Captains wife

I started dating 14 months after my husband died out of pure loneliness. I thought I wouldn't have much trouble re-coupling ha ha - but was I wrong! And the lonely, needing to recouple feeling (since I missed my LH) created some bad emotional swings for me when I was dating as well as some poor judgement - watch out for handsome men from Newport lol! I would recommend taking your time and not staying in something if you are unhappy....I think its inevitable we do some comparisons to our spouses but it shouldn't drive the dating choices you make. Honestly, even after 6 years I think I am still in healing mode (given my "complicated grief") so I am proceeding very slowly....

Thank you all for your responses - I was beginning to feel (given some of the feedback from non-widow friends and family) that there was something "wrong" with the way I was acting/feeling. I need to move very slowly and I know myself well enough to keep that track....I know part of this is that I don't have the capacity right now to take on a divorced partner and his young child (with quite a bit of family drama on that side) given everything going on in my and my son's life right now and I feel I am still trying to heal from all that has happened over the recent years.

I am currently in a committed relationship with a wonderful divorced guy (divorced 8 months although separated for 2+ years) who has a son (and 50/50 custody) and he has been pushing more recently in terms of me making a decision about taking the next step in our relationship (moving in together or potentially marriage). We have been dating almost 2 years but live over an hour away from each other so we don't see each other that often (1-2 times a week, have been on holiday together with the kids a few times). He is really a lovely man (in many ways one of a kind and we have a lot in common), and our sons (who are only 1 year apart) really enjoy their time together. BUT there is something holding me back and I am non-committal about the future - and I honestly don't know what is driving this. I know some people out there will say - well, you must not be in love with him if you don't know what you want the future to look like. I don't agree with that (and I don't fall in love easily) and am just trying to figure it out - and have a new therapist to help me through some of these feelings. I LOVE seeing all the wonderful re-coupling stories on here but I just cant get there - and I can tell he is getting frustrated with me. I feel very hesitant which I think is attributable to a few things: 1) that I was never really a person that was super into getting married in the first place (DH led me to take the plunge), 2) NG's divorce situation bothers me and the way some things have been handled with this/his son really don't sit well with me (which we are both working on), 3) I've now been "on my own" with my young son for over 6 years now and getting used to it (and I have limited capacity to take on much else given I work full time too, especially as his young son is still dealing with the divorce so can act out at times), and 4) I think there are is some baggage/residual fear underlying this (from being a widow + other past experiences). My therapist thinks I am being wise by moving so slowly but others (friends, etc) seem to have other opinions. I think there is no rush - I feel I am still getting to know him, his son and we are too far on in life to consider having more kids. So my view is - what's the rush?? I know I am not going to let him push me into anything I'm not ready for and I will have to let the relationship go if he pushes too hard for me to make a decision over the near term. I'm posting this as I would love to hear from other widows/widowers that may have been at similar cross roads/have had similar feelings - and I'd be interested to hear what led to you to take (or not take) the next step with the new person in your life??

Dottie - I too am so sorry for your loss and all the difficulties you have had to deal with surrounding his death. I think therapy is very helpful but agree it needs to be a good match, especially with complicated grief. My therapist was nice and I stuck with her but eventually I moved on as she wasn't helping me anymore. Your therapist doesn't sound like a good match for you so try to find someone else, maybe some specializing in grief therapy. In the beginning my therapist recommended anti-depressants (I definitely had PTSD given everything I went through with a sudden death, my life circumstances at the time and given the aftermath) but I don't think that's the answer for everyone. I personally wanted to take an alternative path to medication - which included altering my lifestyle, doing tons of exercise, changing my diet + therapy. It didn't solve everything but I felt I got my emotions under control (for periods of time).

Im so sorry you have had to go through this - there are other members on this Board who have been through similar experiences. Going to a grief counselor is a good start. (Counseling for your kids too would be a good idea). I made a number of changes in my life post widow (to help my well-being and for my son) and I have certainly evolved in a positive way because of it.

Tybec - I too am so sorry your NG is going through this (with his kids) and you too are having to deal with this. It also makes me angry for you - many of us are just trying to do the best we can as single parents and watching (and going through) this divorce action nonsense is so triggering. (I have had to deal with it to, with NG). I do have some sympathy for how hard divorce is for all parties involved, especially with children, but for some reason it also really frustrates me.

Im definitely going to be up there on Friday - likely early evening. I hope I have other takers but Im also ok taking myself to Mikes Clam Shack. Feeling really stressed out lately and I really need some downtime so I am looking forward to this Bago.! Thanks for initiating it!

Babysitting - check ! Looks like I am going to make it.

Will I have anyone there on Friday night with me? Anyone for a late happy hour ? : )

Beautifully written....I have worked hard to try and be in a better place - and be thankful for what I do have rather than just be focused on my loss and the turmoil that surrounded it. It takes time...but we can get there. Glad to see you have some peace today.

The shock of losing a loved one, especially so young, affects us in many ways. Sometimes I seriously felt like I was losing it and acted in some "weird" ways in the months that followed his sudden death. The worst part of my days were first thing in the morning (I would be dreaming blissfully then wake up and realize all over again what happened) and driving to/from work (read some of my earlier posts about losing it, including when a cop pulled me over). I too was raising a young child on my own...Please exercise lots of self care during this period, take help when you can so you have some time to yourself. Your children will give you strength over the long run. Im so so sorry for you loss....

