gracelet

Crazy response, this time from me. Sometimes, I'm like a sex crazy man. So this pretty girl and I are nicely messaging. We've had some good chat this week, ranging from philosophical to food, to funny silly stuff etc. Yesterday, she tells me that she's hosting a little gig and there will be a flautist. I don't see the message until very late last night when I was off my face. My response: "I was once a flautist". Excellent tongue and lips. how was your evening? I drank five too many glasses of prosecco." Cringe. She hasn't responded. Bollocks.

I don't get it either. Yes clearly I prefer women. In fact, I more than prefer. I don't like men ever! And never go looking. There's just something about this one specific man. A connection, a tension, an understanding. Goodness knows what he's done to me. This is why it's such a mindfuck.

Elle and I travelled extensively together - always a combination of adventure with some luxury. I think we only ever did one package holiday. As I don't have children, I've been able to up and go whenever I fancied. I don't know how you all do it with kids in tow. Much respect. I can only look after myself!! If anybody wants travel tips on some of the places I've been to, please do get in touch. Happy to share. I used travel as my escape for many significant dates. I can't afford it all, but fuck it. In 2014 I went to Courmayeur, St Lucia, Toronto, Paris, Egypt, Malaysia and Thailand. Courmayeur (Italy) was a ski trip with work. V Emotional as it was my first time on holiday without Elle and my colleagues were still tiptoeing around me at that point. Whizzing down the mountain and fresh air were great though. St Lucia was the recharge I really needed and a reminder that I need to look after my body as well as my heart. It also reignited my passion for singing and feeling real joy. I met great people who didn't know anything about my background. I could be me. Toronto was for Camp Widow - an interesting experience. I won't go back but I'm glad I went. Schadenfreude... Toronto itself is a wonderful city. Paris and Egypt were with ex girlfriend. Paris was very significant though because it was while sitting alone in Notre Dame Cathedral with tears streaming down my face that I forgave myself for how I'd hurt Elle and I forgave her for killing herself. I remember feeling a weight lifting off my shoulders and then bawling as I lit a candle for her and my brother. Egypt was just a dull "sit in the sun and do nothing" holiday with lots of evening sex. Thailand and Malaysia were the real game changers because I organised the whole thing myself and travelled by myself with nobody to meet. Well, with the exception of the serendipitous night spent with Boy Widower. With hindsight, my drunken behaviour was appalling (including sex with the Swede) but I had a bloody brilliant time, tried out new things (riding an elephant) and ate amazing food. Widow diet = bikini body. This year, I'll be off to Budapest in Hungary with my old housemate, Amsterdam with a fantastic set of Wids from this very board, and Las Vegas with my gay hairdresser bestie. Fun times!

I don't even want to know what box sex is, thank you very much. I'm a total innocent. Well, bikini wax didn't totally go to waste... I was at a super posh LGBT charity do with work last night. Seduced one of our clients... It won't come back to bite me though as she isn't a buyer or decision maker, rather she just works at a client company. That's what I call good networking and client relationship management. I decided to screw subtlety and went straight for the "if I asked you to come home with me, what would you say?". No sleep til 4am ;-) BW doesn't know what he's missing.

Ha, indeed a typo! I hadn't even noticed. BW and I had a heart to heart last night. He's feeling a bit down and guilty about lots of stuff. Makes sense he feels guilty about sexting a lesbian widow for the past three months... Well, he also got a picture of my boobs in a nice lacy bra last night ;-)

Deed has not occurred and may now not be occurring. How is it that when I start to get my head round something, the goalposts fucking move?? Got a fucking bikini wax and everything. Thank God I didn't go whole hog. I can't even blog about it in detail now because as soon as you google Boy Widower, up pops my blog!!!! Terrified he will find it.

