Julester3

This was our first time trying to navigate the holidays as a dating couple. We decided to spend the Saturday, the 22nd, together with our kids. We had pizza, exchanged gifts, binged on various Christmas chocolate truffles, and played games with the kids. It was fun and low key. I did Christmas Eve with MIL and her husband's family like we used to. Christmas was at my sister's house. They told me to bring NG over whenever he was alone on a holiday. He had his kids on Christmas Eve but not the day. He had other invites but was unsure what he wanted to do. We celebrated during lunch at my sister's so we could be home by evening. I made sure we all finished packing for our flight to Austin to see my FIL and family early Wednesday morning. I did sneak over to NG's quickly for a little romance and he was sad I was going to be gone through the weekend especially since he didn't have his kids. We came home NYE afternoon. The kids went to their friend's places for sleepovers and I went to NG's where we went to a party for a few hours. We ended up at his house around 10:30 and I knew it was because he missed me a lot. But, it sort of made me sad. In the past, I've always partied all night surrounded by family and friends. Okay, not party really but eat all night and play games and do movie marathons with people until midnight where we celebrate and drink champagne for the countdown and then we carry on until none of us can stay up anymore. I never ever went to sleep early. It was so quiet and different than what I've always done. It seemed anti-climactic and unsatisfying for a New Year's Eve. Does that make sense? I did something totally different than what I was used to and it made me sad. I got to sleep with NG and cuddle with him but the quiet and peace was just too quiet and peaceful. I left early in the morning, no lingering, no muss, or little fuss as I had to go home to take care of the dog and cats. He felt I left abruptly with little comment and that I seemed annoyed. I know I was working through how I felt, trying to understand my feelings and reaction. I brushed it off and texted him later that I was just overtired having just flown in from Austin, barely was home, dropped kids off, and went to meet him to go to a party. Traveling tires me out and it catches up with me so that was true. I just didn't share my sad little feelings since I was still mulling them over. So that is it in a nutshell - I think this is the first awkward holiday season phase. I try to keep simple resolutions. I made quite a few this time but they are meaningful. I want to try to exercise better and improve my fitness. I want to clean my hobby room and reorganize. The kids want to go through their dad's clothes and donate good items to the men's shelter. I want to do better carving time out for my friends each month and spending time with them. I would also try to be mindful of NG's schedule so we can do more together.

I have plenty of hobbies and I really needed them to fill the blank time and it was my main coping skill. My kids are teens and are quite self sufficient. LH and I were able to spend a lot of time with one another pursuing our own interests (he'd play video games and I'd work on a craft) or we'd watch TV or movies together because the kids were at band or tennis or out with their friends. The emptiness that was left when he died was huge to me. I did not have his physical companionship any more or witty banter. I had to keep busy as constant as I could, be distracted when I wasn't already busy working or doing things with the kids. I could often feel the sadness consume me when I did nothing but watch TV and I had no interest in reading anything even though I love to read. So, I went on this crocheting binge. I made several shawls, many scarves of all different types, blankets, afghans, hats for cats. It kept my mind busy and my hands occupied. I also scrapbooked like a fiend. I wanted to preserve our memories while I could focus on them. I was once several years behind. Now, I literally am so caught up with nothing to scrapbook other than an album dedicated to my LH. I am not ready for it. Not yet. The hobbies really helped me cope and redirect my energy positively. They didn't drain me but invigorated me. So I didn't have to learn any new hobbies. I just focused on a few that I already had.

That skin deprivation is killer especially if you had a healthy intimate relationship with your LH. I was feeling starved pretty quickly, looking for touch and physical comfort. I pretty much retreated into myself because I knew I wasn't ready. I continued to journal and work through my thoughts and feelings. It was a brutal cut off and one of the hardest things for me to cope with. It was hard to even think I could be intimate with someone else and at first I felt I could do without it. However you learn when you get acquainted to the new version of yourself and can identify what you need and what would make you happy. I do believe you are right that it's best first to love yourself enough to wait and look for a healthy love. I had to learn and it made me a better person and helped me to be patient to look for a good relationship and not to despair. Read some of the dating threads and the discussion is crazily accurate. Give yourself more time to reflect and one day you will know when you're feeling brave to venture out there. Hugs today!

