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tybec

Your new mate has exs and sometimes communicates?

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I never had an ex. I married my guy I dated from age 14. 28 yrs. together.    No social media to contend with, of course. We all have pasts.  So, my NG had an ex GF he continued with  on FB. He told me he never responded to her. She would like his things, and always comment if his post had something to do with his mother.  He had asked me more than a couple times about texting her kid a happy birthday or something like that. He told me 10 weeks out he told her he could not communicate with her as an emotional support person as he was dating me.

Okay.  Court hearing this Friday.  I accidentally saw his phone and there was an email from her.  He had given me his phone to review an email he was sending out, and when I closed it, his list of emails showed. Didn't go over well with me. I have looked up articles on  exs and people still having some kind of communication. It appears to be a norm for many now, due to social media. His ex is in a 2 + year relationship, also.  I do not want to be jealous or insecure, but this is not anything I am familiar with. He immediately shared the text.  It was a meme about exs as they both have.  Also, a statement of support for the hearing coming this week.  He said they do not communicate often, and he does not respond on FB.  So, he couldn't control the email.  He immediately stated he would stop. He didn't tell me she still emailed, and that caused me distress due to trust.  I do not believe they are involved.  IT has been 4 years, going on 5. It was the lack of telling me that bothered me, and he used his nickname for her in the email responding back.   Anyway, a rough weekend of working this out. We have.  I realized I have to be up front of what I will  and will not accept. My standards are high.  Trust is upmost important to me. Integrity, respect.  I talked to 2 friends to see if I overreacted and they did not feel I did.  But it is a trial.  At this stage of the game, everyone has a past.  But, I don't have the ex lover situation.  She was his rebound relationship and her husband left her, so they have this psychological attachment from similar losses and timing.  I can understand that. He contacted her by phone to tell her goodbye and unfriended her on FB.  She wanted to contact me to explain, but he advised her not to do so.  And I have to build trust with him now, though he feels it is benign as he is not involved with her. And he can't erase his past. He did note I was right, as he did not tell me. He felt I would respond upset and I DID.  But I am not so thin skinned or fragile EGO to not manage things, I told him.  She is not a threat to me. He would have married her but she stayed put, so IT was not meant to be.  He moved out of state and met me. Anyway.  LONG story.

 

Support and understanding appreciated.

Edited by tybec

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WOW! It's not that they are still communicating, it's that he has LIED to you about it! It's not that he didn't TELL you, girl he LIED cause he felt like he had something to hide! Hiding it and still using a nickname speaks volumes..... 

I don't get it, why say he would stop how long ago, then continue behind your back? And she knows about upcoming hearing and stuff, really???

Wonder what all he talks to her about you??? 

Can we say huge red flag!!!!

Sounds to me like he kept her as a back up in case the two of you didn't or don't work out. 

This is just the beginning of what he will learn of what you will put up with, just saying.....

BTW, sorry it's happening, cause it sounds like he sure has put you through a lot of crap and you just keep taking it cause you are such a good person....

Edited by sudnlysngl
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He didn’t tell you because he knew it would piss you off. I wouldn’t call that a lie, but rather a sin of omission. I’ve done this myself on occasion to avoid conflict, not because of any nefarious reasons. What can I say? I’m kinda conflict adverse.

 

Also- No man likes to deal with an angry woman. No man wants to hear ‘We Need To Talk’. I think it’s more important to look at how he responded once ‘discovered’, which was all about respecting your comfort level, yes? Hell, you know I have my problems with this guy, but this just doesn’t seem like a Big Issue. Your girlfriends sound like their way of being supportive is to simply parrot your fears- you need to find yourself a devil’s advocate to balance things out. 🙂

 

I mean, I get being jealous because the green-eyed monster is all emotion and refuses what your logical mind knows- he is with you. He’s chosen you. She is his past, but sounds like they ended on good terms so it makes sense she would maintain fond feelings for him and want to be supportive in his life. The exes I’m friends with ended nicely- the horrible endings I don’t care about or want to speak to again. One ex had a wife who invited me to social events because her husband was friends with me - and even though I was respectful and nice and she was polite back I could tell she and her friends did not like me, which made me anxious. It was awkward and the friendship faded because I let it because who wants to deal with that? It sucked. 

