gracelet

So we had "the chat" last night over the phone. It was nerve wracking but I'm glad I did it. She was getting suspicious as to why I wouldn't part with my last name, even though I knew hers. I knew she was on the verge of googling so I had to call up and do a rushed job of explaining. She responded well :-) Other major news is that I woke up in her bed yesterday. Bad news is that we were both so drunk that it was not exactly 'successful' if you know what I mean. She seduced me! I had a big gig with my band and she came to watch (technically date 5). This meant she also met UK Crew of widow bestie, widow second bestie, boy widower and basically all my close friends. Thumbs up all round, albeit boy widower is understandably miffed but trying not to show it. I met her two best friends too. Promise this is slow. I won't be u-hauling her into my house! Just need to let her start to process my history. I shall resist the urge to constantly text her. Elle has given me a sign every time I've seen her too. I still have that good feeling and it's nothing I've felt before. Woah.

My biggest outgoings are household utilities. It's easy to do a price comparison between suppliers online - there are websites that compare the whole market impartially. By knowing my consumption levels of electricity and plugging them into the calculator, I've saved approx ?120 per year. Took ten minutes to switch over. For tv, just cancel it. You can watch stuff on catch up online. Use Netflix as a treat but share the subscription with two other people so you spread the cost. Vinegar: Agree on the vinegar point! It's good for de scaling the kettle too - just rinse properly after! You can also soak your shower head in vinegar for an hour or so to get all the gunk out and sterilise it. Soda crystals: For unblocking sink drains or just giving them a freshen up, use soda crystals instead of expensive unblocker. Soda crystals also work for getting rid of stubborn sweat smells in laundry (use to compliment laundry detergent) but do be careful if you have sensitive skin. Coconut oil: This works for everything! Buy it from an Asian supermarket or online to get the best price. You want the 100% stuff. Use for baking, as body moisturiser, to de-redden acne, put a small dollop in your hands and run through wet hair before drying to use as a smoothing treatment instead of things like Argan oil. Hope these prove useful for people!

Reading this, what strikes me is that you guys really do care. Thank you! I value all your opinions and respect the decisions each of you have made on this journey. I am definitely one to do the #OHMYGODMARRYME in writing, but actually not act it out in person. Thank god for the board and my blog! I physically go way slower than I write - guess that's why I write because I need to be cautious, process things and not make any more unwise decisions ie thinking with my vagina. Thanks for keeping me in check ;-) Don't get me wrong, I make unwise decisions when it comes to sex (well done me though for figuring out boy widower was a stupid fucking idea despite the attraction and empathy) but when it comes to love and a future, I have a heart to protect. I've always known that. What happens with this woman will happen. Or it won't. I'm not going to stop being me for someone else though. Don't worry - I won't abandon all sense of self. I expect the person I'm with to love me, flaws and all, and I will reciprocate. But we must operate on a basis of mutual respect - that's what I lacked with my wife actually and I'm not going to accept it again. I admit it - I love attention. I love when a pretty girl expresses interest. It makes my mind run away with itself. Still, this time, something. Different. Scary. Amazing. But no rush. Life may be short, but it's long if you're with the wrong person. I'm fucking superwoman and i deserve to be with another superwoman.

Brenda, I'm so sorry. i can copy and paste everything you've just written. literally everything. i know how much it hurts. all i can say is that, with time, you'll need to let go of the anger - as will they - as it will eat you up inside otherwise. big gay love x

I'm being slow! It's just my mind running away. Coffee dates, no sex, no heavy petting. It's like old fashioned courting which is allowing us to talk lots and share opinions on lots of things (a lot of politics!). With Elle, I knew. I got this feeling. Something is happening again now. Maybe she's not forever, but maybe she's "now". The mental illness thing is obvs my main concern because of Elle's suicide. She didn't even have hardcore depression, so to speak, yet she died from it. Dare I go near it? I dunno. In some ways, it would be hypocritical of me because I suffer from bipolar myself and know full well that my medication keeps me on even keel the vast majority of the time. I wouldn't want someone to reject me based on that so early on, just as much as I wouldn't want them to reject me on the basis of my widowhood. There is so much more to me. So, I guess, there is so much more to her. Saw her again last night. We squeezed in a quick drink after work. She's super fit and I find it hard keeping my hands off her!

