MrsDan

So in less than a month I will be starting a new job 300 miles away. I'm scrambling for us to find a house to rent out there. I need to rent my house out, and met with some friends about it tonight. They just signed their lease on their apartment but emailed their landlord about this opportunity, and would they please let them out of it. She said she appealed to his Christian sensibilities, saying what a blessing it would be. I said, well you know, feel free to play the widow card and explain how much it would help your widowed friend. And she said, "Oh I did that. Yeah, that's happened." So we'll see if it works by proxy. It would really be a weight off, knowing my house is rented by people I know would care for it.

A friend of Dan's from the library posted a picture from the paper of the local spelling bee. My first thought was I don't want to see that. Dan was always the celebrity judge. Then I looked closer. It was the third annual Mr. Dan ***** Memorial Spelling Bee, and I realized it was on his wall. I miss him so much.

Thank you all for your support. It's just so hard. My post sort of wandered into Special Circumstances territory without me really meaning to. The problem is my circumstances aren't really special, they're just my circumstances and they suck. Chrispy, I'm not sure I need outside services just people who get it. A lot of times non-widowed parents will say, oh yeah I went through that with my kid. No, you didn't go through THIS with your kid, because you weren't doing it by yourself. I did talk to my SIL that night and she validated me. Said she knows how tough it is having her husband, can't even imagine doing it alone.

I'm sorry but DD is driving me crazy. She is completely clingy and demanding, especially of my constant attention. Waking up at night, scared. Having to hold my hand. Crying for me at daycare. She's screaming her head off right now because I told her she has to go to sleep. She had a bad dream, so I went in, comforted her, let her get up to go potty. Took her back to her room, where she started screaming. She's afraid of witches. I think that's genuine, but I also think there are times when she cries witch and she is completely full of shit. Like she'll calm down, be smiling, then I go to leave and she cries witch! Really?! I am so tired. I am so fucking tired. I have spent over two years enduring absolute, unyielding agony solely for the sake of this little person and now am in the process of completely uprooting everything I've tried to cobble together since Dan died in the span of like a month. It's not like it's been my life's dream to move to Detroit! Dan and I were supposed to stay here forever, raising our family. She wants me around more so I'm doing it. And right in the middle of it, she decides now is the time to be more needy than ever. You know, I'm not that great. I can't be what she needs me to be. I'm constantly failing, which triggers all the ways I failed Dan. He needed me. He needed me so much, more than I had to give and I failed. Now this little girl needs more than I have to give. I cannot go down the road of coddling her, as much because I don't have the energy for it as because I think it's best for her. I hate this. Dan thought I could be a mother, I didn't. He refused to get married for almost a decade because I wouldn't have kids and then when I finally turned around he destroyed our ability to conceive naturally and made me endure invasive treatments and procedures. Then he left. He left us even before he died. Fuck. I am so sick of this.

Sorry, but I have another one. I hate people who post a house for rent but do not state their pet policy and worse, get pissy when you ask. Excuse me for asking if half my family can live there. I don't begrudge people for not allowing dogs (I thought twice about it when thinking about renting out my house) but then put it in the pets field not just the narrative. And don't advertise your house as pet friendly if you only allow cats or one dog under 25 lbs. Guess what? Small dogs have small bladders, making them more prone to accidents and they yap. Some cats scratch everything and/or spray. So don't give me attitude about my two medium sized, not huge dogs. Especially if you don't make your policy clear.

I hate the fact that the clock is ticking on my move and there are so many things I have to wait on. Nobody's fault, just nerve racking. I hate that I have to do my taxes in the middle of this because I kept putting off getting all the paperwork together and that is still not completed. I hate that even though it's not taxable I still have to declare DD's SS and I don't recall them sending me anything and if they did I have no idea where it is. I hate that I'm getting the taxes done because Dan is dead. He always stayed on top of that and would have had them done by now. I hate all the people ranting about all the toxins in our foods but never once mention alcohol, which is a known carcinogen and kills 88,000 people a year. I hate Steely Dan, I just hate them. They suck. I HATE THAT DAN IS DEAD.

I tried, off and on yesterday to find the right words. I never did, then the day got away from me. But I'm sorry; I should have written something. I think it takes tremendous strength and emotional depth to forge such a path as you have. And on your own terms. I'm proud of you.

I am continually amazed by all the stuff you are able to make yourself do. Cars, it must be so hard man. I know for myself, it's hard enough dealing with the ubiquity of alcohol in our society. There are triggers and reminders everywhere. But cars, they are so completely woven into modern life. But you face it with strength. Your sister's comment reminds me of something my sister of being jealous of the soffits on my house. I thought, really you have a live husband; wanna trade?

DD has a load in her pants but I'm letting her stay outside and play at her sand table anyway. If she doesn't care why should I?

