Decisions, gawd decisions

[Helen]

 

Not posted for a while as I have been struggling lots recently and felt like I was just whining but really need my widow friends this evening.

 

I have been praying for change, applying for new jobs and this evening am terrified because I got one. It would mean moving into the middle of the city eventually as the commute would bother me.

 

Change is what I wanted to why now that it looms does it scare me so much that it immobilises me into making a decision. This was our home together, the kids grew up here and it's lovely, but it is also too big.

 

My question to you all is about moving and moving on, have any of you regretted leaving your home together and how did you cope with the process?

[Trying]

(((Helen))) it's so nice to hear from you, congratulations on the job!  Change is terrifying but sometimes we need to be nudged to take that leap (someone here recently said that very wise thing to me).

 

I am preparing to move and downsize so I get the terrified part but can't comment yet on regrets or coping.  I feel great about where we are moving but I can't really think about leaving the home we built together 15 years ago and have so many memories in.  That causes panic that I am putting aside for now. 

 

I wish you luck making the big decision and we can panic together if you want.  Change is scary but this is something you can have control over and it can bring you new opportunities.

[Lisa]

Ive moved twice. Both were down sizes. No regrets.  Change is scary but often necessary.  We will be here to support you.

[Jess]

As someone that is mostly moved into a new, smaller place (minus some straggling possessions I need to go back for), it is a good thing. It's been very emotionally taxing and frankly exhausting, but one of the major bright spots for me has been this community and the wonderful support I have gotten when I've posted about my move. I think I will finally be able to breathe and will feel much less anxious when the old house is emptied of everything, but it's getting there bit by bit.

 

You can do the move. You've got this.

[Guest mawidow]

Helen, wonderful to hear from you. All this change must be so nerve-wracking, but big congratulations to you .

 

I moved twice within 10 months and downdowndownsized. It is hell to do, but I could not feel better about the fresh start. My life feels lighter, less like a mausoleum. Can't say enough good things about moving.

 

sending solidarity xoxo

[Guest mawidow]

PS I just finished reading the novel Nora Webster about an Irish widow (I could not bear to read it earlier, but it is gorgeous). The book describes perfectly the feeling that being out in the world is so strange but being home in one's own bed is just as strange. I agree. After moving, everything feels utterly disorienting, but my own place felt weird and disorienting, too. There is no normalcy for me, so I felt, what the hell? Just move.

[Guest TooSoon]

MAW,  l loved Nora Webster.  I felt it deep, deep in my heart.  Helen, minus the new job (congratulations!),  I am facing similar questions.  I try to rely on quiet mindful time to think it all through in the hope that a path will appear before me.  Mostly, I send support. 

[BrokenHeart2]

Helen, great to hear from you!  Whine away don't back away. Your input is always appreciated.  As for the move from the home you built together, I totally get it.  I'm so struggling with that right now.

Aren't you coming into empty nest too (I think I remember you posting that. Maybe I'm mistaken).  Both are so huge to deal with on top of our grief. Are you happy with the job offer?  Will you get satisfaction with this job?  I know, so much to consider when making such a huge decision.

Prayers and hugs to you.

[lcoxwell]

It is so good to hear from you, and congratulations on the job! Personally, I cannot tell you about my moving experience, as I am in your shoes, at the moment, and find myself in the position of planning an upcoming move. Honestly, I shall be eagerly reading the responses you get here, as you have asked the very questions I wanted to ask.

[Carey]

I had to move less than 3 months after Chad died and it was hell and I hate my house so don't ask me lol. I just would NOT recommend that to anyone but I didn't have a choice, the rent on the house we were in was $975 a month, and also I only had about 69,000 to work with from his death benefit to buy something else, so a doublewide in the country with the cows it is. 

 

Don't get me wrong, sometimes, I do like the "country life".  Id just recommend looking at it from all angles.  There's a lot to be said for a fresh slate.

[HvnBound]

Helen, so wonderful to hear from you! Congrats on the new job!!!  I have not totally moved out yet but am partially moved out and it feels so much lighter now. A long commute is hard so this new job and the possibility of a shorter commute will make you feel better about it I believe. Decisions are hard but each decision we make on our own in this new life, makes us feel stronger and helps make us move forward.

 

Good luck!

