OMG Part 2

[Katelsam]

With time often comes clarity. I made the mistake of sleeping with my husband's older brother. I do regret it.

 

My brother in law came over last night. He said he's not getting back with his gf and would like to pursue a relationship with me. I felt sick to my stomach. All this happened out of the blue and it's my fault I was the one that came on to him. I made a mess and I'm so depressed. I told him that we couldn't do it, that I couldn't take the risk of jeopardizing the amazing relationship I have with my in laws. That I was feeling guilty because while I think my brother in law is a great man, I can't help but think about my late husband every time we're together, every time I touch him. In a messed up way it felt like I had my husband back for a brief time. It's just emotionally unhealthy. Truth is, if he wasn't my husband's brother, I know he wouldn't be someone I would date. He looks like my husband, but obviously, he's not. He's not the man I love. This is really messing with my head. He was wonderful about everything and said that he understood why Matt chose me that I'm a beautiful, amazing woman and he wants me to be happy above all else, that I always gave 110%, and deserve that in return, which meant a lot to me. He really is a great man. I love him and I don't ever want to sacrifice the bond we have as family.

 

Everything to do with the opposite sex ALWAYS comes back to my late husband. Granted, this should've never happened. But I do use my late husband as a benchmark because he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know I'm searching and waiting for something that doesn't exist. That is terrifying, isolating, and depressing. It will be two years this year, why isn't this getting any better? I don't want anyone else I only want my husband. I'm not so much comparing as I would be settling. I know how I felt with my husband. How easy it was. The selfless love we shared. They're feelings that I will never forget.

 

I'm scared of my children growing up without a father figure in their lives and I know seeing my brother in law with my daughter was heart warming. Adding alcohol and loneliness to the mix was a recipe for disaster. I feel like I'll be single forever, I'm so hung up on my husband. He was my best friend, my everything. I can't figure out how to move forward without him. It makes me feel guilty for all the time I spend stuck in the past.

 

Just had to vent and cry.

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Do not make yourself sick over this!!!!

 

You have a good head on your shoulders...you are smart and independent. If you think it was a mistake--you are doing the right thing letting him know immediately. Odds are...when he realizes he has no chance with you-he will be back with gf.

 

Being widowed...raising 3 little ones...mixed in with alcohol and his established relationship with the kids?? No wonder you were vulnerable. Hell...if DHs brother would've been hot/nice/good with my kids and I was drunk...I bet I would've slept with him !

 

Luckily....he repulses me...and he wants nothing to do with his niece and nephew.

 

You're fine....you are going to be fine Kate. (((hugs))))

[Lisa]

Sending hugs. please dont beat yourself up. It is admirable that you were able to speak up. Good for you.

[Trying]

I echo, do not beat yourself up over this.  I'm glad he was so understanding and respectful.  Young children, you had a baby, you've started your new job! How on earth could you be ready to open your heart to someone new with all that you have had to deal with.  Your BIL would be the easy answer but you are strong enough to realize that being together may not be for all of the right reasons. 

 

You will love again because you appreciate great love and commitment.  You are an amazing mother because you are not going to make any rash decisions that could affect your children. Your BIL probably sees that his younger brother had it all figured out with the perfect family and wishes it could all be his.

 

It's not to say that there couldn't be something real between you but it's not something to decide on a drunken night.  Take a step back, let the dust settle and be gentle with yourself.

[MissinGrizz]

It sounds like you dealt with this admirably. You also didn't take the easy way out and pick a realty that wasn't truly for you to keep life somewhat similar. I'm impressed that you know yourself so well and spoke up. There's no shame.

[mom66]

I think the second year post loss is the worst.  We realize this has really happened and we have to sink or swim. You still have alot of stuff to process. Be easy on yourself.  It is  so diificult to be an only parent to little ones. If your BIL was truly a one night thing you did right by talking about it and realizing that it is not what you want.

[Mizpah]

But I do use my late husband as a benchmark because he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know I'm searching and waiting for something that doesn't exist. That is terrifying, isolating, and depressing. It will be two years this year, why isn't this getting any better? I don't want anyone else I only want my husband. I'm not so much comparing as I would be settling. I know how I felt with my husband. How easy it was. The selfless love we shared. They're feelings that I will never forget.

 

Oh, hon.  My heart's breaking for you.  (I also misread the feelings behind your last post and was all, "Yay, fun, don't regret it," and I feel badly about that.)  You regret it, BUT you nipped it in the bud, so hopefully it can start receding into the past???  You've been upfront and mature. 

 

I can really relate to this above.  My DH and I were soulmates, and soulmates isn't even something I believed/believe in.  I could've written what you wrote.  Listen, girl, two years is NOT that much time.  Don't pressure yourself.  I think it's clear from what you're saying that you're just not ready (and that is FINE).  (It is also my belief that, if someone finds "the right one," or someone who can be right for you in whatever way, you suddenly become ready, or you want to jump in even if you aren't ready.)  I just started to feel alive again at two years.  I have a bunch of close young widow friends in real life, and a lot of them were even "slower."  My "widow mentor" told me he wasn't "ready" again for SIX YEARS.  I know you want your kids to have a parenting partner, a father figure, and that puts a rush pressure on you.  But there's nothing wrong with you or where you're at. 

 

Why isn't it better yet?  Because an extraordinary man who was your world is gone.  It takes time.  And as someone who was also with someone truly extraordinary and who now lives in the more ordinary world of men and women, it takes a lot of "resigning" yourself to that fact.  Or a lot of luck to find Truly Extraordinary again.  I don't know.  I have no answers, but wanted to lend some support.

[maddalena]

i can't tell from your profile when your husband died.  But i agree with the others, don't beat yourself up. IT sounds like you've found at least, a great ally. Drinking takes away the brakes, so when you're around him, don't drink.

baby steps. and stay true to yourself!