gracelet

This is an interesting one. How does your bedroom look these days? Is it the same as when DH was alive? Aside from ashes, are there any pictures of him in there? I too worried about introducing someone new to my room. My ex was fully aware that Wife died in the room and how (suicide) and seemed to be ok with it, of all the rooms in the house! She didn't feel comfortable in the rest of it. For me, being in my bed with someone else is somewhat empowering. Like I'm moving forward, comfortable in my own skin, in MY bed, not mine and wife's bed. I did redecorate and re carpet so it's pretty much unrecognisable. I have a new bed frame but a the same mattress. Thus far, with the other women I've brought home (yes, I'm a bit of a player), I haven't revealed that wife died right under where they are sleeping. It's probably a bit of a passion killer. I have no photos of her in here (I'm in bed as I type, hehe) and I will keep it that way, regardless of relationship status. For your new partner though, he knows what he's signing up to, right?

Thank you. Yes, I'm pissed. I don't need this but it is what it is and it's not my fault. Thank you for replying and just acknowledging. It really helps. I have rather a lot of change going on right now so triggers aplenty, leading me to feel low. I've been crying every day which is so unusual. I'm not depressed - just sad for a bit. I know it will pass. I have a lodger moving in on Friday so had to clear through my spare room which was emotional. Letting someone into my private space again is going to be hard but I need the money. I haven't told her about DW. I figured 'hey, in the room nextdoor a woman hung herself' wasn't really going to be helpful in the sales pitch of how fabulous my flat is. There's a new woman in my life who, when spooning me from behind, feels just like Elle. Falling asleep in her arms is wonderful yet so painful. She's been fabulous in everything she says about her acceptance of DW. almost the perfect responses, so I'm wary of believing her. How can she accept that I'm in love with another woman and always will be?mdunno. Final thing - wife's best friend is coming round on Tuesday to pick up some things I've been keeping aside for him. I haven't spoken to him since the week after Elle died. He upped and left. I have no idea what this will be like. A fight? Calm? A long conversation? A quick in and out, 'have a nice life'? Ugh. Once again. Just thanks for letting me vent in a safe space.

I got an email from the police yesterday. I don't know the background exactly but they need to talk to me about wife's inquest and have asked to come see me next week. WTF? The inquest was over a year ago and she died nearly two years ago. Pity the outcome of their investigation can't be 'Surprise! She's not actually dead!' I just don't want to remember it and I've done well in suppressing those memories. My mind is running away with itself, wondering what this is all about and I feel a bit shitty. Second, I've had to raise a formal grievance against a colleague who was thoroughly inappropriate with me at a company function. Sexually inappropriate, insensitive about suicide, and then threatened me. How am I surrounded by such knobends half the time? I only met the guy the once and he was a twat. In order to pursue this, I had to write an official statement and be formally interviewed by an external investigator. Again - it brings it all back. I remember being interviewed by the police while I sat utterly stunned on the sofa having found my wife hanging a two hours earlier, and then being put on the stand in court to give evidence at her inquest. This is shit. I was doing really well and now these stress points have come into my life through no fault of my own. At least I'm able to identify the triggers for this dip in mood. Meh. Just venting. Thanks for reading.

Don't want to sound patronising, but I am proud of you, Helen. You did it! All by yourself! Holidaying alone will never be perfect but, for me, neither was travelling with DW! I'm sorry everyone was lame and in bed early :-( . A good test for you listening to the silence - an important part of accepting our widowhood - though not ideal. Don't let that put you off future trips. I hope you still found it empowering and I know that there are many adventures out there just waiting for someone special like you to enjoy them. Xx

I had sex last night with a girl after the 3rd date (yes, I'm a bit of a player). Is she Future Wife? Don't think so. It continues to amaze me that other people would want me despite my full disclosure of my widowhood, but people do! The time will come for you all if you want it. In the mean time, don't let yourselves go - Mr Right, or Mr Right Now will find his way into your life. I have to say that going to the gym has given me way more confidence that I ever used to have in bed. And I make sure I shave my legs. I do it for ME, not anyone else.