 

My bf is 55 and never married. He dated a lot. Here’s my recent experience with bf’s exes- last weekend we went to a party where an ex was and we did not speak to her because it was a messy break-up and no one was interested in being social to the other, so we all politely kept our distances. Next weekend I’m going to a birthday party of one of his exes whom I adore, and that we socialize with frequently. She is emotionally invested in my bf’s happiness because she genuinely cares about him. Facebook friends. Hang out without me or her bf around. I assume they have messaged each other? Zero fear of her stealing my man. 

 

It’s always good to keep those antennas up, but a gut feeling vs. an emotional reaction are different things, yes? I guess you need to decide which this is. Also- full disclosure- I have been cheated on and done the cheating so I do get it. Just keep in mind that actions usually speak much louder than words. Observe. 

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Yes, I expected this response, sudnlysngl.  I talked to my best friend, and she stated all you did. 

He apparently talked to  the ex all the time and at 10 weeks stated he would not.  I do not believe he has.  Truly, when?  

She knows about the court hearing as he posted it on FB.  

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It's not that they are still communicating, it's that he has LIED to you about it! It's not that he didn't TELL you, girl he LIED cause he felt like he had something to hide! Hiding it and still using a nickname speaks volumes..... 

I don't get it, why say he would stop how long ago, then continue behind your back? And she knows about upcoming hearing and stuff, really???

Wonder what all he talks to her about you??? 

 

The lying is the issue for me.  I laid it out. I treat kids that are sexually abused, so I am pretty black and white about secrets.  If you can't tell someone something, something is wrong with it and it is a "bad" secret.  Good secrets come out. 

I told him it is inappropriate for a Christian man to have a relationship with a woman outside of his mate that is not known and this person is not the woman's friend, too.  He and I are both Christians, and there is no counselor who would state it was okay. The temptation is too great, looks bad, etc. Others may have other ideas on that, and you certainly can, but not me.

 

I talked to my widow friend who happens to be a psychologist, and she was able to sort through things with me with less emotional reactivity.  

 

Omission is a lie to me, Bunny. Funny you said that. We had talked about that a week earlier, ironically.  My widowed brother remarried in 4 months and it fell apart, and I know part of it was his omission.  He didn't out right lie but he didn't tell her everything, either, and she didn't ask.  And it lead to a failed marriage.

 

The pet name. YEAH. Hit that one. Told him he would not call me by my pet name if we broke up and he recoupled.  So, just because it is not a lovey dovey name, it is still his intimate name for her. If they are just "'pals" like his guy friends, no nick name.  He truly was dense on this.  🙄  

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Just keep in mind that actions usually speak much louder than words. Observe. 

 

THIS^^^   Told him this.  He has to do this. Lip service and no action is not working for me and let him know it.  He has to show me.  With his kids, with his time, prioritizing our time, our relationship.  

Gosh, we had such a great 2 weeks and deep discussions about the future and then this.  Thanks for your input.

 

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OK, so please don't crucify me for this but I had an affair while my husband was dying and after he died.  It was with my best friend from HS who I have known since we were 14.  We fell out of touch sometime during college and I ran into him by chance in a bar a few months after my husband was diagnosed with GBM; I hadn't seen him probably since 1992 or 3.  We'd never had any kind of physical relationship when we were kids; rather, we were like siblings.  Anyway, we started texting a lot.  My husband was very ill, sleeping all the time and when he wasn't sleeping he was behaving erratically and aggressively and it was a scary, lonely time for me and so this affair just kind of happened.  I'm not proud of it, and neither is he but there you have it.  It took us a long time to disentangle ourselves from each other emotionally (honestly, the physical stuff was minor in comparison to the emotional/psychological piece of it) and while his moving to Colorado certainly helped (I live in PA) we never stopped communicating.  And we've still not stopped communicating, though less and less often each year.  In many ways, he really IS more like my brother than anything else.  