I'm glad you vented. That would make me crazy, literally. Get NG fully involved and onboard to make changes. Make a chores chart. Ask NG to pay for a cleaning lady to help if he isn't willing to/cant help out with the house upkeep for some reason. Its important you have some "me" time and be appreciated for all your efforts. These people sound old enough and are capable of taking care of themselves so if you really need space, take it (before you become too resentful) - even a day off to have fun ! Its important.....

Ok - I had been thinking about going up there for Friday night and Saturday during the day but I can rethink. I don't quite yet have the logisitics pinned down to attend but working on it! I feel like a weekend away to reflect and be somewhere new - no kids, no NG.

Im plotting now to see if I can make it. I would likely be up there one of two nights (Fri or Sat). Still working on it. Are most attendees going for Fri to Sun?

I feel at this point of our lives, many of us have baggage - whether it be divorce, widowdom etc AND we also deal with tragedy, life struggles in very different ways. Its so interesting to read how we all deal with some of these things differently. In dealing with my husband's death (i.e. a sadiversary or having a trigger day), NG wants to be there and help (and offers this) - but I want to spend time alone with my son and reflect. On his side, he wants me to be actively involved with the son related activities where the mother is also there and I am not ready for that yet. For others of you out there, I am sure the reverse would be true in terms of how you would handle it. I think, as mentioned above, understanding our different love languages is important and having some acceptance for them (with limits of course, and also asking when certain needs aren't being met!). One final thought - I continue to accept that in this stage of my life, my personal relationship is just going to look and be different than it was with prior relationships (when I was younger, no kids) and I am increasingly getting ok with this.

I lost my husband suddenly when my son was 9 months old and I thought many times of taking a leave of absence from work- and I wish I had. I was just worried about doing it from a financial standpoint. I did, though, shorten my working hours at the office. If you are able to do it, taking time off with 2 young kids sounds like a really smart idea as you work through the grief. It will also give you a good period of time to bond with your kids and do other things you want to do.

Is there a bar nearby ? : )

Let me see what I can do, this sounds awesome - I probably would want to do this trip without my 7 year old. And I love Maine and have other friends up there too. That is also my birthday weekend!

Tybec - No wonder you are frustrated and I'm happy to read you are taking a break. I imagine with the upcoming court custody date that he is treading carefully with his relationship with you (and I'm sure his lawyer has advised him to do the same). I bet he is also very pre-occupied with the court date. I have experienced a bit of what you are going through in my Chapter 2 - and it doesn't feel good, especially when we "had it all" with our late spouses. It is wonderful that he's a great father but his kids aren't the only ones in this new relationship - and that's not fair to you or your son. I have sympathy for divorced fathers who are trying to jointly raise their kids, don't get to spend as much time with them as they want and have to deal with difficult exes on top of it - while trying to navigate the needs of a new relationship. But I also get pissed off with it, as we widows bear the brunt of their life decisions. There has to be compromise and support for new partners, and not have the relationship completely revolve around his children and ex. I think gently setting boundaries help but now probably isn't the right time to do that. You guys may also have different needs in the relationship so maybe that is worth some exploring? Wishing you all the best - this isn't easy territory.

Its interesting as I started dating at one year out as I was lonely (I'm now 6+ years out)...although I was far from ready. I met a liar who I had a huge crush on but when it didn't work it out it exacerbated my grief. I dated many people but no matches (even if some of them were very nice). Then later on I was in a 1.8yr relationship (I really liked this person but there were early red flags) and was crushed....then something happened...I didn't feel the need to recouple anymore. I became more comfortable on my own by year 4 - just me and my son. I had finally built up a decent social life and was (relatively) comfortable on my own with my son so I was ready to throw in the towel. Now I am dating NG (1.5yrs) and, unlike the early grieving years when I was dating, I don't feel so "needy" or the need to know where things were going with the relationship. If anything, I am the one wanted to move extra slow as there are children and exes involved - and I feel more guarded as well as more ok on my own with my son. My widow friends laugh at me because in my early days I was so clingy and always analyzing the situation (where is this going?) and worried what I might do to upset the other person - now I am open about setting boundaries (where needed), taking my own time and just being myself, and just taking one day at a time rather than analyzing everything. It feels good to be in a more comfortable place although my one wish to be able to let my guard down more. Regarding your original post, I still don't feel like the old me and Im not sure Ill ever get back there after everything that has happened but I do feel more like the old me in many ways. Wishing you all the best,

That is such a good question - whether love is the same at 50 as it is in our 20s. When I was in my 20s I felt more open to love and fell more easily, unfortunately now I feel very guarded and not sure I know exactly how to feel if I am in love or not.

RAM - I skipped over the interim posts as I don't like negative banter on here. But I am glad you came here to rant - which is what you needed to do, and its understandable given the lack of empathy you received. Sometime when my NG says certain things or does certain things its sooo triggering.

I remember at year 2 crying at my grief therapist's office and asking why I wasn't feeling better (since it had been 2 years), why my moods were still up and down, why seemingly little things would have me in a flood of tears. She gently reminded me that grieving takes time and I couldn't rush trying to feel "normal" again. Just take it day by day she said....wishing you all the best through what is still a very hard time.

Just passed 6 years myself - thank you for sharing...what a beautiful way to spend the day. Its interesting how we each honor them in our own way (e.g. I always do something with my son on the sadiversary but no longer on his bday or our wedding anniversary - although we do think about him a lot on those days). I love how you said you are finally embracing your new life. Its something I'm really, really trying to do but sometimes really struggling to get there, even after 6 years.

Ugh - you have been through QUITE ENOUGH. Onwards and upwards - wishing you all the best in your next chapter and so happy your sale looks to be going through with a better buyer.