HOW DOES IT WORK?!?! I find myself only a few days away from probably more than likely hopefully but terrifyingly away from having sex. Elle is probably watching me now thinking "what the holy fuck, Grace?" What a curve ball. I've done it before but I was drunk. Now there's a man who wants me, I want him, and the end result will be hilariously tragic or hilariously wonderful. Not in between. Gaaaaah. This time next week, I could be PREGNANT. (I won't, don't worry. But I could)

Oh Maureen. You are one special woman. Xxx

(((Too soon))) You bloody well made it happen. Take every ounce of credit. Living in the now, honouring your past, but looking forward. You go!

http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/03/21/birds-of-a-feather-widowbago-together/ A wonderful weekend and so special to share with two wids who I "met" in chat. For anyone who hasn't been to a Bago or connected in some way, DO IT. Preferably include whisky or wine (or weed, in the case of upcoming Amsterdam)

Wids on Weed now stands as follows: Confirmed (*= staying at the Wyndham) Grace* Boy Widower* Injo* Tweety76* Aicha* Michael797* Just Jen* Suki1* Wnella Helen* Keen but not yet booked: K-REBat Ursula Midnight_man New Amsterdam wid (K-REBat friend) This is actually going to be epic. I can't wait to meet you all! Helen will make sure I behave ;-)

I need hot sex with someone who wants me so much that they don't give a toss if I've shaved my legs or not. Who desires me regardless of what greying underwear I'm wearing. Who actively WANTS to get to know my body, not just have a quick fuck.

Fuck people who are perfectionists. They've had nothing wrong in their lives that gives them a sense of perspective. They are NOT WISE. A colleague, who went back on a decision, just quoted Wilde at me: The well-bred contradict other people, the wise contradict themselves. I just found this hilarious quote and wish I could respond with it: ?Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.? ― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Hurrah! Updated list for Wids on Weed Confirmed (*= staying at the Wyndham) Grace* Boy Widower* Injo* Tweety76* Aicha* Michael797* Just Jen* Suki1* Wnella Keen but not yet booked: K-REBat Ursula Midnight_man New Amsterdam wid (K-REBat friend)

1) Boy Widower and I have scheduled another rendezvous ;-) 2) MissingSquish put up with me drunk on FaceTime last night and we had a hilarious chat 3) Had band rehearsal today and my two solos are sounding great with the guys. They're a really talented group.

Jason, you rock.

Where's the like button??! Love 3 and 4.

1) Widow bestie and I went to get our hair cut and coloured together yesterday at my gay bestie's salon. 2) gay bestie and I are going to Vegas, baby! It was a bit of an impulse buy... 3) I spent time redesigning my website and think I'm getting the hang of it now.

What I neglected to say in my last post was that I definitely couldn't do without my widow friends IRL and the widow friends who I connect with one to one online. It was the loss of the YWBB as a board that I considered wouldn't be the end of the world and I understand the difference to what you were saying. Indeed, I'm organising (well, I'm not organising, I just suggested and bizarrely people agreed!) the bago to socialise and meet the people I've been chatting too for so long now. I'm sorry you can't come this time, Fleur. Next time? We're all individuals and although being widowed is a huge common denominator, it doesn't mean we all have to agree. But, I value everyone who is part of this community and appreciate all the contributions. They have, after all, helped me get to this point. G x

Thanks everyone. I shall go and have a listen.

She had a real talent. What a knob. Honestly, you couldn't make this stuff up.

This racist Tinder girl dug herself in a hole with me massively... Here's a screenshot because I can't figure out how to upload a picture here, sorry! http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/02/16/idiots-on-tinder/

Right wids, I need collective brain power. My band are playing in a rock competition and we're trying to pick repertoire. I need pretty well known ROCK songs that have saxophone or brass in them, or have potential to. Can the musically inclined of you get your thinking caps on? The rest of the band is made up of electric guitar, bass guitar, drums, and three female vocals if that helps. Thus far, I have Uptown Funk.

