Captains wife

Tybec - first I'm sorry you were sick over Xmas.....Break-ups are NOT easy and it makes it harder if he is circling in the picture. You are such a strong person with a great head on her shoulders so you will do great in the future (although I know its really tough). Maintain the no-contact rule (I can suggest break-up help books if you are interested) and BELIEVE ME it helps. I was heartbroken after my last break-up (mid-40s, a few years ago) and he would contact me on occasion and wanted to meet up, said he missed me but I said no in the end and the no contact really made it easier. Its super tough to be friends after such a long relationship (and bad break-up) so I wouldn't recommend you go anywhere near that in the near term. I'm not impressed with this individual (your ex) - you really stayed right with him through all his mess and then he exits (and then does crazy things like send a happy Xmas card?!)....he is going to realize super-quickly how hard dating is and how hard it is to find a great person, especially as his life has so much drama - as I used to say to myself when out there dating...NEXT! New year = new great experiences for Tybec ! Wishing you all the best....

Hi - I was widowed at 41 with a baby - and that was 7+ years ago but I still visit here for support and to support others. Welcome...this site and some of the people on it have been a lifesaver to me and my sanity.

I am now 7+ years out with a young child and I feel for those going through their first (and early years) holidays as widows/widowers. I was miserable in my first years but I hope it helps to hear that Xmas got better over time....it took some time but over the past 3-5 years, I have been putting up a tree, decorations, doing Xmas-y stuff with my son (and friends), putting up Xmas lights outside as well as going to local Xmas parties. The way I started getting through the holidays was to change my routine and make new traditions for my son and I. I also went away once or twice (to visit family) or spent the holiday with friends (who were also on their own). That really helped....This year I have family visiting and I'm really feeling quite happy over this holiday and enjoying the festivities with my son, although I still miss what was.

Klim - Honestly, I think your situation is ideal for now. You can always live together in the future but you are taking it slow, particularly considering your kids. That is not a bad thing in my eyes (although I think I am an outlier in wanting to be in a couple but not cohabitating/getting married again). You mention about maybe co-habituating if your kids were younger but in my experience now, its super hard to do that with young kids, especially when their ex is super involved. Your new guy may be accepting of your children (and vice versa) but its a whole different picture if you were to cohabitate and the kids (or one of your kids) was living with you and your NG. As long as you and your NG are ok with the current situation, why not keep it as it is? Doesn't mean it has to be this way forever but I completely believe in the slowly, slowly approach, especially taking kids into account. (I understand yours are older and agree that kids shouldn't dictate your relationships but its important to recognize their feelings, especially as one has some issues that need to be taken into account). I wish you all the best,

Rob, First of all I'm very sorry to hear about your marriage issues - but you are certainly not a failure ! (Im also glad to hear you had a lovely night out the other night). What I have learned in this post-widow journey is blending later on in life, when everyone has a fair amount of baggage, with kids involved is very very hard (and harder than I thought) - even if those involved want to work on it. I have a different view vs a lot of people so I hope what I write is helpful. I think its possible to have togetherness but still live apart when trying to blend families with kids. Living under the same roof but not sharing parental duties, especially when you might have different priorities and parenting styles (and when exes are involved) is super difficult, especially if you met the person later on in life when admittedly a lot of people are set in their ways, know who they are. I personally am very glad I am moving at a turtle's pace with the guy I'm dating - he's a wonderful person but we have different parenting styles, priorities in some ways and if I had listened to him and gotten married and moved in with him, Id be miserable right now. In dating for 3+ years and seeing how we handle parenting and stressful life situations differently it has made me realize that I like the idea of separate-togetherness with this individual for now - e.g. seeing each other on a regular basis and being exclusive but not co-habitating or getting married. He needs more time in learning how to co-parent and we as a couple need more time to figure out how to mutually handle issues with our children and other life events. This is not to say that living together or getting re-married is a bad idea but I think it requires 2 people taking the time to really get to know each other and be willing to work on how they handle issues (separately as well as a couple), there needs to be compromise and a lot of communication (including talking very openly about difficult issues, especially about parenting issues). I think involving a professional 3rd party to help mediate, discuss difficult issues (e.g. a therapist), develop a plan/coping tools is a must so if/when you decide to co-habitate you both have the tools to work things out and deal with stressful situations, especially involving the kids. Through therapy, you will also be able to get tough subject out in the open and have someone help you both work through it. You noted that most of the issues in your marriage involved managing the kids (and I hear you as that is where I have the most conflict in my relationship - that and how he deals with his ex). Hopefully this time apart Rob will help you and your wife come back together in the end. I'm rooting for you! Taking step back, working on a plan, how to handle parenting issues etc and getting that all out there with the help of therapy will certainly help you in the future. I wish you all the best,

This probably doesn’t sound good but I’ve been on more dates than I care to count lol. Good idea to phone screen first (I learned to do that). Since you are just getting back to Internet dating I would even meet guys that seem ok for dates...you never know plus some of the ones who I thought were amazing on paper/on phone were just dolts in the end (aka pot smoking date who showed me pics of ex wife in lingerie who had run off with another man- I can’t make this stuff up!!)

