Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?

[lcoxwell]

About a year before my Kenneth died, he had lost so much weight, that his ring fell off on the way home from the hospital, on one of our many hospital trips over the years. He was so bothered by the loss of his ring, that I took mine off, so he wouldn't feel quite so bad about it, every time he held my hand. In the last year of his life, I only wore the rings a few times. I haven't worn them again, since his death. For me, the rings would be too painful of a reminder of all I have lost.

[ManutesGirl]

As so many others have said it is an individual decision.  I'm about 3.5 years out.  I wore my wedding & engagement rings on my left hand for a little over two years.  I switched them to my right hand at that point because I had an infinity ring made with DH's & my birthstones which I now where on my left ring finger.  I used wedding money we had set aside to buy a piece of art - it is gorgeous, he wouldn't agree it's a piece of art but I think it is  .  For some people looking at their rings is upsetting but for me my wedding band makes me smile cause it reminds me of all the love we shared.

[merrylea]

Probably 3-4 months after LH died, I started the process of taking them off.  They'd go off, and then come back on, and then go off again.  They then stayed off.  About 7 months after his death, there was a delayed memorial service for him overseas (he was a British expat and many could not make the funeral.)  I brought the rings with me and wore them.  It felt weird on my finger.  I knew then that I was ready to not wear my wedding ring. I no longer felt married.

 

The thought of the rings sitting in my jewelry box forever, however, was distressing. Around the one year mark, I did have the rings repurposed and made into a unique individual pendant.  The feather is now his "symbol" and the jeweler created a beautiful diamond encrusted feather using all the gold and diamonds from my ring.  It's a beautiful reminder of what was, and also what will be as a rebuild my future.

 

-M

[Dahlia]

I took mine off within the first two months for two reasons: first, I heard that many widows felt a fresh sense of grief when they took it off; and second, I heard people nudge you and wink if it is more than a year after the death (as if you are advertising you are sexually available again and not emotionally processing something difficult).

 

I wanted as much despair as possible to happen as soon as possible. I also didn't think people would read it as being available given how fresh everything was.

 

Oddly, men do seem to be reading the absence as an invitation. While it is flattering, it is also highly weird for me and not at all something I am ready for. So, I suggest you be ready for people to think you are available and have a response that is appropriate for your situation.

 

Kimberly

[Brenda]

For me, the reason to move it from one hand to the other was because I knew I wanted to wear it for the rest of my life, regardless of what else may happen to me in the future.

 

For me, the rings would be too painful of a reminder of all I have lost.

 

for me my wedding band makes me smile cause it reminds me of all the love we shared.

 

The thought of the rings sitting in my jewelry box forever, however, was distressing. Around the one year mark, I did have the rings repurposed and made into a unique individual pendant.  The feather is now his "symbol" and the jeweler created a beautiful diamond encrusted feather using all the gold and diamonds from my ring.  It's a beautiful reminder of what was, and also what will be as a rebuild my future.

 

I wanted as much despair as possible to happen as soon as possible.

 

Oh for heaven's sake, thanks for making this sooooooooo difficult!  Every one of you in this entire thread is talking perfect sense, and I've still no idea what to do.

 

I did test something this morning: my wedding ring on my right ring finger, and her wedding ring on my right little finger.  The two could touch; sometimes, when I'm missing her terribly, I'll tap my ring (still on my finger where she put it) against her ring, which I keep in my jewelry box.  I'd love to be able to do that as and when, but still look to the future and have my left hand free.  I miss her like crazy, but I'm young too (or I think I am) - certainly too young to spend the rest of my life mourning a loss over which neither one of us had any control.

 

Sometimes, I wish that the rules for death and grief in western culture were spelled out with a little more rigidity.  I can see how everyone doing what they please works in some cases, but I'm someone who finds the whole process rather stressful and confusing.  Tell me that I have a year to the day wearing black, a year before I'm supposed to take my ring off, a year before I'm supposed to start dating again.  The freedom to figure this stuff out myself is one additional problem I really don't need right now.  (But in a good way...)

[Jess]

 

Sometimes, I wish that the rules for death and grief in western culture were spelled out with a little more rigidity.  I can see how everyone doing what they please works in some cases, but I'm someone who finds the whole process rather stressful and confusing.  Tell me that I have a year to the day wearing black, a year before I'm supposed to take my ring off, a year before I'm supposed to start dating again.  The freedom to figure this stuff out myself is one additional problem I really don't need right now.  (But in a good way...)

 

I have said this so many times!  I am such a "by the book" sort of girl. I love guidelines and rules. This whole experience has been minus rules and I sometimes felt like screaming "Just tell me what to do!" A lack of rules feels like a burden at first, but I have also learned in some ways it was freeing as well. I think that widowhood is one of the only times where it is acceptable to be completely self absorbed (except for caring for children, pets, etc.) and do the things the way our inner voices tell us to. Between therapy and posting and talking to people I have never spent so much time talking about myself in my entire life! Our brains are clever enough to wrap us up in a comfy layer of shock, they are also smart enough to let us know when it is time to take or choose not to take steps.