I've been dating for a bit now - lots of great dates, lots of sex (!) - but she's something different that has taken me by surprise. I just have this inkling. I shall be telling her sooner rather than later. Just nervous about doing it, even though I've told other people I've dated fairly quickly. I also need to be cautious about timing this month - it's my anniversary later this month and the in laws look like they may finally be coming to a compromise with me over the house. A knock back could affect me more than it should! I actually think she's already done the google... maybe it's a test to see how honest I am with her. Meh. dunno.

Married five and a half months. Not even married - civilly partnered. Gay "marriage" was introduced after she died. Same rights, but different in name, but YES, the name makes a difference. We were together five and a half years. I am so grateful for that and how she shaped me as a young adult. Do I feel robbed? At one point, yes I did. Now, I've come to realise that it's not about the time we had, but the intensity of love. And that was a shit load of love. "Measure your life in love" is a quote from the musical Rent, and the song Seasons of Love, which is poignant for me. When I finally figure out a design, I'll get it tattooed on me. Google the song! It's shitty that objectively we didn't have as much time with our loves though. I get it.

Hoorah! A baby girl! Congratulations.

I think I've found the woman I want to be with, but I'm scared. It's astounded me how open my heart is to love - I'm not looking to fill a gap or just have a bit of rampant sex! This girl and I met via Tinder, which seems ridiculous because she's far too intellectual, passionate and emotionally switched on to come from an app like that. She's smart, she's savvy, she understands about grief because she lost her mum when she was a teenager. She's gorgeous, engaging and has such a brilliant outlook. We talk and talk and I have enough respect for her not to want to jump her and drag her home for rampant sex (which, for those of you who know me or read my blog will know, is pretty epic). I want to get to know her, to be there for her, to lavish her in attention, for her to do the same with me. Only, I haven't told her yet that I'm a widow. We are only a couple of (slow) dates in. Pressure off for her, and pressure off for me, we've agreed. Just getting to know one another. So when should I let her fully get to know me? She's only 25 and I fear this is too much for her to handle. Major down side? she's suffering with mental health issues. Dare I be in a relationship like that again? Oh, I just don't know. That's why I'm scared. This girl, with all her flaws, has gotten me excited in a way I haven't felt since I first met Elle. However, I face the possibility of a relationship marred by mental illness. Gah. Just venting, sorry.

When celebs are widowed, I often wonder if they'd ever engage in boards like this. I can't imagine not having my widowed online community for support. To not be able to engage and participate fully because of the fear of snooping eyes must be incredibly difficult. The tabloids can be a bitch. All very sad.

Wishing you a happy birthday, darling xx

Sprayed Elle's perfume onto the pillow on her side of the bed the other day knowing full well it would be likely to set me off. It's self harming, yet for a split second, it's like she's there. I so get it!

Wids, I got angry and spent today blogging a response to the inventor of the widow dildo. Please can you help share it as widely as you can - facebook, twitter, whatevs! http://wp.me/p5E2Zs-4K I'm on twitter @eerilycheerily G xx

Brenda, I had friends, but those friends blamed me for Elle's suicide, so overnight I was shut out. I know a lot of us find our friendship groups shift after being widowed, but my shift came about through actively, willingly being abandoned. Like Wifeless, I was lucky if I got a few phone calls. It's actually only ever my mother or the bank that calls me even now. Do you have any loose acquaintances? Do you work? This was my route to meeting new people. I figured I had nothing to lose so I dropped a couple of notes to people I didn't know very well and asked if they'd like to go for coffee. I looked through the near strangers who had sent messages of sympathy and decided to get in touch with a few of them. Only a handful have blossomed into friendships but, my goodness, what special friendships they are. On the work front, I'd stay behind if someone ever asked if anybody wanted to go for a drink after work. I found there was a band so I joined that as a singer. I guess it depends on the size of your organisation but mine had a few options. Does yours offer Ny opportunities? I can't stress how important it is to meet other wids. It's worth the long drive or journey. You must actively seek these out though so check in on our widowbago section of the board. I'm fortunate in that I live in London and within a couple of weeks here I met another london widow on the board. She's been invaluable and we've been crazy together. I also facetime a lot with MissingSquish and text a few of the others. That's a good half way point. There are also things like Camp Widow - not everybody's cup of tea but very good for people who have been isolated in the middle of nowhere and need some structured support for a few days. Google it, Hope that sparks some ideas.

