giving relationships time. Time is your friend.

[Guest look2thesky]

If you can't explain and ask questions how would it be later.

It's a tough thing to ask someone to wait for intimacy after a second or third time around.

 

[Guest Mel4072]

Very true look2thesky....

He told me that he had sex with another woman after his divorce. She wound up being crazy/ stalker and manipulative too. I guess I hate to go into those painful parts of somebody's  life or the areas of shame. (We all have regrets that don't need to be thrown up in our faces.) the woman never met his kids. I have. Says something. He was looking for sex with her and found it. I, on the other hand have enough experience to know myself and what I will give away and what I won't and the consequences of such.

The house situation. Yes. It bothers me. There is a solution. She is trying to buy his half. We will see.

Guilt might have been the wrong word. Sympathy would be more appropriate.

Yall, this is tough. But I'm learning. Nothing in life is certain. I should know that by now. But sometimes, you have to take care of yourself and hope that it's enough that another person with ill intentions can't knock you down. That's where I am at. All along I've been trying to take care of me. Now I'm trying to add joy on top of that. Not looking for perfection just enjoyment.

Not all men are dogs. There are some good ones and it pays more to have faith than to doubt.

Thanks yall!

 

[calimom]

The ex-wife wants to have wild crazy monkey sex with him - he holds it up as a bargaining point to give you a ring so you will have sex with him. She holds the deed to their crappy house as a wild card.  He wants his half, which should have been decided upon during the divorce settlement.

 

The previous lady in his life has sex with him and is craze ~ a stalker!. 

 

He is innocent in all these lady-dealings.  A pure, pure man.

 

See a pattern, Mel?  The ladies are *crazy* and he is untouched, a victim of difficult  women.  He holds no responsibility  for his actions. 

 

If you're smart, you'll proceed with caution.  Best of luck to you and your children.

[Guest look2thesky]

: )

[Guest marian1953]

Mel. this man is playing you and is not being truthful with you about the still intwined relationship with his ex. Please stay focused on protecting you and your kids.

Marian

 

i say this, too, because you replied to a parent post- "I am currently in a relationship. That "currently" is telling right there.

 

[serpico]

Mel. this man is playing you and is not being truthful with you about the still intwined relationship with his ex.

 

Okay, now I'm gonna change my thoughts a little bit. There is absolutely no way any of us can know exactly what this guy's intentions are or how truthful he is being. I said there were red flags but I have no idea whether or not this guy is bad news or if he holds no accountability for his actions...and neither can anyone else.

[Guest Mel4072]

Thanks Serpico.

Although I know the (careful) advice is with good intentions it is inlaid with all kinds of insinuations that I am stupid. I was stupid when I got pregnant at 19 and married him after the second child. We stayed together for 24 years. Sometimes, things work out and sometimes they don't.

I've Opened up my heart to this man. We shall see... I guarantee you that he is NOT manipulating me for sex. He is not still married. The amount of time since divorce doesn't matter anymore than the difference between being widowed and divorced. That's splitting hairs.

I am dealing with my own insecurities and learning how to have a new relationship. That's all. I'm not looking for perfection, just learning me a little bit more.

[Guest look2thesky]

I don't think anyone here would want anything but happiness for you. I have been insecure on just about everything since my Wife died.

If you read your original post from an omniscient point of view, what would you suggest someone do ?

Only you know this man, and only you know what would make you feel more secure.

It seems just a bit, and this is only an opinion, that everyone here are just trying to give sound advise, on the details you wrote.

Love to me anyway, is not having to bargain for someone's attention.

Some things are maybe better left unsaid. The neighbor ? The Daughter.. Etc,

Just seem like bargaining tools in order for him to possibly have sex with you ?

Who knows. It is very vague from what you wrote, and you say you love him deeply.

Are the feelings reciprocated ? If someone really loves another, and it has room to grow, there should be no 3rd party input.

Obviously you seem uncomfortable with certain things, which one can only imply that there might be trust issues.

And I just have a hard time with some who seem to manipulate. Especially to fellow widow(er)s.