I find some of these comments rather harsh. From previous posts I've gathered that MS's family has been less than supportive. We're talking about adults here; why can't her family agree to do some holidays closer to her if togetherness is so important? What about meeting her halfway. Parents should be respected, but respect is a two way street. Passive aggression is not playing fair, and it sounds like that's what your mom was doing by going back on the original plan. I was very close with my father, but I don't begrudge anyone who has a toxic relationship with theirs choosing to protect themselves from that toxicity. That has nothing to do with my relationship with mine, we all have very different relationships with our parents that need to be considered differently. And this is not just a dog. This is your family. If a mom can't understand what a dog means to someone who lost her husband and was never able to have human children with him, I find that a little fucked up. Are there instances where I would put my dogs before my mom? Absolutely. For one thing, my dogs don't find my grief inconvenient. They've never screamed at me for having a meltdown over my husband's death. They snuggle me, look at me with eyes that say they get it. They don't judge me, they just let me be me, even if I'm very different than I was before. But first and foremost, I've made a commitment to care for two beings that cannot care for themselves, whereas my mother is a grown adult who can drive and go to the bathroom on her own. Don't let her make you feel guilty for honoring the commitment you've made to your fur baby. Or for protecting yourself. I get that sometimes that means dealing with them instead of the backlash. But I really hope you're considering your best interest in this.

I hear you. I hate when people express thoughts of wanting to go be with their spouses, and people say No, God's not finished with you have to fulfill your purpose here on earth or some shit like that. Really, cause that's how it works. Dan had just become a father. He was a mentor to hundreds of kids and who knows how many more lives he could have changed. HE WAS NOT FINISHED!.

Well, I've essentially accepted the position. I'm still unsure, but it almost feels like it's gotten away from me. Like it's happening without me really doing anything to stop it. Maybe because I'm really terrified, yet I know too many factors make it a situation I can't pass upon. Like my mind is sort of trying to separate itself from any agency it has in the matter. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I am speaking with them this evening, and hopefully they will actually give me a number to help make my decision. Do I want the job? A very good question, although in my case I'm wondering how relevant it actually is. The fact is, I really don't do anything because I want to. Every day I get up because I have to. I have to take care of DD. This job *may* help me do that better. I don't know. There is a certain amount of risk in it that makes me uncomfortable. But I know that the current situation is not sustainable. She needs more time with me. She needs me to not be so rushed and impatient during that time. I'm worried that if I do this, it will be a very hard transition for her. She needs her grandparents but she also needs more time with me. Which does she need more? I don't know, not really. I feel like I'm sort of taking a guess in some respects. Because I've looked at all t he facts and this seems like the right move but the reality is I don't trust my own judgment anymore. I do think the dogs will benefit more immediately, if I can make this work. I found a community very close to the job that seems to have affordable rentals (which I would probably do for a year) and homes for purchase. Basically two extra hours a day with them. They will miss my IL's. Who I told Monday, btw. I wanted to wait until I got the offer but they were going out of town this week and I wanted to tell them in person. They took it better than I thought they would, although I'm sure they went home and cried. I have to tell my mom tonight. When I talk to the new job tonight, I'm going to have to explain that I am an only parent. That I have family in the area to help and will arrange for back up care ASAP. But there may be times, for example if DD wakes up with a high fever that I have to attend to her needs straight away. They told me that it's typically a 9-5 job, but there may be times when I'm called upon to work late. I can tell them I will make those accommodations, but I need there to be some reciprocity there. I realize it could squash the whole deal, but that is the reality and I need to be upfront about it. I don't know if I'm more nervous about talking to them or telling my mother.

I got the job.

It actually went really well. The director said I did great during the group sit down, which is what I was most nervous about. They are looking at one additional candidate, and hope to have an answer by next week. The kicker is they want someone to start May 12, which is not much time to pack my whole life up and move.

Waiting in the car for round two, trying to brush off tons of dog hair. I adore one of BILs dogs and cuddled her without thinking this morning. Apparently DD feels the same way, she would only go to sleep last night if Punkin would stay with her in the bed. Really nervous and tired, since I got back late last night and DD didn't sleep well so I didn't either. Had a wonderful dream about Dan where we weren't married yet and decided to elope. Thanks again all, and I'll try to update you later this evening.

Thank you for the cheer section. Not ready to update because I have a whole day of interviews too.

Sitting in the car 30 minutes before part one of a major interview 250 miles from my house trying not to freak out, that's what. Trying not to stress about DD sick at BILs house 45 minutes away, wondering how she'll possibly be able to go to sleep, that's what. Trying to remember all the statistics and questions I prepared, that's what. Missing Dan, that's what.

I have a job interview this tomorrow and Friday. A dinner meeting with the director and an all day series of interviews and tours with the whole staff on Friday. Because this involves meals, and the job involves relocating I'm a little worried my family life may come up. I know they're not supposed to ask, but still I could come up. Thoughts?

Aww shit it was not my intent to offend one of my favorite aids. I was using it as a kind of shorthand (I was writing it at work on my way out the door). I do think it is a good metaphor helpful to many. But in the professional widow version of the narrative, there is little mention of the fire. No acknowlegment of the singed feathers, or that they will always be there. The many crashes and burns that will come again and again. And while it's useful to many, it's not for everyone. I'm getting the sense that for many of the veteran aids, the closure of YWBB has foisted a crossroads upon them. It was a place they could go back to, but how do you "go back" to a new place? I understand not wanting to enter a new relationship with a grief community, but in many ways the community is the same, the neighborhood has changed. And even if the buildings and landscapes are stronger, it's still a loss. Like a childhood home, one you don't necessarily want to live in but like knowing it's there to go back to. The newness of this place takes away from that. I do think though this community in this setting has the potential to be the phoenix in that it will rise even stronger. But those flames still burn a bit.

