robunknown

I was a part of this community before my wife died. I think it really helped me realize I wasn't alone. My wife died of breast cancer at the age of 35. We have a 6 year old. Feel free to message me (or post ) if you have questions. Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

I'm seeing someone right now and I am realizing I was a caregiver (maybe not extreme) for much longer than I had thought. The last 9 months of DW's life was hard due to her physical pains becoming absolutely visible in not allowing her move around with pain on her face. But it was the 3.5 years before that, full of surgeries, radiation, chemo, hormone treatments, that I'm realizing I was a caregiver without ever giving myself credit. I'm just not use to the person I'm seeing now, offering to go get me something to drink from the kitchen. It feels weird. I'm trying to enjoy it but the old reality that my DW would be in pain doing something like that is still ingrained, and I have to fight off feeling guilty. I think this is something probably all of us have to work on. Because none of us deserve to go from caregiver of a loving spouse, to servant of a spoiled mate.

Thanks Toosoon it sounds like we have similar stories. My son was less than a month away from his 6th birthday.

Thanks. I feel like a much stronger person now, stronger than most folks that haven't been through something like this. Because I know I can go through what I have and survive. I have my moments, but I get back up. I'm finding my 6 year old son to be my hero. I lost my wife, but he lost his mom, and he is doing really well. I keep his counseling going because I know he keeps his feelings hidden from me to protect me, no matter how much I open up to him. I stopped for a couple months and I could see the frustration building in him, and was released when I got him seeing his counselor again. I will maintain it until he finally moves onto college.

In a couple days marks 11 months for me. Reflecting back, that first month was just numb with taking care of business. Then my son's bday, then the holidays hit. My feet finally hit the ground from the holiday whirlwind mid-January (4 months). February and March hit hard, because I realized that even though I had mastered our daily routine, my wife wouldn't be coming back because of "good behavior". During that time I lived for about two weeks in the past. Obsessing over mentally reliving our past and I succeeded in only pile driving myself into the ground emotionally. I realized I needed to start to look forward to things. So I planned out a super busy summer, summer camp, 2 vacations, cleaning out and getting our house on the market, and moving to a new school (way better) district for my son. The official school routine starts up tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it. It makes my life easier. I actually planned something over the sadiversary weekend purely by accident, because I refused to let myself formally mark the date in my calendar. I'm ok with doing that. I will celebrate my DW birthday in December and allow myself to crawl into the pity hole for the day. The thought of that makes me feel less guilty about not sitting and stewing in my grief every day. It is a fine line to walk everyday that I haven't quite figured out yet, between remembering her and falling into a pit of dispair. No questions here, just a reflection.

I took mine just after a month from when she passed. I did the extreme caregiving thing for my wife's last year. A month after she passed it was clear my 24/7 duties were over in taking care of her, and the ring just felt like a lie to myself.

Getting the kid into a new doctor's office the boxes were, single, married, divorced, and widowed. I determined that checking "Widowed" was as good as it's going to get. This way I don't have to explain things. At the vet the other day, I took the pro-active role when explaining I wasn't use to taking the cat to the vet as "my wife passed last year". That is pretty much my ?go to? response; I found it the easiest to say. Then I immediately try to change the conversation because I don't want them to feel like they are obligated to have follow-up questions that I don't particularly want to answer.

Thanks TooSoon, that is comforting. I'll keep telling myself, "you just need to get there".

About a year and a half before she passed my DW and I took our son down to Disney. We had gone there before for our honeymoon. Because of her cancer we had a pretty good idea it was probably the first and last time she would be able to take our son. In a couple of months my parents and sister are going with us, and I felt pretty good about it at first. Now I am doing the usual trip planning, and now I am having very vivid memories, ones where I could almost swear I am there now. The trip isn't for another 2 months but I am getting anxious about it. I am someone who doesn't show their emotions in public and I am starting to worry about having breakdowns when the memories and the locations intersect. I'm also worried about "zoning out" too much, where I stare at something and I get tunnel vision while being brought back into the past. I just wanted to post something.

DW family is nuts, and they constantly try to pull me in. One of the best pieces of advice I got on here that I still use wiht the in-laws is, "You aren't obligated to answer the phone, or answer the door." If I get some kind of nuts-o request, or wacky message. I ignore it like it never happened. Though they aren't directly vicious to me like you are getting. I still say you ignore. Like they say when someone is road raging on you, just ignore, and keep looking forward. The agressor typically gets deflated and moves on. I'm sorry these toxic folks are harassing you.