This is very interesting and I'm glad we can all be honest with one another. The way the YWBB's closure was communicated and handled is appalling, no question about that. We have so many vulnerable wids around and it's clear from many of the recent posts that people are grieving the loss of the board, as well as their spouses. I, however, am not one of them. Shock horror. I still check the board every day but my frequency of posts has been dramatically decreasing and starting to be limited just to the bago section and social encounters (mainly because I can't talk to my friends in IRL about how horny I am and that I fancy a man!). About a month ago, I found out that my health insurance will no longer cover my therapy sessions. Initially I was thinking, "what the hell am I going to do?" but in a very short space of time, I realised that, actually, I am equipped with so many coping skills that I know I can "go it alone". I feel confident about that. I kinda feel the same about YWBB. Sure, waves of grief will come and go, but I know that as a sister who lost her brother 10 years ago, I no longer define myself as the girl with the dead brother. I don't think of him every day. I suspect I will get to this point in my grief for my wife, as awful as that sounds because I loved her so much and she was such a character. When I found out the news about YWBB, I was, as per usual, drunk. I'd had about 10 posh cocktails, blown ?130 on the Amex and was dancing around in my heels with a bunch of famous burlesque stars who are friends of friends in trendy East London. A bit bizarre, but totally normal for a creative 28 year old on a Friday night. And as surprised as I was, I looked at the message about YWBB and then tucked my Iphone back in my purse. I didn't stop dancing. I didn't stop drinking. I didn't stop flirting with a very prominent anti-death penalty campaign leader. I just continued as I was. The path I'm on is a pretty good one. OK, it's not the healthiest, but i'm just a reckless 28 year old! I will not be going back to the old board to copy and paste my posts. I have moved past that - I don't need a reminder of the pain. it would be self torture, like putting on my wedding dress, playing the song we had at our wedding and looking at the thousands of pictures of us together. I avoid that. Of course I still grieve my wife though but a lot of the emotions I feel are down to being a survivor of suicide. It's excellent that we've been able to congregate in this new bit of the web and I will continue to participate. I agree that it's valuable to get some pearls of wisdom from you wids who are further out. Please post occasionally. I guess my motivations for sticking around (of course I'll need a pick me up every now and then) are a) I need to talk about sex sometimes, and b) I think that as a young lesbian widow, I should be visible. There are no active lesbian widow resources and should more join this club, I do want them to know they're not alone, to be able to google and find something. I don't think being a lesbian widow means I face any particularly different emotions to everyone else but in the early days, I know I felt totally disheartened that I couldn't find any resources. That was until I stumbled across YWBB and found a gay/lesbian thread. I have started a blog about my widowhood, being a visible lesbian is one motivator for this, but I am increasingly finding it being read and liked by non-widowed people. I refuse to be a career widow. My every facebook post will not be about grief. I went to Camp Widow last year. It was awful and great simultaneously. I'll be the bitch who says that. It was GREAT to meet YWBB'ers there and, sure, I cried but as I watched other widows nod like obedient disciples at a half hour long key note using a cement mixer as an extended metaphor for coping with grief, I thought to myself, "this is total bollocks and I don't want to live like this." I see value for some in it, but not me. So where am I going with this? Well, not sure. Basically saying, I know I can live without the board and realising this shows me how much I've progressed in my grief. I'll admit to be slightly scared of the backlash from saying this though...

My stomach stopped being able to process lots of different types of food. I'd feel sick all the time and throw up on occasion. I switched to vegetarian and that helped a lot. I have bipolar disorder so it's hard to tell what is grief and what is a depressive episode. It's just a big jumble. I have suffered extreme psychological distress caused by my wife committing suicide. My bipolar has at times needed treatment in amongst it all, but has not been the sole cause of needing treatment. I have no history of needing prolonged treatment for bipolar and I have never been treated as an inpatient, but I worry that what I've been through will make my bipolar flair up, especially around anniversaries. More dangerous, in fact, will be if I get manic.