Six weeks and I'm not me anymore.

[Karin_a]

Six weeks ago to day my boyfriend was taken from me. He died suddenly and unexpectantly, and I found him in our apartment when I got home. He was my love, my best friend, my soulmate, my future, my everything, the most important person in my life. I feel lost without him, we did everything together.

 

My emotions are all over the place I don't know what to feel. At his funeral I was crying and all I wanted was to scream out my pain but I didn't. I wanted to go with him, I wanted to stay with him. He promised me that he would never leave me.

 

We planned to get married, having a baby, I thought we would be together forever. Now I feel like I don't have a future, he was my future, I feel empty and so completely alone. I sit here and I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes. I'm surrounded by darkness, he was my light. He was my heart he was my everything, he was my whole world.

 

People tell me I will be ok, time will heal everything, you are strong, you look like you are doing better, he would want you to move on and be happy, you are young and you will have everything again, what you are feeling is normal and so on... But I'm not ok, I don't think the pain will ever disappear, I don't think that time can heal this wound, I'm not strong I'm bearly surviving, the way I'm broken can't be seen on the outside my heart is shattered and my soul is torn apart and I feel worse everyday and I miss him more and more, I don't want everything I want him, and how can this be normal?? I don't want this to be normal...   

 

Sorry for a rambling post.

 

I don't know what to do, how to feel, how to be... I didn't just lose him and our future, our hopes and dreams I lost me. I'm not me anymore.

 

I've been reading some of the other posts here and I feel like it helps a little, like I'm not so totally alone. I just want to say I'm sorry for all of your losses and thank you for sharing your stories.

[Wheelerswife]

Karin_a,

 

I'm sorry that you have had to join us.  Never worry about rambling here.  We understand.  I'm sorry that you have to listen to people telling you things you can't possibly understand right now.  You are in pain.  Your soul aches for the man you wanted to marry.  You can't believe that the world just goes on when your life as you knew it just stopped.

 

Everything you are experiencing is very normal.  I'm sorry that your innocence was taken away from you too young, too.  In time, this pain will ease, yes.  But right now, it is hard to believe that anything can ever be right in the world.

 

Be kind to yourself.  Allow yourself to grieve in your own time.  Keep coming here and venting away.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Mizpah]

Oh hon.  Five plus years ago I was you.  I could've written nearly every word.

 

All those things people say....  I did a lot of nodding and smiling.  And also a lot of angry rejecting of those statements.  True or not, right now they have no meaning.  They are idiotic or hurtful white noise.  But if you can gain any shred of comfort from anything someone says, do. 

 

I phrased it then and I still phrase it the same way: bearing the unbearable. 

 

I lost him suddenly and unexpectedly.  He was my world.  We'd also planned to start a family.  When I knew he was gone, I turned to my mother and said, "My life is over."  And it was. 

 

Now, I think of it as being like a starfish.  Very very slowly and very very gradually, you will grow a new arm where the old one was.  It won't be the same.  But one day you will feel again.  Something other than hopelessness, misery, pure and total and overwhelming and raw grief and pain.  You will very slowly create a new life.  You will eventually, slowly, gradually, painfully in the beginning and possibly less so as time goes on, reenvision your future, a different future. 

 

It is a very dark time.  Wherever you can find it, turn toward the light - whether for you it's the company of friends, or being alone and writing, or sitting in some sunshine, or going to therapy, or being physically active, etc.  Slowly, gradually, over perhaps a long period of time, you will not hurt in such a soul-searing way.  There will be relief.  But for now, keep the bar set low.  Survive.  Mourn. 

 

We all know what you are feeling.  Thinking of you. 

[Hgadams]

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. It has only been two months for me. An accident took my husband from me with pretty much no rhyme or reason to it. I think one of the hardest things as the one left behind is not just to mourn what you have had but to mourn what could have been. My husband and I were trying to have a baby. We had put it off for so long because he was in school. He had just graduated and we were about to build a house. Everything was finally coming together. I can't explain to you how truly heart breaking it was when Mother Nature came knocking after he passed and I knew forsure that little hope I had been holding onto never would be.

 

I guess I'm not really in a place to offer words of encouragement yet. I do not yet know how we truly get past this. I know from what others have shared that we never really get past it but we eventually do find a way to move forward. I hope that comes true for both of us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm truly so sorry for your loss.

[Julester3]

Hugs Karin. Sorry for your loss. All of us can relate. My husband has been gone 4.5 months now and it still hurts like hell. I think the hardest part is trying and to be willing to re-write our futures without our loved ones in the story. We all once had dreams, we had plans, we had our whole futures mapped out but now there is no way to get to that path to those particular goals without them. I find myself unable to make any long term goals, only simpler small ones that only affect us for the next few months really. I do think in my case, my children are saving me. They are older and they are experiencing everything with me first hand. I draw strength in trying to be solid for them.

