robunknown

I was just over the "I don't believe" line before DW was diagnosed. I would say that now I am in the "No one knows, and there is proof of nothing" camp. Honestly if I met my maker today you would see me storm up and say, "What the fuck was that?!" (I really don't care how foolish that is) The quote that I go to is: "Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.? It irratates me when big religious folk don't think I have morals because I don't believe. Look folks, unlike you I don't need "Eternal damnation" to scare me into being a good person.

That sounds perfect!

Serpico, I've never felt more complicated in my life. My emotions don't want anyone to even touch me. But my libido is on overdrive, I feel a lion scoping out gazelles on the plain. I have no clue what I would actually do if anyone showed interest in me, take the oppurtunity or run for the hills. I really have no idea and it is kinda humorious at times.

Brenda, My wife passed in the beginning of October. My son's birthday was that month then we had all of the holiday's. During that time, I kept it together because I was so busy (for the kid). The grief hit me hard when I realized that that the holidays were over (month 3) and a lot of the support group faded away. It also hit me hard on a selfish note when I mastered the daily grind routine (4 months) and realized that this routine won't change for years. That's when I started planning fun things we could look forward to doing later in the year. Mini-vacations for him, for me, and for the both of us. I've learned to recognize when I am starting to "stare into the abyss for too long", you can literally feel a weight on your head and shoulders start to push you down. When I start to feel that way I try to change what I am doing by 180 degrees, call my parents to talk about something else, anything really to distract myself. Hang in there.

I took mine off one month out. I think a psychologist would have a field day figuring out why it felt right so early on. That was almost 5 months ago, and I still feel it there as if I am still wearing it. My thumb tries to adjust it about once a day because it "feels weird". I can also still see the faint indentation lines on my finger.

It was a great birthday. I made sure I was busy with family friends the whole day. It kept me from staring into the abyss too much.

I have a pretty funny one. After the funeral at the church my 5 year old son and I walked behind the casket as they brought it to the grave site about 100 yards away. As the pall bearers approached the open grave, there was near silence from everyone, and my son very loudly asks (not crying, just asking like a 5 year old), "Are they just gonna throw it in there?" I about burst out laughing. My wife would have thought that was funny. I explained it to him quietly how they were going to lower it down. The funeral home director came up to me and said that was the funniest thing he's ever heard.

Its only been 5.5 months since she passed. But come Saturday will be the a year from what was, the beginning of the final downward spiral, it was kicked off by her oncologist telling her, she should "get her affairs in order" as she was being admitted to the hospital. I try to keep pushing this fact away, because she lived for another 6.5 months, but it stands out quite vividly because this date is also my birthday.

Anyone here reach out to folks that are in the same relative condition your spouse was in? I have reached out to a couple of acquaintances who have developed pretty severe cases of cancer, like my DW had. I?ve done most of the communication via email. My first note is usually telling them that if they have any inappropriate/insensitive question they want to ask, please do, because I will answer it. That is usually the flood gate opening of questions I?m sure my DW was trying to get answered too. Mostly the questions revolved around death which they aren?t ?allowed? to talk about, because their caregivers see that as ?giving up?. I totally understand this sentiment from a caregiver?s point of view. The questions range from them wanting to know what she prepared for my son and I before she passed, to what types of treatment she had. At the end of the day, besides answering their questions, I really only give them one piece of advice. You need to do what makes you feel comfortable. In both cases this was to write letters to their loved ones for after they passed. This is something they caught flak from their caregivers about. After the initial contact the questions dry up fast. I watch their statuses on Facebook and if they appear frustrated with something I usually send them a short positive note that they say makes them feel good coming from me. It makes me feel good knowing I am a credible resource for someone in my wife?s shoes. After the initial retelling I am usually surprised at how drained I feel from a retelling of the ?end of days?. The rest of the time I kind of feel like the character ?death?, standing back in the shadows, and I don?t want to be active in their lives if they don?t need me, because I do want them to think positive thoughts about getting better. At the end of the day, it does make me feel like I am helping.

There have been "studies" where they claim that men are more attracted to women when they smile in these types of pictures, where the converse, women find men less attractive when they smile in these types of pictures. I've seen a few articles quoting said "studies", but then I see individual comments that oppose this (like this thread). Who knows if any of it is actually true.

Needytoo: I've tried to take the "I'm just sitting here relaxing" shots with a tripod and a camera on a timer. Hit the button, run over, sit down, try to look like none of that just happend..and repeat six or seven times. The best was when I tried to add my cat on my lap. Every picture the cat looked dazed and confused, half standing up. lol

SimiRed: I remember about a month before DW passed her sister was on the phone, and my DW said flat out, "I hear you say you want to visit me, spend time with me, but I don't trust it. You've been a bitch to me my whole life. I don't forgive you for what you said to me (she told my DW to "just go die of cancer" a year or so after she was diagnosed, a few years prior to his conversation). I'm not going to sit on the phone while you cry. I Love You. Goodbye." At first I was in complete shock, but then I was happy my DW got to say what she needed to say. I have the same hatred of the "death rattle", and I have the same fear of having to do it again with someone else.

