Captains wife

Mine is pretty evident. But the background is that my late husband got his Captains license (for boating) when we were married and he switched careers - to become a rescue Captain after having worked in real estate for his entire career. He so loved working on the water but unfortunately this new career led to his demise. He was the one who introduced me to boating and taught me to sail - which I am active in now. And I am thankful for that.

You cant even get into the YWBB site now....in a way, wish I could have saved some more entries. Feels like a part of the past few years have been erased, kind of like my marriage (which seems so long ago now). Thankful too that we have a new site to keep the widow/widower community together.

I was talking to my grief therapist today and I told her I wanted to stop losing it emotionally over what I perceived as "little things" in my life. The littlest things these days can put me in a flood of tears and the thought of coping with these things seem overwhelming. But she explained to me that I (us as widows/widowers) were still dealing with tons of grief and because a lot of society doesn't want to deal with death/our grief over losing a loved one, then we can bottle it up and we carry around with us while trying to appear that all is just fine. And these events in our life, these reminders can be triggers that cause a release of emotions.

Good idea Trying. I hear you on the over-analyzing. I do that for my professional job as a financial market analyst - I think about everything ALOT when it comes to my work so its so hard to turn that off with my social life. As many on here recommend, I too want to just enjoy my current time with someone. Let me know how you get there ?! : ) Maybe I should just make sure my mind thinks of anything else.... I just wonder if the "uncertainty" of where the relationship is going gets to us, whether its the difference between having a married life vs dating someone or whether we (ummm, me) feels unfulfilled in their relationship for various reasons.

Your post on Trust resonated with me and I am sorry you have gone through this. I have serious trust issues I am trying to overcome - not only did I lose my husband suddenly but I felt abandoned by alot of people (including certain family members) after he died, and then I also found out some "secrets" my husband was keeping from me when I went through his stuff 4 months after he died. So I initially tried to reason with myself that I dont need anyone except me and my toddler son. Yet, as I drift through widowhood, I have realised that I needed to let people in a little bit more and I am trying hard to trust again. But its not easy...by a long shot. There is also a part of me that thinks I will be alone too, over the long run but I am trying to change that because I know deep down that isnt what I really want. Wishing you all the best,

Honestly, that is ALOT. Im sorry. And it is frustating when we cant seem to get a break, any break. Venting here is good for you as no one else outside this forum will really understand - and the financial pressures of being a single parent are brutal. You havent failed - you are just having a rough time, understandably. Maybe you can try and tackle one thing at a time, breathe, move onto the next. Can you get any more financial assistance as a widow - ie. I think you can apply for reduced property taxes for example ? Look on Craigs List for a free appliances - I know I have given away appliances in the past that way. I think you mentioned you tried this but try again to negotiate with your creditors so you can pay a little but still afford what you need for you and your kids. I dont know what state you are in but can you somehow get help with your healthcare costs via Medicaid? Please take care,

My sister just got married in Feb. She asked me to be the Maid of Honor, which I was happy to do for her. I am happy for her and new husband and the wedding was beautiful but it was very hard for me, admittedly. All the guests at the wedding were relatively newly married, some with young kids - just starting out on their journey together. Although I was with my family, part of me felt very alone. I was doing fine until the pastor said the "until death do you part" part of the vows and I had to do everything in my power not to cry. Think I had a smile plastered on my face. I am so happy for my sister but I am mourning for what I lost at the same time.

I hope things become clearer for you MMT. This is tough. I told myself after losing my husband suddenly that in the future I would stop wanting more and be more appreciative of who I have in my life. Why is this so hard to do ? I keep analyzing my post widow relationship too and its driving me crazy - does this mean we are not happy, we expect too much, we want more, we feel unsettled..I just dont know. And how do we decide?

I watched a great documentary this evening via Amazon Prime Video called "Happy" and I found it inspiring. The doc was about what drives happiness, how to measure happiness and the different forms of happiness. Shows how different cultures are happy (or unhappy) around the world. Would recommend it ! This is something I am really working on - to be happy with this life that I have.