 

You will have to find what can help you draw strength. It's different for everyone. You have every right to grieve in whatever manner helps you to get through the day or the night or even just the next hour. I, like you, am hoping that only time can lessen the heartbreak. I can function but I have this constant heart ache feeling. It sucks and I hate it. Definitely cut yourself some slack. Vent if you need to because it helps. You don't have to wonder if what your feeling is normal. It is exactly what you feel and you need to give yourself time and space to learn to cope and accept. It's possibly to me the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

[geminigirl]

My heart breaks for you, I know it doesn't help but I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband a little over three months ago in an accident and I'm feeling the same way you are, lost and hopeless. At this point the only thing we can do is take one day at a time. If I start to think about the future I stop myself because it's too overwhelming and depressing. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, I'm in too much pain myself to offer you hope but I will be here to listen to you vent when you're feeling miserable and alone. Take care.

 

 

[Karin_a]

Thank you for all your replies. It does help to read them. I woke up today and just felt so completely empty and alone. And I'm mad, mad at the world for robbing me of everything I ever wanted robbing me of my love my soulmate the one person who knew me inside out.

 

I watch life continue around me, I watch my friends be happy and doing things with their partners having babies and doing everyday things, and I'm jealous and angry..... I don't understand why I don't get to do all of that with my love.... Everyone just continues living while my life just stopped... The logical part of me understands that losing my Stefan doesn't affect them the same way it affects me and they still have everything, and their lives continue while mine is shattered. But I just feel it's so unfair... I don't understand what I did to deserve this... Or what he did to have his life taken away....

 

@Hgadams: we weren't really trying yet but we planned on starting trying for a baby this year, but I was still hoping for a miracle and that little chance but like you it will never be.

 

@Mizpah: You said that 5 plus years you could have been me.... I'm just wondering how is your life now? I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for any kind of hope.... Any advice...

 

Thank you again.

[mbanyard]

I am also new here, having lost my DH on July 23, completely unexpectedly and out of the blue . I can relate to how you're feeling perfectly, as I feel exactly the same way.

 

We had so many plans, so many dreams, and we were just so happy. I don't think we even realized how strong and special our bond was, though all of our friends did. With his sparkling blue eyes and warm smile how could our bond be anything other than incredible. Now, after 25 years I have lost my soul mate, indeed my everything.

 

Like yourself, I am feeling like I have completely lost myself in all of this. I have a strong, supportive group of friends, but now that I am past the month mark many of them are starting to seem uncomfortable with how shattered and completely bereft I am. (How could I not be...he was my everything and now he is gone and I am all alone, for the first time in my life).

 

To top it all off, my FIL, MIL, BIL and SIL have started to distance themselves from me, whereas in the first three weeks they were all super supportive and  had indicated that we would all get through this as a family; guess I didn't know that I no longer truly fit their definition of "family."  They are my  only family in this Province (I'm Canadian). They do try to pretend otherwise but when I don't hear from anybody for a week and check in to see how they are and  get "we're fine" and nothing else, it's pretty clear. Today I have to go and try to "keep it together" so that I don't "spoil" my FIL birthday dinner.

 

Now I am rambling, and have high-jacked your post somewhat. I'm sorry. I had meant to just say that I understand how you're feeling and where you're coming from as I'm at almost the exact same place myself.

 

Thank you to everybody here. From what I've read so far I know that being able to share with you all, who seem to understand completely the sense of emptiness one feels at this time, is going to be so very welcome...and helpful.

 

MB

[Amor]

Big events in or lives will change us.  For better or for worse or both or neither we change.  The love of our life is gone and there is nothing anyone can do to fix that.  Now you and the people that knew him well are the part of him that is remaining.  By continuing to live you can have him live as well. 

People will say many thing that will hurt you or just plan not help.  There is not one way or another to act.  Emotions most of the time are not control and never just have emotions because someone tells you to.  Emotions now come from the depth of your soul.  If you need find a place you are comfortable/ safe and let out your emotions.  Cry, scream, laugh, talk, yell which you am need to do all of those in a matter of minutes. 

Being a widow/ widower is a personal journey only you can determine the path.  Please forgive yourself often.

Amor 

[Mizpah]

 

@Mizpah: You said that 5 plus years you could have been me.... I'm just wondering how is your life now? I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for any kind of hope.... Any advice...

 

 

My life is nothing like what I ever expected now.  It has really taught me not to get attached to ideas I have of myself or of life and the future, and even what I believe myself to want.... 

