gracelet

I'm back at my desk in London, feeling utterly exhausted. Worked put the foot down and insisted I come back. My grandmother appears to be on the mend which is a bit of a miracle! Thank you everyone for the positive energy. I did it! I passed the messages on so should anything happen soon, I think I'm covered :-) For more detail, I wrote about it here: http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/09/30/an-impromptu-trip-to-malaysia-the-first-near-loss-post-loss/ My blog has fallen a bit to the wayside recently but if you guys start reading again, I promise i'll write more ridiculous stuff! xx

Massive step. Well done.

Yep. 'How are you dead? You're dead! What the fuck? This is real and you're dead.' Thoughts that go through my head quite often. Then I think, ' I miss you but I'm proud that I'm happy again.'

YES! I suspected it was you when you called me Gracie in another thread ;-) Good to see you back X

Everybody, thank you for your responses. I feel slightly less nuts. I've arrived in Malaysia now and I went straight to the hospital from the airport. She's showing signs of improvement, but not out of the woods yet. I didn't get any privacy as a family friend was there, but I talked to her, explained what was going on and tried to make her feel as safe as possible. They weren't sure if she was recognising people before and understanding stuff, but my arrival showed them for sure that she does - she recognised me instantly, reached for my hand and mouthed my name, even though she can't talk :-) Cleafly I'm favourite grandchild :-p This is so horribly triggering. I never got to say goodbye to Elle while she was alive because she killed herself. Then with my little brother, he was in hospital and I was too scared to say goodbye. Oh so many complicated emotions. And, yes, Maureen, it's nearly the two year anniversary - I'm touched you remember.

I think I'm being weird but I think if anybody understands, it'll be you ladies and gentlemen. I'm about to board a flight to go from London to Malaysia. My grandmother is critically ill. This came totally out of the blue and it's 50/50 right now. She's a super feisty woman so I wouldn't put it past her to beat it but also, she's a very committed Christian and has been waiting for 'the Lord to take [her]' for about the past decade because she's super excited about heaven! I've already said my goodbyes. I saw her just a month and a half ago when I was on holiday and I always am sure to say a proper goodbye to my grandparents as they are both in their eighties. So I've made peace with that. Now, I'm in a flap and want to go back because I suddenly realised that I have so much to say to Elle and I figure I can tell my grandmother what messages to pass on, so to speak. You know, just in case actually Elle can't hear me and all the signs that she's watching are in my mind. Is this totally nuts?? Obviously, I'll be sparing my grandmother the details of how I'm having a great time dating other women and all my drunken antics. I just want Elle to know I forgive her and that I'm happy again but miss her :-( Just rambling. I get stressed like this whenever I'm about to travel.

I too am sorry for your loss. The heart searing pain, the agony, the tears, the panic, the desperation. We on this board were all there too. Your healing has indeed already started. It's a slow process, but you WILL get to a point where joy re-enters your life. Just cling on to that and trust us. Don't worry about how you get there for now. Don't you worry about the jobs and the grades. It's too early. Just breathe. Just function. Get out of bed every day and eat. Ensure your son does the same. That's it. Sending you love and light.

Particularly when I'm stressed, I get paranoid and think people are looking at me. Strangers who know something because I've ended up in the Truman show or something. However, I am bipolar so prone to a spot of this kind of thinking. For the most part, people are not going to be looking at you sweetie. OK, if you're bawling your eyes out next to the milk in the supermarket then probably yes, but it's all in our minds. Friends, on the other hand, like the others say, are a different story...

This is hilarious. Love signs like that :-)

Sweetie, sending you a hug. I'm going through the same thing right now. Being strong for my mum and her siblings whilst struggling with all the emotions myself. It's very hard. Wishing you all the best. We've got this shit. Promise.

Tis a tough day for me as I'm having to take on the responsibility of making major medical decisions for my grandmother's care and flying out to Malaysia all of a sudden. It's also widow bestie's sadniversary this week. So to keep my spirits up: 1) At least I'm old enough and financially stable enough to be able to go and see my grandmother 2) I got a new mindfulness colouring book and I find it really calming 3) I have a widow bestie and a whole widowed community who are more loyal than I could ever have hoped for. Thank you x

Fran, Welcome. I'm sorry for your loss and the horrible, horrible pain you are experiencing. You just keep taking it one hour at a time. Don't even bother thinking about the future. Survive for now. One day, you will find yourself living again. I promise. I'm nearly two years out since I lost my wife. I remember wanting to die too. I came extremely, dangerously close but many of these wonderful people on this board gave me just enough glimmer of hope to keep me going. Scream, shout, let it all out (to quote will.i.am) Xx

Thank you so much for this. My wife was a narcissist. I loved her, but she was emotionally abusive and I only really started to understand that towards the end. It's very helpful to see a list like this in black and white to remind me to tread carefully next time. However, I'm so sorry that you had to go through it in order to share these lessons.

