Captains wife

Thank you Bunny! Yes- what you wrote resonated. I consider my son’s loss more intense yet he is super empathetic, more respectful and reasonable vs son of divorced parents. I do feel NG’s parenting is clouded by guilt. So interesting as I don’t let grief cloud my parenting. What a weird dichotomy.

Thanks Julester3 - your feedback was very helpful! Id like to add that my son does talk about his Dad in front of NG and his son BUT NEVER in a disrespectful way- e.g. saying he wishes his Dad were here instead of them (like NG's son does to us) nor is he disrespectful to me in front of them (like NG's son is to his Dad - although my son does talk back on occasion lol). I'm also of the opinion that you need to set up rules and boundaries and follow through (and I try hard to do this) - that is lacking on NG's side I think - although he is trying but needs to make some changes or I think this situation will get worse. I am ok with temporary lapses but what I am realizing is that I am not ok with this continued poor behavior from NG's son that basically sets the (bad) mood for the entire group, especially on special occasions (like his Dad's bday, our Disney trip). Again, thanks for letting me vent!

Auughh - all the issues of trying to blend with kids (widowed and divorced). I don't mind things not being perfect but I wish someone wrote a clear roadmap on how to handle all the trials and tribulations of it, especially with young kids. My NG used to lie to his son about being at my house (as they talk every night they aren't together) and honestly I didn't think that was right. So its ok for my son to feel bad (he heard him lying to his son one day) but not his son? How is that equitable? Is lying to your son ok? He doesn't (usually) do this anymore. Julester's comment that NG's son made about the quilt is interesting - its so hard to read into a young person's mind and fully understand how they are processing their loss (via divorce) and their parent dating again. (PS - making the quilt is such a sweet and lovely gesture and Im glad his kids saw/recognized that). My NG's son (who is 8 yrs old) often seems to be warm towards me (and he likes my son) and then he switches into this really difficult child (if he doesnt get his way) and sends us death stares, wont let my son come near his Dad and keeps mentioning his mum (how he would prefer to be with her). I can take it sometimes and other times I just need to take space to get myself away from it (since NG doesn't really openly stand up for me in these situations). Do we just have to put up with this given we are dealing with young children?

I remember her ! Thank you for the lovely update. Im so happy for her : )

Im so so sorry for your loss...I read much of your journey on the prior board and both of your supportive comments on this board. Such a beautiful post and tribute to him....Life really is not fair sometimes.....

I'm venting again ! Just got back from 7 days away with NG and his son (at Disney).....well....my son and I had a good time (it is a magical place!) but it was such a tough trip and made me more certain than ever that I am doing the right thing by keeping our households separate. His son was very badly behaved (day after day except for a few hours on the last 2 days) and I don't like the way NG handles it, or him on many occasions - and it created ALOT of stress and a stressful environment for me and my son. (At one point his son was complaining it was more fun at Disney when his mum was there 2 years ago - sigh....and his Dad does nothing to quell that kind of talk. He just said "what do you expect me to do?!"). We had a couples session with my therapist before the trip to discuss how to handle tough situations (especially related to his son) but felt NG didn't adhere to anything we talked about. Unf as well NG's father passed away (not totally unexpected) in the middle of the trip so everything went downhill from there. I felt so bad for him but between the loss of his father (and NG's very heavy grieving) and his son continually acting up, it was too much - and I booked an earlier flight home on Sat as I needed to get out of this situation. I tried to help and support but I had enough of NG biting my head off (and it happened alot even though I was trying to help) and enough of his son acting up and being rude to me and my son (and yelling at his Dad). Right now I'm in full on support mode for NG as he is heavily grieving but we will need to talk about these divorce-related issues down the road. The key question I am asking myself is how much can I (we) put up with? I find all this really hard to deal with and triggering....Hope everyone else is ok on the blending side...

I remember your posts ! Thank you for popping back in here with the good news! Congratulations to both of you !!!!

Awesome - I also took up ballroom dancing for a while and found is really helped boost my mood : ) I friended a guy online (that had just gone through an awful divorce) and we danced together and hung out as friends - would go for lunch or dinner after our lesson. It was just what I needed at the time. We aren't doing this any longer as we are both in relationships but it was a great distraction when I was heavily grieving.

