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Mishka3086

First year anniversary coming up

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Hey all,

 

It's been quite some time that I have not been on here but I hope everyone is doing as well as possible and just want to say how much I appreciate this forum! I don't really have any friends so it's so helpful to me to be able to come here and feel safe asking advice or questions to people I know understand how grief feels

 

So, the one year mark of losing my husband to a very senseless act of violence is this Monday, January 29th. I've been dreading this day for a year, and although I am extremely stressed about it, I am trying to find ideas of helpful things I can do that day to honor my husband as well as bring some peace and comfort to my heart. I am still suffering so badly every day. It's almost as if the pain of losing him gets worse as time goes on. I am struggling so much to keep myself together. Our son is now just over a year old (he was 10 weeks when we lost my husband) and my 15 year old son who my husband helped me raise is also struggling very much. I would love to hear how others who are ahead of me in this process dealt with the one year mark. My financial situation is not good so anything that doesn't require money is ideal for me. I'm willing to spend a little bit but can't afford much more than maybe $100. I'd rather that money go to a shelter or something other than flowers etc for his grave... But please, anyone who is willing to share their experience or offer any advice I will be forever grateful to. I have a therapy session scheduled for that afternoon as well as a visit to my regular doctor at 4pm so thankfully part of my day will be distracted doing those things. I hope to not be the complete mess I anticipate being but I am prepared to feel horrible and accept that completely. I have a history with depression so I'm just a bit worried this event may trigger an episode. Any help/love/light is immensely appreciated

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Mishka,  My kids and I just observed our fifth sadiversary of my wife's death two weeks ago.  Like you I felt it seemed to get harder as time moved forward and approached that dreaded day the first year.  We spent the day together and the first year my wife's three sisters came to spend the day with us. My wife was cremated and she does not have a burial plot so we do not do flowers etc.  Since the first year we have spent the day just being together, going out to lunch together, nothing fancy, but taking a day to remember her and talk about her and be together in her honor.  No special plans etc, that way we can just lay low if emotions require it.  Let the day take it's course and honor whatever feelings and emotions come to you.

 

Take each day, hour or minute as they come, you will come out the other side eventually.

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In our family we chose to celebrate father's day in my husband's honor. That was probably because it is easier for my stepdaughter to join us. The death anniversary is more of a typical day with reflection and prayers. I reach out to my stepdaughter to make sure she is ok. My children were 2 and 5 when he passed so they don't really have a strong attachment to the anniversary. It's more like a personal day of remembrance.

 

We were thrust into a severe financial crisis which I am still working myself out of 6 years later so I didn't have a lot of money to spend either. My husband is cremated and resides on my nightstand. My stepdaughter and I thought it would be a good idea to celebrate the day eating my husband's favorite foods and doing a family activity. We thought that is what he would have wanted and we got a chance to acknowledge our grieve with each other. Our grief although more manageable now, still continues and we need a day to get together and acknowledge our continued sadness. So its bagels, brunch, ethnic foods and hiking, playing games, water park visits, etc. It's a good balance for us.

 

I hope you find something that works for you.

Best Regards,

Eileen

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When we experienced our first sadiversary, I was not interested in working that day so I took it off and called the kids out of school. If I couldn't focus to work, why should I make the kids try? We bought a small flower bouquet, visited the cemetery, and then went to breakfast in one of his favorite breakfast places. We kept it simple and it worked for us.

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Hey Mishka, how did it go? I find that the build-up is worse than the actual day, hopefully that was the case for you.

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Just like a lot of other people, its been awhile since coming on or posting... I too am approaching that one year mark and I have to say unfortunately I now understand how some people can be stuck in the same place for years. Am I making strides and moving ahead? The short answer is yes. Am I mentally where I was prior to my better half getting sick... "Hell no" Even with not making any major changes I still have managed to loose things in the house or totally screw things up at work...😑.  The sad part about this is I will be doing well for awhile and then totally loose it for a day. Not so much with outwardly grieving but to the point where I really just want the world to stop for a few minutes so I can get my bearings.

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The 1st anniversary of my husband's passing is on 1-23-19. Our 1st wedding anniversary would have been 11-17-18. We were married just 68 days. 

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Posted (edited)

A week tomorrow will be a year since My Beautiful Darl died 3rd of may .the build up is so hard i keep getting upset at any time and am trying to hide it from Josh (my son )but its so hard as we are on lock down ,i can't see anyone else as they are all social distancing ,I don't know what to do with myself ,I just want to be with her. Josh tries to comfort me and tells me how much he hates it when i get upset ,he probably thinks im too soft .He finds it hard to express his feelings so he finds it hard to understand mine .Maria is on my mind all day every day ,i feel i want to tell everyone i meet how wonderful my beautiful wife was ,it must be weird to people but i can't help talking about her at any opportunity ,i bet people think im odd .it gives me comfort to tell anyone how amazing a person she was to me .

 

Edited by simon8164

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The first anniversary was the worst for me.  I'm approaching the 4th anniversary now.  It is the worst of the "special" days on the calendar to me.  I can think of the good times on Mother's Day, her birthday, Xmas, our wedding anniversary etc, but all I can think about on the sadiversary(the day my wife died) is the pain of my loss.  For me, I don't feel it's a bad thing for my daughter to see me upset, I feel it allows her to see how much I loved her Mom, but I guess it depends on each person's situation and the ages of those involved  and sensitivity to these feelings.  I do believe a good cry once in a while is healing and therapeutic and is harmful to suppress, and I certainly cried a lot more the first year than I do now.  My advice would be to do what feels right to you, the social distancing sure makes grieving a more solitary experience unfortunately.  Hopefully, some of our shared experiences can help you feel some form of community and support here.  Take care

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The first year anniversary of my husband's passing is coming up in a couple days. The build up is absolutely the worst. Though we were married almost 7 years, my husband and I didn't have any kids and my relationship with my in-laws has been strained. Physical distancing provides that I definitely won't see any of them in person but it customary for me to reach out to them??

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I don’t know if there is anything customary about reaching out to in-laws. Relationships with them are all different. You lost a husband. They lost a son. Those losses are also very different. 
 

They might find comfort in your gesture to reach out to them. If you do, try not to have any expectations from them. 
 

One hard part about our losses is that very few others remember these important days like we do. Would you like someone to reach out to you?  If so, consider doing that for your in-laws. It might mend some of the rift. Who knows?

 

Hugs to you as you get through the coming days. 
 

Maureen

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I don't have any great answer.  I agree with Maureen. I did not have a strained relationship but boundaries were problematic with my MIL and my husband set them between our family and her. After his death, I held her only grandson, so treading those waters was hard. I was not always graceful doing so. It has been 8 yrs.  I now reach out to her on his birthday. I believe the birth of her son was the most precious day for her, and I give special acknowledgement to her on that date.  It took a while to get there but thankfully, I am here. 

Wish you the best on whatever you decide.

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