sudnlysngl

Kids grow up and leave home!

Well Tybec all I can say is, it doesn't matter what everyone here says. It matters how YOU feel about it! Do YOU feel hurt and betrayed? Does it raise some red flags for YOU? These are things YOU and only YOU can answer, and girl it's time to get down and real with yourself about this guy and how he treats YOU! Time to make that list of the positives and the negatives about the relationship and him, and be brutally honest with yourself about it! DON'T SETTLE! I'm sorry Tybec, but girl you keep saying this guy is dense, I'm gonna say NO he ain't ! He's playing with you to see how much you will put up with, or he's just used to playing. Don't keep making excuses for his bad behaviors, before long you will be looking back and thinking damn I wasted xxx years on this guy and I knew from 2018 I should have called it quits. I'm working on myself, cause I did just that with the one I divorced back in May, and you don't want to do that! No matter what you choose to do, I'm wishing you the best...❤️

Bunny there is a difference of omission vs continuing communication!

WOW! It's not that they are still communicating, it's that he has LIED to you about it! It's not that he didn't TELL you, girl he LIED cause he felt like he had something to hide! Hiding it and still using a nickname speaks volumes..... I don't get it, why say he would stop how long ago, then continue behind your back? And she knows about upcoming hearing and stuff, really??? Wonder what all he talks to her about you??? Can we say huge red flag!!!! Sounds to me like he kept her as a back up in case the two of you didn't or don't work out. This is just the beginning of what he will learn of what you will put up with, just saying..... BTW, sorry it's happening, cause it sounds like he sure has put you through a lot of crap and you just keep taking it cause you are such a good person....

Sorry about your back pain! I was supposed to have back surgery a year ago and haven't done it yet cause I'm to afraid to and I've been suffering with the pain every day! But I keep hearing dh in my head saying as long as I can walk no one is cutting my back!!! I do know mine is getting worse, and that pain can be unbearable! I have some meds that might help, but that's not always the answer. You can now buy an over the counter tens unit, it's worth trying. Wish I could help you MR, sorry about your pain, I really do understand, I see a pain mgmt. dr monthly for mine, and yet the state I live in won't acknowledge me for disability, go figure, so now I laugh then cry... Best of luck to you😉

We get it! I will say that YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP AND SAY SOMETHING, just like bh2 did! My moment was when a neighbor called herself a football widow and her knowing I was really a widow! I sat there just starring at her while she just looked at me. I took a moment and thought about how to say it, then it all just came out, and I mean it all came out. Everyone in that room left there realizing how ignorant those statements are, and how hurtful that was to me. She even admitted before she said it that she knew I was widowed and still chose to say it. I then asked her how she felt knowing her husband was coming home and mine wasn't? Of coarse it all had me in tears , while she admitted she enjoyed the time alone from him , etc. Needless to say I was pissed. People are unkind, and thoughtless. As my dh used to say when I would ask him why people would do the things they did,, he would say "its a me me me world"! BTW, it's not uncommon once we become widowed for our address books to change... Again, we get it, but don't be afraid to speak up!

One thing with kids of divorce is they also look for guidance! They will test the boundaries to see which parent will step up to the plate and keep the discipline and and guidance in place no matter what is going on in life! I say this because I have lived this with my dh. He started being that dad who was being that dad who loved from guilt instead of from being a dad and the heart. He was doing this in front of my kids, allowing "his" kids" to do things that he knew was wrong, but out of guilt he let slide! There was finally a breaking point, and I demanded a sit down conversation. We discussed if he would have allowed those things under circumstances had he still been married to his ex and parenting with her. His answer was NO, that made him realize it had to STOP asap! Once the kids knew they had a "normal" home at our house with "normal" rules, everything feel into place. He (dh) even adopted my kids and life was really really good, until he died. Kids don't come with a manual on how to raise them, but with guilt is definitely not a good one, I know that one from experience.... They need guidance, structure, boundaries, and ADULTS who set the rules, not them! Best of luck to all of you!