I feel for you on this issue - I have read your posts and having similar issues with someone I am dating myself. I think it was ok to tell him you were hurt that he didnt check in. But, to be fair to him, it was kind of him to call you initially and check in - so that is a good sign. The "problem" I have found in this new dating life is getting what you feel you want and need in a relationship is hard if the person isnt "built" that way. I think part of it is that he probably doesnt fully understand how much you were hurting so thought all was ok and he might not have thought he is was being insensitive. I am finding now I am needing more support than maybe in the past in my relationship but I am dating someone who isnt particularly sensitive to this or my needs - and he is a great person in many ways but he doesnt think like I do about situations and he is "tougher" than me emotionally. I think in your case too, maybe he just cant read what you are really needing ? Im sorry that he isnt supporting you like you want, though, that in itself must be frustrating. And please dont "blame" yourself. Relationships are a two way street.

MMT - I am so sorry, that cannot be an easy decision to make. Navigating this world of dating as we are further on in life, with kids, our baggage, other people's baggage is rough and I dont think a lot of people (not in our situation) fully understand that. The positive thing is that you two are talking about it and you have a great connection with someone new. I miss sharing my life with someone too and it is my ultimate goal although I have no idea how I am going to get there. I'm sorry your kids are struggling with grief and thus it is harder for you to manage your social life as well. From your post, it does seem that being "together" is not going to happen any time soon but might this not change in the future, when your kids are older ?? I think the financial situation is something to consider if it will never change - I think its not the most important thing by any means but it can create tension down the road (just based on my own personal experiences). I don't want to make any decisions for anyone (and I am having a tough enough time trying to figure out what to do with my own dating life!) but I think it comes down to what you really want with your life and what you and your family can work with. If you are ok with separate lives for a while, especially while your children are adjusting to this new normal and still growing up, and you two can find ways to keep connected then maybe its just part of this adjustment post widow? If you aren't getting everything you want from this relationship and don't see that changing at all in the future, then that does take more consideration. I am sorry, you have a lot on your plate generally these days and this must be hard to also deal with on top of everything else. Its so hard to know when its "right" these days......and when to just move on. Sending lots of virtual support !

Awesome thread - I have done a lot of online dating so feel like I have seen it all. Literally. I had one man email and tell me I looked to be a very conservative lady - and that a man like him to make me "less conservative" (in bed). Oh boy. I seem to also have issues with pervy men that go away and then return. I got a text last night from a guy that I went out with over a year ago - who, out of nowhere, said he really needed to see me, begged to go for dinner with hm....he was having horny thoughts about me etc etc. (I don't want to elaborate on what else he put in his text) and that he decided he really, really liked me....Oh really?

Thank you for posting. I consider myself a career woman and have worked hard to get where I am. I work because I enjoy my career but also out of necessity- i have a now almost 4 year old to support and a house etc. my hours in financial research are set by the workday but when working on special projects I work overtime, and at home evenings and weekends as well as having to travel on occasion. Honestly I am exhausted trying to juggle both but I am fortunate that I can pay for a local nanny to help me out. My son is now at an age where he understands I go to work and often asks "you're not going to work today are you? Can you stay with me?" Sometimes there are tears although recently he has not cried as much. My husband had a less demanding job so he was a primary care giver. I definately have some guilt about how much I am away from my son and issues trying to balance work and home life. I feel I am often missing out on his accomplishments and I am always the parent that forgets to sign up for parent teacher meetings etc. My career has also suffered somewhat so I also often feel I am doing two jobs and not doing either one particularly well. What I have tried to do is set special time aside for my son ie. I can take Friday's off if I work 4 ten hour days and make sure it is quality time. I try and work from home here and there so I can see him in the am and when he gets home from school. I try to explain the necessity to go to work although I know he doesn't fully understand but I try to make sure he feels well loved. At work, I try to do the best I can but have also resigned myself to the fact that I can't devote quite as much time to my job now that I am a single parent. I also don't have the time nor patience to play the politics at work anymore - it just seems less important after losing my husband. I feel like I would like to do better as a parent in particular but here I also have realized there is only so much one human being can do and I try to make small adjustments here and there. Wishing you all the best, this is not easy....

Sorry MissingSquish....we are on similar timelines and I understand. You have a very positive attitude but went through such a loss. I personally want my grief to go away but it won't. I have also recently gone through those pangs of missing him and it's painful. I feel I am doing all the right things but I still really miss him and our married life. Lots of hugs and be good to yourself.