It's really hard to say how. I think it's mindset really. I do a lot of self coaching trying to decide and understand what is acceptable to me. I'm good with sharing my feelings and opening up but my own personal hang up is the ability to make any potential long term goals or plans involving him. I am not ready to take this level of risk. I fear making long term permanent plans. What I have told my NG was that, yes, my heart will always have a love for LH. However, love for me is not a set amount. For me, love grows and any love or affection I have for him is his. I think you need to understand yourself and your feelings first and foremost. I have learned from my loss that life is uncertain so I think that has helped me be more open and willing to pursue a relationship than to wallow in solitude and sadness. It is not what LH would want for me. I know he would want me loved and cared for in some way. My kids also encouraged and supported me as well so that helped. Sorry for the random ramblings but I as just typing as it came to me. Good luck!

Thanks for the update. I'm beginning to feel as you do. NG's beloved grandmother just died last week and she really liked me and loved that I make her grandson happy. She asked me to see her in hospice and I did. She wants me to marry NG but we just laughed it off. We have too many factors to consider if we were to marry and combine. I can see more negatives to the adult responsibilities: dealing with exes, kids, expectations on one another and of each other's kids, finances, where to live. It's better to maintain separate households and just enjoy what we can carve out. I would have also been an all or nothing girl like I was with LH as a young woman but experience and age has also changed me too and has me re-prioritizing what i feel is important.

I love hearing the good news! Congrats!

I'm with Mike on this one. Go when you plan to. We do what we can and you have responsibilities to your job first. You tried to reach out multiple times through the years but it's quite clear this woman severed you all out no matter that you made efforts. It's hard to keep playing that repetitive dead end battle. She can't blame you when she was the one who created it. Good luck!

Hi Karen! I hope you are having a good day today!

I friended NG on FB but I don't post pictures of us. It would definitely get blown up and I don't want it to.

Thanksgiving is already a hard holiday for me. I lost my father Thanksgiving morning 16 years ago. He loved Thanksgiving and we have many photo memories because he took lots of pictures especially of the food. My mom followed him 6 years later a few days before Thanksgiving. This is why my family likes to gather on Thanksgiving specifically and why we have a strong bond. Thanksgiving was good as usual. For the first time we did not have a crazy amount of food. All the leftovers even after some of my siblings took some home, fit in my main fridge. I almost always have to put food in my second fridge or freeze some. An interesting development was NG did come with his kids. He had a great time and he enjoyed all the food. His kids fit right in with the nieces and nephew as well. They spent a good time playing video games together. It was a good day in all and it was nice to share it with NG.

Hugs! I cannot imagine having to go through cancer alone. I think you might long for the strength and support he would have given you. I know I thought of it when I had my hysterectomy earlier this year but I had my sister there and it was comforting knowing I wasn't actually alone. Take care of yourself.

We are navigating the holidays for the first time as a couple and it's not working in our favor. I invited NG over with his kids and mother but he forgot his mom is horribly allergic to cats and I have 2 cats and a dog. He wants to ditch his mom but I told him not to. We can do the day after and I'll have plenty of leftovers. We haven't discussed the Christmas holiday yet and his birthday is in December too.

I had the same issue. LH died of a heart attack and I could not see or touch him because they were performing CPR on him and I'd be in the way. They wouldn't let me wait. The police sent me to the hospital to wait. It's a very touchy subject to me too.

I also have this issue with my kids. I feel they are new wounds not old ones. I also feel these though are not giant gashes but merely small scrapes and bruises. Strength and hugs today...