When I have to make decisions like this for my son and me, I often think of the emergency instructions on a plane. In the event you have put the oxygen mask on, you are supposed to put yours on first, then your child?s. You have to make sure you are making a decision that is going to make you happy in the long run. If you are dissatisfied and working in a job that you resent, you are going to end up bringing that home. The fact that you are worrying about your kids, just means you?re a good mom. I think you are doing the right things.

NO. Your obligation is only to your child. My DW had things she made me promise her regarding our son. But I know she would agree that if one of those promises put his well being at risk, forget about it. For example: She wanted me to do everything I could to not sell the house, but as she could see that might not be feasible, or best for us, she added the caviot, "If you need to sell the house, that's OK. You do what you need to do."

I haven't run into too much of this yet. But I have a feeling moving into a new school system next year I am going to see it. Frankly I see these types of people as shallow and not worthy of any envy of their "perfect" family. They clearly have misplaced insecurities in their own life that paralyze them from living. When I get the vibe this is happining my thought process goes, "What a wierdo. They saved me the trouble of trying not to talk to their stupid ass."

Short Term? Yes Long Term? Varies It sounds like you two don't have aligning priorities for what you want. It sounds like he wants a "quickie" first and (maybe?) a relationship if that just ends up happening. If I was looking for a good time only, I'd be pretty forward. If I was looking for a real meaningful relationship I wouldn't be this much of a jackass.

My DW told me I wasn't allowed to hang onto her clothes, so they have been taken care of (Family, friends, consignment, quilt, donated, trashed). I knew she had a lot of clothes, but holy shit, she had a lot of clothes, then I found the other half of them..lol. I'm getting ready to sell the house this month and move into my parents house (they are going to rent something in the city). Because of this I am planning on getting rid of most of our stuff (furniture, etc.) . The basement was emotionally easy since we haven't really made any memories with 90% of that stuff in years. I'm now going through the more sensitive areas, and I worry about throwing out something I will regret, or will miss. So my efforts are slowed way down due to it being such a meticulious job and emotionally draining.

Sweet but heartbreaking, I know that feeling well. The information I read says that children 4 and under don't really understand death, and it being permanent. My son was almost 6, when DW passed. He understood death, but had a hard time with it being permanent. He kept trying to figure out how to bring her back (recruiting help days before wake to help him wake her up, birthday wishes, wishing on a star, wishbone wishes, and magic potions). He sees a child?s grief counselor every week now for an hour. It is play therapy, where they just play with toys. That is how kids work things out. Afterwards the therapist tells me the ideas he interjects into the play scenarios. He is doing better and realizes this is permanent.

I think you hit on something Mel. Maybe "anticipatory grieving" has nothing to do with "grieving" but is really just learning how to control your emotions, and in some cases with extreme caregiving, learning how to manage a household, and kids on your own before the significant other passes. These skills I think have made it easier for me to grieve.

7 Months here. I found there are a few kinds of grief I hit: 1) [Ongoing] The one that hits quick and goes away quick. Like a memory that hits and maybe a tear shed, but in minutes I am past it. 2) [0-7mo.] One that feels like literally there is a 200lb weight getting lowered onto my shoulders. I have to stop what I am doing and do something 100% different to ward this off, else I start to spiral 3) [6mo. -7mo] I start to obsess (positively), slowly at first, about a time period with DW. Then it starts to consume me and I daydream and fantasize about the time period non-stop, which usually pile drives me into the sea of grief. Yeah the last time it hit I was about 6 days in before I realized I was in bad shape and circling the drain and I needed to pull myself out. I try to look for the signs now that I am wallowing in my grief for too long. I'm not sure how to balance number 3 yet. Remember the "good ol days" without kicking myself in the ass to hard.