Thank you for posting - I hear you, re: anger towards someone who is gone IS exhausting. It took me a long time to let that dissipate.... I am dating someone now who is a closer match for me in a lot of ways vs. my DH - I'm not trying to compare...its just that I notice the differences and the way that conflict is handled is much better now and I don't miss the conflict. I don't miss some other things either - although I really miss him being here for our son. He was an awesome father. Early on, its all I could think about - the sadness and anger and now (almost 9 years later - yikes!) it pops up periodically....and I wonder what our lives would look like now if all this hadn't happened. Like you, people from our lives have disappeared and I think about them periodically. Ive come to accept that this is part of the ebb and flow of life. So many new people in my life now that weren't here when DH was alive...and so many people that have exited or Im not close to anymore. Wishing you all the best,

Interesting discussion - Im not sure I ever felt or feel guilt for dating a new person..it was more sadness, especially as I miss having my son's father in the picture. I do think I am "widow detached" though....good way to describe it.

Self care is super important! I took to doing house projects when my son was young, right after my husband died as I couldn't get out of the house. I sewed cushions, redecorated a vanity (using ideas from Home Network) etc. Its good to find anything to fill the time and keep busy!

Sorry - I know, it feels hurtful when it seems like others forget. I think a lot of people don't want to think about it as it makes them feel sad. I think its ok to feel sad (to get those feelings out) and on my Dh's birthday my son and I look into the sky and sing happy birthday....and I get teary, but its important that we take time to remember and honor them, even if for a brief moment.

This brought tears to my eyes....thank you for posting...

Love what Bunny said about divorced people holding off dating until they sort out their ex and kid issues - it seems a lot of divorced partners were in such toxic situations they want to jump back into the dating pool asap, which is clearly not the answer. I also really reflected on the point about "trying to force things to be the way I want them" - I need to take a step back sometimes and see things not just from my point of view. I feel like widow-dom has really toughened me up sometimes. My NG said that he felt like his marriage was over years ago which is why he started dating soon after separating but I can see in hindsight that he needed a lot more time to work through the divorce issues on his side. (I originally said no to a date a year before we actually went out as he was only separated a few months and I didn't want to go near that situation - then I caved a year later as he was irresistible...ha). You can never see the full picture from the rants and vents we post on here (and we tend to vent on the negative) - but where else could I post my crazy widow vents and be understood? Honestly, the average person out there trying to start over just doesn't get it....not at all.....

Trying - thank you for telling us the other side. It was extremely helpful and reflective. I have someone who is willing to work with me on things but I just have a limit for how much drama I can take on. I am admittedly tired of being the one to set boundaries etc. when it comes to exes and kids. I have come to realize in particular with early divorces there is a lot to work out before they can move forward in a positive way for all. It can't be easy to balance it all. I think each situation is different and we all know our NGs the best. Cohabitating and getting married again doesn't need to be the only option. It's just such new territory for all of us after being married and truly co- parenting - and I appreciate this venue as a means to vent, share experiences and get different opinions. Happy holidays to all!

In my dream world we would be one happy blended family under one roof but I am a complete realist. Not that being married, having kids etc is super easy and its not like I don't expect some conflict but its so different when its not your kids (and when another parent is involved on the outside). My son and I have been through so much but we have our issues much better worked out than NG and his family. We talk about things, we deal with things in a better way, we have our routine - its hasn't been easy but I can't take on a drama filled household and someone's divorce issues. I just don't have the bandwidth - and I know myself well enough to know that. I certainly didn't expect my family life to look like this - 2 households and distance between us but maybe that is how it has to be and maybe it is just better this way. In the old days I wouldn't have accepted this but as time rolls on I am more accepting that life doesn't turn out like you might have expected and that's ok. Our relationships can take the shape they need to to thrive and sometimes a single household is not the way to go.

