gracelet

For those of us seeking our next love and feeling that our scars put people off... Mouthful of Forevers by Clementine von Radics I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we?d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I?m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you. And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it?s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: whether it?s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I?ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

Personally, I didn't like Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. It's SO DAMN LONG! Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes is a beautiful book. For a good laugh, try The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson. Well written and witty. Anything by Kazuo Ishiguro will probably appeal. I also enjoyed Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman. Very different. It's about a Ghanain boy who moves to London to live on a council estate. It was shortlisted for the Booker Prize a couple of years ago. One tip - the Man Booker prize in the UK is one of the most prestigious literary awards in the world. Have a google for the last few years shortlists and you'll be guaranteed some great reads.

Her name was Elle and she would be delighted that I've got a real Christmas tree up in the flat this year.

The anger ate me up for so long. Anger was such an alien feeling to me until I lost my wife. One tip I found on here which totally works for me is flinging icecubes at the wall. I fling it at my fridge door. The shattering effect is very therapeutic and you don't need to clean up afterwards!

I know mutual contact is an idiot, and of course what she's said is ridiculous. Thankfully I rarely encounter her What I'm struggling with is how to support new girl through the guilt she is feeling. Any suggestions apart from saying 'you don't need to feel guilty'?!

I've been seeing new girl for nearly four months now, about one month of that is exclusive. We had our first 'outing' on Thursday night. There's a network for lesbians in the corporate world in my city and it was the Christmas party. This network is one that my wife and I were part of so going with new girl, and being on her arm was quite a daunting prospect. Turns out new girl and I fit perfectly naturally and I loved being hers. I was, of course, prepared for me being judged and having a tricky conversation or two at the party. What I was not prepared for was new girl being judged. A mutual contact, who also knew my late wife, said to new girl while I wasn't around, 'don't you think it's inappropriate being with Grace?' This has of course unsettled new girl. She's 23 and a commitmentphobe anyway so getting used to being with anyone is new, nevermind a 29 year old widow. She was actually really quite upset about it and has since said to me, 'maybe she's right. Maybe I'm being disrespectful.' I am so livid at this other woman. When I'm angry, I cry, and as I fell asleep in new girl's arms, a couple of tears did trickle the other night. How dare she judge new girl? I am starting to see that new girl is experiencing guilt at being with me. She also asked me what I though my late wife would think of her. How do I help her with these feelings? We talk a lot and are honest with one another when things are awkward. She acknowledges this will take getting used to and that we need baby steps. I reassure her that I'm very happy with her (because I am) and that she enhances my happiness. I also explained that I've had two years to get my head around the fact and accept that there's no way I can please everyone. I'm either dwelling on the past and need to get over it, or am being disrespectful in having fun and loving life again. She however has only essentially had a month so I said it's no surprise that she's worrying what people think for now. Did I say the right thing? Sorry for incoherence. I'm hungover (having fun and loving life too much )and just trying to get my thoughts out.

Can I just gloat for a tiny bit please? My friends don't get how big a deal, and how happy yet complicated it is that I have fallen for someone new. I never thought I'd feel comfortable, truly comfortable, in another's arms again. I am so thrilled! She's a keeper. She's mine and I'm hers, although we continue to pace ourselves. Of course my friends say I deserve it, that Elle would want me to be happy. But they don't get how truly miraculous it is that my heart, and not just my bed, has opened to another woman. I never thought this could happen, and I now cry out of relief and happiness, as opposed to bleak desperation and profound sadness. Mind fuck.

My wife died from depression. Bog standard, treatable depression. She was ashamed of being depressed and stopped taking her meds because she didn't want people judging her. It killed her. I therefore swore i'd never be in a relationship with someone with mental illness. Yet here I am falling in love again with a fellow bipolar woman. I'm totally screwed. All the best lesbians are crazy.

Her name was Elle. She was ridiculous. Ridiculously smart, ridiculously beautiful, ridiculously stubborn, ridiculously loving, ridiculously bitchy, ridiculously in love with me. My Elle. Always mine.

You're brilliant. This made me laugh but i so get why you'd do that. For me, the solution to getting back into dating was going on no pressure dates with people who I already knew weren't quite going to be right, just for practice and company. Wine also helped ;-) I found my confidence growing. Although I'm young, I've never dated before (wife was my first date!) so it's been a bit of an adventure. Do note though that it's really important to stay safe. Contraception (if yuou get to hanky panky stage), tell someone where you are etc.

iloveyoualways, I'm so sorry you are in this difficult position. If you're having to question it, I don't believe you're ready to share your story so publicly. Your life will be scrutinised by yet more people and indeed you cannot control the things they will say or react. I also think you might give people too much credit for the goodness in their hearts... Is the return worth it? We widows are so very emotionally fragile. You've been knocked to the ground and are finding your feet again. I suggest that if you feel in the slightest bit fragile about telling your story, you do not. I've been approached about turning my blog into a book. My blog is extremely explicit and a raw account of my emotions and wild antics. As much of an extrovert as I am, and as important my story as a gay widow is to tell (and the money would be handy), while writing a blog remains an emotional coping tool for me, I am not going public with my name. It will have career and friendship consequences too which I'm not quite ready to face. If you're not ready to face criticism, I very strongly advise you not to go to the media. Sending love and light to you. x

This just made me bawl. Oh yes. Those little things. I miss that girl. Beautiful post.