 

When I got involved with my now husband (A), I told him everything.  I explained that this person still texts me on occasion because he cares about me and about my daughter (he went though this horrible trauma with me and was really my primary confidant throughout most of it) and he is just checking in.  Or he'll text if there's any news on his end.   Or if someone from HS does something newsworthy.  He texted me a picture when they got a puppy.  I texted him when I tried to make bread (he is a baker) and it was failing.  Surely, when our parents die or something major happens, we'll tell each other out of that shared history stretching back so far. 

 

But the key thing here is, I told A.  I told him that this affair happened but its long since over but I've known this person my whole life and he was there for me when my husband was dying and while I don't need or want to talk to him every day anymore, cutting off the oldest friend I have (who was there for me when my world fell apart) doesn't sit well with me with so much shared history and trust between us.  But that's the thing:  I told him everything, gave him the option to tell me he was not comfortable with that and if he'd had an issue with it we would have worked out a solution.  

 

But if I'm reading  what happened with your partner correctly and if it was me realizing I wasn't being told everything there is to tell, I probably would have had a similar reaction.  But.....

 

That being said, you've invested a lot in this relationship and you have persisted through the times when you did not think it was going to work.  And I do not think this ought to be the deal breaker after you've put so much time and energy into this and have discussed long term plans, etc, so just hear me out.  I have to agree with Bunny - you've set your terms and you should give him an opportunity to meet them.  Though difficult, I also think trying to put the lie/omission and emotional piece of this to the side for now (you've said that you've expressed to him how distraught you are about this so assume he's heard and registered that) and try starting from a place where you're going to trust him to do the right thing, do what you asked him to do.  In this way, you can try to set this up to succeed rather than fail.  Because, while I don't comment often, I read your posts and I believe you really do want this relationship to succeed.   Good luck!  (I hope this makes sense - and why so long?  Sorry!)

 

 

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This is a tough one. The problem is when you are in a sticky situation already with NG (given his ex wife issues), you certainly don't need other issues surfacing. Probably feels a bit like a smack in the face. And its worse because he wasn't forthcoming about the communication - although it seems clear it was innocent in nature. I'm not a fan of dating someone who is in touch with exes but it happens and in fact I correspond with very ancient exes from time to time (because of FB mainly). Have I mentioned every time I correspond with them to NG? No, although I have mentioned their names and that we are very loosely in touch once in a while. And any correspondence is very generic and not personal in nature. I agree that the lack of disclosure was a bad decision on his part - given stuff in my past, that would irk me in particular. He should have mentioned it when he got the email but my guess here is your NG has so much on his plate right now in trying to build a wonderful new relationship and deal with an old toxic one that he either didn't think about bringing up the email or felt it easier not to mention. Admittedly, I once got quite agitated (a long while ago) as NG was texting with some woman whose name Id never heard of - again, totally innocent (he showed me the texts) but it was the lack of disclosure up front (especially as he knew about issues Ive had in my past)  so I get the irritation here. NG couldn't quite understand my irritation as in his eyes it was nothing. But I personally feel being more open about these types of correspondence is healthier in the long run, as trivial as it may seem to some.

Edited by Captains wife

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I have a former wife and a few former GFs. My wife has a former hubby and a pile of former BFs. For a million good reasons, we all occasionally communicate through social avenues, mail or phone with each other.

 

My wife and I do not report to each other every time one of us is contacted by the above list of folks or when we contact one of the exes. We are comfortable with those folks being tangentially in our lives. They, in some small way, add to the enrichment of our lives.

 

You mentioned yourself you don't understand, or care for communications of this type between exes. I get it. No doubt, he fibbed about it. Because he knew you'd be POd. That's not an excuse, but it's there.

