Sugarbell Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I think sometimes..:.looking at it from the outside sometimes people want to cut thru the bullshit and call it as they see it. I know I am guilty of it sometimes....however on this thread I intentionally was careful with my wording. Best of luck to you Mel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Mel, I certainly hope you don't think I insinuated any such thing. I don't think anyone did intentionally. Replace the word stupid with the word vulnerable. We are all - every single one of us - vulnerable. We are all trying to figure it out. Don't be discouraged; on the contrary, keep talking and keep trying to work it out. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marian1953 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Another here hoping you didn't think you are "stupid". I got pregnant at 16!! By rape. And gave the child up. Did I want to marry at the time? Well, yes! Anyways, you aren't really being honest with yourself, and you use us as a sounding board. Perfectly ok. Just don't start taking umbrage at what the west coast wids have to say. You aren't stupid at all. Gullible would be the better word. take care Marian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marian1953 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 And Mel? The only damn male here that you reply to is Serpico. Think about it. I remember you and your Hunter days on ywbb. He was your own true after your husband, wasn't he? Sorry to stir the pot, but that is what you do here with your posts, isn't it? Marian I was not as blunt as Calimom but just go back and read that West Coast reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Thanks Sugarbell! I honestly don't know who is what gender... Unless there is a pic. No I don't stir the pot but I know who does. I have no idea what the West Coast Wids is that you are referring to.... No clue.... As for Hunter.... It's not a crime or immoral. I'm single... So was he. Dont attack. I'm not after anybody. Just living my life and letting others live theirs. My OP was about being in a relationship with a divorcee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissinGrizz Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Mel, You were very early out with Hunter. No blame there. I'm sure it felt good to feel loved and felt like something it wasn't. I don't think you "stir any pots" as suggested here, but I do worry for you. If I recall, you've been in three relationships now where you thought he was THE ONE, and then wasn't. Your teen daughter has met them all, and now this guy has told her he plans to propose to you. I have been teaching teens for 23 years and have three at home. It's a lot for her to go through after losing her dad. None of that makes you "stupid," just "vulnerable" as suggested by others. But please, try to remember your daughter is vulnerable as well. I worry about her and what happens when this guy shows his true colors, if indeed that is what's going to happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 With all of the turmoil of love and loss and ups and downs and trying to find our footing when the ground keeps bloody shifting...there is no harm at all in finding someone to talk to who can help you sort through the difficulties of this new reality. It may feel like everyone is ganging up on you, but please know, there is a great deal of wisdom and kindness and caring here, for you and for your family. Breathe, be kind to yourself, slow down, heal. Nothing untoward can ever come of that. Take care, -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I once asked the advise of people in a forum. It was about a seemingly nice woman I was attracted to, but there was something that just didn't seem right. Someone made me double think, of which I will forever be grateful for. Things don't always appear as they seem. Sometimes intuition is right. I confronted the person, and did a bit of digging The advise was spot on. And even though I was saddened, it saved me a huge amount of heartache. Just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I'm of two minds on this. On the one hand, no one knows what a relationship truly is but the two people in it. On the other hand, sometimes it's SOOOO much easier to see things clearly from the outside. There's some movie, isn't there?, with a line: "We're all stupid [when we're] in love." I know it's been true for me, at least post-loss. And it's not necessarily a (totally) bad thing. I'm glad to have people who sometimes want more for me and look out for me than I want for and look out for myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Mel, I think if you were totally at ease with your boyfriend's words and actions, you would not have felt compelled to ask for advice, with the inclusion of the details that---I feel--are giving you the most disconcert at the moment. Something seems amiss with him. Just what that is, isn't clear to me. But he's got you a bit unsettled, and most of the posters here seem to be perplexed by his intentions, also. It's wise to listen when a group of people advise you that something isn't right. Trust me, I'm Lil Miss Learned It The Hard Way. (My bastard ex-husband before I married Brooks). But I'd keep my eyes wide open and my ears perked. Baylee *edited to clarify Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Mel... I