Julester3

I also journaled to my LH. A lot in my first year. I typed it out in an ongoing word document. It's nearly a book. It really helped me work out my feelings and problems and made me feel better. I'm 2 1/2 years out and write once in awhile now.

Almost seems similar to my experience. I am sorry you are here with us. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you are doing okay today. Hugs!

Our homecoming is next week. It's all Disney themed. Monday is sleeping beauties so wear your pjs. Tuesday is movie themed and my kid has LILO and Stitch. Wednesday is wear Disneyland/world stuff. Thursday is color and my kid has Finding Dory blue. Friday is school spirit wear. My daughter hasn't decided if she wants to go to the dance yet.

Totally narcissistic behavior. You can do nothing for people who are like this. They automatically do it and deny it when you face them with it. I tend to steer clear and be vague with them when I have to interact with them.

Hugs to you today. Thanks for sharing the perspective.

My older daughter did marching band too. I stood proudly by her alone last year in the senior recognitions. It was wonderful for her but we knew it was bittersweet. She tends to pocket her grief more so than not but she has small moments when she needs to let it out.

My poor daughter! She's been working hard and doing well transitioning to high school. She's doing both tennis and marching band this fall and is quite busy. It's been almost 2 1/2 years since her dad died and she's been doing well dealing her grief but today she came undone. After performing at a band competition today and doing a tremendous job, I went down the stands to tell her she did a great job but the look on her face was not of fatigue or happiness or even of just relief that it was over, it was the unmistakable look of trying to hold back the grief. I simply asked her what's wrong and she said, "Daddy's not here to see this." I gave her a hug and said, "You know if you cry, I'll have to cry too." All one can do in that moment is to hold her and let it pass. So we sat there for a long moment and I let her cry.

I think writing it out seriously helps. I wrote a lot in the beginning and it helped me sort things in my head. I hope you keep reveling in the little daily victories and you can help sort out your grief and feelings with your therapist. Hugs today.

I was NG free all weekend. He had his kiddos and I was busy anyhow. My youngest turned 15 yesterday so she had celebrations with her friends Sunday and with family yesterday. My best friend is moving several states over in 2 weeks so we were at her house on Saturday helping her purge items. Said items are now in my house so I'm going to try to pay it forward to anyone who may need things. I miss my guy but I'm happy I can move about my business. I'm not going to pine over who has more time or who can be more flexible. I'd like more time with him but we're simply busy people each with responsibilities, jobs, and kids. It's what it is! Good thing we're both on the same page on this or it'd be an issue. Random convo though about my wedding anniversary coming up - I explained I don't know how I'll be but I might be anxious or tuned out but not to take it personally. This will be my first anniversary where I'm in a relationship. I don't know how I'll be but I won't lie: the last 2 years sucked. I cried and I was in a black hole of sadness. I'm in a good place now but triggers can hit you any time, any where. He told me his wedding anniversary from his ex was 3 days before mine. We can be together those days and not be sad over this time frame. We are in a good place together and we can get through it. Replace the sad and regret with goodness. I'm all for trying for that.

Sending some positivity your way for some good news in your job search! That tuition break would be awesome!

I have to agree with SS. When I started dating, I knew that to expect another man to live up to my LH was impossible. I would fail at dating if I had kept to such an expectation. My NG initially worried about it and I had to assure him, I was attracted to him for his own merits and personality. My LH is gone and I have to move forward. All I know is he would want me to find someone who can love me for me and respect me, period. In reflection, I could imagine my LH honestly liking NG as a person.

NG and I have decided to enjoy the now and be exclusive. Neither of us are ready for more than that with us each having kids, households, and careers to manage. He has the added complication with his joint custody of the kids with his ex. Do I wonder what could happen next? Yes, I do. I have no clue though because we'd have to hash out many details and our conversations don't really go in that direction. However, I'm no longer a fan of planning too far ahead. I blame widowhood for ruining that for me. I have a distinct hesitation and fear of it. I also don't know what I am and am not willing to do or sacrifice. I sit here and I do recognize I care for this man and I do want him to be in my life. I plan to be patient and supportive for him and we can discuss more further down the line if it comes up but for now, it's enough.

You are going in the right direction. Half our battle is also understanding and recognizing the skills we lack/lost in our partnerships and how to compensate. You'll find a rhythm that works. Sometimes creativity and thinking outside the box helps. Keep a positive outlook, be patient even if you want to dig a hole and hide, you'll get there! It's not a race so definitely be gentle on yourself and shrug off the plans that don't work for you and your family. Hugs!

SW I totally hear you on people being clear on their status. There was a guy once that really piqued my interest and he was flirty, cute, and down to earth but said something that my gut didn't like. I can't recall the exact phrase. Also he advertised as divorced but seriously the verb tense he talked about his "ex" was suspicious. When I kept on him, he admitted he wasn't divorced but downhill. His marriage was bad, it was her, blah, blah, blah. Not the same damn thing. You are either married or not but don't advertise single or divorced when you really are not. I cut that one out. I'm not the cheating, side woman type.

I hosted a wedding at my house for a good friend of my husband's and his fiancée. He would have been proud of me.

I think I am okay with moving on because I view it as progressing in a direction. The phrase I hate is "getting over." You never have to get over it but you have to accept it so you can empower yourself to move on. Hugs to you. My first 3 months were terrible but I pulled through because if I was not well, it effected my kids. You need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time and reflection. Only you can determine what you need and no recovery is exactly the same. I needed to find peace and calm. I needed to find my individual identity since I was changed. I needed to learn to identify and reorder what my goals and priorities now were. It wasn't until I found these things and figured them put that I knew needed a person for me and realized my LH wouldn't want me to live the rest of my life without affection. Hugs to you. Be gentle to yourself and keep going. We are all works in progress - just traveling in different paths, at our own paces.

