gracelet

Partner in crime is great! Despite my and her youth (29 and 23 respectively), I find it odd referring to her as 'girlfriend', even though that is what she is. She's usually just introduced by name or 'this is my woman' in a friendly, funny way. I guess I should really ask her what she feels comfortable with.

1) went to the theatre with my girlfriend and gay bestie 2) my in laws settled. The paperwork is nearly ready. Those of you who know my story know how significant that is. 3) I had a dream visit from wife. She told me she's happy I'm in love.

Had a dream visit from wife last night. We were at university - I'd been trying to blag my way into the college and was explaining to the porter that she had died. Lo and behold, suddenly she was next to me. She told me she approves of new girl. Cue more bawling this morning. New girl must think I'm nuts. She even asked if we should not be in a relationship because it makes me sad. I explained that as well as being sad, I'm incredibly happy and that the last few days have just been, well, a lot to deal with.

I've been seeing new girl since August (we met through a work engagement) and although we've been exclusive since October time, it was yesterday when she finally asked me to be her girlfriend. Technically, nothing changes. We act the same. We're considerate of one another in our planning of schedules. We're honest etc etc. Yet for some reason, after we officially confirmed our status last night, I bawled my eyes out for the rest of the evening. Those heavy, heavy tears. What the fuck? I'm a wife, a widow and a girlfriend. Too many labels. The duality of emotions - happy/devastated, excited/mourning - is such a mindfuck. Am I crazy? It's just a label and I deserve to be in love and happy again. It probably doesn't help that yesterday I also found a compartment under the sofa that I didn't know existed and found my wife's favourite furry blanket in it. I thought she'd thrown it away when she was angry at me and preparing to kill herself. But it's there. I've not seen it for two years and I'm doing that thing of 'Oh my God I must not wash it because she's still on it' thing. It's like going back to 6 months in of grieving and not being able to control myself.

Yesterday/Today 1. I saw my old housemate for a drink and had lots of laughs 2. NG has asked me to be her plus one at a posh dinner. I'm glad she's eager to show me off! 3. Work is going well

I'm horrified. This guy's an idiot. I say this with a rational, experienced dating head on my shoulders. He lacks the emotional intelligence we widows need in a partner. Don't compromise on this one. It's hard to figure out how much is oversharing - I am mindful of just how much I tell my new gf - but flagging that difficult dates are around the corner is perfectly acceptable. Her response when I told her about the anniversary coming up back in October: 'How can I best support you and be there for you?' Perfect.

Leslie, So much love to you and New Guy. Congratulations. What a sweet and original way to propose, and a beautiful ring to boot! Wishing you a lifetime of love and laughter together. Grace x

1) Back at work. I woke up on time! 2) Wrote a new blog post about my tattoo, with pic http://eerilycheerily.com/2016/01/04/an-empowering-watercolour-tattoo/ 3) Body isn't too sore despite going to the gym for the first time in a fortnight yesterday

Brenda, I've been there. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out. You have made a brave (and the right) move in refusing to make the same mistakes again. Repeating bad relationship habits isn't good for the soul and after what we've been through, and continue to go through, we need every positive bit of soul nurturing possible. My wife was horrible to me in so many ways. I have purposely looked out for any warning signs in my new relationship since I now have the benefit of hindsight. Find something to distract with. Mindfulness colouring in, learning how to use excel, painting your nails every few days, going to the gym - whatever.

Fuck guilt. Fuck that even though I know I'm entitled and deserving of happiness, this guilt creeps in and makes me doubt my worth. Fuck that widowhood taints every new happy pivotal memory. Fuck that simultaneous feeling of happiness and sadness. Why can't I just be happy and guilt free? Fuck that she died.

A meal somewhere casual. Sit in a corner and ideally sit next to her, not opposite. Makes for easier hand holding ;-) Walk around an art gallery. Even if neither of you have a clue about art, you can comment on what you like, don't like, be silly, or talk about non art things. Go for a long walk. Pick an area you're unfamiliar with, go exploring. Hold hands if it goes well. Go to a wine tasting evening. If the date is going well, don't drink too much! If it's not, drink the wine and blur the memory. I'd stay away from the movies until a few dates in. You want to be able to talk! Best option - ask HER what she'd like to do.

1. New girl's family like me and I got in so well with them. It was our first meet over new year. They talked comfortably about my widow status in a way that was comfortable for me too. 2. I got to play with their dog. I loved cuddling her. 3. My new tattoo is healing beautifully.