About 7 months out now. The dumpster is at my house and I am filling it. The house should go on the market next month. We bought it knowing my DW would have to pick up the slack for when the school's education rating dropped off in middle school and high school. We bought it thinking there would be 4 or more of us there eventually. We bought it thinking we would have two people's income supporting it. Those assumptions have changed. My main concern is my son and we will be moving to a better town for their school for the next school year. Because I can't pick up the educational slack at school as he gets older, we will have to move in the next few years anyway. I figure sooner is better than later for him. We will be renting to offset the work of a house. I knew this was the reality over 6 years ago when my wife was diagnosed, but she held out hope that I would do everything to keep the house, which I knew wasn't going to be the plan, but I never said anything to her. Why burst her bubble and make her worry. But in the last few months, she told me that I needed to do whatever is right in regard to keeping the house. I acknowledged and didn't bring it into further discussion, but I was absolutely relieved, and I still am. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Adele's version of "Love Song" I tagged her on a link to it on facebook while she was alive, and she re-iterated some of the lyrics in the comments. So now if it comes on I lose it.

Ohhh, the phrase of some people who have no idea what else to say when they see me with my son. I hear it now, as my DW and I heard it while dealing with her cancer. I admit, my first thought is, "What you don't think I am a capable enough person?" But I quickly make myself realize that these people are looking at what could be characterized as one of their worst nightmares, and it is not a reality they want to even ponder for themselves. They are just trying to sympothize. I usually brush the statement off with, "We're doing good. We are figuring it out." Because usually the people asking it aren't really close to me anyways. But if anyone close of enough said that to me (they must be smart enough not to), I would tell them what I heard a cancer patient say about that phrase, it was something like, "It's not like I can wake up in the morning and say I'm not going to deal with it." I mean lets face it there are days my motivation is: 1) If i don't feed the cats, they won't stop meowing 2) If I don't feed the kid, he won't stop complaining 3) I have to pay the bills because I don't want to deal with the kid complaining as we sit in the rain, homeless (OK, a bit of Exaggeration) 4) If I don't go to work I won't have money to do 1-3 5) If I don't send the kid to school he won't amount to much and he will be stuck living with me until I'm gone, and I'll be complaining the whole time. So some days I "do it" because I don't want to be hastled anymore. lol

Yikes Jess. Yeah I pick on my own mom, because she gets the "every now and then" call from the MIL asking all the in appropriate questions to: -"What is he going to do with ...?" -"Did he get any life insurance money?" -"Did you know he changed the locks?" My mom plays stupid and says, "I don't know.." Even though my mom is my go to person for all these issues.

Been there... am there. During the holidays I noticed that at friends and family holiday parties, every now and then there would be a lull and everyone would be focused and talking with their significant other. I would find myself being the only one looking around the room as they each had their side conversations. The first time I realized that it sucked bad. Something to get use to I suppose.

Three days after DW passed, I changed the locks on my house to keep the MIL and SIL out. MIL because she has a sense of entitlement over everything she wants, and she just takes it. SIL because there were now cancer medications in the house that she would consider ?fair game?. I believe I was lucky I recognized this behavior before they ever took anything of value. At first I felt guilty about changing the locks (no one knew I did this). A week and a half after I had changed the locks I had to tell my MIL in no uncertain terms that, ?I don?t want anyone in the house when I?m not there?, because she was trying to justify her future plans of ?Stopping by? while I was at work. Three days after I told her this I get a message at work on my voicemail saying she was on her way to my house to get something she needed and, ?She hopes I don?t mind?. Really? How do you not know that I DO MIND. Well she figured out pretty quickly I changed the locks. 6 months later, I am now getting rid of DW clothes and I asked my MIL and SIL if they wanted to come over to go through her clothes to pick out anything they wanted (something they have been asking about for 6 months). My DW?s best friend came over too and she told me later that the MIL and SIL took a head band and a funeral card that were on a table nearby, their justification to themselves was, ?he won?t mind?. I was never more than 20 yards away, they never asked. They will never be trusted around DW?s stuff. I can?t say I?m surprised. I controlled where in the house they would be limited to. I knew anything in there could be stolen. You could say I gave them just enough rope to hang themselves with?. And they did. I don?t want them to know that I know because I want them to think they are smarter than me so they won?t try to change their tactics. At the end of the day I feel empowered because I can see who they are and they have no clue.

6 months out I finally had a dream with her in it. I didn't actually remember the dream when I woke up, I just remembered her feeling close by and I knew I did. If felt nice, but the cold hard truth came shortly after. The brain is a funny thing.