How beautiful. May your marriage be full of love and laughter. Congratulations to all of you xx

Ha, I have period underwear too!!

Totally fine to poke fun at the widow thing. Here is a photo of me in Vegas last week! https://instagram.com/p/7MrfHmJ8fx/?taken-by=g.anglygate In the UK, we have a company called Scottish Widows who, ironically, I have my life insurance and pension with. They're known for having attractive young women wearing a black cloak with a hood over their heads in adverts. Try that out and be all international at the same time? Or go with Jackie O and wear BIG sunglasses and a veil. For a black widow spider, make the legs out of 4 pairs of black stockings stuffed with newspaper.

Just remember that none of it is a personal attack on you. Yes, of course it's triggering, but people (very fortunately for them) just won't get it so do your best to control your responses and reactions in front of them. Coming here to let it out was a very good idea.

Can I add to the cape analogy? My cape can protect me and hide me but it's also a superhero cape. I have literally defied all expectations and surprised people (and myself) with my superpowers that are getting me through this shit. I should change my screen name to Wonderwidow.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I was 27 too when I was widowed. it's shit. It's truly shit. There are no words. For now, just survive. Don't bother faking it til you make it. One hour at a time. One mouthful at a time. One sip at a time. Come here often. Type, don't type. Read. Chat. I spent hours on this site every day for about three months and I still pop in every couple of days at two years out. Focus on YOU, darling. You can do it. Just not all in one go. Baby steps. With love from one baby widow to another x

A detective came round to my house this morning to interview me. It wasn't too bad. It's horribly complicated though - I've done nothing wrong - but it turns out that one of the consequences of someone else's massive boo boos is my legal costs unnecessarily spiraling. I just can't fucking win. Lodger moved in and she's lovely. Then her grandma died and i found her sobbing on the sofa. Good start and introduction though for me to be able to tell her about wife. Wife's best friend gave me a hug when he came round. It was emotional, but it felt like a positive step and I'm proud of myself for being so graceful about it all. I bawled when I got back in the house though (he wasn't comfortable coming in the flat because she died there) But back to the inquest, I made the stupid mistake of clicking on a story headline today in the Daily Mail (renowned here for sensationalist reporting) about a woman who killed herself. Turns out it was the same coroner presiding at the inquest, and she had the same GP who she also saw a couple of days before she died!! Way too much stuff. All packed in. I'm done. (in good news tinder Girl #5 bought me a zen colouring in book. Turns out it's very calming!)

1. Helen bumped this thread. 2. tinder Girl 5 has come round even though it's late so we can snuggle 3. Tomorrow is Friday!

Thank you everyone. I'm almost certain that her own experiences are the reason she didn't run away from mine. Who would love and appreciate her more than someone who's lost their wife and knows how precious time and love is?! The only 'love' she's been given was abuse by people she should have been able to trust. We're talking fucked up cult. No school. Living in compounds. Escaping in the middle of the night. Moving from country to country. Six siblings. Abuse. Brainwashing. And she's never watched the Lion King. She was pawned off as a child model when she was little to make money for the cult. I've seen the pictures on the magazine covers. It's absurd. I've verified the back story now. She's not making this stuff up. What an amazing woman to be surviving that! She's been in therapy for a while now and firmly stays away from that life. Her mother just died, and she doesn't keep in contact with the man who raised her because he's still a cult member. She recognises her vulnerability though. gah. never simple

When I say I'm dating someone with an atypical background, that's an understatement. She revealed to me last night (after about 6 weeks of dating) that she grew up in a cult. Like full on, immersed in a crazy religious world, shut off from society, exploitative brain washing cult. She escaped six years ago when she was 19. I'm scared. Does anyone have any experience at all of this vicariously? She didn't run a mile when I told her about my widowhood so I feel I owe her something too. But oh my god, how can I be strong enough for her if I can't even be strong enough for myself? She's not to blame for any of this and how sad that her life so far has been dominated by people taking total advantage. Shit. And know what's weird? I sensed this from the beginning. Spooky intuition. What do I do? I really like her. PS - I think this takes the biscuit with Tinder finds.

You got this. Get those widow boxing gloves on. I know you can do it!

Oh yes, honey. I get it. I often feel like bawling in duty free. In fact, I did earlier this year. I wrote about crying in the airport on my blog. If it helps, have a wee read: http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/04/07/duty-free-wife/ And this is another one about travelling alone: http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/04/04/travelling-sans-nagging-wife/