We are doing fine. I'm still with the same NG. We're trying to keep making sure we make time for one another. It's challenging when we're both juggling kids, school for said kids, work schedules, and volunteer commitments. We're both waiting for our online subs to run out. His ended because he was doing shorter term. Mine is ending end of September.

I feel it depends on your life situation, how you've dealt with your grief, and if you feel you want a relationship. For myself, I initially didn't want to date but as time progressed and I understood myself, my needs, and what I would want, I was open to try. Please note I never dated as an adult. My LH was my high school sweetheart. I never had to date to find companionship. I started dating at 1 year after LH passed to understand how modern dating works. I mistakingly thought being open minded and giving every guy a fair chance was a good thing. It wasn't. Men felt it was an opportunity for free unattached sex or to find a way to take advantage of you. One guy even asked me for money thinking I may be loaded with insurance money. Ew. I learned how to be much more specific in what I wanted and what was important in a man and what I would and would not compromise. I felt online dating would work best for me. I found free sites didn't work because of what I mentioned so I switched to a paid site with filters you can customize. I did take breaks here and there in my journey because it's all very mind blowing or overwhelming at times. The good old news is I started dating a gentleman earlier this year in late January and we have since committed to one another. We are happy and we are figuring things out. It can be complicated since he's divorced with young kids and I have 2 teenagers, one in high school and the other in community college. We sort of are in different stages in our parenting so we are content in just enjoying one another. Is he anything like my LH? He is a different personality. Yes, he's kind, brunette, and likes Star Wars but that's about it. I've assured him I don't compare him to my LH. I love him for him. I'm grateful for the time I had with LH but I require love and affection and hugs and intimacy. So that's how I felt I was ready. Sorry this got long.

You need a family meeting. You've already integrated and the kids seem old enough that they can do more than they are already doing. You went from no kids to kids and that is hard transition no matter how old they happen to be but you should not be a slave. You have classic overworked mom syndrome. I have been there and it sucks and you get bitter and angry. The only thing to do is have a family meeting and let them know you are overwhelmed and need help. It's for the good of the family unit and you have become a family unit because you are already integrated. For those picky eaters, have them make dinner once a week. For chores, divide and conquer. Rotate chores that people detest so it's fair. You should not be so miserable in your own home and these girl are old enough to help. Hugs and good luck. Vent as much as you need to!

Hugs to you. You have been on a long roller coaster and you just were able to get off of it. I am sorry you lost your husband but glad it was in a way he wanted and that his pain is over. Definitely pull a brave strong face for your kids but also don't be afraid if you need to cry or break down in front of the them. Yes, it will distress them but it's healthy and normal and the. you can talk it with them to help them understand how you feel. I found trying to maintain routines for them helped everyone in the long run. The memorial can be what you want and what you and your children need for closure. There is no wrong or right way, just what works for you. Hugs again and vent and talk all you want. We are here to listen.

Hugs! I can easily imagine that feeling.

So I've met NG's beloved grandmother and sister. Sterling reports from what I can gather. I'm not the type to ask honestly. Just need to meet his mother yet and the kids. He's been actually discussing me with his kids more and interjecting me in conversation so hopefully we can try before school starts up. My girls talk him up but are still too shy to engage him in one on one conversation. They will warm up. It takes time to get over that anxiety. They like him though because he makes me happy and is good to me. NG has an outpatient procedure today and is nervous. He decided to let his mom drive him and hang out with him today. He's afraid of he will lose his pride and man card in case recovery is hard and I'm actually there. I was honest and told him that was why I didn't have him come over when I was recovering from my hysterectomy. No sane person wants to be seen at their worst and most vulnerable in this stage of their relationship! We'll see how he feels this weekend.

Sorry for your loss. Sudden deaths are hard because I find we try to think of what could have been done to prevent them. The answer is honestly nothing because we can't control it. Just thinking of you, Shayla. Sounds like you're still in that shocked, numb phase where you are still processing the events and life just seems surreal. Telling people, "okay" is absolutely fine. It's a generic answer, it's a polite answer, and for some of us, we don't know where we are on the scale of how we truly feel on any given day. I spent a lot of time in the beginning making sure my kids were okay and processing so they could move forward. Then I worked on myself and made us work like a team so we can check and balance one another since we became a family of 3, an odd number. I used some help in the beginning but ended up wanting to us to learn to be better self sufficient so pretty much never used any offers after my decision was made. It's great when offers are genuine but also don't feel like you need to if you don't want to.

Ditto SadSue! I often equate my life to a soundtrack of music I listened to through the years. I can't stand silence so I listen to music especially in the car and some songs trigger me and I'm reduced to tears. Some other songs I feel are signs from my LH knowing this is the easiest way to reach me and tell me I'm doing a good job. Usually they are one of small group of songs that are rarely played on the radio anymore but was significant to us.

Cbbi- my kids do love work stories for some reason and they know my coworkers by name and their quirks. They find it fascinating for some reason! When they would be off from school, they'd sometimes go with me to work and hang out in my office. People would spoil them and entertain them when they knew they were with me. They also love going to the Italian deli and restaurant nearby for chicken parm and tiramisu so yes, they do like me working!