don't know where to start or what to say, except, please take your time. Look for the red flags. Lots of good advice given to you here. YOU are NOT stupid, you are kind, giving, loving and having someone recognize this feels good. Let me tell you my story... I was vulnerable when I met my now husband, a divorcee. I was in love with him too. He showed me attention, told me he would marry me yesterday, that all the other women he dated were "crazy, destructive, wanted nothing but money from him, used him, stalked him, etc." Even said his ex wife was abusive and would fight with him all the time. Told me I was different, I had a true heart of gold that he wanted next to his. Bought me a "promise" ring... BUT, for someone so in love with me took him TWO years to ask me to marry him. He showered me with gifts, flowers, attention, etc. Gosh, it felt wonderful. He would fix things around the house for me, do maintenance on my car, took my son fishing, to the zoo, etc. It was so nice to have a man take control of those things. He was charming and confident, I would listen to stories about how he did things for his Mom, his sister, friends, etc. I thrived, I felt good, IT felt right! I packed up my special/important things, sold my house, sold all my furniture so I had less to move. He LOVES me, told me I held his heart in my hands. He held my heart in his . Fast Forward to today... A guy with narcissistic traits usually bides his time before he shows his true colors. He knows how to make you feel on top of the world. For a while, you can be deceived into thinking he is your long lost soul mate. He will complement you excessively, take you on wonderful dates, buy you gifts, lay the flattery on thick. Unfortunately, if you're caught up in the romance you may miss the manipulation that comes along with it. (As I did) The red flags were there, I dismissed them and everyone that tried to tell me differently...he LOVES me. Yes, I'm still married, seeing a therapist (he doesn't know that), I'm controlled, yelled at, manipulated. Tells me he does EVERYTHING for me, "Lets" me hang different curtains, "Lets" me put my stuff on this shelf, etc. I don't put the dishes away right, his needs comes first, I have to do what he wants...even though he says he's doing it for me. I moved into his house, so "I gave you a roof over your head, I painted that room for your son, I flew to see you all the way to "state"..." He talks about himself all the time, how hard he works, how no one he works with does anything right, how everyone uses him. I can barely, if ever get a word in about my needs or opinions or even just to talk about nothing. When I talk, he says.. "Okay..are you done yakking now? I've heard you say that over and over and over, stop yakking about it." He belittles me, says that only a "moron" would know to do it this way...he has no empathy for me, if I'm tired..he's tired because he works all day, I have time for a nap since I "just" stay home. Rarely takes my son fishing or does anything as a family. "I don't do things like that, you knew that before you married me". Gives me no money and expects me to buy groceries from my sons Social Security check since I need to pay 2/3 of the bills and him only 1/3..that's fair, ya know. Even though I have no job and paid off his house from the sale of mine. He saves money... lots of it. BUT HE LOVES ME. Tells me to just shut up cause he's tired from dealing with all the know nothings at work. Tells me he's doing what he wants to do cause he does everything for everybody all the time and it's time for him! Steals my self confidence, BUT HE LOVES ME. Wants my son to eat a hot dog instead of the steak that he bought for him and I. Barely speaks to my son...only to tell him what to do and he needs to know how to do the chores right, since he is the one who put the f'ing roof over his head. I'm emotionally and mentally abused. I'm trying to figure out how to get unstuck, I cry, I'm weak, I'm scared...BUT HE LOVES ME! My son does not deserve this HELL...he's been through enough of it in life. He says he was just "part of the package" cause this person wanted me.. I'm sad my only baby, my late dear, dear, loving husband of 20 years' son.. has to feel like a nothing. Okay.. I'm done with my story... This may NOT be the person you are with, I just wanted to share my story with you cause your story sounded so familiar, so close to home. Please look for any sign of this, avoid being rushed into committing to a relationship, tune in to your intuition and find out if there is any discomfort that you are experiencing. Your instincts are there to protect you!! Narcissists have to move quickly in a relationship, plowing over your natural resistance with over the top romance. This makes you much more easily manipulated, as you?re naturally a bit off balance. Also, as you go deeper into the relationship, you reveal more of yourself to him, and trust him more (Never noticing the tidbits he tells you about himself are small and or incomplete, because he is such a great listener!). That then allows him to destroy you emotionally when he stops paying attention to you or starts abusing you. Once he?s got you hooked, he knows it will be hard, if not impossible for you to escape. Something to read... only if you want: http://luckyottershaven.com/2014/10/03/a-match-made-in-hell-narcissists-and-hsps/ Mel, I pray and hope that you have found a wonderful, loving, KIND man. Who will cherish you as you deserve. Who will LOVE you unconditionally and feel lucky to have such a woman in his life. Nothing I said is meant to hurt you, or make you feel stupid. I want you to be safe, knowledgeable, and above all else... loved like you deserve to be. As far as stupid.... that's me, I'm still sitting in this Hell. BECAUSE HE LOVES ME. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Tracey- You need the widow-wagon bus (the 70s greyhound my friend made into an RV) to drive up and kidnap you and your son. Go on a month long Thelma/Louise road trip with about a dozen Widda-after I hijack this bus!!!! And we can mail your man the divorce papers.....or have my younger brother deliver them (the kid is built with no body fat and is scary....actually he threatened my ex to never come back around the house or he would take care of him WV style) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Count me in on the Widda rescue bus! I can drive the night shift since I don't sleep anyways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Tracey, my dear friend...I will kidnap you and J in in early June. I love you! Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbar Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I wonder how many bad marriages to bad people could be avoided if those dating a divorcee had the opportunity to talk to the "crazy ex?" Nothing to add to this thought-provoking thread, just that random thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 This story cuts to the bone. I'm so sorry. This took courage to share and I'm sending prayers and big HUGS to you and your son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 The best advise is probably no advise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Tracey, I am praying for you. I am sorry that you found yourself in this situation and pray that you find your way out. Nobody deserves to be abused or belittled. MissGrizz, yes, my kids met Hunter and the other guy I dated but they knew I was dipping my toes into dating and that it was iffy, at best. My kids and my late husband's best friend have met this guy. They raved about him before I could say whether I like him or not. It's impossible to do everything right because there really isn't a right or wrong. They met him, they really like him. I've protected my kids. I want to know how somebody treats my kids and how they feel about him before I get serious. If my kids get a bad vibe, I'm out! If he treats people poorly, I'm out! I won't move in with somebody without the whole marriage thing (for my protection and my kids.) we've talked about securing our finances from before so that our kids are taken care of and not hurt. There is no such thing as an ideal situation. Our current status taught us that. I'm not perfect and don't expect anybody else to be perfect. But I don't tolerate abuse and pray that anybody in an abusive relationship GETS HELP! Thanks for the support here. It's such a weird thing. If you'd asked me 2 years ago about Hunter, I would've said "yeah, I think he's the one." Asked me about dancing dude a year ago and I don't think I would've said "he's the one". I was breaking up with him a year ago. I learned over time that those were not working relationships. I may learn that about this one too. The difference with this one is that I'm falling in love with him when he's not aware of me being around him. The attention is nice but I know that fades. It's him without that attention to me that I love. We will see. It's so funny. I hear "you shouldn't be alone. Nobody should be alone." But the truth is, I'd rather be alone than in a miserable relationship or a relationship that doesn't work. I guess I'm jaded because of death. I know that I don't HAVE to be with somebody. But I'm willing to try to see if it can work. If not, then I've learned something else. As for my daughter, I think it's been good for her to see me dating. I'm transparent with her about my relationships and she is learning what is important. She's learning that it's better to move on instead of not be happy. She is also learning a woman can take care of herself and doesn't NEED a man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 ***Sigh*** :-\ Okay, I probably said too much, sorry for that. Mel, Thank you for not taking offense. I just read certain "signs" that happened to me. He would tell me I was beautiful all the time, still does. Talk to me for hours, talk to my son on the phone, cook dinner for me when he came over, took me to the beach and we walked on the dock and watched the sunset. He played video games with my son, and when my parents met him, he was perfect. He told my Dad he was going to marry me and take care of me. He told me in April 2010 that he would give me a ring. I moved, we lived together, Christmas came - no ring, Valentines - no ring, Birthday - no ring. Now, it's a little over a year later - no ring. I told him that I would not be a live-in, I am setting a bad example for my son. Christmas... I got a ring. Guess that was his way of keeping me. The sex thing...I was very adamant about not having sex right away, made him wait a long time! Never stopped him from asking, he asked the first day we met in person...he gave me sexy lingerie for a gift, with flowers of course. He was the most