 

I have a daughter now.  She's two years old.  She's a "double widow baby" - her father is a widower (who I met by chance through my mother).  She's the sweetest and happiest.  I had lived in NYC for almost a decade when DH died, and in Boston for years before that - I was very much a city person.  I went to lectures and took classes and went to synagogue.  Now: I live in a very rural area, close to where I grew up.  I hike and camp and fish.  I'm a mother.  I didn't think it would happen for me after DH died, and honestly, I didn't really care - about anything.  I didn't seek death, but I also didn't fear it.  I didn't want anything that didn't involve DH.  Even after I became involved with my current boyfriend, if I heard song lyrics about love or something, it was DH I would think of.  Now, it's my boyfriend.  It happened without me noticing.  I have a family. 

 

(And this is not to say I've "forgotten" DH.  It's hard to explain my feelings now about him.  In the same way that it was unbearable in the beginning, it's a bit indescribable now.  I am so sad for him that his life was stolen.  I'm so sad for me that he was taken from me.  He didn't have the opportunity to live after what occurred.  I did.  It's not fair.  It's not ok, what happened to him.  It's not ok, what happened to us.  But I'm ok.)

 

My life would be unrecognizable to DH if he could see me now.  It would be unrecognizable to the me from back then.  I believed I would never have real feelings for another man.  I couldn't bring myself to make plans more than a couple days in advance.  I couldn't imagine a life without pain.   

 

For me, everything about grief has been extremely gradual.  And very individual: I have widow friends who are still on their own.  I have widow friends who "recoupled" very quickly.  I have widow friends who are married again, who have kids or are pregnant.  And I also have widow friends who are still mourning quite deeply.  Your way will be your way. 

 

As for advice....  This will vary from person to person and anything I say may not ring true for you.  But what comes to mind for me: Be as healthy as you can physically and mentally and emotionally.  Talk therapy can be the best thing for you.  Find a way or ways to honor your lost love in a way that feels meaningful to you.  For me, routine helped me get through the very dark early months/year.  Spend time outside.  Get sunshine.  Write if it helps you.  Lean on friends if it helps you.  Get it out.  Don't hold it in.  Allow yourself feelings - good and bad.  Be honest with yourself and others.  Take the solitude you need but don't overly isolate yourself.  Try not to become bitter if possible - it hurts, and it hurts those around you, and that, in turn, hurts you too by further isolating you.  Avoid thinking too far into the future for now - just live as well and as authentically as you can right now.  Don't pressure yourself or set the bar too high.  Your healing will happen so gradually you may not even see it or feel it.  But it is happening. 

 

There is hope. 

 

When I was just a few days out, DH's co-worker (who I'd never met) took me aside and told me he had to talk to me.  A few days later, we got together and he told me his story - a widower's story.  I looked at him, ten years out he was at that point, and I thought: if he survived, I can survive.  Because at that point, it didn't feel survivable.  I felt grief would kill me.  But it didn't.  If he could survive, I could survive.  And if I can survive, you can survive.  Just keep breathing. 

[Karin_a]

Thank you all for your replies. It's 7 weeks today since my everything was ripped from me, and my whole life was shattered. I don't cry as often anymore, but the pain is constant and I miss him more and more. And when I do break down its hard to stop crying. I'm not living I'm surviving. I want to move forward and yet at the same time I want to stay..... I don't want to forget and leave him behind I want to stay with him.... I know it's not a rational thought because he is gone he is dead, but it's hard to believe he is dead it's like I can't accept and understand it. I feel myself still waiting for him to come home and scoop me up in his arms and kiss me silly.

 

I'm trying to hold on to everything that he was, but I feel it slipping away from me he's not here and everything I do or see makes me think of him, but he's not there it just makes me miss him more and makes me feel alone and empty.

 

I feel guilty about not being able to be in our apartment, and deciding to sell it and move away. I feel guilty about trying to think of a future without him even though I can't really imagine one. I feel guilty about still wanting someone in my life and having a family, although right now all I want his him. I feel guilty about not being there when he died. I feel guilty that I couldn't save him. I feel guilty about all the bad times, all the fights, everything that wasn't great.

 

@Mizpah: Thank you that gives me hope.

[MrsT85]

Hi Karin (and MB, Hgadams and all the other new wids....)

 

I'm so so sorry you've had reason to join us here, and much like Mizpah I can tell you so much of what you've written sounds so familiar.  It's hard for me to remember those first couple months because of how raw I was and how very much I was drinking in an effort to numb myself but anger, disbelief, regret, guilt, and a bone-deep sadness were certainly all emotions that were very much part of the mix.  This isn't a rational thing to have happen to us so young, and I know even though I'm generally a fairly down-to-earth pessimist I had several irrational thoughts following my husband's death too.

 

I was widowed by a car accident at age 27 when my 36 year old husband drove into a tree on April 6, 2013.  I didn't think I could survive and I didn't feel like it was possible for life to go on without him, but (with a lot of help from friends and family) I've managed to rebuild a good life again and even got remarried about two months ago.  I still wish every day I had my old life again...that my Tim was still alive and that we got the chance to build the family and life together we dreamed about for years while he was finishing his teaching degree.  I missed (and honestly often still do) the person that I was with him. But after all this time I feel like I finally have a future laid out in front of me again and that's more than I thought was possible in those early days, weeks and months. 