My son was only 9 mths old when his Dad died - it’s been 7 years. Our situation sounds different than yours in some ways ,similar in others! He is very attached to me (increasingly so as he’s getting older) and very attached to our house (which his Dad and I bought together). I’ve been itching to make a change at some point but he cries when we talk about moving, even though he’s not 100 percent happy in his school. Although I don’t plan on moving soon for a few reasons I am trying to warm him up to the idea that it could happen in the future by integrating him on the choice (of a new house) and being able to decorate his room as he wants. I’m also trying to de-clutter and my son doesn’t want to part with any of his things even though he doesn’t play with them. Not a huge surprise but for this I have been explaining how we are donating the older toys and books to kids in need - and for him to think about how happy he will make some other kids by donating. This track seems to help - so maybe try this for your daughter (and integrating her in the decision)? And I would keep up with the therapy - I’m not sure it’s doing a lot for my son but it’s an invaluable resource. Positive reinforcement always works well for us - whether it is giving him a treat like a cookie or earning stickers and picking out something fun to buy. Wishing you the best - it’s so heartbreaking watching our kids struggle with loss.

Tybec - I was sorry to read your post but you know you gave it your all and if he’s not making you and your son a high enough priority then that’s not ok. You should have your say and good for you for stating clearly what you want. He seems to struggle with balance (and I get the frustration in dating a divorced guy who is also not good at balance) and you’ve been dealing with a lot for a long time (of his issues). Wishing you all the best of your steps forward.

Unf as much as I’d like to do this again as I really enjoyed last year’s Bago I won’t be able to make it this year given everything on my plate right now.

I hear you Mrs Dan. My son is now 8- was 9mths when his dad died. He looks a lot like me but his traits/behaviors are heavily his father’s. I wonder how it would be if he looked more like his father? We talk about his Dad a lot and my son wants to invent a time machine to go back and a save him. I’d give anything just anything for these two to meet at this point, even for 5 min.

I do wish I’d done some things differently...and for a long time felt I could have prevented my husband’s death....sigh

Anybody have some more pics? Love seeing this happy news : )

I hope to make this as long as my babysitting holds up

Im so sorry for your loss...My son was 9months old when his Dad died, 7 years ago so he remembers nothing. But we keep the memory alive by talking about his Dad regularly, looking at pics and videos. And we do something special in memory on the sadiversary. It’s so tough but I’m so proud of how he handles it all. He cries sometimes but also enjoys our sharing moments about his Dad- and he believes in his heart his Dad is watching over him in spirit so that makes him happy.

I understand. It’s so hard sometimes. My son’s father died when my son was 9mths old - didn’t even get to see him walk. I used to be so resentful he wasn’t here but I’ve been trying to change my mindset over time so I like to think instead how proud he would be of both of us - he would have loved the life we have now (even if it’s not perfect and not easy sometimes). But it does make me sad...and it’s sad sometimes for my son. Yet I’m super proud of how my son has dealt with the crap life has dealt him. Wishing all you single parents the best- so proud of all of us!

Hear hear Eddienhp! I think you hit the nail on the head. Im dating but still living alone w my son. When I mention I don’t want to get married or I like going out for lunch alone some people look at me like I have 2 heads. Life is so demanding as a single working parent so solitude for me when I can get it is bliss....

I’m so sorry Tybec- it was so brave of you to make this decision even if is the right decision for you. For some time you have seemed unhappy with all the drama and he way NG has dealt with his kids/custody. I completely get it when you’ve reached your limit. You deserve everything you want and you really have given it your all....I’ve been through a few breakups post widow (one serious) and it’s good to keep busy, please vent here if you need/want support and keep away from him (if you are interested I’ve read a few break up support books that helped) and they all say to stay away. Believe me, with time no contact makes it easier and gives more clarity to the situation. I wish you all the best - and look forward to hearing more of your next chapter.

Oh Bunny -I hear you. Hoping June 12th comes quickly for you... May is so tough on this end (and I’m crankier than usual this year lol). For me, it’s Mother’s Day, then 3 days later Sadiversary, then 2 weeks later wedding anniversary, then 2 weeks later Fathers Day.

Unf I won’t be able to make this one...sorry but I do hope our paths cross soon. Hope that you are also doing ok....

Unf I’m away that weekend....sorry to miss it

Thank you for the update!!! This place looks heavenly and I’m so happy for you. And happy 50th!! I’m right behind you as a 7yr widow. 3 good things (thank you Helen for reminding me...needed this right now) 1. Have a good day planned for my son and I for the impending sadiversary. 2. I’ve realized that being widowed has made me reflective and super strong. 3. Thankful for Spring arriving (and some sunny weather).

Good to read all the updates here! Tybec - I’m super sympathetic. Interesting....my NG’s ex won’t share information about what her plans are with their son..in fact she has yet to submit her chosen weeks for this summer vacation 🙄 so you never know what the schedule is ahead and/or when she might turn up (thus the resort incident). Whole control issue...and strange. Boy I’d give anything for my son’s dad to be here with him - these games are such bs. After all we’ve been through I just don’t have the patience for it so if I ask and information is not given, I plan ahead for my son and I alone.

I’m so sorry. My husband didn’t have a will either but I kept a lot in my name including the house. I hated and still hate looking at the death certificate although keep a few copies of it for you paperwork (and I initially needed when I travelled overseas with my son). One question - have you contacted social security yet for benefits? Wishing you all the best - echo the others...take one day and one task at a time.

Trying2breathe. Good for you for supporting NG and attending the funeral. It’s so confusing how this (blending) is supposed to work - why would he go sit with her when you went with him to the funeral? Sounds like you handled it superbly. But I’ve had to spend time with my NG’s ex and him and kids (we all ended up at the same ski resort) but it was downright awkward and I felt NG was kind of having to deal with bouncing back and forth between his ex and us. I was cordial but it was draining and she has no boundaries. Makes me super cautious about moving forward. Some groups of people are not meant to be thrown together. For me, I know there is an underlying sense of resentment of having to deal with his ex (indirectly maybe but still..).

I’m so sorry for this tragedy. How much can 1 person have to go through...especially given the positive update several months ago. If we can help in any way...