[Guest sphoc]

Helen - first off, big gigantic hugs and kudos on the new job. I know that you have been looking for new challenges, and I think this will be a good one for you!  Change always feels scary, even when the change is for the good.

 

I know that my situation is much different from yours, but for what it is worth, moving was for the better for me. I haven't regretted moving at all, and while I'm still trying to sort out my new house, it's been a very good and healing step for me. You won't forget the memories that you built in the house and your kids will be your kids always. I know it can be difficult, but I try to remind myself that things and houses are just stuff. Moving will give you a new opportunity, a little bit more freedom (no worrying about tending to the garden!), and I think you will take the challenge of this new job and run with it and do really well with it.

 

xx

[luvmy2babies]

We moved in March.  Kids were 11 and 5.  My daughter turned 12 about a month later.  They had not lived anywhere else.  A snippet from the blog post I wrote on it.

 

I mean it makes sense going from two working people to one just after adding a second child was bound to cause some financial adjustments.  Add to it the fact that at times I just didn't have my head together to make the decision I should have and I really had little room for error. 

 

Our home became a weight I could not carry alone.  I made the most sense to find a new one that would be easier to care for and more affordable.  But after being in the same home for nearly 15 years making the transition was like a shock to my system.  And the question of whether I should stay and fight to keep it ran through my head all the way through the first two months after the move.  Some days I think of the other house and it just feels like another loss, one more thing taken from me. 

 

But I realized this move was a gift in some ways.  See, when I walk around our new home, a cute little town house in the same area, there's no traumatic memories in any room.  It's not my husband's house, it's mine and the children and in several ways, we brought him with us.  I realized I had fought a fight; but it wasn't necessarily a good one.

 

My only regret was that I couldn't do it sooner.  I also regret I was unable to sell it.  It had to go back to the bank.  Fortunately my name wasn't on the loan, which was part of the issue.  When it became too much to manage; the mortgage company would not work with me and lost the paperwork I sent on dh's death several times. 

 

I came to the conclusion we just weren't meant to stay there.  It was old, many things either were not working well or not at all and some of the issues made for very high utility bills.  I didn't get the insurance money so I couldn't really do what needed to be done.  An investor wanted the house; but because of the issue with the name on the loan, it didn't work out. I will say I had some traumatic times in the house caring for my husband.  He also died in the house.  Still it was hard to let it go.

 

The new house is smaller.  It's a town house in a neighborhood where yard maintenance is included in the home owner's fees.  Yard maintenance was another issue.  It is much newer and everything works.  My water bill alone dropped almost 90% and my 5 year-old can finally have the privilege of nightly baths with toys instead of quick showers and sink baths I gave him to try to save money.  The electric bill is about 30% lower and I no longer even have a gas bill.  All of this was fortunate because a month after the move, my minivan went and I had to get another one.

 

It's tough.  My daughter had a difficult time at first and my son is still adjusting.  Add to it because of weather delays (ice storms here) the move didn't happen when I planned and we ended up spending our first night there on the 5th anniversary of dh's death.  But am I glad we did it.  I'm incredibly glad we did it.  My 12 year-old is already making plans for the money we are saving though Lord help us.

 

I hope all goes well.  Congratulations on your new job.

[Helen]

 

I can't thank you all enough for the advice and encouragement, this is such a wonderful community and I feel honoured to be part of it. Reading the responses here reminded me that I am not alone and that so many of you understand the pain each stage of moving on causes, you all really did help so much.

 

I made the decision by separating the issues some in my head, taking the job, I will initially commute. Now this one is made I feel myself getting ready for selling the family house, which still feels huge, but I can feel the ties holding me here being cut. My plan will be to begin the new job in August, get the 2 weddings out of the way (child #1 and child #4) then contemplate selling.

 

One step at a time I think.

[lcoxwell]

One step at a time....

 

This has become my new motto, and the only way I survive without a mental breakdown, some days.

[DansSoulmate]

Hi, I just wanted to add my congrats and wish you well in your new job as well as the decisions in moving forward that you will make on your own timeline.  I currently have my house on the market, am decluttering like crazy, crying alot in the process when I run across momentos/pictures but am staying strong through it all.  My advice is to take it one step/day at a time as I hadn't factored in the amount of work it takes to get a house ready for sale while continuing to struggle to keep it maintained.  Best of luck to you!