 

I'm not going to tell you to feel this way or that. You feel like you feel. But I don't find this is a hanging offense. If he does something REALLY dumb, of course you both will need to address it. But in my mind, it's a minor foul. You and I will have to disagree about secrets. There are good reasons to fib, stretch the truth, and, sadly, lie through your teeth - sometimes. Not always, of course. The world and relationships are messy. Never say never.

 

I trust my wife completely and I'm sure the feeling in mutual. She and I are done with the BFs and GFs - we both are confident it's over.

 

Of course YMMV.

 

Good luck - Mike  

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I have exes, am not in communication with any of them at this point but I wouldn't be averse to it.  Should my NG and I break up, he'd be somebody that I could see keeping as a friend.  Although I'm super aware of maintaining respectful emotional distances from men that are in committed relationships, and because I am in a committed relationship too.   Because there can also be emotional infidelity, not just physical.   My initial reaction to your post, tybec, is that NG has not been entirely available to you until recently.  And this makes me wonder whether he's still in contact with this particular ex in case things didn't work out with you. There seems to be a lot of gray area in your relationship and you can get bogged down on details on what you are willing to accept or not - being in touch on FB vs. email, what is acceptable social media, etc. ... where does this begin and end?  It's easy to assess a relationship sitting at a computer screen - IRL maybe my thoughts would be different.

 

NG has two ex-wives, communicates with them both periodically due to the kids.  As far as I know, he isn't in touch with any ex-GFs.  I'm particularly honest with him when I get messages - communication via social media or text, and invites from my guy friends - high school and college friends that I've known for years and still socialize with.   And I don't hesitate to invite him to meet any one of them.

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Reading these responses I’m realizing the main problem- as I see it-  isn’t the fact that he lied, it’s that you really don’t trust him. Considering how long you two have been together, I’d say that is the Big Deal. And I do think if things were going better between the two of you this would have been less of an issue. 

 

Both my husband and boyfriend admitted to being jealous people. And yet, they both not only chose to be with a woman who has multiple male friends,  it wasn’t/isn’t a problem (ever) in either relationship because they both trust(ed) me completely. Honestly, It’s a joyful thing to have offered these two men my fidelity, it’s never been hard for me. 

 

I just remembered something I never shared with my husband. I had a couple men from high school find me on the Facebook. If I was their wives I would not have been pleased with the private messages they sent. Nothing horribly inappropriate, but also not completely innocent. I took them for what they probably were- current dissatisfaction with their lives and waxing poetic about a seemingly simpler time. Why would I share this with anyone? A decade later they are both still married and seem genuinely happy. 

 

If you can’t trust him, please don’t consider marriage just yet. 

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Well Tybec all I can say is, it doesn't matter what everyone here says. It matters how YOU feel about it! Do YOU feel hurt and betrayed? Does it raise some red flags for YOU? 

These are things YOU and only YOU can answer, and girl it's time to get down and real with yourself about this guy and how he treats YOU!

Time to make that list of the positives and the negatives about the relationship and him, and be brutally honest with yourself about it!

DON'T SETTLE!

I'm sorry Tybec, but girl you keep saying this guy is dense, I'm gonna say NO he ain't ! He's playing with you to see how much you will put up with, or he's just used to playing.

Don't keep making excuses for his bad behaviors, before long you will be looking back and thinking damn I wasted xxx years on this guy and I knew from 2018 I should have called it quits.

I'm working on myself, cause I did just that with the one I divorced back in May, and you don't want to do that!

No matter what you choose to do, I'm wishing you the best...❤️

 

Edited by sudnlysngl

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Thank you for your input.  Much to mull over.  Thank you for the courage to share some difficult personal information. 

 

I did tell my NG I had trust issues because of the last couple months and then this.  He is trying.  This was punch in the gut.  Wish I had not seen it.  He wishes he would have handled it differently.  

 

Thank you for this community. 🙏🏼

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DH and I were in  shopping mall several years ago. I beautiful young woman saw him, called out and waved. She ran up to him and gave him a big kiss on the lips. An old biddie saw this and confronted me. "What do you have to say about that? "I responded "he's old enough".  I don't remember the biddie ever speaking to me again. 

