Captains wife

Hugs to you and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Its amazing what transpires after someone dies/events surrounding their death - there was a fair amount of drama here too. And that's the last thing anyone going through this difficult journey needs. It was the opposite in my household where I did most things including taking care of the financials so it was slightly easier for me - but I was still overwhelmed by trying to single parent and take care of everything (including the "mess" left behind from my husband from his business etc). I feel a lot of anger still (even 7 years on) about everything that transpired but I have also really really tried to refocus my efforts on the positives, and keep those happy memories alive. My husband challenged me to do things I would never normally do (e.g. take 2 years off work and go sailing) and Im thankful for that part of it. Im especially thankful for my loving young son. I hope others in your life are behaving better so you can grieve and not have to deal with the extra drama.

I also made it clear up front I was widowed (or it was on my dating profile) as I think its important to weed out potential partners that couldn't take that, deal with single parenting (if that's the case). I started dating about a year after being widowed (prob too soon on hindsight - for me personally). I never talk about my private life to my inlaws although they saw posts on FB (only when I was in "serious" relationship - had about 3 of those since being widowed). The interesting thing is my inlaws honestly don't care I date but my MIL has serious sensitivity about a new man being around her grandson.

Tybec - I seriously feel for you. Trying to blend with NG sounds stressful and he needs to be more understanding of the issues HE is creating in the relationship. I am happy you have your own Thanksgiving plans and they sound great for you and your son. I have some similar issues over Xmas - NG and his ex completely flip flop with their son over the Xmas period (e.g. one has him for Xmas eve, then Xmas morning, then he gets dropped off for Xmas afternoon/night, then goes back to the other parent). Its completely ridiculous ! We are never ever going to be together and away for Xmas - and its irritating. So I am going to just make my own plans with my son and family. Its never going to be the same as when I was married - but Im finally ok with that and happy to be with my son and direct family. I would be seriously pissed off if my NG didn't talk to me all weekend if he had his kids, especially if there were issues to discuss. My NG used to never text me back on days he had his son (or would text back 8 hours after I sent a text) but I started doing the same - and he learned REAL quick that was not ok. (In all fairness, I did talk to him first about it but he didn't change his ways, but then couldn't stand it when I was going silent for hours so he stopped that one).

Maureen - I wish I could attend but have a fundraiser that day and am hosting some guests. I am sorry to miss it - but I too would echo other comments to newbies...These types of connections have really helped me in my single parent widow journey.

Yes thank you for sharing - and very beautifully written...its amazing what we can all do after such a loss. I understand about trying to date with young kids. I've been trying but its been a real struggle and sometimes I really wonder if it would be best for me to stay single. Ill hit 7 years next year - and having met up with recent widows (my friend was recently widowed) I feel fortunate I am well past heart wrenching first few months and years. Not sure if anyone else feels this way but I still do have these odd moments - where I feel life is very surreal (e.g. I cant believe my son lost his Dad and I feel in a slight daze) and I wonder about my sanity sometimes as I get so emotional (angry and/or sad) and I close myself off from others. I try not to let being a widow define me but it sure has changed me in a lot of ways.

Good luck - hope it goes well! I think it depends on so many factors i.e being ready to date at 10-months including things like length of marriage, circumstances of the marriage, just who you meet/match with?! I dated a widower very briefly in his late 40s who had been married 10+ years and his wife passed away after a lengthy illness and he was 6 months out. He had 2 young girls. I was several years out at that point and was quite smitten but I quickly discovered he just wanted to play the field and wasn't looking for a girlfriend - and that became evident quickly. So I left that one behind very quickly. But that was just one guy and there were certain circumstances here - there are plenty of fish in the sea!

