Big mistake

[injo]

I came home from a holiday for which a couple I know for years invited me to come along. They knew dh as well, she is my friend and they practically saw him die. Not once during those 8 days they asked me how is was doing without dh. I sat between them and other couples while they were discussing how many years they were married, joking about eachothers husbands and wife's, etc. and I felt so terribly alone.  I got home and for the first time our cat wasn't there to welcome me(I had to put him down in april), they know about that too! I know I'm being sensitive but I always thought they really cared. Guess I was wrong.

I'm so sad and tomorrow is my weddinganniversary(which everybody has "forgotten" too).

I know everyone moves on with their life, I hardly talk about dh anymore irl, I just didn't expect it from these "friends"! After 2 years and 3 months out another lesson learned I suppose. Does it ever stop?

 

 

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry they hurt you with their seeming disregard.  I think, though, and I hate to defend DGIs and the people who hurt widows, that it's not that they don't care, but more that they don't know how to show that they care, and maybe think that bringing it up will upset you or be a reminder of sadness.  I think "they" don't get that, even far out, we think about it often and it's always with us.  As for anniversaries, I never expect anyone to remember them, and I never remember anyone else's. 

 

I think the hard thing is what you say: "I hardly talk about DH anymore."  We hardly bring them up, others hardly inquire, and the past fades into the past.  It's one of the "gift that keeps on giving" aspects of loss - even after the rawness leaves, there is the sadness that they get further and further into the past and as we continue in the land of the living, they are more and more absent.

[Jen]

((((((((INJO)))))))))

 

I'd like to think the best of people, and be reasonably certain they weren't consciously trying to be thoughtless and hurtful, but unfortunately, widding has made me incredibly cynical and pessimistic about people and their motivations. I'm so, so sorry. They should have acknowledged your dh and the hole his passing left in your life. I find more and more that a kind of amnesia seems to set in, even with friends and family who should remember. Guess it's a protective thing, but it hurts like hell.

 

(((((HUGS))))))

 

 

[Mizpah]

I really don't think they forget.  I think our culture/social scene is so scared of awkwardness, of anything that's a "downer," so PC, that people are afraid of saying things that aren't surface-y and easy.  I'd be willing to bet that these couples, at least some of them, had conversations together alone just the two of them about DH and about you being on their own.  I think people just don't know how to act. 

[maddalena]

oh that really sucks. what a bunch of insensitive dolts.  GEEZ people...

[anniegirl]

I am sorry this happened to you. It sucks.

 

One thing I've learned that no one is going to bring up LH unless it's me. And I mean no one. And most people are uncertain of what to do when I do bring him up.

 

Even my husband, who is widowed himself, mostly just listens.

 

It's one of those sad realities that at nearly ten years on, I simply accept anymore.

 

So when I feel like bringing him up, I do, and others' reactions are simply theirs to deal with though I have yet to have anyone react negatively.

 

I would say that if you want to talk about him - do. It's a pretty normal thing to reminisce. Maybe your bringing him up will spark others to share too.

[lcoxwell]

I am so sorry this happened and you were hurt. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom or words of kindness to make you feel better, and I don't. Others can say things so much better than I can, at times. I just wanted you to know I read this, and that I am truly sorry.

[canadiangirl]

((injo)) Joining in to say I get it, and it sucks.  I feel this strong need occasionally to say:  He was real!  He existed!  He cared about life!  Let's talk about him! 

and then I get sucked into another (normal) small talk conversation about something that doesn't really matter to me.

[Shawn823]

Injo: I too understand this pain. I talk about DH whenever he crosses my mind during conversations with others, whether they are people who new him and loved him dearly or people who didn't. For me, he is so much a part of me that talking about him is the natural thing to do. If it makes others uncomfortable, so be it. I no longer expect others to remember anniversaries that are important to me. I have 4 sisters and I really can't remember their anniversaries so I don't get too bummed out when others don't remember mine, but talking about him and including him--their discomfort never stops me. I think seeing my comfort in remembering him without falling apart makes it more comfortable for them. And I have no hesitation in lightheartedly pointing out how lucky it is to still have the one you love by your side, hugs to you.