I'm so sorry Bluebird of your loss. My prayers are with both of your families at this time...

We are here because "WE ARE WIDOWED"! , and thankfully found others who get what we are feeling at our young ages with trials and tribulations that we are handed with it... Thank you everyone for being brave enough to share with me and all of us, much love to all of you ❤️

I am happy for you and your ng. Funny thing is I have said this ^^^ to a few others here on the board. I'm not saying don't hear your kids, or have a discussion with them, but let them know that there will be a time that they will be going off in the world on their own, and probably finding someone to spend "their" lives with!!!! Best of luck and love to all of you!

That's the "nail" one the head right there , and the one that all of us really want! Best of luck with all of it.

Well my dh is still with me! We got a double urn and I promised to keep him with me until I go, so my daughter will put us somewhere , I hope... I think before I part this planet I will buy a plot somewhere for us to be put, and that is where this double urn ( looks like a big brass box that gets inscribed on each side where we are put) will go... I guess I believe we really don't care once we are gone, but perhaps those who are left behind do. Tybec , I'm with arneal that I'm glad you and your ng had some convo's and things are getting worked on. Happy for you arneal, sometimes it doesn't matter the size of the family. I'm from a big family, and they alllll disappeared when my dh died. As if I killed him or my sadness was to much for them. It's been 12 yrs in 3 weeks and haven't heard from them in over 9 years, so sometimes it is what it is. Can't say they were all that growing up either, sigh..... (8 kids in my family , I'm #7) Anywho, we have to do what we have to do to survive this big ol world here, best to all of you out there

You sound quite normal to me Candace. Do what YOU feel is best for YOU! The worse thing any of us can do is let others tell us what or how to live after what we have been through. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and do the best you can, that's all we can do in this world with what we have been handed.

Ok Mike, then they and you aren't surprised by much. But they could have had more compassion towards another person for goodness sakes! How about that! 😊

Isn't it strange how 'they" treat us the younger widows? Like we can take it. Like we have a tougher skin for it or something? I remember when I went to my first grief support group and it was all 75 to 80 plus individuals who were using it as a get together for themselves. And they had NO problem letting me know I wasn't wanted or welcome there! Many of them had been meeting up there for years. I can recall that I finally spoke up for myself and said something like, "death doesn't pick just OLD age", and one lady stood up for me, at which point , tears running of my face I stormed out of there and NEVER went back and found the first board before it became this one..... That was 12 years ago.... Sorry that this happened to any of you.

Nothing wrong with venting 😁

Tybec, the hurt heals as we all know. Like you, I knew this guy for over 2.5 years so I thought I knew him. I think my point here with some of the things are, like when I read things such as , some of you being left out of holidays still after 2 years or more not being able to share a vacation together with his and your kids because of the kids/ex He being ok to be firm with "your" kid , but don't say anything to his.! those are the RED flags

I will add my two cents on this topic. I married the ng. Both of us had our kids all grown up, yet he had lots to say about mine. I only have 2, he has 4. My parents are both dead and gone, and his mother was (she just died in may) a nasty bully to me, yet he was always defending her even when he knew she was wrong! I "thought" we were on the same page 99.9 percent of the time, but it was all a big LIE! He was going behind my back to his mommy, plotting, lying, using me to take his anger out on his grown kids. Example: would tell them they weren't welcome because of me, when in fact I had no idea anything was even discussed! I thought we should sell my house and "WE" should buy a house of "OUR" own, but his plan the whole time , or so he thought was to get my house from me! He did put a wedge between my kids and myself for a time, he cheated, we were not even divorced 2 hours and he had a ring on his new girls finger and claiming he's an upstanding Christian in our community! And taking her to visit his parents out of town, yeah the church deacon. sons of bitches, oh did I say that out loud? They are getting married next month isn't that sweet! I found in a lot of this so many things stolen, like some stocks, and other monies, credit cards ran up. I ended up having to sell my house that my dh and I bought and made into a home and I had for 26 years because of this jerk to save my credit and stuff. so ladies some of the things you talk about just make my head want to explode!!!! The red flags are everywhere flapping in your faces! I agree that the loneliness sucks, I cry a lot at times, but damn girls there is thing called RESPECT! I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or mean, but I have said it before and I will say it again, DON'T SETTLE A MAN SHOULD LOVE YOU SO MUCH HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! (gee I miss my dh so much right now) His kids are going to grow up, then what? Of coarse he actually can live without you, but just doesn't want to, get it?? Ladies it's time to really test these men and see if they are in it for the love or just for the piece??? YOU TEACH HIM HOW TO TREAT YOU..... Wishing all of you the best, I really really do....

