gracelet

Carey, Firstly, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. From what you describe, yes, it sounds like depression. I am bipolar and pretty heavily medicated so I'm afraid I can't offer any advice as to ways to help depression without pharmaceuticals :-( Having a career as a widow is a challenge. I blogged about it the other day because I was having to write my self appraisal form. I then wrote a spoof about my technical skills. It probably won't help, but just want to let you know you're not the only one who is trying to find the right balance. http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/03/08/part-one-a-self-appraisal-look-how-amazing-i-am/ Have your bosses flagged any performance issues with you? I've found that sometimes we're worrying that we're doing a bad job, and wasting time, but actually, nobody else is noticing, or indeed they are actually quite pleased with my output! Keep plugging away. As I type, I'm at work, but this is me taking a quick break. My widow brain has subsided but I certainly had performance issues early on when I returned to work (three months after Elle died). I had to change roles but it was a lateral move within the company. I simply couldn't cope with the pace at which I was previously used to and was worried I wouldn't have the stamina to keep up. Making that move was an excellent choice and I'm really happy in my job. I've had to revamp the way I work - I have lists, I take regular breaks, I outsource what I can to the woman I manage and on good days, I will go all guns a blazing at my work. On days where I'm feeling meh, I'll do what I can and then bugger off out of the office early. As a widow early on, keeping a routine is very helpful but not achievable every single day. Do equip yourself with tools and people to support though. Take a look at this page on some basic productivity methods and see if there's anything that will work for your natural personality: http://fijourney.com/get-more-done-a-few-favorite-productivity-methods/ I find it helps to have some inspiring quotes on my desk too. mine are: "They can't scare me if I scare them first" - Lady Gaga "It's not what I do but the way I do it. It's not what I say but the way I say it." - Mae West "No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world." - Robin Williams. They speak to skills I need to remember to focus on in my specific role (legal marketing). Can you try out some new techniques?

hugs to you, Alexswife. I'm on a different timescale but I'm similar to you - the top of my wedding cake is in my mother's fridge, waiting for the birth of the firstborn child we'll never have, I haven't started the scrapbook for which Elle cut out photos before she died, and I haven't even had the official photos printed although I have seen them online. It's too painful right now and I need to protect my heart. Why can't you do both crying and distracting? Spend the morning sobbing, get it out, then distract yourself. Do something nice. Buy a treat. Cuddle your nieces and watch the excitement on their faces as you take them somewhere exciting. More hugs. G x

I regularly fall asleep on the sofa sitting upright with a glass of wine in my hand. I haven't done washing up in 3 days. I'm on the forum while I'm at work...

I had another Tinder date this week. I'm so tempted to booty call her this weekend.

Just want to add, those are not my opening lines to the ladies, just the way I move the conversation in the direction of meeting up or sharing phone numbers. We'll probably exchange a dozen or so messages before I move onto that.

I'm coming on the 17th and leaving 19th. I'll try and get a morning flight out of London. Things I think should be on our list: Anne Frank house walking tour karaoke one night after dinner dancing the other night coffee shop (whether or not people participate is up to you) Heineken brewery beer tasting thing Since there's going to be quite a number of us, maybe we can look into making reservations for the Friday and Saturday night somewhere nice with good reviews (not mega expensive though). I HATE chain restaurants. Injo, could you help with that closer to the time and do the whole speaking in Dutch thing?!

My lines I use on the ladies: Much as I love Mr Tinder / Mr match.com, how about we take this conversation away from his snooping eyes? My number is xxxx Would you be open to meeting up for a quick drink? How would you feel about a quick coffee? I'm enjoying messaging you. Would you like to meet up in person too, maybe over coffee? Meeting sooner rather than later means you avoid wasting time messaging for weeks on end for it to come to nothing. You can probably tell within the space of a week. Of the girls I've been on dates with, I hadn't actually chatted on the phone, just texted. We all got on fine on the dates - I was just myself, bar not dropping the widow bomb yet!

1. Cadbury's cream eggs are now on sale and I had my first one of the year as a treat :-) 2. I did a kick ass presentation this morning to a group of 20 colleagues. 3. Boy Widower messaged back ;-)

Trish, thanks for this. It's a helpful reminder.

It's an emotional minefield. The guilt, the blame, the what ifs - you're absolutely right. The only way I've been able to get my head round this is to have a narrative in my head that makes sense to me - she was mentally ill, took a turn for the worse that she couldn't pull out of, and it was mental illness that killed her. When I feel all the horrible complicated emotions, I remind myself of that truth, and mentally sidestep the other emotions. Re other people, well I can't do a jot about that and I'm angry about it. I understand why you are too. Many think I didn't do enough, that I drove my wife to it. Again, I cling to the truth. But I still feel judged and I HATE that no matter how amazing I look, or perform, or what I achieve, I just can't change how they choose to judge me. I do sometimes feel ashamed telling people how she died... I'm getting better at it, but it's still tough. I forgive Elle for what she did, but not for the surrounding messy circumstances because of my hateful in laws. I'll get there some day.