Woop! May your marriage be filled with love and laughter.

(((Jen))) Cry, cry, cry. Get it out. There comes a stage where your body just dehydrates! Be gentle on yourself. Have a treat. A manicure. A new pair of shoes. A bunch of flowers. Self gift when you can. You totally deserve it. Ain't gonna bring Jim back, but you need to focus on you. Surround yourself with positive things, positive people, and it will help. promise. And just want to reassure you that I too am still having the post-holiday crash. Had a full 'How could you leave me like this?' wail last night for the first time in months. It's natural so don't beat yourself up about it. xx

Thinking of you, my NY widow bestie. xxx

Oh boy. Yeh. The anger. My marriage was awfully fabulous and a mish mash of emotion. Am I glad she's gone? No. Absolutely not. Am I glad she's not holding me back? Absolutely yes. I wrote a blog post about it here which you might find reassuring to read. It's called 'Get off the pedestal: you're a fucking bitch, wife' http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/02/27/get-off-the-pedestal-youre-a-fucking-bitch-wife/ You're allowed to say and think whatever you want, hun.

You poor thing. At least we're not men with permanently sore wrists.

I was determined I wouldn't get post-holiday blues but, alas, it has happened. You're not alone, my friend. Ride the waves - you're doing great. Grace

you find the laundry detergent in the fridge.

TK74, I am so sorry for both of your losses. That is so much pain to bear. I am bipolar and came incredibly close to ending my life a few months after my wife died by suicide also. Those with mental illness are dangerously vulnerable after a loss, although many of we widows experience suicidal ideation in some form or another. I hope you and Bella understand that there was absolutely nothing more you could do to help your FIL. Sending you positive energy from the UK.

You'll get to a point where you're not just surviving - you're living. Promise.

Just chipping in, in agreement. Over time, you'll find your energy levels increasing and the widow brain fog de-fogging, which really helps in social situations. I used to have problems simply stringing sentences together verbally (hence the forum and my blog instead!), never mind having the fear of 'everyone is looking at me in pity. Shit, I'm going to cry' My tips - cull people in your address book (if they haven't already culled themselves!) who you know for sure are not a healthy influence on your life, regardless of your own widowhood status. You don't need emotional vampires around you who will suck out your mental reserves so don't invest the energies there. On the other hand, put yourself out there. It's almost like dating. You do really have to pick up the phone and ask and if you meet someone you like, go ahead and ask them if they want to hang out again. Those acquaintances who you always thought were interesting but you never really had time to get to know - call them, email them. One thing I did, which may not work for everyone, was put a Facebook status out saying something like 'I have decided to change out my my pajamas and am venturing back into the world. If anyone wants a coffee, get in touch. Fill my diary!' Some of the loosest connections got in touch and are now permanent fixtures in my address book. Finally, BAGOS. Go to a bago. Host one. Tell everyone to get on a plane to Amsterdam (this is what I did). Support of fellow wids is invaluable. It helped me save my life.

So I'm stuck. I'm in Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia) and my flight to Amsterdam to our Eurobago is severely delayed and is scheduled to leave now at 3am in the morning. All the shops and restaurants in the airport will be closed. I'm getting really wound up about this. I tweeted KLM to ask if they'd give me access to the lounge as compensation. They said no. Then I pulled widow card and explained that I'm a young widow going to meet other young widows and that I'm very emotional about it. No recognition from them :-( I've never had widow card not work before - I don't use it frequently though. On top of that, the girl I've been seeing messaged to tell me that she just got 'the call' from her mother's hospice. She's about to die. Cue tears. Please channel some positive energy in my direction please. I'm not feeling particularly Powerwidow right now and all I want is to meet my wids on weed/wheels at our bago.

DebW, a warm welcome to you and I'm glad you could track us down in our little Widda online hub. I lost my wife to suicide in October 2013 so different circumstances, but grief is grief and it's horrible for us to have to be hurting. But the good comes back and joy re-enters. Promise.