 

Backstory: The biddie was a shift manager at one of the kiosks. The young lady was in her chain of command. The young lady left for a better position. The biddie never forgave her for that. 

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In my opinion, you are handling this really well Tybec, making him aware of how he made you feel by concealing the communication, whether or not there was any bad intentions to it.  If you really care for him and do trust him, you are giving him a chance to show you how much he cares and that he deserves your trust.  Good on you for not being over-reactive, but not being too soft at the same time.

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Here I am again. Because I’ve been thinking about you and my widow friend here in town who is living a very similar experience to yours. I’m so glad you write with such openness about your relationship and feelings because most of us on here are serial daters, so we forget what it’s like to be dating the Second Person Ever In Our Lives- most of us passed that milestone many moons ago... So thanks for sharing- for all those lurkers in similar situations! 

 

As a military brat, constantly moving, marrying a first love seemed ideal to me, very romantic. But you and she are showing me the downside to that ideal. She struggles with jealousy over his past girlfriends and current female friends. He’s had ex-spouse/relative and custody issues she can’t relate to.Their parenting styles and past marriages are very different. For most of us here, offering you support, we’re the battled-scarred warriors to your more fresh on the dating field confusion. Our own personal experiences most certainly inform the commentary we give to you-  and will tend more towards the grey rather than black and white. 

 

I am proud of you for advocating for yourself, telling him clearly what you require from him; and for realizing it’s okay to take a step back and let Life play out- realizing that you are a single, strong woman with options that may or may not include this man, because either way you and your son will be okay. Really. I know you want to be married again, it is your comfort zone- that’s true for many here-  but there really is no need to rush towards something that could, potentially, last a very long time. When we can remove from our brains the expectation of outcome, our vision of reality becomes much clearer. As usual- you know I’m rooting for you! 

Edited by Bunny
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5 hours ago, Bunny said:

I am proud of you for advocating for yourself, telling him clearly what you require from him; and for realizing it’s okay to take a step back and let Life play out- realizing that you are a single, strong woman with options that may or may not include this man, because either way you and your son will be okay. Really. I know you want to be married again, it is your comfort zone- that’s true for many here-  but there really is no need to rush towards something that could, potentially, last a very long time. When we can remove from our brains the expectation of outcome, our vision of reality becomes much clearer.

 

This is all good stuff.

 

But seemingly not yet discussed or considered here is: what does NG want? What does he require from you? What is he looking for in a possible wife? What are his expectations of the current relationship? That is important too. I'm not losing sight that the beginning of this episode was NG acting in a way that didn't sit well with you tybec. Not trying to downplay it either. But, for any relationship to be a success in the long term, the needs, desires and requirements of both parties must be verbalized and processed.  It's great you have, or are currently, letting him know what is important to you. Have you invited the same from him? It could possibly generate a ton of trust for both of you.

 

Only then will both of you have the information that you need to determine a suitable and healthy path forward.

 

I'm not sure this has occurred yet. To be sure, I haven't followed any previous discussions of your experiences with NG. So, please forgive me if I am ignorant of the facts.

 

I guess I'm sort of thinking an truly frank and open bidirectional heart to heart is still in the future. (Could be wrong of course.)

 

Best wishes, Mike

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New Man has an ex he was married to for 25 years, give or take.  The have two children together, and two grandchildren, so far.  I neither know nor care when they contact one another. His marriage is part of what made him who he is today, which is a pretty decent guy. 

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Valid and diverse points.  

 

Portside,  

NG might say I over talk it all, including his wishes.  😉. It’s what I do.  NG wants to go ring shopping and stated to me I needed to show commitment by moving forward on this.  Waiting until custody hearing  is completed.  We have made outlines of plans only to change due to things with his children and ex.  This even included the home I purchased in his kids’ school district and less than 12 hrs later his ex changing the school district to the school a football field from his current home.  Waiting has afforded the opportunity to know each other better.  I understand your advice.  