[Dahlia]

I understand, of course, the desire for some structure. I started seeing a therapist so she could tell me what was right and wrong. Unfortunately, she refused. She suggested I journal my thoughts when I am confused or overwhelmed. I thought it was hippie claptrap, but decided to try it. I now have a journal named Endurance that has all my ramblings, all of my crazy worries, everything; and, it really does help me figure out who I am and what I need.

I, too, had a date for everything in my future, but I realized that I had enough dates to worry over (his birthday, our anniversaries, etc...), so I don't have a date for anything in this process. For me, time has to stop ruling my life, and I have to just listen to my own self on a daily basis.

My therapist told me that relearning who I am as an individual is a great gift, but I saw it was a pain in the ass. It's a lot of work and often uncomfortable. But, I now feel that in the future, I will see this experience as a gift (with much too high of a price tag). And I will do what Scott told me repeatedly to do: let no one but me tell me what is right and what will make me happy. He firmly believed in self-respect, and I always let people guide me. Now, finally, I am getting a handle on captaining my own ship.

I sincerely believe you have the tools to do the same. You have consistently struck me as a truly lovely, intelligent person.

[Silwe]

I moved my ring to my right hand after a month, and took it off at approx. 5 months out. It felt right for me..

[sdarrah1130]

I took all my rings off one night to play softball (as I usually do) but I only put his back on my left middle finger.  This was about 3 weeks ago at 4.5 months out.

 

I am still rubbing my left ring finger

[DavidsKtBeth]

After reading everyone's posts today I realized that I felt like having my ring on made part of me feel like Dave was going to be coming back.  It hasn't even been 2 months yet but I moved my rings to my ring finger on my right hand.  I have been wearing his on my right middle finger since he passed away and I felt this weird weight lifted off my shoulders like it was the first step in truly realizing he isn't coming home.  I felt comfort in seeing his ring next to mine, like it symbolizes me and him.  It's like we are sitting next to each other.  Grant it, I had only been married 26 days and engaged for 5 months before that so I was as used to having it on my hand.  I felt like moving home and seeing people I haven't seen in years I almost had to prove to people I am was married.  Most of them don't even know we got married because we ran away to a court house and kept it a secret until after our friend's wedding.  We had just announced it publicly the week before he passed.   I did replace my rings with my claddagh ring so I do have a little comfort in having that on still.  I can always change my mind.  We'll play it by year I guess.

[Jen]

(((Hugs)))) There's no right or wrong answer. Last year I bought a little amethyst solitaire ring (we never got around to getting an engagement ring) to go with my wedding band, because I felt very strongly that I *needed* it-- no idea why, but I wore them together until New Year's. I was about 8 months out, and on New Year's Eve I suddenly felt just as strongly that it was time to take them off. I put my band with dh's, on a chain that's hung around his urn. I moved the solitaire to my right hand, and it's been there ever since... but I'm starting to question whether it should stay there much longer.

[Captains wife]

I miss wearing my engagement ring - my husband put so much thought and effort into this piece of jewelry. I am now 3 plus years out but I posted on the YWBB board about this in my earlier days. For me, I took the ring off really quickly (a few days after the accident) - it reminded me too much of what happened. But then about 3 or 4 months out, I cant remember exactly now, I put it back on for a while and wore it on my other hand. Then I took it off a few weeks later for a few reasons. Its now sitting in a box, locked away. I am seriously thinking of turning my engagement ring into another ring that looks less like an engagement ring and I would like to start wearing it again. Sorry for all going through this at the earlier stages - it is really hard to take this symbol of marriage off our hands.

[hikermom]

I am seriously thinking of turning my engagement ring into another ring that looks less like an engagement ring and I would like to start wearing it again. Sorry for all going through this at the earlier stages - it is really hard to take this symbol of marriage off our hands.

I plan to do the same thing. My niece is a metal-smith and makes beautiful jewelry. I plan to send her my engagement ring and our two wedding bands to have some other piece or pieces made. Perhaps something for me and something for DD.

 

Taking of my rings was hard. I had all sorts of emotions and thoughts wrapped up in it. Hard ones like how each step like taking off a ring or clearing out clothes took my husband further away from me. Sillier ones like if my in-laws see me without my ring, will they judge me or think I'm dating (which I wasn't!). It was a big step and one that I took multiple times - like CaptainsWife.

 

After it was permanently off, I went on a quest to find some cool artsy ring to wear on my middle finger. Took me over a year but I now have one and I like it. I'm finding new ways of expressing my inner hipster (I'm too old to be a hipster so it has to be inner!!) and that can be freeing in a way. At five months, I was so not ready to build a new me but you do get there.

[Carey]

I guess I have been weaning myself. I started out with my eternity band, my past-present-future and his ring on my left hand. I'd been wearing those three for YEARS.  He couldn't wear his as a jet engine mechanic and it was getting beat up on his keychain. I took to wearing it so then on the weekends or when we were out together it was right there and he could wear it and then put it back on my finger when he went to work.  I actually had to pawn two of them at one point so got used to wearing just my past/present/future. When I got the others back, I gave my daughter the eternity band for graduation and she wears it every day.  I have his ring on my right hand. I did buy a pretty Pandora ring intending it for my left ring finger, but I'm just not there yet.  I don't get why this is so hard for me. It was just there 17 years in one fashion or another, I can't just let it go