I am a single mum to a young boy and live about an hour from my ex in-laws. We never had a great relationship (even when I was married) as my MIL can be quite difficult and domineering but I really felt I needed to do the right thing after my husband died suddenly. So I stayed put (even though I was very isolated and my direct family is in Canada) and I try and take my son to visit as much as possible and keep in touch with my mother in law in particular so she can see my son growing up and she feels she is part of his life. Ive asked for her advice on numerous things related to my son. She and my BIL do have a nice relationship with my son and I try to foster that. Because my MIL was ill for a while I needed to drive my son an hour to her house (which meant me driving 2+ hours - there and back - and if it was a Friday evening it was more like 3.5hrs total), then repeat on Sunday. Plus she just prefers being at her house and having my son visit her. I try and accommodate her and the family so he sees them 1-2 times a month (for the weekend) and he will call periodically + we send cards, flowers etc on special occasions. I have also recently tentatively agreed to drive my son 6 hours (one way) so he can attend a wedding on her family side as she wants him there. (I don't like her driving my son on the freeway as she has heart issues + isn't a great driver). I have told her and my brother in law on numerous occasions that since I have a 3 hour commute a day for work that all this driving to her house was wearing on me, and my already jam-packed schedule. I have asked them to be understanding because I am stressed out already with everything on my place. I have asked them meet me half way on occasions (for driving) or told them they are feel free to visit our house (particularly as my MIL is feeling better). Plus I only see my son in the evenings from M-T and I too want to spend some quality time with him plus I am trying to expand his activities and social circle so many weekends are booked up with activities, or play dates. I am dating someone with a young boy close to my son's age and we like to get them together at least once a month (and its a date for us too!) Also, on top of this, a lot of time he is at his grandma's he is on an ipad, watching TV and I really am working on cutting back his screen time. I really feel I am doing the best I can and already feeling tapped out. I get a call last night from her (and I am feeling particularly tapped out recently, just exhausted with everything on my plate) and she asks when my son is coming up. I reply that right now I don't know as I don't have my next several weeks fully planned as I have a few medical things and household things on my plate. I told her that she was welcome to come visit (my BIL could drive her). (My son was actually at her house the weekend before last - from Friday to Sunday). And the reply was - "You don't want me to come to your house". So my reply "When did I say this, you guys are always welcome - we just need to plan in advance". Her reply, "Its a gut feeling I get from you..." I was so upset, I just said - "I'm really offended by what you just said - you are always welcome and I have always told you that" and my son came into the room at that point so I handed the phone over so they could have a catch up. After he hung up - I just cried...I'm really trying my best and feel unsupported and that nothing I've said has meant anything - and that all my actions are not appreciated. My son loves his grandma and his uncle and I want them to maintain a relationship - but I just feel defeated right now. I feel guilty though too that I haven't done enough. Has anyone else dealt with difficult inlaws ? Any advice on how to deal with it? Ive tried talking to them before but its not getting through.

Thanks for all the helpful posts ! I asked my therapist what was "wrong" with me that I am in a relationship where I am not worried where it is going and in fact I am happy we aren't co-habituating. Does that say something about my relationship? (She thinks I am being smart about it, and practical but certain people in my life think its pretty negative). While I care a lot for this person - I just have different needs, wants and expectations in my 40s. I have been "on my own" for almost 7 years and while my earlier widow years were filled with missing being married, struggling with being a single parent, I got to a place where I like being on my own with my son. And my life is stressful enough that I am at capacity right now and know myself well enough that I know I can't take on a new partner's divorce and child raising stresses. Maybe with the absolute perfect person (the "same kind of roof" person - thanks Mac!) I would feel differently (I wonder that too)....but I also had some struggles with being married (if I'm honest) so maybe being a singleton is what I was meant to be : ) I am eternally thankful I have my son by my side....

Thanks for posting the update - I remember when you two were dating : ) Blending is not easy at all but it sounds like you two are working it out, and your post resonates happiness. I wondered about my son losing my LH's SS if I remarried but I was told he would not. I never qualified so I don't get anything.

I'm almost at 7 years now...where does the time go? I am so thankful for this Board where I have been able to find support, give support and maintain my sanity. I know...the sadness isn't as intense but missing our old lives doesn't go away. The things you said in your post resonated with me. I have to admit I have spent a fair amount of time recently wondering "what if" - what would our lives be like now with our DH? My son - who only knew him for 9 months - talks about him a lot and the potential of him coming back to life. We wanted more kids (and now my son will be an only child forever). I think how my DH would have loved our life in our crazy small town - and he would have been able to manage the social and political aspects of it much better than I am doing. He never cared what anyone thought and was supremely good at dealing with people. I've raised a young boy, climbed the corporate ladder, become a school volunteer, become a Scout leader, been through so much in terms of the school system and my son's development and learned how to sail (and got my son into sailing) plus built up a completely new social life for myself and my son and Ive been out in the dating world (and dating a divorced dad now). Im proud of what we have accomplished but I still think "what if".

I understand....it doesn't seem to stop does it. Some days I honestly just take a time out and I don't deal with anything so I can re-charge my batteries.