thoughtful man.... I just want the best for you, and I want you safe. Hugs and my best to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff1973 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Simired Tracey, I don't believe that you said too much.. Just the opposite as you spent a lot of time to show a horrible heartache that could occur after the worst heartache of losing a loving spouse.. I don't know if it will help me in the end but I am a firm believer in waiting at least a year before marrying someone.. I wouldn't think that they could hide their character defects for that long but apparently in your case he was able to.. Leaves me at a loss of what to do because as careful as you were he was able to deceive you until it was too late.. I did stumble onto a website that told guys what to say and do to trick women into thinking that they are the perfect guy.. I felt that it is disgusting to take advantage of women's feelings, finances and life but it does happen.. All I can think is that hopefully there is a special place for those that take advantage and abuse the vulnerable, especially Widows... Thank you for having the courage to share your story and hopefully your honesty will save another from this heartbreak.. May the Widow Bus pick You and your Son up soon.... Jeff1973 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Go on a Thelma and Louise trip with Maureen next month!! My high school ex sociopath was trying to woo me hard last summer. I may have shown some of you pics...He's hot like magazine hot, smooth talker, articulate, persuasive, (I mean he convinced 14 other people to embezzle money too before he got caught) The two times I talked to him....he discusses crazy ex wife and crazy ex gf (who he kept on a string until he got out of prison) How they wanted to still have sex with him...how the young 20 Sonething ladies wanted to sleep with him, etc. I blocked his number in July...no more contact. I told several friends he would find a wealthy or at least an established woman to marry him, need him. He got remArried December 27-2014. He's a predator and good predators are so charismatic...they woo everyone around them. I am not saying this is the case here at all Mel..I do see red flags...but I have no clue about this man. I am just saying for everyone-I think I am sharp at things...if I didn't have a 25 yr history with high school felon-I could've fallen for his line of crap. Luckily I knew him inside out...cause on the service predators can be oh so charming. Time time time. Narcissists and Sociopaths like to rush things very quickly. If you wait too long the mask may fall off and you can see there true colors. And like Simired said..then comes the control and mind games. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Simi, That was heart-wrenching, but thanks for posting. I certainly wouldn't consider you stupid for falling into his trap. The trick now is extricating yourself, if indeed that is the best thing. It sure sounds like it, but that's up to you. Mel, I'm impressed with your thought process. I said I saw red flags but NO ONE except you can tell for sure, and despite how unsettling some of the advice on here has to have been I imagibe it has made you think, which is always good. Sincerely, Damn male Serpico Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissinGrizz Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Simi, My heart breaks for you and your son. I'm so sorry. Mel, If you feel that you're teaching your daughter lessons in man-choosing and independence, then that is your choice, as her mom. I apologize if I was preachy. While it's not what I'd do based on what I hear from teen girls at work discussing their moms (and more often their dads) recoupling multiple times and the pain it causes them, each situation and person is different, and you know your daughter best. Everyone, It's a hard balance being smart about the red flags and not being paranoid and losing great relationships because you see them everywhere. Don't be hard on yourselves even if mistakes are made along the way. It doesn't make you stupid . . . ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindingMyWay Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Simired, thank you for sharing your story. We all benefit from hearing each other's stories. I came very close to getting married. Even though I had the 'he LOVES me!' blaring in my head, something just didn't feel right. I am wondering if you would Be willing to share the specific instances (red flags) you dismissed early on. I, for one, would appreciate that a lot. I want very badly for you and your son to break free from that abusive relationship. It was just a mistake. We all make them. Especially as wids trying to sort through this new and foreign terrain. Maybe you could contact a women's shelter ? Praying for you for strength courage and wisdom to do what you need to do to get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Thank you everyone FindingMyWay... I will come back and write the things that I dismissed and let go when he was "wooing" me. What I can see now was something that I should not have let go then. As it is the weekend.. I don't get on the computer much since I don't even want him to catch me typing on here!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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