I think this boils down to plain old miscommunication, and I blame it on texts. My rule of thumb these days has been when someone I know texts me something (or doesn't text me back) and really torques me up, and I am itching to send them one hell of a response.... I stop, and call them. 99.99% of the time something was lost in the communications and everything is "cool".

I don't believe I am ready yet. But I have had anxiety over the thought of who I should date when the time comes (divorced, widowed, never been, ...), reading some of the previous horror stories about dating. But this thread gives me hope that when the time comes not to judge the other person solely on their "status". Thanks.

My immune system held out during the really busy months after DW passed, October (Lots of important personal dates), November, & December (Holidays). Since Mid-January I have a cold for two weeks, followed by a week of feeling better, then back to two weeks for a cold. I had heard that your immunity takes a hit after being widowed for about a year, but I thought I was able to squeak by. Silly me. I've been eating really well since before DW passed and have been exercising. I guess that mental stress catches up. Anyone else experience this?

Mac, This is a thought that has pulled me out of the dumps some days. I think in one alternate universe, she never died. I think in another we both didn't survive her cancer. But in this one, I lived, and I ask myself, "What am I going to do with this extra time?" Thanks for the OP too.

That sums it up perfectly. I feel like I should be at that "X" number of months. But looking at those feelings in the face now, I know there is no getting back to that normal, and that hurts.

Thanks for posting. It hits home.

I am with you. Wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer when our son was 5 months old. She survived for 5.5 years. She was 34 when she passed. I ended up being in the Extreme Caregiving because the last 10 months were hell on earth. You are not alone!

Thanks for posting this. I am a bit of a block head when it comes to flirting. A woman was flirting with me via text a couple months ago, and a friend of mine (who is a girl) who I showed it to for different reasons said, "wow, she was flirting with you". I was completely surprised (and not interested). It was pretty clear when my wife just walked up to me in the college cafeteria and asked me to have breakfast with her, lol

It hasn't been for awhile but in the past my 6 year old has tried to make "potions" or other experiments to bring back his mom. I think I have finally convinced him she can't come back. I found my brain over the past week trying to bring her back as well, or at least not think of her as dead. I guess you could call it denial. I started to become obsessed with a time period very early in our relationship where we had broken up after a couple of years and we were seeing other people for about 6 months. We started emailing each other in secret a few months in, I kept it from the girl I was dating, and she kept it from the guy. The emails were not "hot and spicy" but reading between the lines we really missed each other. We only met a couple of times during those few months, even though it was 14 years ago, I still remember the excitement of seeing her. I realized I was in a denial last night, after I said to the darkness, "fuck the rules, come back to me". I keep thinking I can outsmart this whole grieving process, but at the end of the day it is still there.

I remember a lot of my friends had these growing up. It was so common. I'm pretty sure they fall out when they get older. If I was told my son needed them, I would be fine with it. (As long as I made sure the doctors involved are reputable)

My son turned 6 soon after my wife passed, we are now 5 months out. I love him, and I know he misses her, but I absolutly know he tries to use missing her to manipulate. When we are rapping up the bed time routine, he'll throw in a, "I miss mommy" (That I'm 99% sure is just to try and stay up later). He'll do this if I am discipilining him too. My response is the same and I think it has reduced him using these (he's moved onto other manipulations trying to test boundries), I say, "I miss her too bud", I'll give him a hug, and add, "but you need to ...(go to bed/start listening)". My son right now is afraid of someone breaking into the house to take him. His councilor says this is feeling is normal for kids that lost a parent.

Thanks for posting

My wife passed in October after 5.5 year fight with Stage 4 cancer. She was diagnosed (Age 29) 5 months after having our son and buying our first house. We met in October of 1999. She died 15 years and 1 day after she first walked up to me at college and asked if I wanted to have breakfast with her. She changed after her diagnosis. Anyone told they are going to die so young would change too. Her chemos, hormone treatments, and forced menopause changed her as well. One of her big mental struggles was not being able to relate to anyone in her shoes. There just wasn't anyone else her age dying of cancer with a young son. The first few months after she passd I was mostly comforted she wasn't in pain anymore. But I find I am grieving two pieces of her now, the happy, excited, youthful person she was before she was diagnosed and the stoic, strong, wise person she became. Looking back there is clearly a deliniation. In the last week or so I find I am in the beginning process of grieving who she was before the diagnosis. I find helping others who are dealing with similiar situations has helped me. I am open, and tell them they can ask me any uncomfortable, personal question they want, and I will give them the answer, straight up. Its what my wife did and its what I will do.