First of all, I am very sorry you are feeling so lonely. I sometimes feel the same way although I have resigned myself to the fact that my new relationships will be different and my life wont be like it was when I was married, especially since I am a single mother of a young child. (Admittedly I think its "easier" for me compared to others on this site as my marriage was much shorter, only 3 years before he suddenly passed away). I may find a man that is supportive of my son and I but its never going to be the same as when his father was my son's caregiver. After 7+ years, I have been trying to find a new path in life and open up to new possibilities but its not easy admittedly. After everything I've been through I definitely have my guard up and have trouble connecting - I just feel more comfortable keeping most people at arms length and right now I am ok with that although I hope it will change. But my therapist asked me an interesting question yesterday which I think fits in with your post - do you want to change ? She said we all can adapt if we work at it...... I'm sorry this does suck and maybe you need more time to move forward - and/or some changes in your life eventually? Wishing you all the best,

I spent the weekend with NG and his son and my son. Some comments made by his son over lunch made me more confident I am doing the absolutely right thing in keeping separate households - given the still related divorce issues on NG's side. In a dream world we would all be one happy blended family but I am a realist and know what I can and cant put up with. My son and I have it figured out (6 years after my husband's sudden death) and we are generally happy and have figured out how to move on with our lives in a positive way (even if we are sad sometimes). Given the divorce issues on NG's side - moving in would make for a complicated and drama filled living environment right now. ABL - thank you for your comments, agreed that separate households can sometimes be the best for all.

Just beautiful - congrats!!!

I'm so sorry - I remember how tough and heart wrenching the first months were. Please take good care of yourself. I used to "will" myself to see him standing in front of me and think about what I'd say (even a few years out). Talking to him sounds very therapeutic. I'm almost 7 years out now but things have felt better for me over time - I still miss him but the pain of it isn't even close to the early days.

I have just learned to nod and smile...given I am in a small town and don't want to create rifts. But I loved all these comments - so thank you!

I'm in finance too but I wouldn't talk to them....especially as you know you don't owe anything. And you are not responsible for DH's debt. These types of companies can be real bullies and scammers so consumers need to be vigilant.

This is just a vent, as a widowed, full-time working parent with no family close by. (My inlaws are an hour away but will only help if I travel to them - and that's not possible when my son is home sick from school - which he is this week). For some reason over recent weeks I have repeatedly encountered comments from married or divorced mothers or fathers - about how busy they are, how they are single parenting (or almost single parenting as the other is working) or "I know what its like to go to school meetings alone as my husband is always working", or how "single" parenting is so so hard. (I have told my divorced boyfriend that I sympathize but PLEASE stop saying this - his ex lives 10 min away and they co-parent plus his parents also live in the same town). I just stepped up to be an assistant Scout leader so my son's den wouldn't fold as the married couples were "too busy right now" to pitch in - I don't even know how I'm going to make this work in my schedule but I will, because Scouts is really good for him. I try not to complain about my plight but I admittedly do sometimes but I also think I maintain a very good "can-do" attitude about it. Ok - I appreciate that life is hard, and parenting is super hard - and most people are very busy with the stresses of life whether you are widowed, divorced, married etc. But for some reason I get super irritated listening to these comments above and cant help but draw comparisons. I work full-time with a long commute, my immediate family is far away, I don't really have a great mother support community where I live (long story) and I manage a household plus mother a child with some developmental issues that needs extra oversight and I volunteer at school and other places to support my son. I just wish people would be more understanding and supportive.....sigh. And please stop saying these aforementioned comments to me...it doesn't help my brain chemistry. Vent over - thank you for listening.

Its weird - sometimes I smile reflecting on remembering my late husband, my son's Dad....sometime I cry. (I'm over 6 years out). Yesterday my son and I were talking about Dad memories and it was very sad and I also continue to wonder what life would have been like if he was still with us.

Maureen I appreciated the firefighter in you! Especially since I just stared at the toaster oven, frozen, just expecting the little flame to go out. Then you sprung into action and analyzed the situation (I can see oxygen is getting in here - we need to starve the flame of oxygen)...and the problem solved 😊

I'm so sorry. It was a good release for your daughter I'm sure - that must have been hard for her to look out into the audience without her Dad there. I tear up at many key events where my son is passing milestones. His father unf. didn't even see him walk or his first birthday. I feel this will continue on throughout our lives. I even felt it at my son's 7th birthday this year : ( And he did too....

Love2fish - thank you, thank you to you and your lovely NL for the fabulous hospitality. Very much enjoyed this Bago and it was much needed down time but also bonding time. Also, excellent contributions by many attendees with food and drink as well !

I think I will mostly eat out but I am bringing coffee, breakfast snacks and nibbles - and wine (and water)! Look forward to doing something outdoorsy on Sat. Friday night I will be at the pub : )

I'm looking forward to this ! Should we start a message string or something to work out final logistics - picking up keys, etc. it looks like I will be up there late afternoon/early evening on Fri.

I was never particularly religious but I am still struggling to regain faith since my husband was so suddenly and cruelly taken from us (including my nine month old son at the time). Part of me likes to think of him in a place called heaven as it gives me comfort and it gives my son comfort - so I stick to this but I struggle with how I to fully re-connect with any prior faith I did have. I had to pick up my husband after he died and identify his body and its something I will never, ever forget. I am so sorry for your loss....