One of the big consequences

[IfIonlycould]

To widowhood for me is my indecisiveness and inability to trust myself anymore.  I am posting here in B.A.G. because I believe that this happens to nearly everyone in the first couple years but I am coming up on 7 years and it still effects me.  This has become a real issue for me as decisions I have made have often been based on too much input from others leaving me ultimately unhappy with the final outcome.  I know it is my fault not theirs,  believe me I am definitely not blaming other people in this, they are giving me opinions based on their own needs, wants and desires not on mine.  So why then do I allow their opinions and feedback to effect me so to the point of swaying me from my own desires?  The seed gets planted and I am off and riding the self doubt train! 

There have been many times this has happened but one of the most concrete examples is in the latest house purchase.  This would have been in July of 2013 as close to (in my budget) my dream house popped up on the market...it had so much of what I was looking for...so much...we were the first ones in to see it and immediately put in an offer along with a heartfelt letter explaining how much I loved the house and property (major competitive market) and they accepted my bid (they later told me it was the letter)!  And then it started...my brother and his wife did not like the lot it was on and let it be known, one friend who likes more city life chirped in, another gave her opinion as to the inconvenience to certain things....and a few more....and my mind was off and running...should I do this?  what am I thinking?  I don't know what I'm doing....so when the inspection revealed some crawl space issues (that could be remedied and the sellers were willing to work with me on) I bailed...and I have regretted it everyday since.  I ended up finally purchasing a house in December of 2013 that I was not at all in love with but that made decent enough sense...the market here had been a struggle for buyers for a good year and half and every house had multiple bids on it.  It was at the point that you take what you can get an accepted offer on....and every day since then I have found myself trying to make this house into something it is not....and when I am really down I think of the house that should of been....

So I shared this particular story as an example of who I have become....and it makes me so sad and frustrated.  Because I am not sure how to fix it.  I haven't seen my therapist in a while and I think I am going back to work with him on this issue.  But one of the best ways I have learned how to navigate the widow waters is through all of you ....so anyone who wants to share in this topic would be most appreciated. 

[Lisa]

I wonder if you considered yourself decisive before? I was used to making decisions. Then I moved into a ready made family so he was the big decision maker. For me I think it is an extention of my anxiety. I have a few advisors but I hate getting unsolicited advice.

[MissingSquish]

Ifonlyicould, I can very much relate to feeling like I am second guessing myself on major decisions as well. What I have found that works for me is to not share what's going on with me with many others except a select few.

 

For example, when I was looking for a new job, only my therapist, best friend, career counselor, and now ex BF knew that I was even looking. I trusted that they all truly had my best interests at heart, and they wouldn't sway my decision, but rather support it.

 

It was hard to learn not to share with people that I knew I wouldn't be able to say no to prior to making the big decision. I allowed myself to tell them once I had already made the decision and I was at the point of no return (signed employment contract with a new job).

[Beyondlife]

Hi, I rarely come on anymore but felt a need to post today and then came across your post.  You do have a way of making me take a hard look at who I am.  I think I love you for that, maybe.

 

So I am just the opposite.  I don't trust anybody but myself now.  I had no control over what happened to Grant and now I control myself and my life with an iron fist.  Even the people I love and who love me - I trust them with my heart but not to have input in my life or my decisions.  It's a lonely place to be. 

 

I hate to say this, because it's probably not true, but I feel everybody has a motive when they push their opinion,  They may not even be aware of it, but I feel it's true.  Even if the motive is they think or they hope that something will be right for me or make me happy.  The problem with this, nobody really know me anymore.  Not even the best sister in the universe knows what really is in my head or heart.  I fake being myself very well.

 

So which way is better?  I think they both suck.  I miss you my friend and I'm sorry you're feeling so confused with life lately.  It is so difficult to figure out who and what we are now.

[canadiangirl]

I don't trust anybody but myself now.  I had no control over what happened to Grant and now I control myself and my life with an iron fist.  Even the people I love and who love me - I trust them with my heart but not to have input in my life or my decisions.  It's a lonely place to be. 

 

I hate to say this, because it's probably not true, but I feel everybody has a motive when they push their opinion,  They may not even be aware of it, but I feel it's true.  Even if the motive is they think or they hope that something will be right for me or make me happy.  The problem with this, nobody really know me anymore.  Not even the best sister in the universe knows what really is in my head or heart.  I fake being myself very well.

 

Beautifully stated, Beyondlife.  I get this 100%.  Totally agree about the motives of others. 

 

((ifonlyIcould)) Here's hoping another dream house will come along, and soon- it IS possible.  And maybe the take-away from that loss is that you are really going to own the next big decision that comes along, which will give you something else you truly desire.

[Virgo]

I think because I've been a stay at home mom for 16 years most of my friends feel that I was solely dependent on my LH and incapable of making sound decisions on my own. Especially when it comes to financial decisions. That's not me. I'm more than capable of managing things on my own. I wish I didn't have to, but I'm more than capable. I take others opinions into consideration, because it is good to get an outside perspective sometimes, but ultimately it's my decision. You just have to do what you feel is best for you and your children (if you have children.)

 

 

 

 

[IfIonlycould]

I gave the "dream house" scenario as an example of how I am more apt to let others influence me than I was before I became a widow.  I am not in a particullarly bad spot right now emotionally but felt like I wanted to toss around the idea of how I seem to let this happen now.  I am capable of managing my life and have been doing so for a long time.  I did not marry my husband until I the age of 37 (met him at 31) so I was quite used to taking care of and making decisions myself.  That is why it comes as such a surprise to me when I let others opinions invade my thought process.  It is something that I attribute to the effect that his death had on my self esteem.  I agree with you Beyond people present their opinions and advice most often from their point of view and desires.  And Canadiangirl, yes, I do feel I need to learn this lesson and own the next big decision so I can get back to getting my dreams met in this life.  Ah widowhood......