I've always found it "funny" how some people can do some real shitty things to their kids in life, then when it's time for them to kiss their own ass goodbye NOW they want to lay on some guilt to those kids they "abused" and threw away so they can clear their own conscience, I call bullshit, sorry!!! Let the witch he choose over you sit with him and wipe his ass and tears..... Needytoo, I'm with Mike on this one as well, but I would also go for YOU and keep it short and say what YOU want and need to say! Only if that's what YOU want, praying for you. Please don't guilt yourself on any of this, He didn't, remind yourself of that....

I'm so sorry CW. Once again the address book has changed and somehow we the widows got erased! Shame on those who have been so damn ugly to us who have been hurt by it all. I know the bible says something about the world is "suppose" to take care of and look out for the widows! Pfft, yeah right, all I've gotten is kicked for it, even had a psychic come up to me at the zoo when my grandson was barely 1 and confirmed that one.... Again, sorry for the lonely holiday's, I'll be thinking of you and lonely with you....

So sorry arneal about your bf's uncle🙁. I've never had much luck with honey baked ham. The one ham I got one time was so fatty and I was soo pissed, lol. So needless to say I don't go there anymore. Besides , I'm one of the few that can't stand green bean casserole either. Give me a good ol pot of southern style cooked green beans😉 As far as the relationship status. Well girl, sounds like it's time to have the simple conversation with your man of where or what he sees your relationship as. Cause it isn't a surprise that men and women see things so differently, but time to put it out there and to know if the two of you are on the same page. Can't hurt to know! You two aren't getting any younger, so know where you both stand in this.... But for me, I will be glad when the holidays are over! Oh, and the jerk off ex has publicly set a wedding date with the bitch he wasn't cheating with!!! For less than a year after I kicked his ass out, and less than 9 months from being divorced! And all these people don't see anything wrong with him yet? Really? Maybe they are just to embarrassed to admit they backed a lying sociopathic fake wanna be!!!! Someone will let me know when it all crashes and fails, and I will be laughing the whole time....😄

Not so much as it is someone in cyber world!

So sorry RAM, It's been 11.5 yrs for me and in the first yr and a half I lost my bf she died and her husband didn't even tell me! My sil, brother, every pet I had , Then everyone else abandoned me except my daughter. And it all remains the same.... Somehow , I find something to be grateful for everyday. We can choose to be better or bitter, and I'm doing my best to be better ☺️ even if the world is trying to make me bitter by taking everything.....

Something I learned when my husband died and I wished I had learned much younger was, the address book changes drastically when something like this happens your life. And boy did it ever! I also learned what I was willing to put up with and not! After years of abuse from my mother, then from others, enough was enough! I am back to being broken, pieces of me are missing, and I am struggling to find my self worth again, but I do know no one will ever put me so far down or last that I don't matter! Like I said in an earlier post, of coarse children come first, but there is comprise, they grow up and start living their own lives. Sounds like someone uses them as excuses, sorry, and I would want to mean so much to a person again that he couldn't live without me. Not that he couldn't but he wouldn't want to! What a feeling that is! Again, Tybec wishing you the best. Just wanting the best for you, and after just divorcing a real psychopathic jerk, don't settle for second place with anyone. We all deserve better....

Funny how affective that is! My dh always got it more clearly when I did the same thing back to him verses just trying to discuss it. Used to drive me bat shit crazy, but what I would give to have him back and him still learning, ☺️ Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you....