I bloody love theme parks and would genuinely consider flying over for this! May is wife's birthday and my wedding anniversary so would be a great distraction! Let me know if you set a date! We'd be going on all the rids, right?!

This. I need to learn to love healthy. You put it so well. in my dating antics, I have been known to feel at times OHMYGODSHEISNTRUNNINGAWAYIMUSTMARRYHER. There's the missing somebody being there thing that has crept up And plays on my insecurities about why someone could ever want me with all my baggage. Then another part of me says, 'Grace, you deserve to love and be loved fully by someone who brings out the best in you.' This is thankfully the stronger voice. I'm not going to settle and that is what will make me a fabulous wife. I will be in the relationship with my whole heart and soul, but retaining my personality (something that was smothered by my late wife). I won't take any shit. I won't sweat the small stuff. And i will count every single blessing.

Although the first few days of my grief are thankfully a blur, I do remember sending a slightly adapted version of this letter around friends in an email. People responded so positively and were super grateful to have some sort of insight and steer on how to be with me. I'm very grateful, Wifeless, that it was there as a template.

Do it!

Boom, lady! Many congratulations!! X

Yesterday and today were real milestones for me and potentially new woman. You see, today is the second sadniversary. A part of me thought I'd be crumpled in a heap on the floor wanting to kill myself like I felt in the early days, but experience has shown that this grief no longer floors (no pun intended) me. I've taken the day off work and I'm sitting on the sofa, enjoying listening to the leaves on the trees rustling, what sounds like a duck quacking (bit bizarre considering I live in central London!), and eating the remnants of a Chinese takeaway. Last night was the first night I slept over at new woman's house. I feel asleep happy, and I woke up happy - on the sadniversary. How can this be?! Some of you might be aghast and thinking, 'how could she be so disrespectful?' but I have no regrets. I only had a trickle of tears in the middle of the night when we talked about cuddly toys being the holder of many secrets! Elle used to say that too. What has really touched me and floored me is new woman's sensitivity. Despite still sort of using the label of 'casual' on our dalliances, it was she who invited me round and said there was a safe place at hers for me if I needed to escape the bad memories of my house (wife hung herself in the bedroom). She said she wanted to respect my loss, but also said that she totally understood if I felt I couldn't deal with being around her. I really can't believe it. It's complicated, yet it's not. I've fallen for this woman and she encourages me to feel alive, which indeed I do. She also showed me a beautiful poem which I've pasted below. I don't think it quite reflects how she feels, but I hope it will some day. I hope someone will love me as their hurricane. I hope some of you like it - I think it's very apt for us widows. Mouthful of Forever (by Clementine von Radics): I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we?d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I?m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it?s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know whether it?s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I?ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

Love you, MS. Big hugs x

I just mean that I wouldn't call it 'sexy' . Commitment and relationships will definitely require mutual comfortableness about crying about our grief. My heart is open and ready, I'm just amazed she hasn't run away!

REALLY??? About a dead spouse?! Methinks not.

It was actually her who cried first, which is why I got all freaked out and thought it must be my (and ergo dead wife's) fault. We've had sex quite a few times with no emotion like this coming up. Grief doesn't affect me when having sex with women, but it's the letting my walls down and her seeing just how crushed I am by my wife's death that worries me. Whilst completely naked and covered in snot. Sexy and I know it.

I'm casually seeing a girl (we're on date 4) and it's certainly complicated. Both of us have triggering anniversaries this month and are in delicate places. Me being me, I got absolutely smashed yesterday afternoon on four ciders while we took a little doggy she doggysits out for the day. It was, as she called it, the first 'datey date' she's been on in a long time. This is the first time I've been with a dog for two years and it naturally led to lots of reminiscing conversations about my wee puppy. She went to live with my in-laws for a bit when wife and I were having problems and was never returned... This girl is comfortable talking about Elle - far more than other girls I've dated. She found my blog and has digested my introductory post http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/05/28/dating-a-widow/ called 'A open letter to the women I date who discover this blog' so she half knows what she might be getting into. Anyway, probs TMI here, but mid sex (once we'd gotten back to the house - not in the park!!), we both ended up crying. It was awful yet wonderful at the same time. She started crying first. This is a girl who has walls up and is emotionally guarded. I didn't get to the bottom of it truly before I burst into tears too. I told her I felt rejected because of my widow shit. She said it's not that. Cue about twenty minutes of drunken crying and after I'd talked to her and she had managed to compose herself, me sobbing back on her. Like really sobbing on her while she held me tight. It felt like a milestone, yet I'm so terrified I've scared her off now. But, wow, what an amazing feeling it was to have her close, stroking me, telling me I was safe. I miss that. Who else has cried on a new partner? Is this normal? Just rambling

Yeh, I'd say I'm beyond active grieving, but I too feel lonely. I got myself a housemate so it's not silent at home anymore and at least I'm not alone, but I am lonely. I also go on a silly amount of Tinder dates but I know that's just trying to plug a hole that will never be filled again...

Letting you know that I have quite a few wid friends in London. We go for Widow Whine and Wine relatively frequently so do please approach me if you'd like to get involved and meet us.