Bahahahahahaha. This is the funniest thing I've read in days. One thing I've thought about - for those with shitty in laws who demand ashes, you could get one of these, put it in a nice box with a ribbon and a card that says "go fuck yourselves."

Heck yes. Widow bestie and i call them griefblasts because of the suddenness and how they can be over pretty quickly. Doesn't diminish the hurt though, or the puffiness around my eyes.

I shit you not. This is a REAL THING. http://mashable.com/2015/04/27/dildo-urn-ashes/?utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link i love Elle, but this is a step too far.

Hard couple of days for me so I need to revisit this thread. 1) I discovered two new widow bloggers who seem to be cut from a similar cloth to me (swearing, sex etc...!) 2) I managed my time well enough last week to be able to not do anything today while I stayed home 3) I got all my laundry done and everything smells lovely.

I don't know what it is about me, but people seem to open up to me far more than before I was widowed. Regardless of what they're grieving, be it a relationship, a job, a spouse, or whatever hardship they're facing, my advice is always the same. Surround yourself with positive people and positive things. Life's too short to waste it on energy sappers. You don't need to know exactly where you're going or your purpose - there is so much we can't control - but you can control the people and things immediately around you. Cling onto that and make it happen. It truly makes a difference.

Brenda, I too am popping over to reassure you that what you're feeling is normal. My wife died 18 months ago and I've been through some extremely dark phases where I came close to ending my life, despite knowing how devastating that will be to my family. I felt I had no purpose at all, that I couldn't achieve anything. What was the point? I can't pinpoint when it happened exactly, but when I look back at my old diaries, at the pain filled letters I used to write to Elle in the months after her death, it is clear that I have come on leaps and bounds, and bounced back. I am alive again. I've found a mojo that I'm not sure was ever inside me before, but it is now! Sure, I'm sad a lot. Today, I'm taking the day off work because I had a mahusive grief blast last night and this morning. It's the first time in months I've had to do this and I attribute it to it being her birthday next week. Expect to be sad. Expect the grief to come in waves. But also expect calm, joy, life. I promise it will happen. Purpose, I dunno. I've never known what my purpose was, even when she was alive, but for sure now, when I smile, those smiles are genuine. One step at a time.

Now my consciousness has taken over. It's Elle's birthday next week and my wedding anniversary in a month. I never spent a wedding anniversary with her. She'll forever be 26. How can this be? I don't get it. Never in a million years did I think I'd be in this position, rebuilding, living, but without my love.

I am still in a battle with the in laws over half of the house (gay, blah, blah, I killed her, my fault, idiots, lah lah lah) but hopefully we will settle soon. I am contemplating moving. I don't need this much space and the property has gone up a lot in value so sensible me wants to realise that investment and move up a rung. That was the plan for me and Elle at the time she died. Another part of me can't figure out which area I'd move to. The transport links where I am are fantastic, so are the amenities, I have the Olympic Park nextdoor. It's hard to beat. Then I wonder if actually I'm just using that as an excuse not to move when in reality, I'm not ready to let go of the memories. I have redecorated a bit though so the house is more me. Ah, I dunno. Living alone is hard though, but what I need. Blogged about it last night if anyone wants to take a look.

Isn't it awful? I've been praying about it - whole country grieving at once. Incomprehensible. I've also been thinking about all these people who are living in hope that their loved one is still alive, when the rest of us realise that the chances are they are very much dead and their body may not be found. I saw a facebook post this morning shared by a friend from a girl whose mother is missing and asking for information. How tragic.

Well, here's a laugh for you. My work will no longer allow me to access my blog from the office. It is now being flagged as "pornographic". Who'd have thought a grief blog would be pornographic?!?! Well, turns out mine is, apparently. But there's not even any naked pictures - just me complaining about lack of sex and talking about grief shit. Also, it appears that I swear a shit load more than your average person, hence it being blocked by work 😳

sexsexsexsexsexsex. I just want really close, bodies touching, romping til exhausted sex. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so.