Julester3

I ironically met NG’s ex at a funeral as well. I was polite and then I kept to myself as I was working the hospitality suite for NG’s family. NG’s grandmother had died. The ex brought her parents as well. I opted not to meet them however. I’ve run into her at NG’s house a few times as she’d be late picking the kids up. I may or may not acknowledge her because she’s there for the kids not me. I’m polite and chime in when asked. I’ve decided that my focus is NG not her. I’d like to have a better relationship with the kids as much as NG would allow me to. I totally try to sell how cool and generous that I can be but that’s my natural self anyways. I want to be an added positive bonus to their lives because I am in their dad’s life but not take over because they have a mom.

I think that is a good solution placing his items somewhere else if you have the space. I actually redid our bedroom a bit and it helped me tremendously. I rearranged furniture, bought a new bed frame, and new sheets. I have his dresser still and some of his items in the closet but it didn’t bother me so I didn’t move them.

Most widows and widowers I know did this in their own time and when they had the desire to. Few purge so quickly unless their situation has a short timeline so they are forced to. I purged and donated items I knew he meant to get rid of when he had time the summer after he passed. My kids currently have comfort wearing his T-shirts and hoodies. It’s been 3 years for us and we are now ready to sort what we want to keep. We plan to donate the rest to a men’s homeless shelter. I took some shirts out of the laundry immediately when he passed away and bagged them so when I was in a low place, I could smell him and have that little comfort. I needed that much that first year.

The answer is yes. Unfortunately in many situations, children get nothing at all in these situations especially if the surviving parent or guardian is an irresponsible adult and they use it for themselves, not the children. I have heard many heartbreaking stories. The only way for the courts to control that a surviving child gets anything when there is no will in these cases is in this manner. I own half my house and my girls each own a quarter. If I want to refinance or sell, I have to pay them out. I’d have to set up a real estate trust for the minor. I’d have to pay out my older child as she’s already 19. At at least you didn’t have to post probate for 18 months as is the rule where I live to hear this outcome like I did.

Everything is going well here with NG. It’s all a matter of making the time for one another since we have our own homes and our own kids to raise. I’m working on creating more instances for his kids to come over to my house with him and have fun and positive experiences. I know we’ve started to make loose plans where we’d like to travel and do things together but it’s matter of logistics, mostly related to his own logistics with his kids and his equal custody. The relationship is progressing at a comfortable rate.

This tragedy is terrible. My thoughts go to the family.

We each did our own one on one with a counselor. I did just a grief counselor for a few sessions to help me understand things. My eldest did a teen counselor with specialty dealing with grief snd then switched to a general. My youngest did a general teen counselor. I chose according to our needs and by personality fit. We also do monthly group as a family. It’s a chance to share and possibly help others. Our family group is Willowhouse but it’s based here in Illinois. It’s format is similar to Gilda’s Club.

It will get easier. That perspective is very helpful. I also think about what LH would want for us and I know we are now succeeding and doing well. I will tell you that our ability to cope without him was quite slow at coming at first but with therapy and counseling and talking and being open and honest to one another has been good for us.

I remember our first trip without LH and it was fine at first. It was an adventure for me and the girls to travel together and we did well. The girls shared a room and my bed was so large and empty without LH to cuddle with me. That was hard. Also bring in place he would have enjoyed was hard as well. I took the trip one day at a time, hour by hour and did my best to relax and take it easy. No exact advice to give but just keep breathing and try to absorb the positive things you can get from the place where you are like sunshine, warm weather, or a beautiful view. Hugs!

I said it first. It was about 8 months into the relationship. I know NG has issues because of his divorce. I don’t feel like I betrayed LH because my brain knows he can’t come back but I do know he’s always with me. Love for me is not a set amount. It grows so I know I am capable of giving love where I choose. NG earned my love his own way just as LH earned my love so many years ago in his. NG felt bad he couldn’t return the words instantly but I assured him it was okay. His own drama and hesitancy was from his failed marriage and from his own mother leaving his dad. His dad raised NG and his sister. I know NG needs consistency and stability and I can provide that infinitely. I’m patient and he was able to return the sentiments to me a few weeks after I did. All is well.

I plan to make a quilt for each of my girls when they are ready. Right now they get some comfort wearing his shirts and hoodies and I’m fine with that. There are good services that do these custom works out there for quilts, pillows, or stuffed animals if you are a person who doesn’t sew or doesn’t have the time to.

I’m happy for you! It’s hard to get out there. It took me a bit over a year to make any effort.

Congrats to you and your son! This is a huge milestone. Definitely a sucky proposition for our kids to hit these achievements minus a parent to root them on but it is still a testament how strong and successful they are nevertheless.

I tried to keep my mind busy so it wouldn’t wander and make me cry mostly. I’d watch tv and crochet at the same time. Listen to music so the house wasn’t silent and then clean things. I’d sit in my hobby room and work in there because it didn’t remind me of my husband. It was my space. It was trial and error for me. The kids went back to school after a week so that kept them busy. They used music and tv as well to fill the silence while they did homework.