A lot of women(and men) are wary of online dating so sometimes if a "let's meet" comes too early, it may cause some hesitation. I would offer to speak on the phone first and you can offer up your number and ask if there is a convenient time to talk. If conversation going well, then mention coffee or date. And I think sometimes people are online for companionship so just like the banter with limited interest in doing too many dates. All the best,

Agreed with other posts - this is very common, I went through the anger phase around 6 months, I remember 9-10months was brutal and I still, at almost 3 years out, periods of real anger for suddenly losing my husband and having to deal with everything myself. At first I didn't deal with it well but over time I am getting better - I started seeing a grief therapist, I keep busy, I took up active aerobics, I cut back ALOT on drinking and I learned to find ways to chill out (yoga) or if I felt like I was going to lose it and my son was around, I would just leave the room for a few minutes while I calmed down. This journey is tough so don't be tough on yourself - I hope some of my suggestions helped. Wishing you all the best,

I am now on relationship number 2 post widow. I am having some great times with these new relationships but admittedly struggling too. Have wondered for a while whether I should take a break from dating completely but the issues is, given my circumstances, that I tend to get lonely pretty quickly. I think finding a match at this stage in life isn't easy.....but I am willing to keep trying !

My name is Juli. I lost my husband suddenly in a boating accident exactly 2 weeks before our 3rd wedding anniversary, back in 2012. He had made a career change and was working for a recreational boat towing company when he was called out to help a local boater in distress. Unfortunately, the job took hours and the weather deteriorated - and his boat went down around 1AM. I had talked to him on the phone at 11PM as I had called him, worried about the deteriorating weather - he seemed ok, the boat was handling fine and he said he was tired and hungry so I went downstairs and put his dinner out for him. I received a phone call from the Coast Guard at 3AM, informing me that he put in a MayDay call and he was missing. I don't even like to think about what he went through in those last minutes of his life. The Coast Guard and a lot of local boating volunteers were searching for him for hours and the boat (and his body) were finally located in the late morning the next day. I heard the entire search and rescue on the VHF radio my husband had in his office. I also went to "pick up" my husband's body that morning and I remember how numb I felt. We had just bought a large house in a small town and had a 9 month old son, with plans to have another child. I had to inform his family, his friends what happened and it was the worst calls I ever had to make. Our marriage had its difficulties but he and I were best friends and he was a great father to our son. He was such a supportive father. We miss him very much and even almost 3 years out I feel I might have post traumatic stress disorder from everything that transpired. However, saying all of that, the death of my husband taught me a lot and I am striving to be happy, move on with my life and create a wonderful life for my son. I feel lucky in some ways that he was in my life for a period of time and we continue to look forward as best we can. Finding the YWBB helped me so much and I am thankful for it and helped my healing process immensely.

This was such a beautiful day at the Mount Washington Hotel...May 31st 2009. Then we went sailing as part of our honeymoon.

Yes...I also experienced the same.."flee from the scene", After my husband died suddenly, a number of people that came to our wedding (who knew the news) didn't even contact me as they didn't know what to say. Others just drifted off, and couples in particular. And this was at a time when I had moved to a new neighborhood and was alone with a 9 month old in the suburbs and didn't know anyone local. For a long time, I was angry, really angry about this. But now, I have let that anger go - I realized that some people couldn't deal with his death, others were just clueless and others just too busy in their own lives. So I just needed to transform my life - I purposely let go of some "friends" and realized that chapter in my life was closed, with others we kind of mended the relationship and, most importantly, I just started fresh with building new friendships that were local (widow and non widow). None of this is easy as we get older in life but I am happy to move on from it. Its sad that others cant be more understanding but there you have it. I realized that many (couples in particular) couldn't identify with me after the accident.

I am going to hit my 3rd sadiversary this May. A lot of people remembered the first year, only a few the second and I am expecting no one except for my immediate and his immediate family to remember this 3rd year date. When people have contacted me on my sadiversary I do respond (the next day) to acknowledge that I appreciate they remembered (in hopes they will continue to remember). But I would let it slide if people (even sisters) forgot - I agree it just doesn't impact others in the same way. For me, May 16th will for a LONG time be THAT day but I know others in our lives don't feel that way. Hope you were good to yourself that day, its not easy having these reminders.

Just potty trained my son in the past year, admittedly with help from our nanny. But here are a few tips we used. Letting him wear underwear in the day rather than diapers, having him watch potty related Childrens videos (ie Daniel Tiger or Sesame Street), asking him ALOT whether he needed to go potty, using an incentive system and lots of praise- ie a sticker chart and small pieces of chocolate. It took some time and we hands few accidents but he at 3 is now learning to pee standing up. Was solo happy to be rid of diapers! Keep with it, he will get it. All the best,