Big hug to you. I call it the calendar of the heart - our subconscious is clocking these significant dates. I too am not one to count the sadniversaries. Jeez, it's fucking hard, isn't it? I want it to go back too. Her to come back. But I've shouted at her enough times since she died that I know it's not gonna happen. We have our new normal now, but I'm bloody glad you guys are all in it with me!

If anybody else is feeling impulsive and wants to escape normal life just for a little bit, come along! There will be Wids in Amsterdam from 16-20th june so you won't be alone. And if you want to tag on London, you know where I'm at...

Mel, I wish you and Mike every happiness. You deserve it. Congratulations! Xxxx

fuck you bank for not knowing what the fuck to do with the form i had to fill in. YOU asked me to come in. 'What's the reason behind your request?' err. SHE'S FUCKING DEAD Fuck you in-laws. Just fuck fuck fuck fuck you for trying to take me for all i have left. You are fucking cruel and you should be disgusted by your behaviour. She loved ME more than anything in the world. FUCK that i let this anger surface again.

Today was Pride in London, as it was in many cities around the world. What a wonderful celebration, and what wonderful news in the US. My facebook wall is awash with people's rainbow filtered profile pics and I love what an open society I am able to thrive in. However, i had no idea that today would be such a trigger for grief. I haven't been to Pride since Elle died. It wasn't a conscious thing; I was just never around. This year, on a celebratory day where the sun was beaming down on london in all its glory, I saw happy coupes all around. Happy same sex couples who are like me and my wife were - out and proud, comfortable in our skin, affectionate, energetic and totally in love. But I'm not that anymore and fucking hell it hurts. Day to day, I am invisible as a gay woman because I'm not in a couple. Add to that, I'm invisible as a widow. Elle always adored Pride - being gay was her identity! She'd get rainbow face paint all over the pillowcase, having drunkenly danced at the street parties with her giant rainbow flag, until I'd shepherded her home and plopped her in a sweaty pile on the bed. Sexy it was not, but I loved that woman. My wife should have been marching with me. She should have been competing with me to blow whistles louder. Instead, i had the gay flag she always wore on her back as a cape on mine. I marched with her old colleagues, and I carried her in my heart. Her company had provided placards where you could fill in the blank "my pride hero is..." And wave them around. I filled mine in to say "My pride hero is my wife and my mum" and I waved that sign as high as I could. People asked where my wife was. I kept my sunglasses on the whole time to hide my tears. A mixture of joy at the memory and a mixture of devastation at the loss, and I marched and I danced and I made as much noise as I could. Some people here I know don't get it. Don't get how someone can be gay. Don't get why we would want to marry. Well get this - I lost the love of my life and that pain is just as real as yours. I wanted to spend eternity with her. Love is love. And when that person is taken away from you, my god do gay widows wail just as loudly as the next widow. We want that recognised - in life and in death. Long live love and equality.

Being gay is my life. It's not about politics. I rejoiced in this news and felt sad at the same time. It's a very triggering day for me as a widow and I just wish I had my beautiful big gay wife here to celebrate with me. Now that is love. And that is grief. Not politics.

Go you! Congratulations and wishing you all the best in your career. xx

OK, gonna be the bitch who says the opposite. Sopmetimes it's too soon. Sometimes the widowed heart just desperately wants SOMEBODY, a body, the kisses, the touch, the sex. You tell yourself it's the real deal. You get the dizzy, head over heels feelings etc. Then you realise you haven't built those crucial foundations that you need to in the early grieving days - the foundations that allow you to eventually become comfortable with sitting in your grief, listening to the silence, and just being you as an individual, not as half of a couple where one person is dead. I fell in love only a few months out. I really did. But she was the wrong person for me and I hadn't done the emotional grieving exercise that was necessary to be my whole self, and give myself fully to the relationship. It's not fair on the other person to only have a small chunk of you, while a significant amount of your energy is still being spent actively grieving. We'll all always be grieving, and our late spouses will always hold a place, but I believe there does come a point where your heart truly does open up. Careful. But all the best to you