 

I don't want to write a novel, but since you've asked about Mizpah's story and mentioned the struggles you're facing knowing you still want someone in your life again one day I thought I'd share some old posts of mine that describe a few of the ups-and-downs of my journey so far (and just as a warning to those who might not want to read about the particular subject, some of those posts do discuss dating again).  And please feel free to PM me.

 

"Introduce yourself here"  http://widda.org/index.php/topic,5.msg1698.html#msg1698

 

"Two years" http://widda.org/index.php/topic,440.msg5602.html#msg5602

 

"If You Have Had Children, What Would Have Been Their Names?"  http://widda.org/index.php/topic,30.msg1033.html#msg1033

 

"Today I just hate everyone. Feel free to add your own!"  http://widda.org/index.php/topic,448.msg5790.html#msg5790

 

" How did you know?"

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,520.msg6849.html#msg6849

 

" Dealing with the Emotional Rollercoaster & Dating"

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,671.msg8584.html#msg8584

 

[mbanyard]

Thank you for sharing your story. While I don't anticipate dating again, ever, as my Brent was my soul mate through and through, I recognize that some people can and that whatever works for each person is totally fine.

 

It is 6 weeks today since I lost him and I just found out last night that my eldest sister has a brain tumour and won't be with us much longer.

 

Just as I thought I was getting to the point where I could almost pretend to function in polite society, this one simple fact has taken me back to the first week all over again, with all the rawness, overwhelming sorrow, and sobbing that accompanied those even earlier days. (Oh...and I found out yesterday that I am also battling PTDS with possible clinical depression to boot).

 

My world was my husband and now that he is gone I just don't know who I am or what I'm to do/be/say anymore. I am alone more than I have support of any kind and, frankly, most days I just don't want to be here - I want so desperately to be where I can talk to him again...even for a moment.

 

I am so good at being supportive of others, and I'm here for you all. I am terrible at looking after myself.

[Karin_a]

most days I just don't want to be here - I want so desperately to be where I can talk to him again...even for a moment.

 

I feel the same way I just want to be close to him again, hear his voice, smell him, touch him, see his eyes and his smile, feel his body, his heartbeat his breath. I miss him so incredibly much. Today it's been 8 weeks since he was taken from me. And I still don't completely understand that I will never see him again.

 

I was battling depression before this happened and he was my safe place he helped me get better and now I feel like I'm drowning without him.

 

Thank you for telling me about your journeys. I really hope I will be happy again someday. It's only been 8 weeks but I try to think about the future, life is short and I want to be happy. Happy for me and happy for him because that is all he wanted me to be when he was alive.

 

But I'm battling with my guilt, guilt about not being able to save him, guilt about selling our apt, guilt about moving, guilt about wanting to be happy, guilt about thinking of a future now without him, guilt about wanting to find someone because I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.... But at the same time I don't know because the only person I want to be with is him but that is not a choice. I'm torn and confused. I'm broken now more then I ever was....

[geminigirl]

Hi Karin, I feel you about the guilt. I'm only at 15 weeks and I'm so lonely and beat down that I find myself thinking about finding another partner just so I have someone to help me with my daughter and someone to talk to. I'm still in love with my husband and the thought of another man touching me makes my skin crawl but I need help and I hate being alone all the time. I feel guilty for even thinking like that and it makes me feel weak. I'm not actively looking for someone and I don't think I could go through with actually dating at this time but those thoughts still go through my head and I feel like shit about it.

 

Happiness seems so foreign to me now so instead I focus on survival. Right now at 8 weeks I think you should try to focus on today and not think so far in the future. Get through today and worry about the future another time. Take care the best you can.

[mbanyard]

"Happiness seems so foreign to me now so instead I focus on survival"

 

Truer words have not been spoken my friend! I think this is the true key to survival through this horrific experience...focus on surviving for a minute, an hour, a day, a week....just surviving.

 

I also feel overwhelming guilt. Guilt about now knowing he wasn't well, guilt about not being able to save him through I stood right beside him as the team of 15 tried to save his life in that Emergency room, guilt because I'm here and he is not, guilt about having a day where I can get out of bed and not cry the entire day, and guilt about being able to eat or sleep that day. (Why should I, he cannot.)

 

It's not nice to know that there are so many of you who are dealing with this excruciating pain along with me, but it is nice to not feel like I am alone in having these feelings.

 

Thank you all for that.

MB

[nicbet]

Ugh, those words hit home. I lost my Christian just over 5 months ago, and I miss and love him so much. But there's that part of me that really wants companionship, yet the idea repulses me. I just so miss the connection and partnership. But cannot imagine actually having someone else in my life.