 

NG communicated with an ex he dated for 18 months after his wife left.  No children.  Timing made it a great bond.  We have dated 3 yrs in March. 😊

 

reading about exs, and there are many many reasons to continue contact......& many reasons not to. 

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17 hours ago, tybec said:

 NG wants to go ring shopping and stated to me I needed to show commitment by moving forward on this.  

 

I don't know, tybec - I think that you can be in a committed relationship with plans to move forward towards marriage, without rushing a ring.   Why not let things settle and get to a point of not having doubts about this relationship, and then move forward on this?  From all that you've shared here, I'm not sure that you're at this point yet?  That being said, there are many successful relationships that thrive with the emotions that you've posted about here.  Will you be happy committed and married to him, with these continuing issues?  There seems to be a  turmoil about this relationship, perhaps this is your norm?   These words might seem tough, it's hard to hear about the underlying mistrust and doubt from you and plans to move toward marriage with him.   I truly hope that this can be worked out and resolved. 

 

It's very easy to assess a relationship from a computer screen.  We read your perspective on the relationship, and not his.  There is obviously a great connection with him, a reason to stay in it and work together on making a successful relationship.  

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20 hours ago, tybec said:

Valid and diverse points.  

 

Portside,  

NG might say I over talk it all, including his wishes.  😉. It’s what I do.  NG wants to go ring shopping and stated to me I needed to show commitment by moving forward on this.  Waiting until custody hearing  is completed.  We have made outlines of plans only to change due to things with his children and ex.  This even included the home I purchased in his kids’ school district and less than 12 hrs later his ex changing the school district to the school a football field from his current home.  Waiting has afforded the opportunity to know each other better.  I understand your advice.  

 

NG communicated with an ex he dated for 18 months after his wife left.  No children.  Timing made it a great bond.  We have dated 3 yrs in March. 😊

 

reading about exs, and there are many many reasons to continue contact......& many reasons not to. 

Again time to lay out all the positives and negatives. Time to be brutally honest with yourself, and take the time YOU need to answer the questions YOU need answered.  Every relationship takes some work, but not so much that it wears you out all the time! 

I don't want to live in someone else's shadow, I want to make and be my own shadow for someone! Yes, we all have a past and it has helped make us who we are today. But we choose to keep the good parts and take the crap and learn from it!

All of us make mistakes too, otherwise how do we grow? Once we know better, aren't we supposed to do better? Another thing to think about. Sometimes being the grownup just sucks! lol

Best of luck and love to you Tybec❤️

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On 2/4/2019 at 11:42 AM, tybec said:

I never had an ex. ...She is not a threat to me. He would have married her but she stayed put, so IT was not meant to be.  He moved out of state and met me. Anyway.  LONG story. 

 

Support and understanding appreciated.

 

Um, see the line I've bolded... He would have married her.

 

Yeah. That part strikes me as "more than friends" and I would NOT BE OK with him maintaining contact with her. I know in today's social media day-and-age a lot of people try to "stay friends" but I personally do not think that is possible.

 

I believe in the "When Harry Met Sally" adage: Men and women cannot be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way."

 

Also, I'm a stickler for the truth too.

 

That being said - he DID admit he was wrong and he did immediately try to put things right. If your feelings for him are strong, I think there is a good chance you two can put this behind you, with the caveat that you expect full and complete truthfulness from him.

 

My DH had an affair at one point in our marriage (around our 10 years anniversary). He made amends. I forgave him. But it took YEARS to re-build the trust. In the end, we were stronger than ever. It's worth it - if you can work on the issues together.

 

Good luck!

Donna

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HOT topic.  Hope others are benefiting from this discussion.  

 

I don't jump  in the pool.  I know I need to weigh, think it over, give it a little more time.  I think NG realized the holidays were so bad I really was ready to let go. And to fix it, as some men (not all), were to say, "Let's seal it. Get Married."   That will make this problem go away.