Thanks again for all the great posts and support on here. I hosted my new guy, his young son and NG's mother (who is having a number of health issues) and his dog for the entire weekend so I could host a small birthday party for NG. I took everyone to a Christmas Festival on Friday, then birthday party dinner was on Sat. Overall, it was a fun weekend and NG really appreciated it (I cooked a full Thanksgiving type meal for all as that was his dinner request!)and our sons had a lot of fun playing so I was happy to host. However, his son really acted up on several occasions (fits, being rude, not listening etc) - both on Friday and Sat when he didn't get his way (or whatever else was bothering him). Of course you can expect young boys to act up sometimes - my son certainly does - but this was really quite bad and a real mood killer at times. He even acted up before the bday dinner (when I asked him to help wrap a present for his Dad and he was mad as he wanted to keep playing) and during the dinner (he didn't feel like sitting there). It made me realize more than ever that I am doing the right thing by taking things super slow with NG and not moving in, getting married etc. I couldn't live with that type of behavior under my roof and seeing how disrespectful he can be (including to me as well as my son). I am guessing this behavior is partially related to the divorce but its still not acceptable and I talked to NG about it as well - so they need to work on this. I get along well with his son but I think his son seems to still be exhibiting signs of bitterness about his parents not being together. On our side, my son is very respectful of new guy and doesn't exhibit these types of behaviors even if he did lose his Dad. He gets a little jealous at times of NG (lol) but we can move past it quickly.

I think about something else while they are talking and then just nod and smile and throw in the obligatory comment now and then. I have a few people around me that its all about them....and sometimes I am ok to listen (rather than talk about myself) and other times I just need to tune out as I cant listen anymore. Given what I have seen and heard and dealt with post widow, nothing and I mean nothing surprises me anymore and I can see how self centered a lot of people are (and these same people are not self reflective so its always about them). On the (positive) flipside, I have also met a lot of people that are not like this - thank goodness. One more observation - I have so much on my plate and my tolerance for bad energy is limited so I tend to actively avoid people or at least really limit my interactions with people that drain my energy or have bad energy karma. I know I can come across as a bit rude sometimes by doing that but that's what I need so I do it : )

Wow Leadfeather. I love reading great news like your on here !

Love Scotch eggs!! Hmm - unf I don't have a recipe but the Food Network has some on their website. Happy your youngest is joining in the festivities !

I used to love Thanksgiving - since my husband died...not so much. I had a nice enough Thanksgiving in the end but for some reason am feeling sad over this holiday season. It's tiring toughing it out alone sometimes...with my ex inlaws it's like a divorce - they spend time with my son, not me and I feel I am always negotiAting time for them to see my son.

Beautifully written - thank you for sharing. I try hard to be thankful and your words are inspiring. Beautiful pic too !

I know its hard for children to accept new partners in their parents lives (and accept new family members) - but your boys are indeed well into adulthood and should be more respectful of what makes you happy. And you deserve to have some fun in your life! If they want to spend Xmas with you and create a better aura in the house, they should get up earlier and spend time with you - and accompany you to your Xmas outing. But it seems they don't want to go with you (even though kindly invited) so I echo other comments on here - go out and enjoy a festive Xmas! You deserve that ! They can stay home and do nothing - and let them order in or cook for themselves.

Kate - I am 6 months ahead of you - lost my husband in May '12 and was on the old Board. I'm so sorry about your friend - I too had a friend just lose her husband (in her 40s and so was he). I told her what a life saver this community is (and has been) and how it has helped me retain my sanity. Congratulations on successfully recoupling/blending - it is something I have wanted and I am still trying to find my way. My son was 9 months old when my husband died, now age 7 and sometimes (like you mentioned) my son is my key reminder of my prior life (and that life seems a long time ago). One thing I really miss still is that my husband and I were a team with the same devotion to our son - and its never going to be the same again for me, even if I recouple (as there are no more children for me in my future - since I had my son in my early 40s). In trying to date divorced men, its so tough blending with other kids/exes etc. Wishing you all the best !

I have been kindly invited to my NG's cousin's Thankgiving with my son (and he and his son will be there too) and I am thankful for that. But part of me just wants to be at home. My son is heading to my inlaws afterwards for a few days (alone) so I get some downtime alone on Fri. I am honestly thankful for that (doing house stuff, taking a tennis lesson, will take myself out for lunch) as I feel like being alone for a while this year. I miss the big fussy Thanksgiving dinners my husband and I would do, sometimes just for ourselves (and our son)....We would get all the good china out and dress up the table and make every dish we loved for Thanksgiving and then just hung out and drank wine in front of the fire and hung out alone (or later with our son after he was born). Im thankful for what we have now but it still feels a little sad at this time of the year just the same.