Paul, I'm so sorry for your loss and for the difficult path you are facing. Addiction's a bitch. I have no experience with drugs but after my wife died two years ago, I became an alcoholic. A high functioning alcoholic granted - I held down a job and never went to work drunk - but I needed the booze to numb the pain, to pass the time alone and to fall asleep. You and I both know that what we have done to our bodies is not good for us. You have taken a brave step in admitting your struggles here. I'm glad you could find a safe space. It took me a while to admit to myself that I was struggling with alcoholism (read here http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/03/21/the-gorgeous-alcoholic/ ) and a very stupid incident of having a one night stand with a man (I'm a lesbian) to recognise that I was in a destructive pattern. Please don't let it get to a stage where It takes a massive cock up to knock sense into you. As people above have said, it's crucial to break away from the isolation. People will judge you. Some people might not even believe you have a problem and are just crying wolf. But those who love you - who may be people who completely surprise you - will be there for you and encourage you along the way. It sounds lame and like it would never work but two things that were very helpful for me we're going to the gym to dance classes, and mindfulness colouring in books. Gym gets the endorphins going when I need a rush, and mindfulness helps me switch off and feel the calm. You owe it to yourself to live a happy, healthy life; don't delay, get that help. Reach out to people here who have been addicts in the past. Wishing you all the best. Grace

1. Got a new tattoo after searching for the perfect artist for five years. It didn't hurt anywhere near as much as I remembered my first one hurting. Guess our pain thresholds as widows are extremely high! 2. Played my childhood piano into the wee hours last night. Many songs from musicals that make me happy. 3. Finally had the privacy for a good cry (after almost a week of being stuck with small children and family)

Late here over in the UK. Just finished the two hour Downton Abbey Christmas special. Back in my pyjamas and sleeping in my 16 year old sister's room, in a single bed with a train duvet cover that my brother had when he was 2. I am 29. I made it through Christmas without any proper tears. I had a discrete cry in the shower for about a minute. It took me a full half hour at least this morning before I thought of my wife. I think this is a positive sign. Grief doesn't rule over Christmas anymore. It's there, but the smiles are aplenty. If you're not there yet, don't worry. Give it time. Santa was good to me because I made an Amazon wish list and sent it straight to my father. Subtle. I figure I can get away with it as I am a 'child' but am also pulling widow card. I can also get away with drinking champagne at 9.30am which is precisely what I did today. Whole bottle to myself. There's a plus to being single. Merry Christmas everyone. Be gentle on yourselves. Live. Laugh. Love.

The first wedding I'll have been to since my own is in March. I'm terrified yet excited. You see, I'm going to be singing solo while my friend and her soon husband sign the register. I really hope I don't bawl and have to get up at the front all red. I get it. Joy and heartache all at the same time. Mindfuck.

1) I am on a train up to my father's house and because I went first class, I get 'free' food and booze, whoop. 2) I've discovered two beautiful poems that have really moved me and inspired me in a collection recommended to me by NG 3) I get to see my baby siblings for the first time in a year and a half in just a few hours!

London, England here. I have a little quintet of childless young and baby wids here if anybody wants to join for our Widow Whine and Wine sessions.

1) I woke up sore from doing a dance class last night, but that's good because I finally got off my ass and did some exercise :-) 2) Although work hasn't been slow like I was expecting, what I'm doing today has been really interesting 3) New Girl and her parents have invited me to spend new year with them. It's so lovely that they're not scared of me being a widow

London, England. Come visit! Eurobago.

1) this thread is back! Thank you Helen. 2) NG and I exchanged Christmas gifts this evening and we both felt very special 3) the prosecco I had at my wedding is on offer in the supermarket. I like to think it's wife little Christmas treat to me.

Grinning from ear to ear here for all of us :-)

Yikes. I'm sorry things kicked off in this thread. That's not my intention at all. I just don't like the way reporting, at least over here in the UK, subtly changes approach and tone depending on the legality status. It's almost as if it's implying that it's not as bad to lose your fianc? as it is to losing your legal spouse. Me being hyper sensitive perhaps. Although my marriage was recognised in the eyes of the law, I wasn't 'widowed' in the eyes of some because I'm gay. Just saying. Let's not kick off on a debate about gay widows (because you know who will win :-p )

Michelle Dockery just lost her 34 year-old fiance to cancer. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3360584/Downton-star-Michelle-Dockery-s-fiance-dies-aged-34.html How sad. her acting in the future will for sure be authentic as a young widow. Pisses me off that reporting, such as the above, doesn't refer to her being widowed though. The term needs to be used far more widely, in my opinion, even if couples weren't legally married. You lose the person you committed to as your other half = widowed.

I bawled my eyes out after putting up the Christmas tree. It was down to one single ornament. If you'd like to read, I wrote about it on my blog: http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/12/08/a-sausage-dog-made-me-cry-tonight/ I'm sure some of you with empathise. Love and light to all of you who struggle in particular through this season. Grace x