I have my mother's estate to still settle, and it is taking more time than planned. Over  a year now.  And I want a prenup to protect my child and assets from his ex. 

And I know this development  with the ex girlfriend was a symptom of a larger problem. TRUST.

 

(BIG BREATHE)  I know I have fear of abandonment. My LH promised to never leave me, and he did.  And the behavior of my NG with putting me on the back burner with his children consistently leaves me feeling abandoned, too.  I have shared that with him this last go around. AND I am waiting for the custody hearing. I have a fear he will get more time as desired and then possibly put me on the back burner again. So, I wait to see. I know  a ring on the finger does not change that. 

Thanks as always. Hope others benefit from complicated dialogue.🙄

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Thank you for saying all that, tybec. 

 

Honestly, when portside wanted to hear what your bf wanted from you I started rattling off in my head: he wants her to be okay with playing second fiddle to his children, his mother, and to all his legal feudings with the ex-wife. Also- he wants her to be totally cool with him ruining every holiday they were supposed to spend together but then really didn’t. He wants her to keep accepting the dangling carrots he offers in order to get her to not walk away. The ring offer is just the latest extra-big-shiny-carrot because he is finally starting to understand that this woman he’s taking for granted is strong and independent and just might get fed up and walk. Also, I think the whole ‘would have married her, but...’ is just to show tybec he is a man in demand, keep her on her toes, and feed his own ego. Whatever. 

 

Okay. Maybe all that was harsh, and it’s true we’re only hearing parts of one side, but I’ve got years of history with you online here, tybec, and this man is irritating me by being so damn consistently self-absorbed! I would NOT get engaged until he can actually make it through one damn holiday season acting like he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Keep speaking up for yourself, and keep observing those actions. I do believe that he loves you, he just needs to keep matching his actions to his feelings and words- in those every day ways, not just with the simpler grand gestures. 

Edited by Bunny
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I second everything Bunny said. Honestly, I don't particularly feel it's my place but throughout all your posts on this man the word that most consistently comes to mind is backburner. And since you yourself used that term maybe i can finally say it - this man doesn't seem emotionally strong enough to give you what you need. I get the custody stuff - I do- particularly the fear, after my BF was punitively treated by the Friend of the Court simply for requesting that his ex abide by the CO and for more time with his child. I get it. It takes two incredibly strong people to deal with one, the custody issues, and two, the widowhood issues.  TWO people. It doesn't work if one person carries the load, by providing all the support and patience, while also having to mange their own difficulties without support. There are times i felt backburnered and I'm sure my BF has felt sidelined by my grief at times but we both work to make sure that is decreasing over time. It's a two way street. Negative behaviors and the responses to them both need to improve. 

 

I also think the fact that he would have married this person but for geography is a huge indicator of a lack of his emotional depth. If you really want to marry someone, you do whatever you can to figure out away to make it happen. Change jobs. Meet halfway. I can see choosing not to move a relationship forward because of distance but if you are truly at the point of marriage, then it's a non issue. If one of you had to move, would he just give up?

 

On 2/6/2019 at 1:52 PM, tybec said:

.  NG wants to go ring shopping and stated to me I needed to show commitment by moving forward on this.

 

I have to admit, this kind of infuriated me. That's a pretty ballsy statement for someone who has expected you to put all your wants and needs on hold while he deals with his shit. 

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Very interesting comments! The backburnered comments resonated with me as I feel that way (and the resentment about it is building up....). Tybec - its your life and only you know exactly what is happening (and Im sure we hear more negative comments as we all tend to vent on here) but taking it slow seems to be a great choice. I have taken that road and Im a lot more comfortable that way. I have also had NG dangling marriage in front of me (as he seems to think too that will solve some of these issues we have been having surrounding HIS divorce + he wants us all to spend a lot more time together) but GUESS WHAT, not all woman want to rush into marriage. Tybec - I know its really difficult when you are trying to build a relationship and have a great connection with a person but all the surrounding noise/drama makes proceeding exceptionally difficult. 

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