Shawn

[injo]

  He was real!  He existed!  He cared about life!  Let's talk about him! 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Guess that's what I mean, for them it has become "normal" to see me without him, for me it will always seem unreal!

 

Thanks for understanding, as always.......

 

[Trying]

(((Injo)))  that must have been hard to be among all,of this couples and none even mentioning you DH. And coming home to an empty house is always the worst part, and without you cat there to comfort and greet you adds to the loneliness.

 

I find some people avoid bringing him up and if I do they may say something like " I didn't want to bring him up and make you sad". As if someone one saying his name would be like " ohhh I forgot all about having a dead husband until you said his name!" Seriously people, we think about them all the time weather you say his name or not.

 

I have another group of friends who can go to the opposite extreme and give me the head tilts and "How are you and the boys, really?" constantly and want to do nothing but tell stories about DH and their own grief journey.  Sometimes it's great to have someone to remember with but other times I want to go out because I need a distraction and want to have fun.

 

I think being my friend can be a no win situation at times. 

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, injo. I'm so sorry for the sadness your trip brought, as well as your husband not being here to celebrate your anniversary together. I understand that others don't know whether it is best to mention our spouses, etc. but that understanding doesn't it make it hurt any less. It reinforces the sense of loss. 

 

I generally will just talk about my husband myself. Sometimes I know it makes those I'm with uncomfortable, but I figure they can handle it for the short while we're together. After being a couple from the time I was 16, I don't have many life experiences that didn't include him. I'd have very little to contribute to the conversation if I am not allowed to mention my husband as he was an integral part of my life.

 

It must have been even harder coming home and not having your cat there. It sucks that now even things that should be (and can be) fun such as vacations always have the bittersweet elements of loss accompanying them.

 

Sending you love and more hugs...

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

I am one that thinks there are very few people who "don't get it."  I think there are *tons* of people who don't know what to say, don't know what to do, or are so freaked out about the concept of death and dying that they are willing themselves to not think about it at all.

 

I had a divorced colleague very anxious to re-couple:  all she talked about was how awful it was to live alone, what if she got sick, what if she slipped and fell, who would know, who would call for help, who would take care of HER?  Even before I was widowed, i saw flaws in her logic:  Was her partner going to be home 24/7?  And what if (Heaven forbid) it was he who needed help?  Or got sick?  Or slipped on the steps to the hot tub?

 

No one wants to think about this.  In North American culture, we accept that really old people pass away: our grandparents, the church choir leader, that teacher we had in fourth grade.  As young widows, WE were hit upside the head with someone our age dying, and not just anyone, our life partner.  It stinks, and we HAVE to deal with it.  Other people have the opportunity to see our experience and either incorporate it into their consciousness, or not. 

 

If you think about it, people ignore facts every day.  Young people marry alcoholics knowing their partners drink too much, [marry someone in debt with no plan to change, heck marry someone in prison] but say to themselves, "He'll change, I don't have to deal with that." 

 

We don't have any choice BUT to deal with reality.

[Ursula]

Injo ,I am sorry you came home feeling like this to an  empty house. It sucks. I believe your friends just did not know how to say it , and yes, surely they talked about you between themselves. They just cannot imagine what this is like. Especially when they talk about their partners, the future, things they did with their partners. They are so much inside life, as we are out.

I am usually the only one who brings up A in a conversation. Apart from people who tend to ask uncomfortable questions. I mention him as naturally as possible. I also talk with our son about him. I want to keep him in our lives. I think that is very uncomfortable for some people. It takes guts to face the dead and I believe few people do actually have them.

Friends are a weird thing.

Maybe you should find a cat again, they are such great and comforting company.