1. I had my first date with Tinder girl #3 last night and it went really well. She's hot and witty and she kissed me, hurrah. 2. I've booked my hotel for the Amsterdam Bago. I'm so excited that it's happening and that we're all holidaying together 3. The project I'm managing at work is on schedule and the contingency week I've built in (this week) isn't really necessary so my workload today is light.

This is illegal. Do NOT withdraw the money using his cards. You could be prosecuted and banged up in jail for fraud. By the rules of intestacy, that money now belongs to whoever he willed his estate to, or in the absence of a will, the next of kin. Whoever was granted probate will have to go to the bank to close the account and release the funds. They'll require evidence of entitlement to do that (grant of probate).

I lost every single mutual friend of mine and Elle's bar one because they blamed me for her suicide, at least in the early stages, I'm not going to tolerate such cruelty. That one person to stick around is the last person to have seen Elle alive and I think both of us find it massively helpful and healing having one another in our lives still. Those friends who stuck by me are people who were originally "my" friends before Elle and I met. The friends I've gained are either widowed or have lost someone to suicide. There are also people who were acquaintances in the past who, bless them, have welcomed me into their folds. In a way, it's a good thing for me to have a cull at such a young age because at least I don't waste another few decades figuring it out, but it still sucks thinking that I neglected some of my personal friendships and just merged into a couple, going out with her friends.

Hi Bluemoon15, I'm Grace. Welcome to our little community. I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that you'll find this board of help and comfort. I write too, although not yet as a profession. When the book deal offer comes and I have some guaranteed income then I might consider it more seriously! I have a widow blog if you want to check it out. As a relatively new widow, you might think it's totally utter bonkers, but it's there for your amusement should you wish to see how things DO get better! x

Is there an equivalent to the "Active Topics" button on here that brings things up across all boards in order of latest post?

Woop woop. I've booked my hotel too. Latest list: Confirmed and staying at the Wyndham Grace* Boy Widower* Injo* Tweety76* Aicha* Michael797* Just Jen* Suki1* Keen but not yet booked K-REBat Ursula Midnight_man @Helen /Chemie - are you coming? I cannot cycle so shall be tramming and walking with Jen Drunk Gracelet on a bicycle is just a recipe for disaster.

Planning on coming:(*=booked and staying at the Wyndham) Grace Boy Widower Injo* Karen BKLYN Ursula Tweety76* Aicha* Midnight_man Michael797* Just Jen* Suki1* K-REBat Anybody new joining the thread, it's looking like we'll have wids in Amsterdam from 16th-19th July so do please join in. I am anticipating both the Friday and the Saturday night being our big nights where we can have a group dinner somewhere (Injo - where might be good?). None of this one evening bago and then drive home sober malarky. We're going to smash it hardcore 8) I'll book in the next few days. Depending on price, I might arrive on the 16th and have that day too. I'll be getting a late flight home on Sunday so that I have maximum time that day too. Boy Widower is poss flaking but I'll book a double nonetheless

but who is this?!

@JustJen Amazing! So troops, also known as Wids on Weed (WOW), decision is made. We're off to Amsterdam and if as many of us as poss can book to stay at the Wyndham Apollo Amsterdam from 17-19th July, that would be simply marvellous. The hotel's website is here: http://www.wyndham.com/hotels/netherlands/amsterdam/wyndham-apollo-hotel-amsterdam/hotel-overview You may want to use a price comparison website to see if you can get a deal on the room rate. Get booking! This shit is happening. I'll be flying in on the Friday morning and leaving on Sunday evening.

This shit just got real (in a good way!). Let us know how it goes and then I'll get booking too!

I love this thread. In other news, I appear to have broken my vibrator. Damn. At least I've got a date tomorrow night so there are options...

Wyndham looks good to me. I'd be extremely surprised if they're booked out this early. Booking.com and Expedia, among others are showing the option to book. Jen, have you tried searching availability via trip advisor?

Self congratulate for every achievement no matter how small. Brushed your teeth? Ate a meal without throwing up? Posted a letter? Say "Well done me!" to yourself.

Is there a possibility of moving this into General? I still like saying FUCK even though I'm outside the 6-12 months category ;-) Not a problem if you can't. I'll just invade anyway. FUCK that my widow bestie has been upset by her in laws. She deserves to be left to grieve in peace.

I'm Grace and my beautiful Elle died by suicide when she was 26 and I 27. We were the ultimate lesbian power couple with high flying City jobs, the ones who people remembered, the ones who people wanted to hang out with, but also the ones with lots going on behind closed doors. Elle had a history of depression, although not a severe one, but she did have a diagnosis of Churg Strauss Disease which has survival rates worse than most cancers. It took its toll on her body and mind, amongst other factors. We met when we were 21 at university. She was my first girlfriend, my first love, and we married 5 months before she took her life. I'll never forget the horror of finding her (she hung herself, and I still find it odd typing that word out), the trauma it has caused me, but life is good again although I'd obviously rather have her in it in real life, rather than just in my heart. It's been a tough ride, especially receiving the brunt of the blame from friends and family, but I know in my heart that my wife loved me, I loved her, and it was mental illness that took her away from me. I'll always have good memories because she was such gorgeous company, although a total hilarious bitch sometimes. Oh how I miss her, but I'm moving forward, with thanks to support from this board and some special others (and wine).