I see both sides. I definitely think we should be able to delete our own posts. I see what other people are saying about people losing what they contributed. I've seen that practice get out of hand on FB groups, often my admins trying to shape or manipulate the direction of the group. An example: a mother in a substance abuse group I belong too vented about how her mother says the loss of her spouse was worse than the poster's loss of her son. The group is primarily parents and more than one posted that you can always marry again, so the child loss is more painful. A bunch of widows called them out as being completely insensitive, that it's the same as telling them they can have another child. Was it hurtful to read. Well yes, but the fact is I know damn well most of the people in that group feel that way, and I appreciated widows having the chance to voice that no, a spouse isn't anymore replaceable than a child. I'm sure people who thoughtfully expressed themselves felt that way too. But no, the whole post was deleted. The original poster wasn't even really comparing, she was more venting about how self absorbed her mother was. Yes the insensitive bullshit was gone, but so were the very cogent counterpoints. But I see Kam's view too. I don't mind heated threads really. It's when people say derogatory remarks about people's late spouses or express racist or intolerant views that I have a problem with. But there have been some responses to some of my threads that clearly come from a place of not having any idea of what it's like to love and lose someone to substance abuse. Someone actually referred to mine as a bad marriage. My husband has been characterized in a very negative light by people who didn't know him and his very complicated disease. And that's on me for starting threads to vent my anger, which I've later come to regret. Can't say I'm sorry those negative characterizations are gone, nor my outburst of sheer rage at a man I love with all my heart. So, yeah like I said I see both sides.

I've been wondering why this thread hasn't taken off like the brag on your kid one. I think it's because we tend to see our kids' successes as just that - theirs. But when they struggle, we blame ourselves. I'm not sure why that is, or if it's even something unique to widowhood. Myself, I've really been struggling with my failings as a parent lately. Some of it is due to circumstances more clearly out of my control. Others, I know directly correlate to my grief and though I'm not sure how much control over that I have either, it's easier to blame myself than it is for the other stuff. I consider it a parenting success that DD loves hip hop. That might sound weird, and I'm sure some of it is genetic as Dan loved music and hip hop. But I play it for her, sing it to her. She has this toy guitar that has a hip hop setting; it plays the lamest version of Shoo Fly you've ever heard. I'm like nice try, my kid listens to KRS-One.

For me, the biggest thing that signifies a professional widow is complete self absorption. It's all about how they overcame this great trauma, and they are so amazing that they have all the answers that they simply must share. People like a good underdog story, and professional widows capitalize on that. They do a great disservice to other grieving widows because they promulgate the false notion that there is a finish line to this, a point at which life is whole and even better having overcome this tragedy. In other words they perpetuate the myth that non widows cling to that this is something you get over. It's all about them, and seems to have very little, if anything to do with their late spouses. My widowhood isn't about me; it's about Dan. I do have a friend that is writing a book, and yes it is self published and yes she fundraised for it. I do not consider her a professional widow. For a lot of reasons, but primarily because she remains an active and real participant in the support groups of which she is a member. Unlike others who pop in using their professional profiles with their slick headshots only to post links to their blogs about phoenixes rising from the ashes. She does post her blog, but there is a lot of turmoil and pain there and above all the presence of her husband. It's about their relationship, not just her but them. And while she does share her writings she also responds to people's posts, remains engaged in the communities. Will that change? Who knows. I hope not, and knowing her as I do I have a hard time picturing it. I'm so sick of seeing people only post their blogs and I'm like um who are you again and why should I give a shit about your opinions? You don't contribute to this community in any meaningful way but your blog is supposed to have meaning for me? Fuck off. Founding a nonprofit is a little like having a child. People create it, mold it, feel dedicated to it, and eventually launch it out on it's own to grow and benefit from the larger world. A truly healthy and ethically run nonprofit is never dictated by the egos or affectations of its founders or longtime contributors. Unfortunately, that is often what happens in nonprofits. People develop a possessiveness that has no place in public service. That seems to be what happened with YWBB. The Camp Widow thing, you know it's just not for me. I like the idea of coming together with people who get it. But that phoenix from the ashes theme seems so prevalent, and I can't relate to that at all. They also serve alcohol, and that shoves it right off the table for me. I can't be around it. I have little experience with SSLF outside of Widowed Village, which I participated in for a bit but it just didn't work. It is too slick and the way it's set up to be so fragmented make it hard for it to be the type of community YWBB was and this successor group is now. That's one reason I'm against having a lot of subcategories her, I have seen it be detrimental there.

Thanks. It went okay. Of all nights she woke up crying for water, which she couldn't have. The doctor said there was already more fluid in her ear than when he saw her just a few days prior, so I really think it was the right move. It was hard being at a hospital. I pretty much let her watch TV all day and treated her to hamburgers and French fries for lunch.

Hugs.