I cried when I got the death certificate. It just reminds you that it really truly happened. Since I was waiting on a full autopsy by the county, I had to wait 90 days to get it so I had to wait 90 days to do any business at all. That sucked. You need to assess exactly what was in his name and find out what the laws are in your state. My husband had no will either however the house and cars were in his name. The cars were easy if you have the title or liens for the titles. I did a small estate affidavit and had to go to the DMV and pay for the transfers. The house however had to go through probate court and where I live you have to wait like 18 months after presenting at court to be sure there is no other possible person to stake a claim but yourself. Our accounts that had his name on it, I was able to change over by going to an office or bank. Just make a list and go through it. Then it will seem less overwhelming. Wait on the bank account last in case any check comes in his name so you can deposit it. I closed all his credit cards and I sent a death certificate to the credit bureaus so no one can use his SS or credit to purchase or open any accounts. Also don’t forget to go to social security for SSI benefits for your kids. They are eligible until they graduate high school. If they turn 18 before they graduate, they just need to turn in a form from the high school their intent to graduate so you can keep receiving SSI until they graduate. You can do this. It’s hard but just take it one task at a time.

I waited 3 weeks. I used a week giving the girls time and support before having them go back to school so they could finish their school year. I liked being home for them in those early days since LH worked from home often and would be home already when they got home from school. I also needed the time to process and come to terms initially as I was in shock still. I eventually needed the distraction work could provide on a daily basis and honestly we needed the health insurance I could provide if I worked full time. When I was in a poor triggered state at work, I simply shut my door and waited until I could collect myself. Thank goodness I have an office with a door! I cried plenty the year of firsts while I was at work but I bounced back better being in an environment with people around than I would have sitting in an empty house by myself.

I am sorry for your loss. You need time to process as it is still so early and fresh for you. Many of us know how you feel. My own husband died of a heart attack nearly 3 years ago and he was only 40 years old, 5 weeks short of his 41st birthday. My girls were 12 and 16 when he passed. I used my energy on them the most and then worked on myself. We are now a stronger family unit with redefined rules and boundaries. Read through the site and process. I found that so helpful. Vent whenever you need to. We are good listeners. Hugs to you today!

Just returned from spring break trip with the kids. I'm recovering in bed!

Hugs to you. I’m sorry you are joining us here. It’s hard to keep it all together and moreso with your anxiety and depression to compound things and make life more challenging for you. I hope you have support around you or people to lean on. If you haven’t tried yet, have you considered family grief counseling? It could you help you as a family unit. Please read through and vent as you need. Sometimes it’s hard to talk to people but it’s easy to read our stories and feel a sense of kinship and understanding.

Strength and hugs for you today! It will be hard.

It sounds like you have had your hands full. Have you done a full neuropsych evaluation? My eldest had a huge episode of PTSD about a year after her dad died. She was 17. It put her high school years in jeopardy and she went through so much trying to “handle” it herself. She skipped classes, her grades dropped, she wasn’t sleeping well, she was drastically moody. This eval takes all day and it a battery of several tests. It would help you figure out areas to focus. It’s best done with a team your child hasn’t seen so it’s non-biased. We went to a different group than my daughter usually sees. Her issues went beyond grief and when it was addressed and we started medication, she slowly got better. It’s exhausting. The driving, the appointments, the discussions, the emotions, the tears. I maintained my position to be consistent. I told her I can’t fix you. You need to fix yourself. I can only give you the tools and help you need. I can be your rock but you have to do the work and decide to get better. It’s heart breaking and hard but I think for us, it worked. Good luck to you! Hugs!

I’m 3 years out and my outlook is totally much better now. I try to maintain a more optimistic approach to everything, be positive, and look for the silver linings. Yes my kids are thriving. I can watch a movie and laugh. I can listen to music and sing along rather than cry. I can look at his picture and my heart isn’t throbbing in pain. Can I plan my future? Not so much yet. I need to work on that and I get that and I don’t punish myself for not knowing. Just be there for your kids and be honest with them. You can find your happiness with any combo of hobbies, friends, volunteering, personal projects, your kids, extended family, etc. You can date when you are ready. Just be mindful of your timetable and work in your own pace and what works for you. One thing at a time and don’t let these things make you feel too overwhelmed.

You definitely won’t like Chicago right now. Polar vortex levels of cold with negative degree wind chill. It’s unpleasantly cold. Come on spring! Hurry! Seriously, we all can only take so much garbage before snapping! Hugs nevertheless.

You have really been dealt a poor hand so to say and that sucks and it’s totally not fair. Is there anything we can do? I’m near Chicago.

I’m so sorry Christina. It sounds like you have a coping skill that helps you get through the day but I agree I think you need to just get it out and have that good cry. It hurts like hell but the pressure and relief is so much better than bottling it in. Therapy for an outlet would be a good idea. Also don’t try to rush it. You are aware of what you feel needs to be done but actual processing in your head and heart of the grief and loss takes time that varies for everyone. Hang in there! Hugs today.