Similar situation here. I told some guys when we were still in talking phase before a first date and sometimes even on the first date. The guy I'm currently dating was on the first date. I told my FIL and wife I was venturing into dating last summer. They know about the guy I'm currently dating. My MIL and her husband don't know but I'm not that close to them because they will interfere regardless if I want it or not. They do it with everything when they see an opportunity so why not my personal life? It's a matter of what you are comfortable with.

Hugs for the day!

I took mine off within the first few months. I switched to a sterling silver fashionable ring on my middle left finger. Now at over 2 1/2 years later, I don't wear any rings at all. I felt I needed to. All the paperwork I did telling me I was single with children over and over again got to me and so I removed the rings and put them away. There is no wrong or right way but what feels right to you. In my grief group, many still choose to wear their wedding rings and the range is a few months widowed to nearly 7 years.

I am totally on the same boat as Trying. You cannot please everyone and you shouldn't have to at this point. I too had to understand that and embrace it. But you have to put yourself and your kid first and they need to grow up and learn to understand that the world doesn't revolve around your inlaws and it doesn't give them the right to overstep your set boundaries and run you ragged. Also lifting you up today! Don't let their guilt get you.

You are on your own timeline. There are no rules just what works for each individual in their own space and time. I'm happy in a relationship 2.5 years out after losing LH. However, I still do have his clothes and shoes in the closet. It's not for me but we have kids and our girls like seeing them there and get comfort from them. I would never deny them comfort when they have low days and it's a small thing. Sometimes it's healthier to distance yourself from people with strong opinions like that. Hugs for you today!

I honestly read that statement to interpret the implications that the older we get, the ratio of women to men is higher so it also makes dating tough because there is theoretically less available men than there are to available women.

It takes patience and a sense of fortitude that you can filter and wade through the prospects. I've had many ups and downs with the online dating and now I have many a funny tale to tell. With patience, I've found someone I really truly like and respect that I've been with for the last 8 months. It's not easy but as Mike suggested, take a different approach to it and make it fun and chalk it up as a life experience.

So happy for you! Persistence paid off and I'm glad it's an easier commute and better than the other job! Congrats! 🍺😁

Gosh now I want Indian and Thai food! I will this weekend! I deserve it. I honestly think NG wouldn't like it. So I think I'll leave it alone. I warned him just once if he didn't keep me entertained when I come over, I will start cleaning and organizing. I can only halt my OCD tendencies for so long. 😅

I think we naturally crave to find what is familiar feeling to us but we simply can't get there. We are different and we can never be the same because we've been changed from our experiences. You are going to have to try to tweak yourself to find a new comfortable level and figure out a new level of contentment. It sucks but we are forever changed. As in chemistry, the inputs are now different so the formula which used to give us a predicted result has been changed. We can find that result again someday but we have to work on the different inputs to find the right combo that will work. Hugs to you.

We have no plans for cohabitation or anything like that but NG and I are doing well. I think I have him hooked so he's making honestly more effort to make time for me. With his having joint custody of the kids, they are bouncing back and forth regularly and then you add in work and volunteer and our own individual interests, it's just crazy busy right now. He's admitted going a whole week is too long of a stretch for him. It feels nice to be needed and desired, I can't deny that. I've slept over his house a few times but it's still weird to me. I wake up here and there but I just sit there and think in the dark. I'm at least too lazy to get up. LOL! I'm a natural snuggler but he feels hot at night so I feel that I need to give him space so I don't make him overheat. It's something to work out. I'm interested to see how winter will pan out. I'm pretty cold most of winter so I'm sure I'll want to get right next to him for the heat. I've been good about respecting his space. I want to clean his entire main floor like a crazy person and rearrange his furniture for better flow. I admit to having dust bunnies and tufts of hair from our dog and cats but the main space of my home is always picked up and neat so the carelessly tossed menus, loose napkins, twist ties, abandoned various mail, various sauce packets, receipts, and clutter stuff is getting harder for me to ignore when I go over. I know it's not my space to deal with so I mentally remind myself to just not look at it.