Hospice Day

[mikeeh]

Maybe there will come a time when June is just June.  Every day of June won't be that day in that year when that thing happened.  I guess in my case if that ever happens it will take more than two years.

 

On this day, June 14th two years ago was her last day in our house. That was the day my care giving failed and her illness had progressed to far and they took her from our house for the last time to go to a hospice facility where they could administer stronger painkillers and have her under closer supervision.

 

Soon 'that day' will be the second anniversary of the day she died.  I almost don't know if that day will be worse than this one.  All the uncertainty of how long she had and how much longer I would have her seemed to be answered.  No more fooling yourself about weeks, months, years.  One they go to hospice it is pretty much over and that is what this day is to me.  The day I could no longer help her.  The next time I came back in this house it would be without her, forever.

 

I guess June isn't just June yet.  It is still the crappiest month of the year. 

 

Mike

 

 

[injo]

Mikeeh, I can relate. The day DH was rushed to the hospital I knew our lives would never be the same, he never came back, 4 days later he died.

I can't imagine how it must feel when you already know your spouse is never coming back. Seems to me you took care of her as long as you possibly could!

 

((hugs))

 

[SoVerySad]

Tight, tight hugs, Mike. It doesn't sound like your care-giving failed, but rather her pain increased to the point she needed professionals to keep her as comfortable as possible due to the type of medication required. I'm very sorry both of you had to go through that difficult time period and that it still hurts so much to remember.

 

More hugs...

[Trying]

(((Mikeeh)))

As this time passes I hope you can go back to remembering happier days in earlier years together, until then I wish you peace. 

[Max2507]

Its so hard to relive those events but please know you didn't fail her.

[hachi]

((Mike))  Been doing this same thing, going on year 3.

 

Maybe next year June will be just June. I will continue to hope so. 

[Jen]

((((Hugs)))) Wishing you peace... I can't add anything helpful, but I hear you.

[lcoxwell]

I hope that the time will come when June will just be June for you, too; and I am so sorry that June is such a difficult time for you, now. Please know, you didn't fail your wife. Her needs reached a point, where medically, she needed something that only a medical facility could provide. From what I know of you through your previous posts (which clearly show you truly love your wife), I am certain you did everything you possibly could for her, and I am certain that she knew that, too.

 

I almost don't know if that day will be worse than this one.  All the uncertainty of how long she had and how much longer I would have her seemed to be answered.  No more fooling yourself about weeks, months, years.  One they go to hospice it is pretty much over and that is what this day is to me.  The day I could no longer help her.  The next time I came back in this house it would be without her, forever.

 

^^^This truly spoke to me. I remember so clearly the day we called in hospice. Like you, that was the day I KNEW that the moment doctors had warned us about for years, the moment he had narrowly escaped for so long, was truly going to happen. The uncertainty that had shadowed us for so long, was suddenly gone, and reality was sinking in. Less than a week later, he was gone. (((Hugs)))

 

[jlp]

Mikeeh, I am so sorry.  In just over a week (the 24th) will be the one-year anniversary of my husband being admitted to hospice.  "Fortunately," I was able to manage his pain and keep him at home -- though he was gone in just over a week.  It's painful and there's no two ways about it.

[Lisa]

I hate June. It was a sudden death but regardless I am pretty miserable from before mothers day every year. Some years worse than others. Im tryingbto stop judging myself over it. Im very sorry  and wish you moments of peace

[mikeeh]

Thank everyone,

 

I know intellectually that it wasn't my failure but it is still hard to not think of it as a failure when they had to take her from me.  I tried as hard as I could to go through this with her.  It was always 'we' have chemo, 'we' have a Dr appointment.  Them taking her from me took me out of the process and it was not longer 'we'. 

 

It was nice being part of a 'we', especially during the better days.  And as I find now being a part of a 'we' even in the worse days is better than being a 'me' now.

 

So I don't really beat myself up too much about the failure. Only in the deepest wallowing session do I draw from the sense of failure that I felt when the nurse told me they had to take her away.

 

I set a personal goal that I would finally take off my ring after 2 years.  Now I am thinking it may be too much to deal with.

 

 

[Jen]

If it's not the right time to take off your ring, leave it where it is. There's nothing at all wrong with that. ((((hugs))))

[lcoxwell]

So much of what you said just seems to resonate with me right now - even down to knowing intellectually that you didn't fail, yet during the deepest days of despair still feeling as though you did. I feel this sometimes, too.

 

I agree with Jen. There are no set rules about the ring; and even if you set a personal goal, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind. If it brings you any sense of peace or comfort at all, feel free to leave it right where it is.